I've been wrestling with similar thoughts and feelings for a few years, and I have to inform you that my personal experience has led me to believe that the cause is indeed supernatural in nature. We are in a spiritual war and the evil one (and his forces) do indeed have the power to completely alter the perspective of a person. How he does that, it is unclear to me at the moment. The point is that the more we obey God, the less the evil one's powers decrease and the more our spiritual clarity increases. Of course, there are exceptions, and I cannot explain the reason for them.
I don't want to be a Christian anymore. I'm starting to hate everything about it with a burning passion.
Make a list (preferably an exhaustive one) of all the things you hate about being a Christian. Then take that list to God in prayer and ask Him to give you discernment in regards to all the things on that list. Go through the list, one by one, and ask God to do what He deems necessary to align your view with His view about said things.
Sometimes I wish that God never existed.
I go through that sometimes as well. I even told that to God. But then I came to the conclusion that the version of God that I wished never existed is the twisted version that satan has planted into my mind. It's not the real version of God. I recommend you pray to God to give you a full (or at least a deeper) understanding of His true nature and of His true character. Also, reading this book might be useful:
How God Changes Your Brain by Andrew Newberg, M.D., Mark Robert Waldman: 9780345503428 | PenguinRandomHouse.com: Books
I honestly don't really care about what Jesus did on the cross. It has no significance to me (it never did in the first place).
It depends on what theory of the atonement you believe in. If you believe in Penal Substitution, I've never really been able to fully come to terms with that either. I recommend you read Saint Athanasius' writings:
Work info: On the Incarnation of the Word - Christian Classics Ethereal Library (Look up "On the incarnation of The Word" by Saint Athanasius of Alexandria; it's available online for free as text, but you can also buy the book from Amazon, I think).
Praying to God to make me care about him and what he did for me just doesn't work.
May I ask how long and how diligently you've tried it? I'm not judging you or anything. But persistence is very important when we seek God. We must pray even if we don't feel like it. We must pray even if our entire being feels like it's against praying. We must pray even if we feel like we hate to pray. We must force ourselves to pray even more when we feel like that.
I'm tired of hearing people say that the devil and God are wrestling over my mind and that some "spiritual warfare" stuff is going on
Well, it's the truth. Not just for you, but for me as well. I know that I've felt tired of people telling me these things too, but when I was given some clarity from God, I realized that what I was feeling were emotions generated by satan's lies. One thing that might help would be to talk to a spiritual confessor (a priest or a pastor) about your feelings and have some people at church pray or you. I would venture as much as recommending an exorcism or a deliverance, just to be on the safe side.
But no, I can't complain, I can't question, I can't do anything. I must submit to his authority, and if I don't I must have some "devilish spirit" or whatever else people have told me.
You can certainly question Him. Just don't expect answers to some of the questions. Jesus told even His disciples that some things are meant to be known only by The Father. Here is a video that you might find useful. Please watch it in its entirety.
So, I'm trying to just shut up and submit to God now.
How do I submit to God (stop complaining, questioning, etc)even though I don't want to anymore?
You submit to God by spending time doing His Will and by keep asking Him to cleanse you and to make you see and feel things as He wants you to see and feel them. Have a daily prayer and Bible reading schedule (at least half an hour of prayer and half an hour of Bible studying in the morning and the same in the afternoon). Reflect upon the fact that we were created to manifest His love and His character (goodness, kindness, compassion, forgiveness, altruism etc.) in this world. Volunteer to do some daily good deeds, if you are able to. Help those who need help (family members, neighbors, homeless people etc.). Do this on a regular basis. Watch videos on YouTube (I recommend Fr. Mike Schmitz, Dan Mohler, Joyce Meyer, Joseph Prince, David Sorensen etc.). Focus less on your feelings and more on your actions. Put other people's well-being above yours, even when you don't feel like it, even when your entire being hates doing so. After a while, your feelings will change.
God bless you!
