how to deal with a lukewarm boyfriend?

[senjoy]

Hello all, I'm new here and found this site in search of advice on Christian relationships. I'm sorry if this is not the right thread to post a topic like this, but I honestly don't have anyone to talk about it with so I am asking all of you or those who may care to read this.

I'm 18 (I know, I'm "young", and this may seem insignificant) and currently in a relationship with a 20 year old guy who says he's a Christian. The problem I have is that I'm not feeling like he is not wanting to grow in his faith as I want to grow in mine. I've already had talks with him about lust, intentionally using God's name in vain, and how I don't want to be sexually intimate before marriage. He does agree with these things, but I feel that he only stops doing them because it pleases me, not because he wants to please God. I've asked if we could pray or read our Bibles together but he never seems willing to. Recently, I ended up questioning his faith and asking if he was really serious about God because his words and actions were not lining up. He got angry at me and said, and I quote, I'm "aggressively religious" and "taking religion too seriously". He tried to flip it on me and it made me feel like I was wrong for even bringing anything up.

I don't know if I was wrong for questioning him, but I prayed on it and the whole thing just sat heavily on my heart. After that, I just don't feel the same.

I've asked God if I should stay because I am the only person in his life who is a "positive energy" due to his bad home life and past, but I am kind of suffering because of it. I know the easy answer is to just break up, but no one has a perfect walk with God and I would like to be in union with him in that, or at least strengthen his hunger for Christ. I pray for him all the time but I know that only God can change people.

TLDR: Boyfriend is lukewarm. Doesn't seem to want to grow closer to God and it's bringing me down.

 

[GallagherM]

Hello, @senjoy
(No relationship here in 6 years) - Though when it comes down to desiring someone who would like to listen and read the gospels that would be a good thing to me in my mind. If you are willingly enough to spend time with Him, and He with you; there shouldn't be a problem with spending an hour together and learn the word of God with one another I personally would suggest.

You have to make the decision for yourself:

In my life I have seen many people go in and out of my life and I am 30. When I was 18 I could careless about God it was all about me myself. It is good to see and hear there are people out there who are young and desire to have a personal relationship with God our Father and seek Him in desire to worship God in spirit and in truth and learn about the Son of God our Lord Jesus Christ.

May God help you in your choice; and make the right choices by sticking with the Lord Jesus Christ and what He may have in store for you.

 

[The Narrow Way]

Welcome to CF, Senjoy! I'm so happy that you are taking your Christian walk serious at your age. So many make a big mistake of putting spiritual things in the background "until they are older" and they end up making some really big mistakes that affects their entire life.

I have five children and 12 grandchildren. If you were my daughter, I'd tell you to RUN, as fast as you could. Don't settle for someone who you have to lead along. If you want a happy marriage, don't settle for a man who is not spiritual. I've been married 40+ years and I am very blessed to have a wonderful, spiritual husband. He came out of the drinking/drug world, but his biggest desire was to follow Jesus in everything.

If your BF is trying to put you on a guilt trip for being too religious, because you want to read the Bible and pray and don't want to have sex til you are married, you should RUN! You don't want that kind of husband.

I pray you will be strong, and have the courage to walk away. You can only help people who want help.

 

[Tolworth John]

don't know if I was wrong for questioning him, but I prayed on it and the whole thing just sat heavily on my heart. After that, I just don't feel the same.

It is make or break time.
Two questions for him.
This Sunday he and you are attending whose church?
2,nd. how does he see himself as a Spiritual leader in your relationship?

The first is a permanent arrangements, you are both attending church every Sunday and midweek meetings together.

If he has no idea what you mean by him being a spiritual leader and he won't learn, dump him.

You have every right to challenge his Christianity, if he won't talk or attend church with you every Sunday dump him.

 

[Hazelelponi]

Hello all, I'm new here and found this site in search of advice on Christian relationships. I'm sorry if this is not the right thread to post a topic like this, but I honestly don't have anyone to talk about it with so I am asking all of you or those who may care to read this.

I'm 18 (I know, I'm "young", and this may seem insignificant) and currently in a relationship with a 20 year old guy who says he's a Christian. The problem I have is that I'm not feeling like he is not wanting to grow in his faith as I want to grow in mine. I've already had talks with him about lust, intentionally using God's name in vain, and how I don't want to be sexually intimate before marriage. He does agree with these things, but I feel that he only stops doing them because it pleases me, not because he wants to please God. I've asked if we could pray or read our Bibles together but he never seems willing to. Recently, I ended up questioning his faith and asking if he was really serious about God because his words and actions were not lining up. He got angry at me and said, and I quote, I'm "aggressively religious" and "taking religion too seriously". He tried to flip it on me and it made me feel like I was wrong for even bringing anything up.

I don't know if I was wrong for questioning him, but I prayed on it and the whole thing just sat heavily on my heart. After that, I just don't feel the same.

I've asked God if I should stay because I am the only person in his life who is a "positive energy" due to his bad home life and past, but I am kind of suffering because of it. I know the easy answer is to just break up, but no one has a perfect walk with God and I would like to be in union with him in that, or at least strengthen his hunger for Christ. I pray for him all the time but I know that only God can change people.

TLDR: Boyfriend is lukewarm. Doesn't seem to want to grow closer to God and it's bringing me down.

You're not wrong - time to end it and find a Christian to marry. Many think just because they're baptized or they grew up with Christian parents they're Christian - but that's not the case. You have to believe in truth yourself, and it doesn't sound like this young man does. Rather he sounds like he's saying what he thinks you want to hear - but only to a point.

Good luck to you!

 

[ReesePiece23]

He got angry at me and said, and I quote, I'm "aggressively religious" and "taking religion too seriously". He tried to flip it on me and it made me feel like I was wrong for even bringing anything up.

Premier League level gaslighting.

I wouldn't even let my own mother make such an assumption; not without LITERALLY plugging into my brain and reading my thoughts. And even then I'd question her interpretation. And I would certainly tell her to behave herself if she tried turning her own anger onto me.

And that's my mother lol. A partner would be creating her account on Plenty of Fish by now.

The best advice I could ever give you at this age is to be well on your guard with people who AREN'T you telling YOU how you feel. Red flags should be sailing when someone is telling you that you're taking something you love/enjoy too seriously. It's literally the oldest control tactic in the world. They want you all to themselves.

He's 20 - older to you, but a baby compared to a 30-something year old trilobite like me. Trust me, he's got some heavyweight humility lessons coming real soon. He's got everything to learn and he should probably be receiving mentorship from someone further down the road than him. An Alpha Course or a Christian men's group would be perfect.

I won't go in too hard, because he IS only 20. I never expect the world from someone that young. Just a willingness to learn is all that's needed when you're young.

 

[bèlla]

It appears you’re initiating a lot in your relationship and the discussions are somewhat corrective. Well-meaning I’m sure but a common complaint men make when amongst themselves.

We must give one another the freedom to experience God on our on terms. Too often a person impresses their zeal upon another expectantly. Oftentimes our behavior is a factor of interest, gifting, and the Holy Spirit’s leading. There are reasons beyond knowing the Lord that influence our actions.

You can’t lead him. It’s nice to make suggestions but that’s a two-way street. If you’re the lone one addressing God that doesn’t mean he’s insincere. But it could suggest you require a level of seriousness and depth he doesn’t possess.

If his spiritual immaturity is bothersome you’ll have to find someone more like yourself. The talks may inevitably lead to further outbursts. He may view it as mothering or henpecking. Not your intention but a valid concern if it happens often. You can’t change him.

I would question why I’m down and whether my lowness is the result of spiritual concerns, the absence of activities I enjoy, or a bit of both. The latter is probably the case. You want something too.

You both have a lot of growing to do. Oftentimes the best solution is taking your hands off and committing the matter to the Lord. Prayer can change a lot. As does grace. He’s not where you are. Make peace with it and seek the Lord’s help on his behalf.

If you dwell on his behavior you’ll miss the larger opportunity of exemplifying the same. No relationship is perfect. We all have unflattering qualities. How we handle it is the difference. Consider the whole in your decision. Who is he beyond this?

~bella

 

[AK1982]

You do not have much control on how serious he is in his relationship with the Lord. He is being him and that's how he "probably" is going to be for the rest of his life!

Trust your instincts. A person who is not serious about God is not a Christian, regardless of whoever he may call himself to be.

To begin with, how do you know he has accepted Jesus as his personal saviour? How do your know he started his journey with Christ at all? Is he claiming to be a Christian just because he has to identify himself somehow? Without this information, do you choose to pray for his salvation or deeper fellowship with God?

In my opinion, he, through his actions, has given you enough input on what God means to him. It's upto you to decide to quit or stay.

Knowingly getting in to a relationship with an "unequally yoked man" thinking that you can pray and strengthen his relationship with God - girl, it's a heavy cross. Unless, God leads you that path according to His will for your life, don't sign up for burning yourself. Don't be lead by your emotions.

 

[tturt]

I would back off for a brief period of time.to see what he says and does. If you asks if you are going to church on Sun, he may say yes just to please you. While you want him to want to go. Maybe you wanting him to lead in spiritual matters is a new perspective to him. (btw, women do expect their husbands to lead but don't think many know it). Look at how his family handles things.

Would pray - God's will be done.

Encourage you to watch "Marriage Today."

Their website marriagetoday.com/category/tv-episodes/ has probably 60 free episodes including "What a man really needs" and 'What a woman really needs" by Jimmy Evan's ministries. All teachings are Biblically based. Plus there's books, videos, etc. He was recently interviewed on Joni: Table Table for 4 eqisodes about his book "The Four Laws of Love." Think those can still be viewed.

There's hundreds of "Marriage Today" episodes on youtube.

 

[Albion]

Hello, Senjoy. My impression is that you both are normal and interested in having a successful relationship with the other person. But that doesn't guarantee success.

He may be inclined, for your sake, to bite his tongue when you start in on him about religion, but he might be right if he thinks you are trying too much to control even the smaller aspects of a religious commitment.

You may be unwilling to settle for a boyfriend who, despite many admirable qualities, doesn't approach his faith in quite the same way as you do.

I say "may" in all those cases because those are possibilities. Each of them could be turned around and seen from the opposite angle just as well. The fact is, however, that without putting all the blame on either one of you, this relationship seems destined not to work out.

Many Christians who are deeply devout are able to let their partner operate on a somewhat less intense level, so long as the other one reciprocates and respects the other's dedication. They get along fine. I get the idea that this is not likely to be the case with you two, however, and you might as well plan for it.

 

[BNR32FAN]

Hello all, I'm new here and found this site in search of advice on Christian relationships. I'm sorry if this is not the right thread to post a topic like this, but I honestly don't have anyone to talk about it with so I am asking all of you or those who may care to read this.

I'm 18 (I know, I'm "young", and this may seem insignificant) and currently in a relationship with a 20 year old guy who says he's a Christian. The problem I have is that I'm not feeling like he is not wanting to grow in his faith as I want to grow in mine. I've already had talks with him about lust, intentionally using God's name in vain, and how I don't want to be sexually intimate before marriage. He does agree with these things, but I feel that he only stops doing them because it pleases me, not because he wants to please God. I've asked if we could pray or read our Bibles together but he never seems willing to. Recently, I ended up questioning his faith and asking if he was really serious about God because his words and actions were not lining up. He got angry at me and said, and I quote, I'm "aggressively religious" and "taking religion too seriously". He tried to flip it on me and it made me feel like I was wrong for even bringing anything up.

I don't know if I was wrong for questioning him, but I prayed on it and the whole thing just sat heavily on my heart. After that, I just don't feel the same.

I've asked God if I should stay because I am the only person in his life who is a "positive energy" due to his bad home life and past, but I am kind of suffering because of it. I know the easy answer is to just break up, but no one has a perfect walk with God and I would like to be in union with him in that, or at least strengthen his hunger for Christ. I pray for him all the time but I know that only God can change people.

TLDR: Boyfriend is lukewarm. Doesn't seem to want to grow closer to God and it's bringing me down.

I hate to say it but it sounds like he’s a false professor. It doesn’t sound like he’s actually showing any interest in pleasing God or studying God’s word. He probably thinks he’s a Christian but doesn’t actually know what being a Christian really is. Being a Christian is not determined by what church you may have attended growing up as a child, being a Christian is about being Christ like. So you two may not be right for each other, at least not right now.

 

[Sophrosyne]

I agree with BRN32 here, people very often "fall in line" with what is expected of them in order to get what they want and when they no longer have to tow the line and capture their "prize" they then resort to the nature they are comfortable with and that is likely "NOT GOD". You are plenty young these days a lot of women aren't getting married till their mid to late 20s now this would give you time to see how this young man (boy?) matures and how serious he is about God. When it comes to being a Christian it is about the individual's relationship with God that matters not what he does in a crowd because too often people fall to peer pressure to be what is expected but alone with others not Christian they fall to that as well. A good test would be observing how he acts among non Christians does he try to be a beacon to lead them to Christ, does he resist their sinful talk and ways or does he play a chameleon and fits in wherever he goes. It is one thing to try and fit in at work where your livelihood is at risk and you have to not cause problems with others, another thing where your faith or lack of can get you either accepted or ridiculed by others.

People that cannot stand strong for God when it is needed, likely have their faith built on a foundation of sand and when you experience trouble they cannot be of much help and often they are a constant hindrance needing your support when their sand castle is washed away but when your brick hut is flooded they don't have the time to grab a bucket and help bail water out of it with you.

 

[Mark Quayle]

Hello all, I'm new here and found this site in search of advice on Christian relationships. I'm sorry if this is not the right thread to post a topic like this, but I honestly don't have anyone to talk about it with so I am asking all of you or those who may care to read this.

I'm 18 (I know, I'm "young", and this may seem insignificant) and currently in a relationship with a 20 year old guy who says he's a Christian. The problem I have is that I'm not feeling like he is not wanting to grow in his faith as I want to grow in mine. I've already had talks with him about lust, intentionally using God's name in vain, and how I don't want to be sexually intimate before marriage. He does agree with these things, but I feel that he only stops doing them because it pleases me, not because he wants to please God. I've asked if we could pray or read our Bibles together but he never seems willing to. Recently, I ended up questioning his faith and asking if he was really serious about God because his words and actions were not lining up. He got angry at me and said, and I quote, I'm "aggressively religious" and "taking religion too seriously". He tried to flip it on me and it made me feel like I was wrong for even bringing anything up.

I don't know if I was wrong for questioning him, but I prayed on it and the whole thing just sat heavily on my heart. After that, I just don't feel the same.

I've asked God if I should stay because I am the only person in his life who is a "positive energy" due to his bad home life and past, but I am kind of suffering because of it. I know the easy answer is to just break up, but no one has a perfect walk with God and I would like to be in union with him in that, or at least strengthen his hunger for Christ. I pray for him all the time but I know that only God can change people.

TLDR: Boyfriend is lukewarm. Doesn't seem to want to grow closer to God and it's bringing me down.

I don't know you (or him) well enough to give advice, except to point to the fact that my wife and I had pretty much the same situation before we were married, and to tell you a little about it. In the eyes of some, and certainly from the notion taught by modern evangelicals (that "God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life and for your marriage"), our marriage was an unhealthy aberration. (I once asked one of these evangelicals how he would classify poor Hosea's situation —was it an exception? He said it was. I said, then everyone's marriage is an exception. (Hosea is commanded by God to marry a prostitute, who predictably returns to her prostitution, and whom Hosea is to forgive and accept back.))

My wife (before we were married) broke up with me a time or two over the very thing you refer to: she thought I was lukewarm towards God. (I considered myself satisfied in Christ and enjoying life, but for a few things that theologically didn't make sense to me.) I thought she was judgemental and contentious. These assessments of each other continued even for years into our marriage: From her point-of-view I was not growing, certainly not steadily, and had little concern for the things of God. From my point of view she was too quick to act on whatever she was convinced of at the moment, much more volatile than intellectually conservative. I have always been one who was slow to draw conclusions just because on the surface something seems to be true; she, on the other hand, like her father, was prone to "changing opinions in mid-paragraph without losing any of his vehemence". She thought I was wishy-washy because I didn't express my opinions the way she expressed hers. I thought she was oppressively judgemental and opinionated to the point that she thought that if I didn't agree with her, I needed to repent. If she had an opinion, it was a strong one. (I could go on and on, and no doubt, she could have about me— she did have a point, and while I was married to her, God did a lot of work on me —particularly in the area of theology).

My reason for marriage, unlike some guys, was not because of sex, but because I wanted a best friend, a safe place, a home to come to for refuge and mutual comfort and enjoyment, an intimately safe place for my heart, somebody to know like I knew myself. I got everything but that.

(In spite of her strength of will (she 'won' all the battles), she never got me to change to her mindset, and she never changed her mindset. Though she calmed down somewhat with age, she never changed her mode of thinking, her habitual NEED to supervise, to judge and the drive to change people that were closest to her. She never listened to my reasoning —to her it was illogical— but if she read something in a purportedly 'Christian Book', *I* had to live by it!)



Maybe none of this applies to your situation —I don't know— but maybe the same sort of misery will apply to your marriage, and though I praise God for taking me through what he did, because of the things I learned about him resulting from my marriage (and I HAVE become much more passionate about him), and because he always does what he does for a good reason, I would never have chosen that misery, knowing ahead that it would be so.

My knee-jerk opinion? —find someone else, for the sake of both of you. But God has his reasons for everything that comes to pass: This life is not about us, but about Christ.

 

[senjoy]

Hello, @senjoy
(No relationship here in 6 years) - Though when it comes down to desiring someone who would like to listen and read the gospels that would be a good thing to me in my mind. If you are willingly enough to spend time with Him, and He with you; there shouldn't be a problem with spending an hour together and learn the word of God with one another I personally would suggest.

You have to make the decision for yourself:

In my life I have seen many people go in and out of my life and I am 30. When I was 18 I could careless about God it was all about me myself. It is good to see and hear there are people out there who are young and desire to have a personal relationship with God our Father and seek Him in desire to worship God in spirit and in truth and learn about the Son of God our Lord Jesus Christ.

May God help you in your choice; and make the right choices by sticking with the Lord Jesus Christ and what He may have in store for you.

Thank you very much for your response, Gallagher!

Well I would absolutely love to sit down and do Bible study with him, but he says he doesn't read his Bible much, if at all, outside of church (and because we began dating during the covid quarantine, I'm not sure if he attends regularly) because he is quote "not commanded by the Bible to [read his Bible]". Hearing that left me concerned and uneasy. When I posted this thread, I was unsure if anyone would respond but wow people did! I am taking everyone's advice into careful consideration and praying for clarity.

God bless you!

 

[senjoy]

Welcome to CF, Senjoy! I'm so happy that you are taking your Christian walk serious at your age. So many make a big mistake of putting spiritual things in the background "until they are older" and they end up making some really big mistakes that affects their entire life.

I have five children and 12 grandchildren. If you were my daughter, I'd tell you to RUN, as fast as you could. Don't settle for someone who you have to lead along. If you want a happy marriage, don't settle for a man who is not spiritual. I've been married 40+ years and I am very blessed to have a wonderful, spiritual husband. He came out of the drinking/drug world, but his biggest desire was to follow Jesus in everything.

If your BF is trying to put you on a guilt trip for being too religious, because you want to read the Bible and pray and don't want to have sex til you are married, you should RUN! You don't want that kind of husband.

I pray you will be strong, and have the courage to walk away. You can only help people who want help.

Thank you so much for the warm welcome!

I am very fortunate to have been raised by loving Christian parents and though I had my moments of rebellion and lukewarmness myself, God has put me through trials that have and are drawing me closer and closer to Him everyday. Really, I think your comment is what I needed. I've been sitting on the fence about cutting it loose for the past few weeks, but was just feeling like I was being held back for some reason. I do care for this guy, but I care about my relationship with God much more. Unfortunately, I don't feel that he is uplifting that as whenever we have had an argument, it's an ultimatum between either him or God. Of course, well, I choose God haha.

 

[senjoy]

You're not wrong - time to end it and find a Christian to marry. Many think just because they're baptized or they grew up with Christian parents they're Christian - but that's not the case. You have to believe in truth yourself, and it doesn't sound like this young man does. Rather he sounds like he's saying what he thinks you want to hear - but only to a point.

Good luck to you!

Hello! Thank you for the reply

I agree 100%. It's funny because he actually said that he was baptized and accepted Jesus into his heart. And then I responded quite literally exactly like what you've said here during a discussion on our faith (though not as bluntly), and he got upset about my questioning and threw it back in my face. Unfortunate, but I guess sometimes the truth can sting. ):

 

[Cormack]

Jumping jellybeans, @Mark Quayle. That message was the most fascinating thing I’ve read all week (and I read a lot in a week.)

 

[senjoy]

Premier League level gaslighting.

I wouldn't even let my own mother make such an assumption; not without LITERALLY plugging into my brain and reading my thoughts. And even then I'd question her interpretation. And I would certainly tell her to behave herself if she tried turning her own anger onto me.

And that's my mother lol. A partner would be creating her account on Plenty of Fish by now.

The best advice I could ever give you at this age is to be well on your guard with people who AREN'T you telling YOU how you feel. Red flags should be sailing when someone is telling you that you're taking something you love/enjoy too seriously. It's literally the oldest control tactic in the world. They want you all to themselves.

He's 20 - older to you, but a baby compared to a 30-something year old trilobite like me. Trust me, he's got some heavyweight humility lessons coming real soon. He's got everything to learn and he should probably be receiving mentorship from someone further down the road than him. An Alpha Course or a Christian men's group would be perfect.

I won't go in too hard, because he IS only 20. I never expect the world from someone that young. Just a willingness to learn is all that's needed when you're young.

Hello ReesePiece! (Reese's is my favorite candy lol!) Thanks so much for your reply.

I did think some of his responses to my concerns were a bit manipulative. An example is he threatens to break up with me ("if I'm getting in the way of your relationship with the Lord, then you should just break up with me") every time we argue, which is really not often because generally I am not one to start them, but it makes me feel trapped. Of course I don't expect him to have the answers to everything, heck, I'm even younger and there's just no way you can put that kind of expectation upon someone of our age. However, I feel that there is just a discrepancy in where both of us are spiritually, like we are not on the same page. I pray and pray, so if it is or isn't God's will, it will be done either way.

 

[Cormack]

Maybe you could invite him into the faith more on his terms, @senjoy. If his religious views are an important part of his life, then he has to express those thoughts and feelings in some way. I can’t stand most Christian music for example, but love Christian apologetics.

Ask him what he actually likes about his faith. Apologetics, music, church involvement? If he doesn’t tick any of those boxes he might just be a nominal guy who likes you.

Lots of young guys lie or exaggerate their interest in a subject to impress or ingratiate themselves to the girl they’re with.

 

[Gregory Thompson]

Hello all, I'm new here and found this site in search of advice on Christian relationships. I'm sorry if this is not the right thread to post a topic like this, but I honestly don't have anyone to talk about it with so I am asking all of you or those who may care to read this.

I'm 18 (I know, I'm "young", and this may seem insignificant) and currently in a relationship with a 20 year old guy who says he's a Christian. The problem I have is that I'm not feeling like he is not wanting to grow in his faith as I want to grow in mine. I've already had talks with him about lust, intentionally using God's name in vain, and how I don't want to be sexually intimate before marriage. He does agree with these things, but I feel that he only stops doing them because it pleases me, not because he wants to please God. I've asked if we could pray or read our Bibles together but he never seems willing to. Recently, I ended up questioning his faith and asking if he was really serious about God because his words and actions were not lining up. He got angry at me and said, and I quote, I'm "aggressively religious" and "taking religion too seriously". He tried to flip it on me and it made me feel like I was wrong for even bringing anything up.

I don't know if I was wrong for questioning him, but I prayed on it and the whole thing just sat heavily on my heart. After that, I just don't feel the same.

I've asked God if I should stay because I am the only person in his life who is a "positive energy" due to his bad home life and past, but I am kind of suffering because of it. I know the easy answer is to just break up, but no one has a perfect walk with God and I would like to be in union with him in that, or at least strengthen his hunger for Christ. I pray for him all the time but I know that only God can change people.

TLDR: Boyfriend is lukewarm. Doesn't seem to want to grow closer to God and it's bringing me down.

Sounds like a church kid who grew up and is looking for someone to have sex with.

Not everyone who grew up in church gets born again.

I don't think the term lukewarm applies here.