i dont know what is going on or where god is

[Mari17]

But something is keeping you from giving up....?

 

[Mari17]

The rude thoughts sound very much like OCD; we call them intrusive thoughts. What did you do to try to get rid of them - if you did try to?

 

[Mari17]

Also, I know you said you don't have a lot of resources available, but if you like I can point in you the direction of a couple of my favorite books/websites about OCD and scrupulosity. I'm also part of a Facebook support group if you're interested in joining that.

 

[knw1991]

The rude thoughts sound very much like OCD; we call them intrusive thoughts. What did you do to try to get rid of them - if you did try to?

The thoughts were uncomfortable ad I would ask for forgiveness. I never told anybody because I didn't know how to describethem and it was embarrassing. I felt no one would understand. They would think I was weird. They only happened for a brief period and eventually went away. But the salvation doubts have remained and caused a lot of worry and depression. It has made me really depressed to the point of not wanting t be here anymore.

 

[knw1991]

Also, I know you said you don't have a lot of resources available, but if you like I can point in you the direction of a couple of my favorite books/websites about OCD and scrupulosity. I'm also part of a Facebook support group if you're interested in joining that.

I would like to know about the books and websites. thank you

 

[knw1991]

But something is keeping you from giving up....?

I don't know. I have given up before. I don't know why I try again to connect with God only to go through the same cycle of doubts that slowly build up. Some days I just ask multiple times to be saved and I can bear it but they gradually build up to the point of me giving up. I can never escape the past and present of Gods abandonment,and lack of caring.
Yesterday I did not pray to God for any help, but last night I had a bad dream about things that happened in my life, about the salvation doubts ad how my family members treat me. I was arguing with them in the dream. I also dreamed of someone being physically tortured and it was disturbing. I don't know ifi was dreaming but I began praying to God asking him for help with my struggles and to take my bad thoughts I had during the dream away. I don't kow if the praying was part of the dream or if I had woken up from the dream and started praying.But when I really did wake up this morning for work, I was back to being angry with God.
All I know is the pain and anger will never go away God does not have to explain himself and I know he won't. I just don't understand how God could treat me this way when all I tried to do was come to him for salvation. How could he leave me to struggle with these doubts that affected my mental health, lead to depression, hopelessness, being misunderstood and harshly talked to from people who should have cared? How could he leave me to find out a few years ago that my father was a drug addict? God says he's a father to the fatherless, but he's been totally absent I'm my life just like my father has been
God had ignored me when I needed him the most. Why? People are always saying that we live in a sinful world, I get it. But why does God promise to be there when we are suffering, why did he say he gives beauty for ashes, why did he say those who mount will be comforted? Why does he help others while they're suffering and overlook me? Why doesn't God love me or care? Maybe I'm not chosen, maybe he just doesn't have an interest in me

 

[gloriousday2006]

I don't know. I have given up before. I don't know why I try again to connect with God only to go through the same cycle of doubts that slowly build up. Some days I just ask multiple times to be saved and I can bear it but they gradually build up to the point of me giving up. I can never escape the past and present of Gods abandonment,and lack of caring.
Yesterday I did not pray to God for any help, but last night I had a bad dream about things that happened in my life, about the salvation doubts ad how my family members treat me. I was arguing with them in the dream. I also dreamed of someone being physically tortured and it was disturbing. I don't know ifi was dreaming but I began praying to God asking him for help with my struggles and to take my bad thoughts I had during the dream away. I don't kow if the praying was part of the dream or if I had woken up from the dream and started praying.But when I really did wake up this morning for work, I was back to being angry with God.
All I know is the pain and anger will never go away God does not have to explain himself and I know he won't. I just don't understand how God could treat me this way when all I tried to do was come to him for salvation. How could he leave me to struggle with these doubts that affected my mental health, lead to depression, hopelessness, being misunderstood and harshly talked to from people who should have cared? How could he leave me to find out a few years ago that my father was a drug addict? God says he's a father to the fatherless, but he's been totally absent I'm my life just like my father has been
God had ignored me when I needed him the most. Why? People are always saying that we live in a sinful world, I get it. But why does God promise to be there when we are suffering, why did he say he gives beauty for ashes, why did he say those who mount will be comforted? Why does he help others while they're suffering and overlook me? Why doesn't God love me or care? Maybe I'm not chosen, maybe he just doesn't have an interest in me

We don't always understand our circumstances, but everything we go through can be used by God. Even when things look bleak there is always hope in the Lord. His light can shine in the darkest places.

www.net-burst.net has very good resources for those suffering

www.ocdandchridtianity.com

Also, John Bunyan wrote Grace Abounding to the Chief of sinners. This is more to let you know you are not alone.

Charles Spurgeon ( Pastor) went through something similar.

Mitzi VanCleve…Help My Unbelief: “Religious OCD”

You are not alone. You can get through all things with God. Mari has excellent advice.

Also, stay in the WORD. It is a lamp unto our path.

The key is Faith. We walk by faith not by sight.


Thinking of you and praying for you.

1 Peter 4:12
Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you.But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed

1 Peter 5:9
Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world.

 

[Mari17]

I would like to know about the books and websites. thank you

Please don't lose hope! I went through something very similar, and in fact with every obsession I've gone through a "depressed " period of feeling like there's no way out and I'll never get out of it. But every time, without fail, there has been a way through the mental obstacles that I've faced, and I have found joy again. I don't have the time to post thoroughly right now, but I will definitely be back on with more details about the resources I promised before.

 

[Far Side Of the Moon]

No I don't struggle with it in other areas of my life. I just can't go on. I'll never know why. I never had issues like this until I tried to come to Christ for salvation. I never knew that would cause so much pain. I just don't want to live. I know I'll be alone for the rest of my life. God has take a father away, he's taken my life away. He enjoys hurting people. I don't want to burden anyone because this is my life, I've been failed by people before. People will only listen for so long. This world is cold, it doesn't matter how much you hurt people get tired of it and you're alone. God doesn't care how much it hurts, I've cried out my soul and he was silent to me. He's watched me be hurt, called names, through all of my pain and suffering. I can't do this anymore. Coming here was an act of reaching for anything to lessen the pain. But God is ruthless and cruel. This is the same God that watches a child be beheaded , true story. So why am I surprised that God ignores me

I feel for u because I felt this way for so long.

 

[Far Side Of the Moon]

every time ive tried to hve a relationship with God the doubts about if im savedarise and get worse until i give up. i dont know if i hve ocd, i dont have moeny or a car, ther are no christian counselors i cn get to ,that specialize in scrupulosity. maybe the answer is givng up and letting go altogether. i didnt ask for this. why should i seek for a relatuionship with someone that hasnt been there through the worst, it isnt worth it, im tired of rthe rejection.

Look for,my pm.. I'm gonna talk with yah

 

[knw1991]

I just have mixed thoughts on God. I want to walk away completely and just move on. I'll be afraid to stand before God in the end. Bit I still want to leave and just go back to who I was before I ever heard abouy the gospel. I want to be different, I want to be transformed by the holy spirit but I don't believe I'm wanted. I know the fact that Christ died for me should prove that I'm loved and wanted but my experiences with God say otherwise. It's too hard to believe the opposite of what your life and feelings have proved. It's too hard. I don't believe I'll make it with God. I can't get past four days of trying to trust him because either the doubts of my salvation or the memories of the pain come to mind and I just can't fight them. I think God is punishing me and probably saying "I'm going to keep letting you deal with doubt and fall into depression until you wholeheartedly trust me". I really believe that's what he's saying. Maybe i have the strength maybe i don't. But I know I've tried. I know my mom wonders why some days I'm OK. Talkative,etc (that's when I'm trying to hold on to God) then other days I get quieter, stay in my room,(the times where I can't fight the doubt of my salvation and fight the memories of what I've one through). So it makes me look moody and then I'm sure my mom goes back and reports it to my insensitive sister (who I am no longer speaking to). in the times I've it angry and broke things. Of course people who love with you take it as a personal attack on them and I know I'm wrong and it's not fair for me to expect them to understand why o behave the way I do. I could never explain it to them because they aren't saved. I hope my mom is but she doesn't understan. Though I love my sister and want her to get saved, I know she's not saved yet and has no interest in knowing who the true God is. So there is no way at all that she'll ever get it. She said my depression is not that serious because she thinks it's only about my father. She's wrong andI won't ever waste my time explaining anything to her .

 

[knw1991]

I want to walk away and forget the past but I can't because the pain is too great. I just want to know why. If it's Ocd, I understand, but still why didn't he help me and show me that before? Why six years later and after all the misunderstanding I had to go through with family

 

[Mari17]

I just have mixed thoughts on God. I want to walk away completely and just move on. I'll be afraid to stand before God in the end. Bit I still want to leave and just go back to who I was before I ever heard abouy the gospel. I want to be different, I want to be transformed by the holy spirit but I don't believe I'm wanted. I know the fact that Christ died for me should prove that I'm loved and wanted but my experiences with God say otherwise. It's too hard to believe the opposite of what your life and feelings have proved. It's too hard. I don't believe I'll make it with God. I can't get past four days of trying to trust him because either the doubts of my salvation or the memories of the pain come to mind and I just can't fight them. I think God is punishing me and probably saying "I'm going to keep letting you deal with doubt and fall into depression until you wholeheartedly trust me". I really believe that's what he's saying. Maybe i have the strength maybe i don't. But I know I've tried. I know my mom wonders why some days I'm OK. Talkative,etc (that's when I'm trying to hold on to God) then other days I get quieter, stay in my room,(the times where I can't fight the doubt of my salvation and fight the memories of what I've one through). So it makes me look moody and then I'm sure my mom goes back and reports it to my insensitive sister (who I am no longer speaking to). in the times I've it angry and broke things. Of course people who love with you take it as a personal attack on them and I know I'm wrong and it's not fair for me to expect them to understand why o behave the way I do. I could never explain it to them because they aren't saved. I hope my mom is but she doesn't understan. Though I love my sister and want her to get saved, I know she's not saved yet and has no interest in knowing who the true God is. So there is no way at all that she'll ever get it. She said my depression is not that serious because she thinks it's only about my father. She's wrong andI won't ever waste my time explaining anything to her .

I know the easier path is to quit and give up, but I want to encourage you not to do that. The feelings you're going through can be worked through and overcome - I have every confidence of that. I do not believe God is punishing you, because you already ARE saved and accepted by Him - whether you believe it or not. If you are having trouble believing it, that's your mind working against you, not God. Why have you had to suffer so much? I don't know. There are some things that we can't answer completely, and that we'll never have the knowledge of in this life. It boils down to, what choice are we going to make? We can choose to go through life without God, and we'll still have pain - we just won't have God with us here or after we die. I think you are right about one thing - you do have to "blindly" trust God right now. I don't think He is punishing you, I think your mind is working against you and telling you the lies that because you don't feel a certain way, you are not loved and accepted by Him. You ARE loved and you ARE accepted. Whether you choose to believe that or not is your choice. I think at this point it's a matter of having faith that you are saved, and moving forward as if you are, regardless of the doubts or fears holding you back. In fact, with OCD, that's the primary strategy - ignoring our invasive doubts and fears, because they are not telling us the truth, even if we feel like they are. I think that's what you need to do in this case, too. Pay no attention to the voices that tell you you're not saved, and choose to ACT as though you are. We cannot control our feelings, only our actions. And many, many times, our feelings eventually follow our actions, even though we'd rather it was the other way around. You are not the only person to feel that God is far away, or to doubt whether He loves you - in fact, I think every believer, whether s/he has OCD or not, has times like these, and has to keep pushing through believing in God even though they don't feel Him. If you have OCD, you may have to employ some more strategies as well. I don't have the time to elaborate further, but as I promised before here are some of my favorite resources. You can use these to explore further whether or not you might have OCD, and if you do, what you can do about it (glorious day already mentioned a few of my favorites!):
Welcome
Managing the Haunting Thoughts of Pure O – OCD

Also, the group I am part of online is Christianity and Anxiety Disorders. It's made up of Christians, but we all have mental illnesses of some kind and we do not judge others or think that mental illnesses come from spiritual problems. I am a moderator on there so if you check it out and request to join please pm me your first name so I can make sure you get right in.

Keep reaching out with questions and for encouragement as needed! We are here for you and you are in my prayers!

 

[knw1991]

I know the easier path is to quit and give up, but I want to encourage you not to do that. The feelings you're going through can be worked through and overcome - I have every confidence of that. I do not believe God is punishing you, because you already ARE saved and accepted by Him - whether you believe it or not. If you are having trouble believing it, that's your mind working against you, not God. Why have you had to suffer so much? I don't know. There are some things that we can't answer completely, and that we'll never have the knowledge of in this life. It boils down to, what choice are we going to make? We can choose to go through life without God, and we'll still have pain - we just won't have God with us here or after we die. I think you are right about one thing - you do have to "blindly" trust God right now. I don't think He is punishing you, I think your mind is working against you and telling you the lies that because you don't feel a certain way, you are not loved and accepted by Him. You ARE loved and you ARE accepted. Whether you choose to believe that or not is your choice. I think at this point it's a matter of having faith that you are saved, and moving forward as if you are, regardless of the doubts or fears holding you back. In fact, with OCD, that's the primary strategy - ignoring our invasive doubts and fears, because they are not telling us the truth, even if we feel like they are. I think that's what you need to do in this case, too. Pay no attention to the voices that tell you you're not saved, and choose to ACT as though you are. We cannot control our feelings, only our actions. And many, many times, our feelings eventually follow our actions, even though we'd rather it was the other way around. You are not the only person to feel that God is far away, or to doubt whether He loves you - in fact, I think every believer, whether s/he has OCD or not, has times like these, and has to keep pushing through believing in God even though they don't feel Him. If you have OCD, you may have to employ some more strategies as well. I don't have the time to elaborate further, but as I promised before here are some of my favorite resources. You can use these to explore further whether or not you might have OCD, and if you do, what you can do about it (glorious day already mentioned a few of my favorites!):
Welcome
Managing the Haunting Thoughts of Pure O – OCD

Also, the group I am part of online is Christianity and Anxiety Disorders. It's made up of Christians, but we all have mental illnesses of some kind and we do not judge others or think that mental illnesses come from spiritual problems. I am a moderator on there so if you check it out and request to join please pm me your first name so I can make sure you get right in.

Keep reaching out with questions and for encouragement as needed! We are here for you and you are in my prayers!

thank you Mari for your response, its very thoughtful and truthful. i also want to thank gloriousday, far side of the moon, Doug and all you who hve commented. i know i havent really taken the time to thank you all. ive been subsitute teaching this week and feeling tired when i come home. i just want to say thank you all for caring. i have alot of to digest and consider. im scared. i guess im scared of trusting God. is that normal ?

i will post a more thorough response to what you all have said when i get the chance. my mind is just running alot. i will reply soon. thank you all again for your support

 

[knw1991]

Please don't lose hope! I went through something very similar, and in fact with every obsession I've gone through a "depressed " period of feeling like there's no way out and I'll never get out of it. But every time, without fail, there has been a way through the mental obstacles that I've faced, and I have found joy again. I don't have the time to post thoroughly right now, but I will definitely be back on with more details about the resources I promised before.

thank you so much

 

[knw1991]

We don't always understand our circumstances, but everything we go through can be used by God. Even when things look bleak there is always hope in the Lord. His light can shine in the darkest places.

www.net-burst.net has very good resources for those suffering

www.ocdandchridtianity.com

Also, John Bunyan wrote Grace Abounding to the Chief of sinners. This is more to let you know you are not alone.

Charles Spurgeon ( Pastor) went through something similar.

Mitzi VanCleve…Help My Unbelief: “Religious OCD”

You are not alone. You can get through all things with God. Mari has excellent advice.

Also, stay in the WORD. It is a lamp unto our path.

The key is Faith. We walk by faith not by sight.


Thinking of you and praying for you.

1 Peter 4:12
Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you.But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed

1 Peter 5:9
Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world.

Thank you gloriousday i will use the resources that you, Mari, and others have offered. thank you all for caring. you didnt have to stop and listen to a stranger's story but you did and that means alot.

 

[knw1991]

i thought of soemthing that i used to experience. i had a small booklet called "Who I Am in Christ".whenever i would try to repeat those statements out loud to myself, i would feel like they were not true for me and i couldnt fully embrace them because of that underlying question of " am i really saved?" .So while saying those statements, the doubt would be in the back of my mind, and i would have to stop and ask God to save me, because i just couldnt embrace the statements of who i am in Christ. i realize this isnt normal, and is living based on feelings, but is this an example of OCD in action?
if so i ws experiencing this and didnt even realize it could be OCD

 

[gloriousday2006]

Mitzi Van Cleave wrote a book called Strivings Within. It shows some of her struggles with OCD, and you might be able to relate to them. Also check out the blog post Help My Unbelief that I sent earlier. You will NEVER regret following the Lord. He is LOVE. Draw near to Him.

I have been thinking about you often. I have been in the pit of despair before, but the Lord is always there. There is no place so dark the LIGHT cannot shine.

https://www.amazon.com/Strivings-Within-Christian-Overcoming-Anxiety-ebook/dp/B00EP4ODPK

Mitzi VanCleve…Help My Unbelief: “Religious OCD”

Remember, he paid the ultimate price to redeem us. He bought us with his precious blood on the cross at Calvary.

I am praying for you.

Isaiah 53 4-12
Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted.
5 But he was pierced for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his wounds we are healed.
6 All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned—every one—to his own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all.
7 He was oppressed, and he was afflicted, yet he opened not his mouth; like a lamb that is led to the slaughter, and like a sheep that before its shearers is silent, so he opened not his mouth.
8 By oppression and judgment he was taken away; and as for his generation, who considered that he was cut off out of the land of the living, stricken for the transgression of my people?
9 And they made his grave with the wicked and with a rich man in his death, although he had done no violence, and there was no deceit in his mouth.
10 Yet it was the will of the Lord to crush him; he has put him to grief; when his soul makes an offering for guilt, he shall see his offspring; he shall prolong his days; the will of the Lord shall prosper in his hand.
11 Out of the anguish of his soul he shall see and be satisfied; by his knowledge shall the righteous one, my servant, make many to be accounted righteous, and he shall bear their iniquities.
12 Therefore I will divide him a portion with the many, and he shall divide the spoil with the strong, because he poured out his soul to death and was numbered with the transgressors; yet he bore the sin of many, and makes intercession for the transgressors.

 

[knw1991]

i just cannot hope in God. its been bad for too long. i know im not the only one suffering in this world. but all i know is what i personally experience i cant speak for aynone else. all of it is getting to me, i shared my "family" issues with Far Side of the Moon, so she knows how they treated me in addition to the potential ocd doubts. Mari you are right i have to decide to trust God bindly, though hes never given a cent about me. i give up. its not worth it. i just want to disappear. i hate all those who hurt me in the midst of this. i want a new family, a new healthy father. i wish i can travel back in time and tell myself not to seek anything spiritual, to stay far away from God, to not even think of being saved. it wasnt worth it. i should have never prayed that very first prayer to be saved. it was the biggest mistake of my life and im paying for it. im suffering because at 19, i wanted to turn to God. so im SUFFERING for it, because i never had OCD, scrupulosity, or whatever i have, before i prayed and asked for the stupdest thing ever. i want my life back. though God is not there, i want him out of my thoughts, out of my memories, and out of my heart. .i cant do this anymore. i give up. thank you all for trying to help, but if i can help it i will not come back to the forums. it has nothing todo with you all, you have been very kind and supportive. but i see no hope, ther eis no hope, the character of God described in the bible is completely opposite of whats in mylife. God watched me attempt to take my life, he watched them call me crazy, tell me im nasty and selfish when im depressed.

im done. i wish you all the best. you are great people and i hope you continue to grow and achieve victory over all your struggles.

 

[Mari17]

thank you Mari for your response, its very thoughtful and truthful. i also want to thank gloriousday, far side of the moon, Doug and all you who hve commented. i know i havent really taken the time to thank you all. ive been subsitute teaching this week and feeling tired when i come home. i just want to say thank you all for caring. i have alot of to digest and consider. im scared. i guess im scared of trusting God. is that normal ?

i will post a more thorough response to what you all have said when i get the chance. my mind is just running alot. i will reply soon. thank you all again for your support

You're welcome! Many of us have been in rough spots with our OCD (or other issues), so we know how awful it is to feel totally in despair. Substitute teaching, wow - you've got your work cut out for you! I'm a teacher too and I've always had a lot of respect for subs because in some ways I think it's harder than having your own classroom. And I agree, teaching is one of the most tiring jobs I've ever had, at least mentally!! As for your question, I don't know whether or not it's "normal" to be scared of trusting God. I think everyone has a different experience based on their personalities, past experiences, etc. For me personally, with most things I don't have trouble trusting God, BUT when I'm obsessing about something, I find it nearly impossible to trust God with that issue. I try to take it all on myself and solve it using compulsions - which can even be just trying to reason it out on my own. You asked in a subsequent post if it sounds like your doubts are OCD. That's a really hard question to answer since I don't know you. I know that some people find it hard to trust because of past experiences - e.g. if they have not had love in their lives, they find it hard to believe God could love them, etc. OCD is usually characterized by doubt/worry/fear about one thing in particular - e.g. cleanliness, losing one's salvation, doing a horrible deed, etc. People with OCD have trouble processing certain thoughts smoothly. It's like, when you have OCD, you're predisposed to be anxious. So when your mind comes up with a weird or scary thought, your OCD latches onto it, and makes it stuck in your brain, whereas a "normal" person would have the thought, assess it logically, and then move on. OCD has a tendency to pick out the worst and scariest thoughts, which can be really hard. I've had obsessions about losing my salvation, lying, making unwanted promises to God, praying to the devil, and many more. A person without OCD might experience some of this; for example, they might think, "I wonder if I'm really saved; if there is evidence of God in my life." They might ponder it a bit, and make changes if they feel they need to, such as turning away from sin where they know they are sinning, building a relationship with God by reading the Bible and praying more, etc. A person with OCD tends to take a doubt, and magnify it until it seems unsolvable. There are usually compulsions involved - things they try to do to relieve the anxiety. For example, a person with OCD might have the doubt that they're not saved. Then they would remind themselves that they've asked God for salvation, so they must be saved. Then they'll feel better. But the feeling better usually doesn't last for long, because OCD doesn't want you to feel at rest. So, the person with OCD keeps trying to find relief, doing things such as researching the Bible or other sources, asking others for reassurance over and over (e.g. "Do you think I'm saved?"), asking Jesus into their heart over and over, etc. OCD tends to be very repetitive. The person with OCD cannot get their obsession out of their mind. They do something (a compulsion) to feel better, but since it doesn't last they keep doing compulsions over and over. The doubt doesn't go away, because when you do compulsions you're playing right into OCD's hand. It wants you to be afraid, doubting, and anxious all the time. I have so much more I could say but I'll stop for now. I'd encourage you to keep researching OCD and see if you think you have it. If you think you do, I can share some of my strategies I've learned for overcoming it. And even if you don't, some of the same strategies might be useful for getting over your doubt. One thing is for sure...having a joyful relationship with God is definitely possible. It might take same work to get there, but freedom is within your grasp!