i dont know what is going on or where god is

[knw1991]

It sounds like you might have OCD...?? If you do and you think this is an obsession, then you need to start treating it like one. If you don't know how, I'd be happy to give you some pointers! I'm going to keep this brief as you've gotten a lot of good advice, but I'll just add that I agree with the other posters who say, God has not abandoned you even though it feels like it: sometimes we need to do some legwork to get to a place of healing. Also, there are people who have normal doubts about their salvation, but OCD will keep you wondering and second-guessing, and will not let you be at peace no matter how much you try to argue with yourself, keep asking God to save you, etc. And - I can say this from experience - you do not need to have a "fireworks" experience when you become saved. Or, if you do, then I'm doomed as well. Our relationship with God is something that keeps growing even after salvation; as we spend time with Him, we get to know Him, and learn to listen more and more to His leading in our lives, to change as we feel He is calling us to, etc. It's a bit difficult for me to tell from your post if you REALLY don't feel like you're growing in your walk with God, convicted of sin, etc., or if the OCD is making you feel that way. But from the way you're writing, it sounds rather like the doubt of OCD to me. Do you struggle with OCD in other areas of your life?

No I don't struggle with it in other areas of my life. I just can't go on. I'll never know why. I never had issues like this until I tried to come to Christ for salvation. I never knew that would cause so much pain. I just don't want to live. I know I'll be alone for the rest of my life. God has take a father away, he's taken my life away. He enjoys hurting people. I don't want to burden anyone because this is my life, I've been failed by people before. People will only listen for so long. This world is cold, it doesn't matter how much you hurt people get tired of it and you're alone. God doesn't care how much it hurts, I've cried out my soul and he was silent to me. He's watched me be hurt, called names, through all of my pain and suffering. I can't do this anymore. Coming here was an act of reaching for anything to lessen the pain. But God is ruthless and cruel. This is the same God that watches a child be beheaded , true story. So why am I surprised that God ignores me

 

[Mari17]

No I don't struggle with it in other areas of my life. I just can't go on. I'll never know why. I never had issues like this until I tried to come to Christ for salvation. I never knew that would cause so much pain. I just don't want to live. I know I'll be alone for the rest of my life. God has take a father away, he's taken my life away. He enjoys hurting people. I don't want to burden anyone because this is my life, I've been failed by people before. People will only listen for so long. This world is cold, it doesn't matter how much you hurt people get tired of it and you're alone. God doesn't care how much it hurts, I've cried out my soul and he was silent to me. He's watched me be hurt, called names, through all of my pain and suffering. I can't do this anymore. Coming here was an act of reaching for anything to lessen the pain. But God is ruthless and cruel. This is the same God that watches a child be beheaded , true story. So why am I surprised that God ignores me

I'm so sorry you're in so much pain. You say "I never had issues like this until I tried to come to Christ for salvation"...issues like what? I'm still a bit confused about whether you're referring to mental anguish, or to actual physical things that have happened. If you are in this much despair it sounds like you might need to get some medical help as well...do you have a history of struggling with depression? There is nothing wrong with getting medication and/or therapy for these things. Do you feel that you are obsessive-compulsive in this area of your life? Sometimes OCD only targets one thing...I'm just curious because you haven't specifically referenced OCD, but you posted under the OCD forum. One thing is for sure...regardless of whether or not you have OCD, there is ALWAYS hope for a better situation. Please don't give up! Keep reaching out on here and getting help in other ways if you need to. We are here for you!

 

[Mari17]

Also, just to add on....speaking from my experience with OCD, it ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS makes things seem worse than they are, and makes you feel like you're in a tight spot with no way out...but freedom is always right there, once we learn the tools to access it. Depression will do that too I think, although I don't have experience with that myself. Hang in there, because there is hope!

 

[knw1991]

Menta

I'm so sorry you're in so much pain. You say "I never had issues like this until I tried to come to Christ for salvation"...issues like what? I'm still a bit confused about whether you're referring to mental anguish, or to actual physical things that have happened. If you are in this much despair it sounds like you might need to get some medical help as well...do you have a history of struggling with depression? There is nothing wrong with getting medication and/or therapy for these things. Do you feel that you are obsessive-compulsive in this area of your life? Sometimes OCD only targets one thing...I'm just curious because you haven't specifically referenced OCD, but you posted under the OCD forum. One thing is for sure...regardless of whether or not you have OCD, there is ALWAYS hope for a better situation. Please don't give up! Keep reaching out on here and getting help in other ways if you need to. We are here for you!

Mental suffering, I did not have depression or doubt until after I came to Christ for salvation. . I have doubts about my own salvation for years, suffered mentally, became deeply depressed, misunderstood by familyy. I wrote about it in the first post. But it does not matter, we all have to move on wounded

 

[knw1991]

Please don't say that God is loving and he's there. I know you all are trying to help, but I just don't believe that anymore

 

[Doug Melven]

The Israelites felt the same way you do when they came out of Egypt.
They looked at what they had, they were thirsty in a land with no water. They regretted God bringing them out of Egypt. But God had a great plan for them.
Then in Isaiah 40:25-31 they had the same issues. Where was God?
Job thought God had abandoned him, but He didn't.
Then when they went into captivity for 70 years they thought God had abandoned them, but He didn't.
You say these problems started once you became a Christian. It sounds to me like Satan is attacking you.
The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy, Jesus came to give us life and give it abundantly. John 10:10
When Satan attacks, resist him, he will flee. Stop saying all these negative things about yourself.
Start finding out who you are in Christ. And start confessing that.
You may not be able to see it yet, but God has great plans for you. Seek Him. Jer 29:11-13

 

[Lightsway]

Knw , what do you need ?

 

[Lightsway]

Here is these words , I say this things disappear ,
Yesterday I say the words , yes words are powerful the way they face .
Do you trust me ?
You don't know me yet I'm here ,
Surely its difficult to trust somebody who you don't know , and yet ....
We've met , not in some physical sense yet in the truth ,
So we come and swept along ,
So we recognise each other ,
Your pain as a release ?
What is it , what is it you are looking for ?
What is the truth of the pain ?
What makes it go away , you know these thoughts , they pass like a screen before our eyes ,
For instance I can answer questions if you seek answers , this way things come together and find a way , you know the truth is a way , that is all you need to begin to see .
There are different ways to see things , there are more peaceful ways ,
There are things that open and things that close,
There is the truth that can walk with between and through them .

Perhaps it is a perspective which can open a door

 

[knw1991]

The Israelites felt the same way you do when they came out of Egypt.
They looked at what they had, they were thirsty in a land with no water. They regretted God bringing them out of Egypt. But God had a great plan for them.
Then in Isaiah 40:25-31 they had the same issues. Where was God?
Job thought God had abandoned him, but He didn't.
Then when they went into captivity for 70 years they thought God had abandoned them, but He didn't.
You say these problems started once you became a Christian. It sounds to me like Satan is attacking you.
The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy, Jesus came to give us life and give it abundantly. John 10:10
When Satan attacks, resist him, he will flee. Stop saying all these negative things about yourself.
Start finding out who you are in Christ. And start confessing that.
You may not be able to see it yet, but God has great plans for you. Seek Him. Jer 29:11-13

This All occurred after I tried to come to christ. I say tried because I feel like I reached out to God and wanted to be saved but it seems as of God didn't want me. there was no growth and only after six months I did notice I tried to be very aware of my sins though i know that's not possible because I sin without even realizing it. I do think I was critical of myself and I did have intrusive thoughts or statements that I would not hear but would flash into my mind that I didn't like, also about three months after I first tried to come to Christ, out of nowhere I doubted Gods existence, and wondered ifJesus really died on the cross. Are these Ocd symptoms?
I remember being physically and mentally drained by he doubt and it was so random because I had never doubted Gods existence before and I was doing fine just a few days prior and out of the blue I started doubting Gods existence, the crucifixion and resurrection. I fell to the floor on my room and cried for God to take the doubts away. I don't know when it happened but they went away and then I started doubting if I was saved. God never answered me in thiss doubt. I don't know if the devil was involved, that was what my church thought but I never explained to them about how I had a period of doubting Gods existence, crucifixion and resurrection. Many churches are quick to say it's the devil which it could be. My church doesn't have the resources or understanding to face mental suffering, they just think everything is the devil. It could be but I know that Everytime I take a step toward God and try to live for him, I always question if I'm saved. I'll ask multiple times a day, I'll find my self saying "please God save me, I want to be saved bt I don't know if I truly believe that I'm a sinner that deserves hell, can't save myself and need Christ to save me". I have to say all of this in order for me to be confident in my prayers. I feel like if I leave something out that God won't take my prayer serious and may not do all that's necessary for me to be avedm. I've asked the holy spirit to convict me of sin, to show me my need for a savior. I know I sin but I've read testimonies of people who truly were convicted. Felt the weight f their sin and realized only Christ could save them.
Does my behavior sound like Ocd?
Or what if I'm just not really saved at all and that's why God is not there. I can't get anymore sincere. I've begged and pleaded with God for salvation. I've done this in the past and o developed depression I became angry. Family members aren't saved, they don't get it, they think what I'm depressed about is totally different than the real reason. THey don't get the anger, the depression. I wish I never knew them, they hurt me even more in this. How could God be there when he knew i possibl y had an illness and he ignored my prayers for help. I was just trying to get saved, this happened when I was 20, six years later it still hurts and God has done nothing. What plan could he possibly have? He doesn't have one. Some things just have to be accepted . Even if I tried to return to God "our relationship" will always be marred and damaged by this.either I will trust him or walk away, trusting means overlooking the pain, abandonment,being misunderstood, harming myself, and he left me in it. I rather walk away though I know this pain will never be healed. Maybe I had te wrong expectations of God. Maybe ibwas wrong to think God would answer me in my pain

 

[knw1991]

This All occurred after I tried to come to christ. I say tried because I feel like I reached out to God and wanted to be saved but it seems as of God didn't want me. there was no growth and only after six months I did notice I tried to be very aware of my sins though i know that's not possible because I sin without even realizing it. I do think I was critical of myself and I did have intrusive thoughts or statements that I would not hear but would flash into my mind that I didn't like, also about three months after I first tried to come to Christ, out of nowhere I doubted Gods existence, and wondered ifJesus really died on the cross. Are these Ocd symptoms?
I remember being physically and mentally drained by he doubt and it was so random because I had never doubted Gods existence before and I was doing fine just a few days prior and out of the blue I started doubting Gods existence, the crucifixion and resurrection. I fell to the floor on my room and cried for God to take the doubts away. I don't know when it happened but they went away and then I started doubting if I was saved. God never answered me in thiss doubt. I don't know if the devil was involved, that was what my church thought but I never explained to them about how I had a period of doubting Gods existence, crucifixion and resurrection. Many churches are quick to say it's the devil which it could be. My church doesn't have the resources or understanding to face mental suffering, they just think everything is the devil. It could be but I know that Everytime I take a step toward God and try to live for him, I always question if I'm saved. I'll ask multiple times a day, I'll find my self saying "please God save me, I want to be saved bt I don't know if I truly believe that I'm a sinner that deserves hell, can't save myself and need Christ to save me". I have to say all of this in order for me to be confident in my prayers. I feel like if I leave something out that God won't take my prayer serious and may not do all that's necessary for me to be avedm. I've asked the holy spirit to convict me of sin, to show me my need for a savior. I know I sin but I've read testimonies of people who truly were convicted. Felt the weight f their sin and realized only Christ could save them.
Does my behavior sound like Ocd?
Or what if I'm just not really saved at all and that's why God is not there. I can't get anymore sincere. I've begged and pleaded with God for salvation. I've done this in the past and o developed depression I became angry. Family members aren't saved, they don't get it, they think what I'm depressed about is totally different than the real reason. THey don't get the anger, the depression. I wish I never knew them, they hurt me even more in this. How could God be there when he knew i possibl y had an illness and he ignored my prayers for help. I was just trying to get saved, this happened when I was 20, six years later it still hurts and God has done nothing. What plan could he possibly have? He doesn't have one. Some things just have to be accepted . Even if I tried to return to God "our relationship" will always be marred and damaged by this.either I will trust him or walk away, trusting means overlooking the pain, abandonment,being misunderstood, harming myself, and he left me in it. I rather walk away though I know this pain will never be healed. Maybe I had the wrong expectations of God. Maybe was wrong to think God would answer me in my pain

 

[Doug Melven]

Have you checked out Isaiah 53?
Psalm 22 is good as well.
The way it starts out may be helpful in your situation.
My God, My God, why have You forsaken me. See verse 24 for the answer.

 

[Mari17]

This All occurred after I tried to come to christ. I say tried because I feel like I reached out to God and wanted to be saved but it seems as of God didn't want me. there was no growth and only after six months I did notice I tried to be very aware of my sins though i know that's not possible because I sin without even realizing it. I do think I was critical of myself and I did have intrusive thoughts or statements that I would not hear but would flash into my mind that I didn't like, also about three months after I first tried to come to Christ, out of nowhere I doubted Gods existence, and wondered ifJesus really died on the cross. Are these Ocd symptoms?
I remember being physically and mentally drained by he doubt and it was so random because I had never doubted Gods existence before and I was doing fine just a few days prior and out of the blue I started doubting Gods existence, the crucifixion and resurrection. I fell to the floor on my room and cried for God to take the doubts away. I don't know when it happened but they went away and then I started doubting if I was saved. God never answered me in thiss doubt. I don't know if the devil was involved, that was what my church thought but I never explained to them about how I had a period of doubting Gods existence, crucifixion and resurrection. Many churches are quick to say it's the devil which it could be. My church doesn't have the resources or understanding to face mental suffering, they just think everything is the devil. It could be but I know that Everytime I take a step toward God and try to live for him, I always question if I'm saved. I'll ask multiple times a day, I'll find my self saying "please God save me, I want to be saved bt I don't know if I truly believe that I'm a sinner that deserves hell, can't save myself and need Christ to save me". I have to say all of this in order for me to be confident in my prayers. I feel like if I leave something out that God won't take my prayer serious and may not do all that's necessary for me to be avedm. I've asked the holy spirit to convict me of sin, to show me my need for a savior. I know I sin but I've read testimonies of people who truly were convicted. Felt the weight f their sin and realized only Christ could save them.
Does my behavior sound like Ocd?
Or what if I'm just not really saved at all and that's why God is not there. I can't get anymore sincere. I've begged and pleaded with God for salvation. I've done this in the past and o developed depression I became angry. Family members aren't saved, they don't get it, they think what I'm depressed about is totally different than the real reason. THey don't get the anger, the depression. I wish I never knew them, they hurt me even more in this. How could God be there when he knew i possibl y had an illness and he ignored my prayers for help. I was just trying to get saved, this happened when I was 20, six years later it still hurts and God has done nothing. What plan could he possibly have? He doesn't have one. Some things just have to be accepted . Even if I tried to return to God "our relationship" will always be marred and damaged by this.either I will trust him or walk away, trusting means overlooking the pain, abandonment,being misunderstood, harming myself, and he left me in it. I rather walk away though I know this pain will never be healed. Maybe I had the wrong expectations of God. Maybe was wrong to think God would answer me in my pain

It's hard to gauge based on the limited information that can be conveyed through a forum, and of course I'm not a doctor. But I will say that OCD often brings to the forefronts of our minds doubts and fears that we don't really want to have, and makes us think we have to "do" something (e.g. repeatedly ask for salvation) in order to allay those fears. I've suffered from many different obsessive themes but one of them was a fear of losing my salvation, and I know that is a common obsession. Is there anxiety involved in this? I think that's a common hallmark of OCD. Obsessions are usually characterized by an anxiety that won't go away no matter how much you try to reason with it, ask others for reassurance (e.g. "Do you think I really am saved?"), repeatedly ask for salvation, etc. If these things sound like you then it's possible that you have OCD. Do you have the resources to visit a therapist? I know there are even some online; Dr. Ian Osborn is one who comes to mind (and he's a Christian, so he would understand the spiritual aspect of your struggle). The truth of the matter - whether or not you feel that it's true - is that if you've asked God to be saved, then you are saved. Period. Your salvation experience doesn't have to "feel" a certain way or look like others' experiences in order for you to be saved. You don't have to "feel" convicted of sin in order to recognize it and repent of it. If you notice a sin in your life, ask forgiveness and do your best to walk away from it. Feelings are nice but they're not necessary. It's the same with a relationship with God as with a human relationship. I may not always feel like loving someone, I may not always feel like being unselfish and turning away from words/actions that hurt them, but I choose to. Sometimes I do feel loving, and that's great. But even when I don't feel a certain way, I still have the power to choose my actions. Not taking into account the anger you feel toward God right now, what is preventing you from choosing to believe that you are saved, and moving forward as though you are?

 

[gloriousday2006]

I have put in prayer requests for your situation!! You can get through anything with God. Never give up, never give in, always turn to Jesus. He is MIGHTY to save.

www.net-burst.com can be a good site for those struggling. You might want to look at it.

 

[knw1991]

It's hard to gauge based on the limited information that can be conveyed through a forum, and of course I'm not a doctor. But I will say that OCD often brings to the forefronts of our minds doubts and fears that we don't really want to have, and makes us think we have to "do" something (e.g. repeatedly ask for salvation) in order to allay those fears. I've suffered from many different obsessive themes but one of them was a fear of losing my salvation, and I know that is a common obsession. Is there anxiety involved in this? I think that's a common hallmark of OCD. Obsessions are usually characterized by an anxiety that won't go away no matter how much you try to reason with it, ask others for reassurance (e.g. "Do you think I really am saved?"), repeatedly ask for salvation, etc. If these things sound like you then it's possible that you have OCD. Do you have the resources to visit a therapist? I know there are even some online; Dr. Ian Osborn is one who comes to mind (and he's a Christian, so he would understand the spiritual aspect of your struggle). The truth of the matter - whether or not you feel that it's true - is that if you've asked God to be saved, then you are saved. Period. Your salvation experience doesn't have to "feel" a certain way or look like others' experiences in order for you to be saved. You don't have to "feel" convicted of sin in order to recognize it and repent of it. If you notice a sin in your life, ask forgiveness and do your best to walk away from it. Feelings are nice but they're not necessary. It's the same with a relationship with God as with a human relationship. I may not always feel like loving someone, I may not always feel like being unselfish and turning away from words/actions that hurt them, but I choose to. Sometimes I do feel loving, and that's great. But even when I don't feel a certain way, I still have the power to choose my actions. Not taking into account the anger you feel toward God right now, what is preventing you from choosing to believe that you are saved, and moving forward as though you are?

I just don't think that God would be so absent in my life if I was truly born again. I hear people talk about false assurance of salvation and how Jesus wll tell people "depart from me I never knew you". I don't want that to be me. I don't want to lie to myself. I have no indication that Christ is in my life. There is a guy on social media who is genuinely saved, he has a heart for the lost, God saved him as a teen and gave him the purpose of being a pastor and having a church in a big city one day. He writes and posts things God is teaching him in his relationship. He is honest about his struggles but God s always there for him. He is in college and started a group for Christian cllege students. It reminds me of when I tried to come to Christ at 20, I was in college. But for me everything ws a mess. I had become more interested in God at 17, I thought that as long as I lived right God would be fine with me. I didn't know about salvation. I had a friend who was a church of Christ member who told me that they were the only true church and all other denominations add on to the Bible ad are deceived and will end up on hell. At first I didn't cre what she said and then as I became more interested in God, what she said started to bother me. I begged for God to show me the truth and eventually my distress over this went away. But I wasn't aware of he gospel I thought I had to keep the ten commandments, I thought I had to do all the right things to get to heaven. I was confused about which denomination was true. I would ask people at my church what was true. Eventually I heard the gospel on TV, but it made the most sense when I heard Billy Graham. I asked to be saved during the altar call he would have on TV. What if was just going through the motions because I felt guilty?

What began to worry mr was that I struggled to do right and not sin. I did have random thoughts that I didn't like. I was aware of when ir messedd up and I would ask for forgiveness but afteri keep asking so much i becamee tired of myself failing. The only thing different was I was interested n reading the Bible for a very brief period but didn't have deep understanding of it. I did begin to talk more about God. But that's it. I never had anything that endured, nothing like that guy I described.
I'm a failure, God is not with me. What's the purpose of watching me suffer and then fall into depression,be misunderstood andhave to bear harsh words from family members. Why would God allow it if I possibly had an illness Ocd?
He doesn't love me. How could you leave someone n doubt that reoccurs and not reach out to them.you are asking of them the impossible. Asking for strength they do not have. I wasted my life on salvation. I don't and never had and never will have a walk or relationship with God.he doesntt want never r wanted and will never want me.
I give up. God is cruel. He has favorites , people he likes, people he hates or is just indifferent about and I'm in that group

 

[Doug Melven]

Have you looked at the Scriptures I encouraged you to look at?
Isaiah 40:25-31, Ch 53 and Psalm 22

 

[knw1991]

Have you looked at the Scriptures I encouraged you to look at?
Isaiah 40:25-31, Ch 53 and Psalm 22

yes, thank you, i just do not believe God cares, psalm 22:24 said he has heard david'scry, then why not help?

 

[Mari17]

I just don't think that God would be so absent in my life if I was truly born again. I hear people talk about false assurance of salvation and how Jesus wll tell people "depart from me I never knew you". I don't want that to be me. I don't want to lie to myself. I have no indication that Christ is in my life. There is a guy on social media who is genuinely saved, he has a heart for the lost, God saved him as a teen and gave him the purpose of being a pastor and having a church in a big city one day. He writes and posts things God is teaching him in his relationship. He is honest about his struggles but God s always there for him. He is in college and started a group for Christian cllege students. It reminds me of when I tried to come to Christ at 20, I was in college. But for me everything ws a mess. I had become more interested in God at 17, I thought that as long as I lived right God would be fine with me. I didn't know about salvation. I had a friend who was a church of Christ member who told me that they were the only true church and all other denominations add on to the Bible ad are deceived and will end up on hell. At first I didn't cre what she said and then as I became more interested in God, what she said started to bother me. I begged for God to show me the truth and eventually my distress over this went away. But I wasn't aware of he gospel I thought I had to keep the ten commandments, I thought I had to do all the right things to get to heaven. I was confused about which denomination was true. I would ask people at my church what was true. Eventually I heard the gospel on TV, but it made the most sense when I heard Billy Graham. I asked to be saved during the altar call he would have on TV. What if was just going through the motions because I felt guilty?

What began to worry mr was that I struggled to do right and not sin. I did have random thoughts that I didn't like. I was aware of when ir messedd up and I would ask for forgiveness but afteri keep asking so much i becamee tired of myself failing. The only thing different was I was interested n reading the Bible for a very brief period but didn't have deep understanding of it. I did begin to talk more about God. But that's it. I never had anything that endured, nothing like that guy I described.
I'm a failure, God is not with me. What's the purpose of watching me suffer and then fall into depression,be misunderstood andhave to bear harsh words from family members. Why would God allow it if I possibly had an illness Ocd?
He doesn't love me. How could you leave someone n doubt that reoccurs and not reach out to them.you are asking of them the impossible. Asking for strength they do not have. I wasted my life on salvation. I don't and never had and never will have a walk or relationship with God.he doesntt want never r wanted and will never want me.
I give up. God is cruel. He has favorites , people he likes, people he hates or is just indifferent about and I'm in that group

I'm curious about the "random thoughts that I didn't like" bit. Were these intrusive thoughts that you couldn't get rid of, or just normal doubts/fears? From reading your post I feel like you're expecting a lot out of yourself. Most people don't experience a rapid change right after their salvation, and their problems don't all magically vanish. You are still the same you, and you have your issues, struggles, weaknesses, etc. Bad stuff still happens. God doesn't transform our earthly lives into heaven - that happens after we die. He walks with us - whether we feel it or not - and He sometimes answers prayer, but not always. We still have to go through crap, and stuff that just doesn't feel fair. That's part of living in a broken world. If we let Him, God can use the bad stuff to make us stronger people, more compassionate, and better able to help others. Do I like having OCD? No, it's really painful. But it does make me a better person, because I have to practice overcoming a weakness. As far as my relationship with God goes, it's a gradual growing process. Although following Biblical teaching is important, what's most important is my relationship with Him. That comes from talking with Him and reading the Bible, but not in a legalistic way. Not like "I'll read the Bible and pray for 30 minutes a day, then I'm done" type of mentality. It means talking to Him about the stuff going on in my life, asking for wisdom, and changing things in my life as I feel they need to be or when I see something in the Bible that I should obey. I don't "hear" Him audibly. And honestly, my relationship with Him didn't always feel personal. It's taken years for it to take root in my life, to grow, to become more real and personal. It starts with believing in Him and asking Him into your heart, but it's a lifelong process.

It sounds like you've asked God to save you more than enough times. It's now, literally, a matter of faith. Do you CHOOSE to believe He is living in you, even though you can't feel Him? Can you choose to move forward and make the right choices, regardless of how you feel - talking with Him honestly, reading the Bible, obeying Him as you know how? I know you're angry at Him right now, but if you weren't, would you be able to do these things? And if you can't because of fear - if your fears/doubts are obsessive and won't leave you - then what can you do to start overcoming that? Can you find out more about OCD, get a diagnosis, etc.?

 

[knw1991]

I'm curious about the "random thoughts that I didn't like" bit. Were these intrusive thoughts that you couldn't get rid of, or just normal doubts/fears? From reading your post I feel like you're expecting a lot out of yourself. Most people don't experience a rapid change right after their salvation, and their problems don't all magically vanish. You are still the same you, and you have your issues, struggles, weaknesses, etc. Bad stuff still happens. God doesn't transform our earthly lives into heaven - that happens after we die. He walks with us - whether we feel it or not - and He sometimes answers prayer, but not always. We still have to go through crap, and stuff that just doesn't feel fair. That's part of living in a broken world. If we let Him, God can use the bad stuff to make us stronger people, more compassionate, and better able to help others. Do I like having OCD? No, it's really painful. But it does make me a better person, because I have to practice overcoming a weakness. As far as my relationship with God goes, it's a gradual growing process. Although following Biblical teaching is important, what's most important is my relationship with Him. That comes from talking with Him and reading the Bible, but not in a legalistic way. Not like "I'll read the Bible and pray for 30 minutes a day, then I'm done" type of mentality. It means talking to Him about the stuff going on in my life, asking for wisdom, and changing things in my life as I feel they need to be or when I see something in the Bible that I should obey. I don't "hear" Him audibly. And honestly, my relationship with Him didn't always feel personal. It's taken years for it to take root in my life, to grow, to become more real and personal. It starts with believing in Him and asking Him into your heart, but it's a lifelong process.

It sounds like you've asked God to save you more than enough times. It's now, literally, a matter of faith. Do you CHOOSE to believe He is living in you, even though you can't feel Him? Can you choose to move forward and make the right choices, regardless of how you feel - talking with Him honestly, reading the Bible, obeying Him as you know how? I know you're angry at Him right now, but if you weren't, would you be able to do these things? And if you can't because of fear - if your fears/doubts are obsessive and won't leave you - then what can you do to start overcoming that? Can you find out more about OCD, get a diagnosis, etc.?

every time ive tried to hve a relationship with God the doubts about if im savedarise and get worse until i give up. i dont know if i hve ocd, i dont have moeny or a car, ther are no christian counselors i cn get to ,that specialize in scrupulosity. maybe the answer is givng up and letting go altogether. i didnt ask for this. why should i seek for a relatuionship with someone that hasnt been there through the worst, it isnt worth it, im tired of rthe rejection.

 

[knw1991]

maybe i should just stay away and stop trying to belong to God.

 

[knw1991]

I'm curious about the "random thoughts that I didn't like" bit. Were these intrusive thoughts that you couldn't get rid of, or just normal doubts/fears? From reading your post I feel like you're expecting a lot out of yourself. Most people don't experience a rapid change right after their salvation, and their problems don't all magically vanish. You are still the same you, and you have your issues, struggles, weaknesses, etc. Bad stuff still happens. God doesn't transform our earthly lives into heaven - that happens after we die. He walks with us - whether we feel it or not - and He sometimes answers prayer, but not always. We still have to go through crap, and stuff that just doesn't feel fair. That's part of living in a broken world. If we let Him, God can use the bad stuff to make us stronger people, more compassionate, and better able to help others. Do I like having OCD? No, it's really painful. But it does make me a better person, because I have to practice overcoming a weakness. As far as my relationship with God goes, it's a gradual growing process. Although following Biblical teaching is important, what's most important is my relationship with Him. That comes from talking with Him and reading the Bible, but not in a legalistic way. Not like "I'll read the Bible and pray for 30 minutes a day, then I'm done" type of mentality. It means talking to Him about the stuff going on in my life, asking for wisdom, and changing things in my life as I feel they need to be or when I see something in the Bible that I should obey. I don't "hear" Him audibly. And honestly, my relationship with Him didn't always feel personal. It's taken years for it to take root in my life, to grow, to become more real and personal. It starts with believing in Him and asking Him into your heart, but it's a lifelong process.

It sounds like you've asked God to save you more than enough times. It's now, literally, a matter of faith. Do you CHOOSE to believe He is living in you, even though you can't feel Him? Can you choose to move forward and make the right choices, regardless of how you feel - talking with Him honestly, reading the Bible, obeying Him as you know how? I know you're angry at Him right now, but if you weren't, would you be able to do these things? And if you can't because of fear - if your fears/doubts are obsessive and won't leave you - then what can you do to start overcoming that? Can you find out more about OCD, get a diagnosis, etc.?

random thiughts like rude staments about god i cant describe them, but they were not doubts