How do I love my terrible wife?

[fishmansf]

Speaking from experience here... consider reading the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder" by Randi Kreger AND Paul T. Mason

I bet that’s going to go well when she sees it laying on the night stand . I will check that out!

 

[fishmansf]

That complicates things..

I'm not good with mental illness to be honest, my ex was diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic with anger management issues among other mental health issues during our divorce.

I only found out because he was trying to take my kids and the court appointed a guardian ad lidem to represent the children since my accounts of the marriage were wildly different than his, and since I'd never pressed charges against him for abuse all I had on my side was a bunch of hospital visits due to "accidents".. no proof.

The guardian ad lidem petitioned the court for psychiatric evaluations of all of us, and that was when we found out the abuse was based in some very serious mental health issues.

He kind of burned me, as now I freeze and have a lot of fear around those who display mental health problems, so other than running and trying to heal from its affects, I've no experience actually dealing with it.

Your best bet is to see if someone here is fairly knowledgeable in how to get her examined (whether forced or not)...

If you can't get to the bottom of it though and solve the issues, I recommend running. But that's from someone who didn't leave a situation until I was disabled for life, and myself and my children scarred for life.

It's early days yet for you though... and it sounds like you know something of mental health issues, which is a benefit. I knew nothing.. just kept trying to be "better" so that he would stop beating me up until I realized I was dead whether I stayed or left. So I chose leaving.

That rather makes me who you don't want to listen to.. lol. I'm too burned.

I’m sorry to hear of your experience, that sounds terrible.

 

[fishmansf]

Are you receiving the love of God? 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 details the love that God has for His children. If you are receiving this love from Him, then you will be able to bear that fruit God is producing for your wife to receive. The love of God is best expressed when we are being sinned against. Look at this as an opportunity to express His love to your wife through you. Grace and peace.

I agree, but love is not simply letting someone trample on you. There is a loving discipline you need to practice on people where you do not tolerate their behavior.

 

[Benam]

I bet that’s going to go well when she sees it laying on the night stand . I will check that out!

I had the same thought, which is why I listened to the audiobook instead

 

[GraceBro]

I agree, but love is not simply letting someone trample on you. There is a loving discipline you need to practice on people where you do not tolerate their behavior.

I never suggested anything of the sort.

 

[1watchman]

People keep talking about OCD, and this is certainly not that! It has more of a hysterical component that is in the area of personality disorder/neurosis, than psychotic; but may be trauma from early life like PTSD. It should get professional help, rather than schemes suggested by various spectators.

 

[KayJoy]

Thanks, Bella. I think the issue is that I am not so much of a sensitive man, rather, my father taught me there is a time to be strong and be a man and a time to be emotional. My wife’s father, albeit he was and is a great father to her, raised her nearly as a boy. Because of this, she now is a strong willed, temperamental (as he is), rough around the edges, woman. I know how offensive this might sound to any 21st century person but I still strongly believe in emotional gender roles. I believe the woman need be gentle and kind while still more rational than the man whereas the man is to be a gentle but firm leader. I believe the Bible backs this claim. However, being a strong willed woman is awesome too. You see Deborah, Ruth, Priscilla, Jael, etc.. However, when a woman’s strength leads her to rebel against her husband who is head over her as Christ is head over the Church, then there is an issue in the marriage. I don’t mean to say that the wife is subject to demands by the husband that limits her God given talent but rather, the woman is to gently respect her husband. Therefore when I warn my wife that she is going to far in the argument, she needs to stop and collect herself as do I. She goes on hurting me and and spewing things as insults to me that I trusted her with and when I tell her she has gone to far, she needs to respect me as her husband. I realize all of this is going to sound off putting but all of that to say, that I think the core issue is that she is strong willed which in itself is great and admirable, but when it leads to rebelling against your husband, then there is an issue. I get that we all are fallen creatures ans things don’t generally work in that way but there is no sign of truly biting her tongue and looking to avoid conflict. Rather, it’s as if she finds joy in disrespecting me.

I have only read this far. But if she will not stop spewing angry words once you've requested it, I think the simple statement... "I love you, hun, but this isn't going to be resolved by us yelling back and forth. I'm stepping into the other room awhile." Then calmly leave the room and go pray for her, and pray God will form you into the husband He wants you to be. (Or something similar...)
Then when things are on a more even keel, express your love in your actions. Something is missing with her. That anger is coming from some root. But as you walk this out before her in love, her heart will respond by loving you back. That's how we are with God...we love Him because He loved us first.

Wash her with the water of the Word ...I have seen this in godly men and it is a precious gift.

 

[mourningdove~]

I know for a fact that she has bipolar and OCD.

Truthfully I believe my wife is mentally ill and struggles with Bipolar, depression and OCD.

What you've said is very interesting, and changes the discussion abit.

If you truly believe your wife has bipolar disorder ... if you truly do believe that ... then it is the bipolar disorder that eventually will need to be addressed if you are wanting to have a stable, happy marriage.

Most doctors believe that bipolar disorder is a chronic condition. So, aside from a supernatural healing from God, the bipolar disorder will not just 'go away', nor is it something one can change by attempting to 'discipline' the person that is suffering with it.

And arguing and fighting with a person with bipolar disorder will also not work.
Bipolar disorder is an illness.

There is alot that can be learned about bipolar disorder via the internet, which is good because there is alot to learn about it.

And I would strongly suggest you first do some inquiring into the illness on your own (privately) to confirm this belief you have about your wife, before approaching her with the subject.

Earlier you shared that you don't believe in divorce, but at some point you may find yourself asking yourself if you really want to be married to a person with bipolar disorder ... because it takes a lot of love, and patience, and understanding to be happily married to someone living with a chronic illness like bipolar. Maybe you already have that kind of love for your wife, but, if not, God can give you that kind of love for her ... if you want it.

God is always the answer for the problems we face in life.

 

[Psalm 27]

Truthfully I believe my wife is mentally ill and struggles with Bipolar, depression and OCD.

It takes two...

 

[Psalm 27]

What you've said is very interesting, and changes the discussion abit.

If you truly believe your wife has bipolar disorder ... if you truly do believe that ... then it is the bipolar disorder that eventually will need to be addressed if you are wanting to have a stable, happy marriage.

Most doctors believe that bipolar disorder is a chronic condition. So, aside from a supernatural healing from God, the bipolar disorder will not just 'go away', nor is it something one can change by attempting to 'discipline' the person that is suffering with it.

And arguing and fighting with a person with bipolar disorder will also not work.
Bipolar disorder is an illness.

There is alot that can be learned about bipolar disorder via the internet, which is good because there is alot to learn about it.

And I would strongly suggest you first do some inquiring into the illness on your own (privately) to confirm this belief you have about your wife, before approaching her with the subject.

Earlier you shared that you don't believe in divorce, but at some point you may find yourself asking yourself if you really want to be married to a person with bipolar disorder ... because it takes a lot of love, and patience, and understanding to be happily married to someone living with a chronic illness like bipolar. Maybe you already have that kind of love for your wife, but, if not, God can give you that kind of love for her ... if you want it.

God is always the answer for the problems we face in life.

I know somebody who was supernaturally healed of bi-polar. He could hardly believe it himself!

 

[honey badger]

Maybe so ... but what it has taught me over the years is priceless to me.

Our Father teaches us by giving us an experience, seeing knowledge without understanding is neither here nor there to us ....

Better to live on a corner of the roof than to share a house with a quarrelsome wife.

Better to live in the desert than with a contentious and ill-tempered wife.

Better a dry morsel in quietness than a house full of feasting with strife.

Better a dish of vegetables where there is love than a fattened ox with hatred.

Better one handful with tranquility than two handfuls with toil and pursuit of the wind.

Better a little with the fear of the LORD than great treasure with turmoil.

Better a little with righteousness than great gain with injustice.

Every wise woman builds her house, but a foolish one tears it down with her own hands.

A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but she who causes shame is like decay in his bones.

A foolish woman is clamorous: she is simple, and knoweth nothing.

She does not consider the path of life; she does not know that her ways are unstable.

She is loud and defiant; her feet do not remain at home.

This is the way of an adulteress: She eats and wipes her mouth and says, ‘I have done nothing wrong.

Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies.

For wisdom is more precious than rubies, and nothing you desire compares with her.
’

 

[The Liturgist]

She claims to be a Christian but is the most spiteful, impatient, easily angered, and gossipy person I know.

Well, imagine how much we, the members of the church, must look to our Lord.

 

[FutureAndAHope]

I agree, but love is not simply letting someone trample on you. There is a loving discipline you need to practice on people where you do not tolerate their behavior.

I would suggest that this is the wrong approach to marriage. Discipline is reserved for children, not your wife. The behaviors that you see in your wife are most likely birthed in insecurities, and doubts about your intentions. The more you try to correct behaviors the worse it will be for you. It is putting more wood on the fire. She probably already thinks that you don't truly love and care for her. If you mark all of her faults, it reinforces the thought, that "you don't love, or trust her".

When Jesus chose us he said, "it was not that we loved God, but God loved us and gave himself for us". God did not look for perfection in us to redeem us. We should not look for perfection before "we" start loving.

As for mental health issues, I experienced 10 or more years of mental health problems, of which I am now free. God will work on the mental health of your wife. With Christians, God grants us the promise of health, and freedom as we follow Him. If your wife has any mental health issues she needs your support, in God's process of healing.

Right now your marriage is not healthy, but as you follow God, it will become healthy. You have to offer your wife grace in the process, the process of her becoming more Christ-like.

Focus on what you can do to love more, be patient more. If you can fully love your wife, she will fully love you in return. She will reflect what you show.

 

[Gregory Thompson]

I agree with you and think there is an underlying need. However, it’s a cyclical battle because she is so touchy. For example, we were going to go on a walk together and I told her I was going to run (as I’m training for a 10k) and she lost it and then when I said I’d keep walking with her she lost it EVEM MORE!

I get the sense from this that she wants to be with you and to feel that: For you to want to do things together with her because you want to do things together with her.

So say an image of walking together was in the mind, and she started looking forward to it. Then this is replaced by a new image of you running ahead, leaving her behind.

Then another image is added to the mind depicting her holding you back from what you really wanted to do.

My suggestion is to discuss how much time is spent doing things together. Things you both like doing.

 

[ForHimbyHim]

I would suggest that this is the wrong approach to marriage. Discipline is reserved for children, not your wife. The behaviors that you see in your wife are most likely birthed in insecurities, and doubts about your intentions. The more you try to correct behaviors the worse it will be for you. It is putting more wood on the fire. She probably already thinks that you don't truly love and care for her. If you mark all of her faults, it reinforces the thought, that "you don't love, or trust her".

When Jesus chose us he said, "it was not that we loved God, but God loved us and gave himself for us". God did not look for perfection in us to redeem us. We should not look for perfection before "we" start loving.

As for mental health issues, I experienced 10 or more years of mental health problems, of which I am now free. God will work on the mental health of your wife. With Christians, God grants us the promise of health, and freedom as we follow Him. If your wife has any mental health issues she needs your support, in God's process of healing.

Right now your marriage is not healthy, but as you follow God, it will become healthy. You have to offer your wife grace in the process, the process of her becoming more Christ-like.

Focus on what you can do to love more, be patient more. If you can fully love your wife, she will fully love you in return. She will reflect what you show.

I agree with this. Don't use scripture to condemn someone. Allow the Holy Spirit to do his thing. What you do need are conflict resolution skills though.

 

[Scott Husted]

Our Father teaches us by giving us an experience, seeing knowledge without understanding is neither here nor there to us ....

Better to live on a corner of the roof than to share a house with a quarrelsome wife.

Better to live in the desert than with a contentious and ill-tempered wife.

Better a dry morsel in quietness than a house full of feasting with strife.

Better a dish of vegetables where there is love than a fattened ox with hatred.

Better one handful with tranquility than two handfuls with toil and pursuit of the wind.

Better a little with the fear of the LORD than great treasure with turmoil.

Better a little with righteousness than great gain with injustice.

Every wise woman builds her house, but a foolish one tears it down with her own hands.

A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but she who causes shame is like decay in his bones.

A foolish woman is clamorous: she is simple, and knoweth nothing.

She does not consider the path of life; she does not know that her ways are unstable.

She is loud and defiant; her feet do not remain at home.

This is the way of an adulteress: She eats and wipes her mouth and says, ‘I have done nothing wrong.

Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies.

For wisdom is more precious than rubies, and nothing you desire compares with her.
’

Wine for those who are faint in the wilderness is very indictive as to what is in the cup, which is often bitter and sweet until the land is forsaken of her two kings, after a city has been divided into three parts.

 

[tturt]

After praying and asking the Lord to guide and change me, I would asks Him to let me see her as He does.

 

[NerdGirl]

Truthfully I believe my wife is mentally ill and struggles with Bipolar, depression and OCD.

Then she isn't "terrible". She's ill. If you believe she's suffering from several mental illnesses, I don't understand your rage and bitterness and blame towards her.

Something is starting to not add up here.

 

[NerdGirl]

Discipline is reserved for children, not your wife.

This.

 

[ReesePiece23]

Then she isn't "terrible". She's ill. If you believe she's suffering from several mental illnesses, I don't understand your rage and bitterness and blame towards her.

Something is starting to not add up here.

I've got to say that the thread title is really not on. I nearly called him up on it earlier, because it's a bit petulant to use an adjective like that when she's not here to have her say.

She's obviously struggling - like a lot of people at the moment, on TOP of whatever else she struggles with. Hence my zero contact suggestion.