How to tell an annoying Person to go away

[Ada Lovelace]

^ My post was looking like a dizzyingly long wall of text so I'm breaking it into two, ha.

Do try to consider, though, whether you could be robbing yourself of an opportunity to gain a true friend. It's perfectly natural for you to desire companionship, so if this classmate or some other male invites you to lunch or whatever, and you actually subconsciously do want to accept, this does not mean you have any romantic interest. I wonder if your overreaction to him is due to you wanting to annihilate any suppressed feelings of actually wanting to accept, of wanting to have a friendship - and nothing more - with him. Of course I could be mistaken but I think it's likely that you could feel this way when other men extend offers of friendship to you. Most people, especially at our age, are far more likely to be friends with others of the same gender. I'm in a sorority and I'm guesstimating that about 88% of my friendships are with other girls. Many of my guy friends are in fraternities - sharing rooms, communal bathrooms (private stalls, but all alongside one another) and all meals with other males who are their closest friends. And the majority of us are heterosexual.

I think HOCD induces distressing loneliness because it obtrusively bombards you with fears and anxieties that sabotage your ability to make friends. You wrote elsewhere that you were surprised I see kindness in you. But I honestly do. It's also obvious you are gifted with academic talents and a person of worth. I read the thread where you expressed fear you could be a sociopath or psychopath. I'm confident you are neither. This is evidence: "It’s gotten so bad I have never approached a girl in my life. I feel like she has one life so she shouldn’t have to spend it with me." This is absolutely diametric to how someone who was callously indifferent about the wellbeing of others would feel. It's very typical of how those with OCD feel, though. It's a disorder as much as my diabetes is, and must be treated appropriately so you can have a healthy and happier life. What I recommended above is sort of like DIY cognitive behavioral therapy, but a trained professional could give you more skilled advice.

 

[pantingdeer]

Please know you have remained in my prayers, even if I'm not actively responding your threads here. I've been a bit stressed out lately and tunnel-focused on matters pertaining to my major (international policy) but I had a long run this morning where my thoughts returned to you. How are you feeling now? I'm unclear as to what capacity you were working with the classmate who is the subject of this thread topic, whether it was an ongoing group project with assignments still to be completed or if at this point you're merely in the same class.

Whatever the case with this specific person, it is likely that other classmates will provoke - in most instances inadvertently - similar feelings of distress and discomfort. I'm writing this specifically in regards to him but I'm hopeful it can be applicable in other contexts.

I think it could be valuable to separate how this classmate makes you feel, and how you label him and his actions. Your feelings belong to you. Others can dispute facts with you, or have a perspective that is in contrast to your own, but your heart only beats inside of your chest, and only you can feel what you feel.

How you describe other people becomes like labels you put onto them. Even if you’re not physically affixing a label to the person or verbalizing your characterization, in your mind it’s how you are categorizing him. That in turn impacts how you regard and treat that person, which can be detrimental to you both. If you’ve decided that he is a creep, then any future behavior of his, regardless of how benign it may actually be, is likely to be construed by you as creepy. That in turn is going to intensify your inner distress at being in the class with him.

Try to sort through the feelings and the labels like you’re making two piles for laundry. This goes here, that goes there. Use the same care you would to avoid having a red sock fall in with a pile of expensive white button-down shirts, like the sort you might wear one day after you've graduated and begun your career. The sock may be small but has the ability to discolor everything. A negative label on someone can similarly discolor your entire perception of him.

Put the basketful of labels out of sight for a while. Then take the one with the feelings, and go through a process similarly to throwing them in the wash, drying them, taking them out and sorting them properly. Don’t just let the feelings be tossed into a jumbled pile that goes unwashed and unorganized, taking up space and creating a tormenting odor in your brain. Pull each one out and examine. Wash away preconceived notions, such as a man who crosses his legs or invites you to grab lunch with him must be gay. Or that if he is, in fact gay, that mere friendliness implies any form of romantic interest in you. Homosexuality is not communicable, it's not a contagion, so being in the presence of someone who is gay will not change your own sexuality. Then air the feelings to dry in the bright sunlight of facts. Your feelings are valid but are likely clouded by your HOCD. Try to consider how someone else who doesn't have HOCD might feel in the same scenario. You and this one classmate aren't the only ones in that class. If he was truly a lecherous, predatory creep behaving inappropriately others would likely lodge a complaint, but nothing you've described here would warrant such a measure.

Then take feelings and see if they can be paired with any actions. Some feelings can't be paired with an action any more than you'd try to wear a sock on one foot and a pair of underwear on the other. Accept what you cannot change. This classmate has the right to be in the class with you. Future classmates and workmates that will similarly frustrate you will also be entitled to be in classes and offices with you. If you're still working on projects together, he has the right to want to organize the time outside of class to collaborate. This doesn't mean he can just dictate when and where you meet, so you do have the right to refuse to have lunch with him, and to set your own terms. Pair your feelings to the actions you can take. You mentioned that there's another person in the group with you, along with this classmate. So if the three of you have projects to be worked on (not sure if that's the case or not), then suggest arrangements for the three of you to meet in a place where you'd be comfortable. Be proactive. It's also your prerogative to not form any friendship with him or anyone else you're not interested in befriending, but it's for your benefit as much as it is his for you to still try your best to have a spirit of charity and kindness. Firmly decline invitations, but do so politely.

Hi there. I’m feeling ok I guess but I still have my underlying problems of loneliness, sadness and fear. A brother of my old friend from school said hello to me in the gym and even was nice enough to come over to me to say bye since he was leaving - but I almost wish I didn’t meet him because it made me sad. This is because I realised how I’m always alone in the gym with no friends and he is with multiple friends at the gym. So thoughts played on my mind that I’m a loser and also worried that people perceive me this way and recognise that I’m always alone. I also got worried since I never know what to say. It felt like a big grey cloud of sadness came over me in that period and I felt like I couldn’t get it to go away.

This person also makes me wonder how some people have so many friends? What is it about other people that makes them nice to be around while I don’t get the impression that people want to be around me. I tried speaking to people in work and for a few weeks we could have some brief conversations but now I feel distance between us and that they don’t like me anymore. This subconsciously makes me more tense and then I think I act more strangely and can’t seem to have conversations anymore.

About the classmate, he is only a person I meet up with in a group of 3 on a weekly basis to discuss our assignment for that week. Of course I am in his classes too. I have tried to stay away from him as much as possible but when in the group setting I just be normal.

I think you are right about me labelling him in this way - in fact I think I subconsciously label everyone I meet. I feel really bad now as maybe I am actually a bitter person inside and maybe everyone else can see that within me. Maybe I’ve been wrong about this entire situation. Yes he made me uncomfortable but this student is only here for another 6 weeks and then will be gone. I will try to be friendly towards him from now on (still I don’t want to go to lunch alone with him).

 

[Sy89ian]

It can be very challenging to face toxic people but the best thing to do is set clear boundaries so that they do not take you lightly. Watch this for more help