Greetings to brothers and sisters,
Having a difficult issue with my former girlfriend. We’d been together nine years this last May 11, it was what I felt an alright relationship. Then when I fully accepted Christ and the gift of the Holy Spirit she didn’t like the change in me at all. Got upset when I’d bring up the Bible and sin. I was talking about myself. I know it made her feel guilty as well, she’d been raised a catholic and went to a catholic school through high school. So she dealt with a lot of issues due to sex and what she felt about it.
I was raised in mostly nondenominational churches as I grew up. Also dealt with a long battle with the spirit of jezebel. Unwanted sexual attention at age five through seven. That started a long battle with lust once I was a teenager. Leading to first adult content on HBO and later chat rooms. As I found interaction more enjoyable then simple pictures and video. So from age 16 and on I’d battle chat and growing want for more sexual pleasures. It’s affected all of the nine relationships I’ve had with women in the real world.
I met A on a website for adults seeking other adults that enjoyed strong healthy sexual relationships. No shame or guilt, by first night we’d talked for hours lead to phone sex May of 14. Few months later she asked me to be her boyfriend, I think why not? I didn’t think would go long as I was in WI and she was in OH. My health wasn’t great at the time. Still isn’t now that’s another story. By 15 she wanted to see me but I’d just found out about the depth of my reflex sympathetic dystrophy from Mayo Clinic in the spring. I was working with new medication and that summer she wanted to visit, my grandma almost passed away. We had to put off the trip to that fall. We ended up getting together. I was her first everything. Touch, kiss and so on.
It kept going year after year, then a lot of life changed in spring of 21. My dad suddenly became very sick, after being rushed to the ER May 24th he was admitted. By June 5th mom came home and said dad had terminal liver cancer. He was gone in six weeks. Due to my own illness I hadn’t been out much during covid and A couldn’t come see me. She comes up day before dad’s funeral and suddenly we have sex right away. No comfort or holding me, nope it was sex. Most unwanted sex of my life. I felt so weird after that, it started to form cracks between the two of us.
Last year I needed help here so badly because my mom was showing early symptoms of sundowners syndrome. I am alone with her and stuck on only the lower level. When I called crying and begging for help, A said she needed to think about it. All the time planning and acting like for us it was only a technicality we weren’t married. Only if I moved to her and gave up everything of my own life.
I tried twice after that in 22 to end the relationship. First time was in person and she screamed and cried in a hotel room. I had to calm her down because I said I wanted her to be happy and that didn’t seem like she wanted to be with me. Next time was after I asked for help again and it was close to being over but she cried so bad and I felt awful I called it off within few hours.
It took God coming into my life to see how I’d used so much to fill the emptiness inside with sex, distraction, and keeping busy with stuff. It was always Jesus I needed. After the change through the gift of the Spirit, I didn’t feel the same about A and she didn’t like who I was anymore either. It ended for me June 29 and with her and I talking officially June 30th. Because she didn’t like that she wasn’t involved in my decision to give life to Christ, also that the physical part of our relationship would change.
Since it ended I confessed my cheating and lying. She would go on to admit she was never “brave enough to move.” I started to be lead by the Spirit when God spoke to me, first He said “let her be” it shifted to “let her go.”
We’d have about three more interactions after the breakup. Each one I’d see how much of my day she’d take up with texting from 4 am through the day and into the night ending with a call by 9 pm. Every time we’d also end up having phone sex and felt so convinced in the Spirit when I messed up. Felt it was, since learned how much our sex life meant a lot more to her to the point I’ve felt used in these moments. This was always my days with her, she’d call waking me up. I sleep normally around 4am till 10/11 am when I’m lucky. Due to the RSD body has hard time relaxing and sleeping, and she’d call to talk on her way to work. Asking always “did I wake you up?” She knew she did and at times couldn’t help it I’d fall asleep on her. Then she’d make me feel bad “you’re not listening” and “I will let you sleep.” We’d spend hours talking and it was about her. When I needed advice or encouragement be met with silence or “I don’t know what to say.”
Last week she texted me in middle of the night. I was in a hotel room and been on the road for six days with my mom. Having to keep the room cut in half because mom always loses items she sets down and gets mad if you try to help her. Very long story with that. I was exhausted and when A texted me I wasn’t in the mood to talk or text so I let her have it about all I was feeling and I fell asleep. Waking up to the message “I won’t reach out anymore Bradley.”
I’d been getting stronger and better yet here I was again feeling bad and guilty. I messaged back when on the road saying I was sorry. I didn’t want her to stop reaching out. The woman has been my best and only friend for nine years. Hard to give that up. She asked if she could work through this pain and hurt and be friends and keep our connection. I said I think we can. I send her some pictures on the road we talk a bit. That night we talk on the phone and I blow it again.
I’ve been going through Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend again. Great book and this time make so much more sense then it ever did before matched with the Bible. Also got Safe People and How to Have That Difficult Conversation by these gifted men. I wish I had more hours in the day to get through them.
I’m struggling because she’s reached out twice and I responded once. Because the truth is I am so much happier without A in my life. She controlled so much, I’ve dealt with controlling women a lot in life. It runs in my family from mom to my sister. Trust me should see these two fight! I’ve never been more happy being single ever. Always thought I needed someone to be made whole. I did and that is Jesus.
The struggle is that Sunday nights used be special because I’d cheer her up before she’d go back to a job she hates and has the Monday blues. I made her some stickers out of new feature on new iOS and new phone camera. I was about to send it. When I came here because needed to talk and say it out.
I don’t know if I should say to her I am done, I don’t want to have anymore contact. Or if I should simply disappear from her life. I know she’s not healthy for me, most importantly I’ve heard God say it still let her go.
I need to be a man, responsible and disciplined as the Lord has written on my heart. It feels like I’m being weak and pathetic by simply disappearing from her life. Don’t want to hurt her anymore and it feels I will do that by saying goodbye for good.
(Forgive me for lack of grammar skills as I’m not a very good writer and I don’t know if I caught every autocorrect.)
Having a difficult issue with my former girlfriend. We’d been together nine years this last May 11, it was what I felt an alright relationship. Then when I fully accepted Christ and the gift of the Holy Spirit she didn’t like the change in me at all. Got upset when I’d bring up the Bible and sin. I was talking about myself. I know it made her feel guilty as well, she’d been raised a catholic and went to a catholic school through high school. So she dealt with a lot of issues due to sex and what she felt about it.
I was raised in mostly nondenominational churches as I grew up. Also dealt with a long battle with the spirit of jezebel. Unwanted sexual attention at age five through seven. That started a long battle with lust once I was a teenager. Leading to first adult content on HBO and later chat rooms. As I found interaction more enjoyable then simple pictures and video. So from age 16 and on I’d battle chat and growing want for more sexual pleasures. It’s affected all of the nine relationships I’ve had with women in the real world.
I met A on a website for adults seeking other adults that enjoyed strong healthy sexual relationships. No shame or guilt, by first night we’d talked for hours lead to phone sex May of 14. Few months later she asked me to be her boyfriend, I think why not? I didn’t think would go long as I was in WI and she was in OH. My health wasn’t great at the time. Still isn’t now that’s another story. By 15 she wanted to see me but I’d just found out about the depth of my reflex sympathetic dystrophy from Mayo Clinic in the spring. I was working with new medication and that summer she wanted to visit, my grandma almost passed away. We had to put off the trip to that fall. We ended up getting together. I was her first everything. Touch, kiss and so on.
It kept going year after year, then a lot of life changed in spring of 21. My dad suddenly became very sick, after being rushed to the ER May 24th he was admitted. By June 5th mom came home and said dad had terminal liver cancer. He was gone in six weeks. Due to my own illness I hadn’t been out much during covid and A couldn’t come see me. She comes up day before dad’s funeral and suddenly we have sex right away. No comfort or holding me, nope it was sex. Most unwanted sex of my life. I felt so weird after that, it started to form cracks between the two of us.
Last year I needed help here so badly because my mom was showing early symptoms of sundowners syndrome. I am alone with her and stuck on only the lower level. When I called crying and begging for help, A said she needed to think about it. All the time planning and acting like for us it was only a technicality we weren’t married. Only if I moved to her and gave up everything of my own life.
I tried twice after that in 22 to end the relationship. First time was in person and she screamed and cried in a hotel room. I had to calm her down because I said I wanted her to be happy and that didn’t seem like she wanted to be with me. Next time was after I asked for help again and it was close to being over but she cried so bad and I felt awful I called it off within few hours.
It took God coming into my life to see how I’d used so much to fill the emptiness inside with sex, distraction, and keeping busy with stuff. It was always Jesus I needed. After the change through the gift of the Spirit, I didn’t feel the same about A and she didn’t like who I was anymore either. It ended for me June 29 and with her and I talking officially June 30th. Because she didn’t like that she wasn’t involved in my decision to give life to Christ, also that the physical part of our relationship would change.
Since it ended I confessed my cheating and lying. She would go on to admit she was never “brave enough to move.” I started to be lead by the Spirit when God spoke to me, first He said “let her be” it shifted to “let her go.”
We’d have about three more interactions after the breakup. Each one I’d see how much of my day she’d take up with texting from 4 am through the day and into the night ending with a call by 9 pm. Every time we’d also end up having phone sex and felt so convinced in the Spirit when I messed up. Felt it was, since learned how much our sex life meant a lot more to her to the point I’ve felt used in these moments. This was always my days with her, she’d call waking me up. I sleep normally around 4am till 10/11 am when I’m lucky. Due to the RSD body has hard time relaxing and sleeping, and she’d call to talk on her way to work. Asking always “did I wake you up?” She knew she did and at times couldn’t help it I’d fall asleep on her. Then she’d make me feel bad “you’re not listening” and “I will let you sleep.” We’d spend hours talking and it was about her. When I needed advice or encouragement be met with silence or “I don’t know what to say.”
Last week she texted me in middle of the night. I was in a hotel room and been on the road for six days with my mom. Having to keep the room cut in half because mom always loses items she sets down and gets mad if you try to help her. Very long story with that. I was exhausted and when A texted me I wasn’t in the mood to talk or text so I let her have it about all I was feeling and I fell asleep. Waking up to the message “I won’t reach out anymore Bradley.”
I’d been getting stronger and better yet here I was again feeling bad and guilty. I messaged back when on the road saying I was sorry. I didn’t want her to stop reaching out. The woman has been my best and only friend for nine years. Hard to give that up. She asked if she could work through this pain and hurt and be friends and keep our connection. I said I think we can. I send her some pictures on the road we talk a bit. That night we talk on the phone and I blow it again.
I’ve been going through Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend again. Great book and this time make so much more sense then it ever did before matched with the Bible. Also got Safe People and How to Have That Difficult Conversation by these gifted men. I wish I had more hours in the day to get through them.
I’m struggling because she’s reached out twice and I responded once. Because the truth is I am so much happier without A in my life. She controlled so much, I’ve dealt with controlling women a lot in life. It runs in my family from mom to my sister. Trust me should see these two fight! I’ve never been more happy being single ever. Always thought I needed someone to be made whole. I did and that is Jesus.
The struggle is that Sunday nights used be special because I’d cheer her up before she’d go back to a job she hates and has the Monday blues. I made her some stickers out of new feature on new iOS and new phone camera. I was about to send it. When I came here because needed to talk and say it out.
I don’t know if I should say to her I am done, I don’t want to have anymore contact. Or if I should simply disappear from her life. I know she’s not healthy for me, most importantly I’ve heard God say it still let her go.
I need to be a man, responsible and disciplined as the Lord has written on my heart. It feels like I’m being weak and pathetic by simply disappearing from her life. Don’t want to hurt her anymore and it feels I will do that by saying goodbye for good.
(Forgive me for lack of grammar skills as I’m not a very good writer and I don’t know if I caught every autocorrect.)
