How do you overcome a relationship poverty mentality?

[therebelprophet]

So a lot of you know about "the girl" in my life, the one that has been a Battle Royale for nearly seven years now...but there's a bit more to it than meets the eye. I know that God brought us together, but I have what I've come to call a "relationship poverty mentality" towards her...and kinda towards everyone else, too, to be quite honest.

I am scared that she will be taken away from me or that I will lose her. In spite of the difficulties surrounding our tempestuous association with each other, she's the only one I want and the only one I can ever see being with for the rest of my life. But at the same time I am genuinely surprised at every little bit of attention that she gives me. I feel like one of those poor starving African children and she's throwing me pieces of bread. Yeah, I'll eat it, but I never know when the next piece will arrive or IF it will arrive so I gobble down every moment like it was my last. How do I conquer this mentality?

She's fixed in my life...I can't get rid of her even though I've tried, but we can't seem to move forward, either. Something is always in the way. We fight like a married couple and when she's upset with me she threatens that it might be the end of "us" but still insists that we're "just friends". Sometimes we're just talking on the phone and I want to tell her, "Marry me!" Not in a squishy, romantic sort of way, but in the way that says "we already act like we're married, so let's just make it official." And even though we're slowly realizing that we're not going anywhere, that she's not leaving me or vice versa, we still can't seem to ever "get to" each other

All in all what I really want to know is this: after seven years of us being so much more than friends but never truly knowing each other, how in the world do I get past this fear that she's gonna disappear on me? How do I conquer that grasping, that desperation that haunts me in the night watches? I want to be with her and I know, I KNOW that she's got STRONG feelings for me...but she's closed off to me, emotionally, in such a confusing sort of way. "You're the most important person in the world to me, but I can't open up to you all the way." She can't "give of herself" to me and I quake in the face of that. So, um...help? What do I do? What can I do on my end of things to deal with the fear?

 

[nephilimiyr]

I'll read your OP when I have time latter but to answer your thread title, "How do you overcome a relationship poverty mentality?"

It's a simple message but not often very easy to learn. the way is to recongnize that you are worthy, not only for relationship but for blessings unto the Lord. It's about recongnizing who you are in Christ and believing it with every sense in you. People who are poverty stricken in their relationship with God most often sell themselves short. Yet God is our fan, He cheers us on no matter what. Yet because of our life in sin, we condemn ourselves and believe ourselves unworhty. This should not be because this is not anything like how God views us. We have been washed by the water, and we are cover with his blood. God doesn't now see our sins and misgivings, what He sees is his Spirit living inside us keeping us holy and righteous with our faith in Jesus Christ.

I know you are talking about a relationship with a girl, I'll get back to you on that.

 

[nephilimiyr]

therebelprophet, forgive me if I got this wrong but after reading your postI can almost see it clearly. You are more in love with your idea of what you want in a lover, a mate, a wife, than what she really is. Let me tell you something therebelprophet, you can't change her so stop dreaming that you can. I have been married for 25 years and trust me, I've tried to do it and all it does is cause major problems. Yes you can round the edges a little but she will stay who she is.

If you want to be with this woman forever, it's best you get used to her the way she is instead of making her into something she isn't. My wife and I are perfect axamples of how opposites attrack. yes I am disappointed that we have to disagree on so much, but I deeply love her just the same, even after 25 years!

 

[therebelprophet]

Yes, but when those differences are the very thing that keep you FROM one another? What then? She, in her own words is "a very closed off person"...how do you relate to THAT? Rather than wrap her arms around my neck when she is having a difficult time, she would rather me be just close enough to touch...and every now and again she'll reach out to make sure I'm still there and then go back to her normal routine and do it all by herself. I'm there in her life, but the story is not about me. I'm in the margins next to it, around it, framing it, but I don't know how to move out of the margins and into the paragraphs. Does that make sense?

I'm there in her life as a hope so fragile, so earnestly desired, that it cannot even be voiced, cannot be grasped by the mind, but it colors everything she does. Had I not seen the evidence and the fruit of this time and time again then I would think I was crazy (and have many, many times, in the past), yet it's there as plain as day. Even her mother sees it: "God brought you two together for a reason, that much is obvious." and "She trusts you more than just about anybody else that I know of." That's what she told me.

I'm slowly getting past the "cardboard cutout" phase of my dealings with her and she with me. We're getting past what is merely our ideas of one another into the actual meat of what the other person truly is and who they REALLY are as an individual. It's very difficult and is making only very small steps forward. Baby steps. But I love her. That's what it always comes back to. But I love her.

 

[mourningdove~]

So a lot of you know about "the girl" in my life, the one that has been a Battle Royale for nearly seven years now...but there's a bit more to it than meets the eye. I know that God brought us together, but I have what I've come to call a "relationship poverty mentality" towards her...and kinda towards everyone else, too, to be quite honest.

I am scared that she will be taken away from me or that I will lose her. In spite of the difficulties surrounding our tempestuous association with each other, she's the only one I want and the only one I can ever see being with for the rest of my life. But at the same time I am genuinely surprised at every little bit of attention that she gives me. I feel like one of those poor starving African children and she's throwing me pieces of bread. Yeah, I'll eat it, but I never know when the next piece will arrive or IF it will arrive so I gobble down every moment like it was my last. How do I conquer this mentality?

She's fixed in my life...I can't get rid of her even though I've tried, but we can't seem to move forward, either. Something is always in the way. We fight like a married couple and when she's upset with me she threatens that it might be the end of "us" but still insists that we're "just friends". Sometimes we're just talking on the phone and I want to tell her, "Marry me!" Not in a squishy, romantic sort of way, but in the way that says "we already act like we're married, so let's just make it official." And even though we're slowly realizing that we're not going anywhere, that she's not leaving me or vice versa, we still can't seem to ever "get to" each other

All in all what I really want to know is this: after seven years of us being so much more than friends but never truly knowing each other, how in the world do I get past this fear that she's gonna disappear on me? How do I conquer that grasping, that desperation that haunts me in the night watches? I want to be with her and I know, I KNOW that she's got STRONG feelings for me...but she's closed off to me, emotionally, in such a confusing sort of way. "You're the most important person in the world to me, but I can't open up to you all the way." She can't "give of herself" to me and I quake in the face of that. So, um...help? What do I do? What can I do on my end of things to deal with the fear?

Hi TRP ...

Have you ever heard this poetic verse?
It is old, but still helpful in understanding some things,
when it comes to matters of romance and love:

"If you love someone, set them free.
If they come back, they're yours;
if they don't, they never were."

... there is wisdom in it, for when we are holding onto someone 'too tightly'.

From what you have shared of your journey ...
You want so much for this woman to love you,
and to love you 'the way' that you love her.

Much of your love is based on 'need' ... you express your need of her.

But she does not 'need' you the same way,
and so, 'the kind' of love you share is different, not 'mutual'.

She does not break up with you because she does love you,
just not in the way you love her.

She may never want to marry you,
but that does not mean she does not love you.

She just does not love you the same way you love her.

It appears she does not have a marital-type love for you.

You cannot change her feelings of love for you.

It is hard to know what to do in these situations,
it is hard to break off from each other, as there IS love in the relationship.

... she probably likes and respects you a great deal, too.

But at some point, when the pain of the relationship becomes too much,
it will most times prove 'healthiest', for the ongoing spiritual growth of the both of you,
to go your separate ways, with God.

That void, God can and will fill in your life, your heart,
if you will go to Him with it.

God is The Heart Mender, He knows all our pains and hurts.
He can heal them.

... He is The Healer, Jehovah Rapha.

And He knows our needs in this life, too.

The Word tells us:

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."
Psalm 37:4

Trust Him, to know what you need, and to provide it.
Trust Jehovah Jireh, The Lord Who Provides.

Trust in God ... it is the answer to all our fears.

 

[therebelprophet]

But there's never been a chance for her to love me "in the same way". There's always someone else that seems to take precedent over me. Right now it's her ex. She can't get away from that relationship...or won't.



Why must my life be so complicated?

 

[therebelprophet]

Let's not focus on ending the relationship or on "moving on with my life". The two of us are joined together as if by bonds unbreakable. How do I deal with the fear? How do I see her as a person when for so long she has been merely an idea? I'm trying to "get to know her" but I have to move at HER pace, which is slooooooooow. We're like intimate strangers. We've been in each other's lives for a long time, but we don't really know each other...and there are heavily fortified walls in place that keep me from her.

God did this. Of that I am sure. But how do you reconcile your faith with a situation that blasts everything you believe? How do you "keep on keeping on" when your faith is for steak and you're getting stale oven-bread? Abraham comes to mind so many times. What kind of insane faith do you have to have to keep on trying to impregnate your wife from 75 to 99 years old? 24 years. I am essentially trying to do the same thing. Keep on loving her, don't stop, let nothing deter me from that goal. Try, try again in the face of overwhelming odds and problems that I have no idea how to conquer.

I thought this thread would generate some interest...but maybe that, like so many things in this relationship, remains to be seen...

 

[Charles L. Blackman]

But there's never been a chance for her to love me "in the same way". There's always someone else that seems to take precedent over me. Right now it's her ex. She can't get away from that relationship...or won't.



Why must my life be so complicated?

I feel for you, I really do. And I am sorry for what you are going through, but this isn't complex at all.


The reason there is always someone else taking precedent over you is because she doesn't want you, she never has, and most likely never will.


You really need some help to get straightened out, I hope you find a good minister of certified counselor that help you to come to the realization this isn't over, it never was.

I'm sorry if that sounds cold and calloused, but I have read a whole lot of what you posted and my friend, the girl doesn't want you.

I do wish you the best and hope you find the counseling you sound like you need.

 

[therebelprophet]

I feel for you, I really do. And I am sorry for what you are going through, but this isn't complex at all.


The reason there is always someone else taking precedent over you is because she doesn't want you, she never has, and most likely never will.


You really need some help to get straightened out, I hope you find a good minister of certified counselor that help you to come to the realization this isn't over, it never was.

I'm sorry if that sounds cold and calloused, but I have read a whole lot of what you posted and my friend, the girl doesn't want you.

I do wish you the best and hope you find the counseling you sound like you need.

Your own quote betrays you, Mr. Blackman.

Faith is: God said it, so it's true, no matter what I see, no matter what I think, no matter what I feel, no matter how long it's been.

He's the one in charge. He said it. Now I just need to know how to get from here to there. Thanks.

 

[Charles L. Blackman]

Your own quote betrays you, Mr. Blackman.


He's the one in charge. He said it. Now I just need to know how to get from here to there. Thanks.

Your faith cannot circumvent her will or desires. God will not move on her to make her love you, either she does, or she doesn't and from all you have written, she doesn't.

 

[zaksmummy]

I only read the title of your thread and no the in and out details, because I havent got time right now. Heres how I got over my poverty mentality. Believe the verses where Jesus says "look at the sparrows, your heavenly father loves you more and will provide for you" (my paraphrasing)

Give some money away, I dont want you to think I mean tithe and you will get rich type of stuff, but regularly give an amount that you feel comfortable with, done with a willing heart. This has been a blessing to me, I dont feel guilty that I am giving too little, and I can honestly say that God blesses the cheerful giver.

I no longer think now that I dont have any money - but that the money I have is enough to live on.

 

[therebelprophet]

Oh, it would be so EASY to just WRITE HER OFF and go find somebody else, wouldn't it?? Right! Of course it would be! So why don't I just go and DO that?? She OBVIOUSLY isn't interested and seven years or not, I'm just beating my head against the wall, right? GOD put me here!! It wasn't MY desire. I wanted someone who would ADORE me, not just be "okay with me"!! I stand in HIS shoes when this happens and people DON'T believe me when I tell them that! He wants US to ADORE Him! But we DON'T...we're just "okay" with Him.

Like, "Yeah, Jesus, thanks for the memories and all, but I really have more important things to do." And His heart BLEEDS for us!! I have been given a picture, in EXCRUCIATING detail, of the heart of Jesus for His Bride and it's the most gut-wrenching and painful collage you'll ever lay eyes on. I've LIVED it! I KNOW how He feels when we turn away from Him! I can feel HIS longing for US and HIS frustration at not being able to FREELY partake of the love that is due to Him. Jesus frustrated? Never, right? WRONG!! Go read Brennan Manning's book The Furious Longing of God and then tell me if you think I'm just making this up!

IT'S NOT ABOUT THE GIRL!! It's about HIM!! It's ALWAYS been about Him! Always...

 

[Amylisa]

Brother,
from your last post here I think I can see why you go through what you do....

cause you Are a prophet. You are living what Hosea lived, and others. There's a reason but you can't demand to know what it is at least not now.
Try to let go, inside of yourself...try to let go of your self and this girl. Not saying you have to walk away...but even if you are with her, Let Go. Do you know what I mean?

There's something at work here and as you know it is beyond you. So LET GO!!!!

 

[Deba]

Test yourself. If God asked you to give her up, could you? Or would you disobey Him?

If you think you could be pulled into disobedience, then you got a problem. You have give something more place in your life than God.