- Dec 2, 2014
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For some background, I have OCD, an anxiety disorder that sometimes causes me to have obsessive thoughts about something that most people may not give much thought to. This can also cause compulsions or practices, hence the "compulsions" aspect. A common issue for Christians with OCD is "scrupulosity", where they're concerned about "accidentally blaspheming the Holy Spirit" based on a misunderstanding of Jesus' statements.
I've generally not had a lot of trouble with this type of OCD--instead I'm usually worried about dying from some disease, or having my reputation ruined by some mistake made in my past. Often it gets to the point where I can't sleep because I'm thinking about something negative for a long time, only to find after weeks of inactivity due to fear that whatever it was I was afraid of wasn't worth worrying about at all, or at least not to the degree that I was.
But recently I made the mistake of watching an old Paul Washer sermon. I say "mistake" because I thought perhaps it would be helpful, but instead it just made me anxious about my own salvation. I have some issues with certain reformed theologians and its emphasis on Hell, God's wrath, etc. I agree with most of what they say and I commend their thorough research and study of the Bible, but in this case I felt very convicted by Washer's sermon, which he spent most of the time criticizing the supposed "evangelists" who would have people say a prayer and then have them declared Christians, thus causing these supposed Christians to feel confident that they are "saved" and need to do nothing further.
Obviously, I know that a lot more goes into the Christian faith than that. But when I look at my own life I'm not confident about things like that. I think the point people like Washer want to make is that this sort of conviction should inspire a Christian to want to change. But that's not how my brain works. Instead, my OCD leaves me in an anxious state and makes me feel like I can't do much to change my "fate". Reading the Bible and trying to pray more is the kind of thing that OCD can thrive on as a "compulsion"--if I don't read a certain Bible passage or a say a certain prayer, then how do I know for sure that God doesn't consider me "unsaved" and will throw me into Hell upon my death? Not to mention the fact that it wasn't long ago that a lot of obssesssive fears that I was going to die very soon. Earlier that very same day I watched the Paul Washer sermon I had had an anxiety attack where I thought I was going to die. It passed after a few minutes, but it was very scary in the moment.
As for my actual Christian life, there's not much to say. I can't go to church due to covid. I look at inappropriate content too much and play video games way too often. I use these things to cope with the anxiety I get about other things to try and chase the worry away. But it doesn't work. I just get brief rushes of dopamine from inappropriate content and sometimes feelings of anger and frustration with video games. I know that God wants me to turn to Him, and sometimes I do. I'm trying to do better. But with very little to do, I tend to mentally stagnate. It doesn't inspire me to get closer to God, it inspires me to waste time.
Even when I talk about my pastor (right now I go to a Nazarene church, so not reformed) he has sometimes said, in as loving a way as possible, "I know you say you're trying, but I don't think you are. You don't want to do the hard things it takes to being a Christian." Well, now I'm terrified he's right and, according to his Arminian framework, I have lost my salvation, or according to the reformed framework, I was never saved to begin with despite my feeling like I was years in the past, and months ago, and even just a few days ago.
Any advice from any denomination is welcome. Please don't think I'm trying to criticize or attack reformed theology here. Like I said, there are things I like about it. I just don't know if I agree with its positions on everything, and the way that some reformed theologians and pastors (certainly not all) seem to enjoy scaring people into a relationship with God. I've listened to the sermons of some, like Tim Keller and Matt Chandler, who don't do that, as far as I know, and I've known tons of reformed people who don't think that way and value God's grace. I just kind of ran into one guy's old sermon and it made me anxious. Maybe some of that is a good thing, but I'm the kind of person who gets stressful thoughts in his head that don't go away even if other people seem to think that I do have a relationship with God.
Of course, considering that I don't go anywhere or do anything nowadays, how on Earth would anybody be able to tell that I'm a Christian? I don't tithe because I don't make money, I haven't gotten involved in my church community like I wanted to because I still feel like I'm too "different" from the rest of them, and I look at inappropriate content way too much.
The reason I'm a Christian is because God is my Father, my Savior and my Friend. He was there when no one else was there to love me or help me and loved me despite the miserable state I was in, and He still loves me despite the fact that in the 5 years I've been a Christian, I've only made some progress in trusting Him and loving Him back. I don't like the way some reformed theologians view him as this father that "has to" dole out punishments on His unruly children, even if they deserve it. I want to see God as loving, and that was fairly easy to do until this Paul Washer sermon. I trust that he's a man of God, but I don't like having to worry so much about whether or not I am, too, and I don't know how I can know for sure what God's standard is.
I've generally not had a lot of trouble with this type of OCD--instead I'm usually worried about dying from some disease, or having my reputation ruined by some mistake made in my past. Often it gets to the point where I can't sleep because I'm thinking about something negative for a long time, only to find after weeks of inactivity due to fear that whatever it was I was afraid of wasn't worth worrying about at all, or at least not to the degree that I was.
But recently I made the mistake of watching an old Paul Washer sermon. I say "mistake" because I thought perhaps it would be helpful, but instead it just made me anxious about my own salvation. I have some issues with certain reformed theologians and its emphasis on Hell, God's wrath, etc. I agree with most of what they say and I commend their thorough research and study of the Bible, but in this case I felt very convicted by Washer's sermon, which he spent most of the time criticizing the supposed "evangelists" who would have people say a prayer and then have them declared Christians, thus causing these supposed Christians to feel confident that they are "saved" and need to do nothing further.
Obviously, I know that a lot more goes into the Christian faith than that. But when I look at my own life I'm not confident about things like that. I think the point people like Washer want to make is that this sort of conviction should inspire a Christian to want to change. But that's not how my brain works. Instead, my OCD leaves me in an anxious state and makes me feel like I can't do much to change my "fate". Reading the Bible and trying to pray more is the kind of thing that OCD can thrive on as a "compulsion"--if I don't read a certain Bible passage or a say a certain prayer, then how do I know for sure that God doesn't consider me "unsaved" and will throw me into Hell upon my death? Not to mention the fact that it wasn't long ago that a lot of obssesssive fears that I was going to die very soon. Earlier that very same day I watched the Paul Washer sermon I had had an anxiety attack where I thought I was going to die. It passed after a few minutes, but it was very scary in the moment.
As for my actual Christian life, there's not much to say. I can't go to church due to covid. I look at inappropriate content too much and play video games way too often. I use these things to cope with the anxiety I get about other things to try and chase the worry away. But it doesn't work. I just get brief rushes of dopamine from inappropriate content and sometimes feelings of anger and frustration with video games. I know that God wants me to turn to Him, and sometimes I do. I'm trying to do better. But with very little to do, I tend to mentally stagnate. It doesn't inspire me to get closer to God, it inspires me to waste time.
Even when I talk about my pastor (right now I go to a Nazarene church, so not reformed) he has sometimes said, in as loving a way as possible, "I know you say you're trying, but I don't think you are. You don't want to do the hard things it takes to being a Christian." Well, now I'm terrified he's right and, according to his Arminian framework, I have lost my salvation, or according to the reformed framework, I was never saved to begin with despite my feeling like I was years in the past, and months ago, and even just a few days ago.
Any advice from any denomination is welcome. Please don't think I'm trying to criticize or attack reformed theology here. Like I said, there are things I like about it. I just don't know if I agree with its positions on everything, and the way that some reformed theologians and pastors (certainly not all) seem to enjoy scaring people into a relationship with God. I've listened to the sermons of some, like Tim Keller and Matt Chandler, who don't do that, as far as I know, and I've known tons of reformed people who don't think that way and value God's grace. I just kind of ran into one guy's old sermon and it made me anxious. Maybe some of that is a good thing, but I'm the kind of person who gets stressful thoughts in his head that don't go away even if other people seem to think that I do have a relationship with God.
Of course, considering that I don't go anywhere or do anything nowadays, how on Earth would anybody be able to tell that I'm a Christian? I don't tithe because I don't make money, I haven't gotten involved in my church community like I wanted to because I still feel like I'm too "different" from the rest of them, and I look at inappropriate content way too much.
The reason I'm a Christian is because God is my Father, my Savior and my Friend. He was there when no one else was there to love me or help me and loved me despite the miserable state I was in, and He still loves me despite the fact that in the 5 years I've been a Christian, I've only made some progress in trusting Him and loving Him back. I don't like the way some reformed theologians view him as this father that "has to" dole out punishments on His unruly children, even if they deserve it. I want to see God as loving, and that was fairly easy to do until this Paul Washer sermon. I trust that he's a man of God, but I don't like having to worry so much about whether or not I am, too, and I don't know how I can know for sure what God's standard is.
