How do I love my terrible wife?

[NerdGirl]

I've got to say that the thread title is really not on. I nearly called him up on it earlier, because it's a bit petulant to use an adjective like that when she's not here to have her say.

She's obviously struggling - like a lot of people at the moment, on TOP of whatever else she struggles with. Hence my zero contact suggestion.

Yeah, it's one thing to have a nasty, argumentative, mean wife.

It's another thing entirely to have one that's ill and needs help.

 

[JacksBratt]

I want to love my wife as Christ loves the Church, I want to have patience with her, I want to reject anger and have compassion and mercy on her and bear fruit. She claims to be a Christian but is the most spiteful, impatient, easily angered, and gossipy person I know. She intentionally attacks my insecurities to "get at me", is so easily triggered by anything I say, creates a list of grievances against me and when I go to change and fix them, she claims I am not doing anything to fix them and then rejects my attempt at fixing my issues. She will get angry and swear at me, make me the bad guys for everything that goes wrong. I will get vulnerable when she is not angry sometimes and share the weight of my sin, stressors, desires, etc. and she will lovingly listen to me, then within 30 minutes go ballistic and use all of my stressors and insecurities I just poured out to her as a weapon against me. She attempts to read her Bible but I believe just sees it as a chore. I have told her countless times about how easily she is angered and asked her where her fruit is and telling her that she cannot behave like this and needs to stop now (to which I received major anger, to be honest, probably rightfully so) to which she goes ballistic and paints me as a legalist. I hope and pray daily that one day, she will stumble across Proverbs 31 and realize that she is NOT the Proverbs 31 wife and I pray that she reads Proverbs 25:24 and realizes she is that woman then turns to the Gospel, changes her ways, and finds mercy and grace in God's presence. I pray that every day nearly. I am with my faults too. Sometimes these things are because of ways I react to her going ballistic but this woman is the most spiteful and contentuous woman I know. The worst part? Within a few hours she is back to her sweet self and apologizes, just to return right back to her vomit so to speak the next day. Jesus said that he who is angry with his brother has already commit murder in his own heart. This woman brings me to anger every time we fight (which is nearly every day). I don't believe in divorce otherwise I would be long gone, I want to bear fruit and have mercy on her but I cannot find it in my heart. She is slowly pushing me away and killing my fruit. How do I love my wife who is so terrible to me? I have prayed time and time again to no avail. I feel nearly hopeless at this point and we haven't even been married a year. I know there will be plenty of "well if you knew this you shouldn't have married her" but this new behavior is entirely new to marriage. Please pray and give me guidance brothers and sisters.

I really feel for you..

Check out this website.. It deals with all kinds of personality disorders.. Your wife will, no doubt, fit in one of the categories..

Out of the FOG - Index

 

[Sparagmos]

She would NVER see a psychiatrist. I know for a fact that she has bipolar and OCD. She’s undiagnosed but her violent mood swings, disagreeable attitudes, etc all point to that. The issue is she is the most prideful human being I know and she would never see one (as I have suggested in the past)

This is really big. If your wife was bleeding profusely from the head and refused to go to the hospital, you wouldn’t just let her bleed, right? Do whatever it takes to get her medical care. She likely needs meds. Maybe a family intervention would work?

 

[Wolseley]

She would NVER see a psychiatrist. I know for a fact that she has bipolar and OCD. She’s undiagnosed but her violent mood swings, disagreeable attitudes, etc all point to that. The issue is she is the most prideful human being I know and she would never see one (as I have suggested in the past)

I'm not necessarily suggesting a psychiatrist. It could come to that, but any competent medical doctor can check for hormone imbalances, thyroid problems, etc. Maybe you could switch insurance companies, or something, and tell her that you both need complete physicals for the company to accept you, then pigeonhole the doctor privately and let him/her know about your suspicions and request the appropriate tests.

I'm just spitballing here. It would be a hassle, yes, but is it worth the hassle to find a solution to your present hassle, is what you have to ask yourself. Here's another thing to bear in mind: if her condition is continuing to deteriorate, and she becomes more violent, how far might she go? If you do something that really sends her over the edge, is it possible that she might come after you with a butcher knife? Are you willing to risk your life because you're reluctant to suggest that she get help? If you are, it may be time to leave.

There are no easy solutions here. I'm just throwing stuff out there for you to think about that may help you in your choices. I feel for you.

Truthfully I believe my wife is mentally ill and struggles with Bipolar, depression and OCD.

I think you're probably right.

He kind of burned me, as now I freeze and have a lot of fear around those who display mental health problems, so other than running and trying to heal from its affects, I've no experience actually dealing with it.

Classic PTSD. Hypervigilance, paranoia, and reaction to uncomfortable stimuli. This, I know about; I've had PTSD from my military experiences for 40 years.

Our Father teaches us by giving us an experience, seeing knowledge without understanding is neither here nor there to us ....

Better to live on a corner of the roof than to share a house with a quarrelsome wife.

Better to live in the desert than with a contentious and ill-tempered wife.

Better a dry morsel in quietness than a house full of feasting with strife.

Better a dish of vegetables where there is love than a fattened ox with hatred.

Better one handful with tranquility than two handfuls with toil and pursuit of the wind.

Better a little with the fear of the LORD than great treasure with turmoil.

Better a little with righteousness than great gain with injustice.

Every wise woman builds her house, but a foolish one tears it down with her own hands.

A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but she who causes shame is like decay in his bones.

A foolish woman is clamorous: she is simple, and knoweth nothing.

She does not consider the path of life; she does not know that her ways are unstable.

She is loud and defiant; her feet do not remain at home.

This is the way of an adulteress: She eats and wipes her mouth and says, ‘I have done nothing wrong.

Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies.

For wisdom is more precious than rubies, and nothing you desire compares with her.
’

Old King Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines, so he certainly should know.

Wine for those who are faint in the wilderness is very indictive as to what is in the cup, which is often bitter and sweet until the land is forsaken of her two kings, after a city has been divided into three parts.

 

[Hazelelponi]

Classic PTSD. Hypervigilance, paranoia, and reaction to uncomfortable stimuli. This, I know about; I've had PTSD from my military experiences for 40 years.

Yep! Absolutely correct...

 

[honey badger]

Wine for those who are faint in the wilderness is very indictive as to what is in the cup, which is often bitter and sweet until the land is forsaken of her two kings, after a city has been divided into three parts.

i was with you until this part "after a city has been divided into three parts" which i gather from they way you wrote comes before we learn to keep the law and i believe you are referencing the three rivers that came out of Eden which are summed up as a fourth, which relates to the law of our mother and the marrying of the daughters of Canaan as in the daughters of men so as to keep within the context of the thread, albeit i know it is all one context, especially for you ...

please continue ...

 

[seeking.IAM]

People keep talking about OCD, and this is certainly not that! It has more of a hysterical component that is in the area of personality disorder/neurosis, than psychotic; but may be trauma from early life like PTSD. It should get professional help, rather than schemes suggested by various spectators.

Of course, 1watchman, you and I both know it is always a risky proposition to diagnose someone through another's eyes and report, or to diagnose a person we have not met and evaluated for ourselves. There is always another side to the story.

 

[nolidad]

I want to love my wife as Christ loves the Church, I want to have patience with her, I want to reject anger and have compassion and mercy on her and bear fruit. She claims to be a Christian but is the most spiteful, impatient, easily angered, and gossipy person I know. She intentionally attacks my insecurities to "get at me", is so easily triggered by anything I say, creates a list of grievances against me and when I go to change and fix them, she claims I am not doing anything to fix them and then rejects my attempt at fixing my issues. She will get angry and swear at me, make me the bad guys for everything that goes wrong. I will get vulnerable when she is not angry sometimes and share the weight of my sin, stressors, desires, etc. and she will lovingly listen to me, then within 30 minutes go ballistic and use all of my stressors and insecurities I just poured out to her as a weapon against me. She attempts to read her Bible but I believe just sees it as a chore. I have told her countless times about how easily she is angered and asked her where her fruit is and telling her that she cannot behave like this and needs to stop now (to which I received major anger, to be honest, probably rightfully so) to which she goes ballistic and paints me as a legalist. I hope and pray daily that one day, she will stumble across Proverbs 31 and realize that she is NOT the Proverbs 31 wife and I pray that she reads Proverbs 25:24 and realizes she is that woman then turns to the Gospel, changes her ways, and finds mercy and grace in God's presence. I pray that every day nearly. I am with my faults too. Sometimes these things are because of ways I react to her going ballistic but this woman is the most spiteful and contentuous woman I know. The worst part? Within a few hours she is back to her sweet self and apologizes, just to return right back to her vomit so to speak the next day. Jesus said that he who is angry with his brother has already commit murder in his own heart. This woman brings me to anger every time we fight (which is nearly every day). I don't believe in divorce otherwise I would be long gone, I want to bear fruit and have mercy on her but I cannot find it in my heart. She is slowly pushing me away and killing my fruit. How do I love my wife who is so terrible to me? I have prayed time and time again to no avail. I feel nearly hopeless at this point and we haven't even been married a year. I know there will be plenty of "well if you knew this you shouldn't have married her" but this new behavior is entirely new to marriage. Please pray and give me guidance brothers and sisters.

4 steps.

1. Pray
2. Pray some more.
3 Pray even more
4. then keep on praying.

Gods love can only be demonstrated by gods Power. Once you learn to die and get out of the way- you can.

Remember love is first an act of the will and not emotion. YOu can feel angry harsh etc. towards her, and still love her completely!

 

[ReesePiece23]

Yeah, it's one thing to have a nasty, argumentative, mean wife.

It's another thing entirely to have one that's ill and needs help.

Agreed. Completely.

Look after your wife OP. Ask yourself whether your feelings matter THIS time. As someone who hasn't always had perfect mental health themselves, I can assure you that her outbursts are a reflection of her OWN self image. They're probably nothing to do with you.

If you give up on her, you'll never forgive yourself. So get in there and throw everything at the wall and see what sticks - she'll thank you for it later in a BIG way when she's on the mend.

Trust me on this. I say a lot of daft things on this forum, but I also DO talk some sense. (Occasionally).

 

[Psalm 27]

Then she isn't "terrible". She's ill. If you believe she's suffering from several mental illnesses, I don't understand your rage and bitterness and blame towards her.

Something is starting to not add up here.

Yes, and maybe there’s a touch of projecting too. She is obviously angry about something. :l

 

[NerdGirl]

Classic PTSD. Hypervigilance, paranoia, and reaction to uncomfortable stimuli. This, I know about; I've had PTSD from my military experiences for 40 years.

I'm the same way around angry or violent people. Just a voice raised in anger or a door being slammed is enough to send my heartrate through the roof and leave me quaking like a leaf. Thanks, traumatic childhood!

 

[Macchiato]

Women can be abusers too. Sounds like emotional and verbal abuse to me. Very sad

It is. Also sounds like she may have bpd or bipolar.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

I agree with you and think there is an underlying need. However, it’s a cyclical battle because she is so touchy. For example, we were going to go on a walk together and I told her I was going to run (as I’m training for a 10k) and she lost it and then when I said I’d keep walking with her she lost it EVEM MORE!

So you were walking with her, announced that you were going to run, and she got upset...?

I mean... That’s not an irrational reaction...

 

[NerdGirl]

I also wonder exactly what is entailed in "she lost it". What does that mean? She started screaming and punching you?

 

[Richard T]

I read through many of the excellent threads but hopefully this might hit a gap or two that might have been unmentioned. You need to find God as your refuge during the worst times with your wife. Somehow get to the place where he is your shield, your protector, because without this you are going to stay hurt. Secondly, it is time to go on the offense spiritually and contend for your wife in the court of heaven. I would consider fasting periodically with the sole purpose of getting you into a position where you can start believing and speaking better things for your wife. In other words, you are going to have to believe God for a Prov 31 woman by faith. You are going to have to match your confession with new found faith that can only come from spending time with God. This is not easy as you may not see results immediately, but you have to believe for her first. Lastly, I pray you have the wisdom of God, to learn strategies to deal with whatever adversity you face. That you would have mountain moving faith, to help remove whatever obstacles there are for her to grow in God to the woman that God intended.

I also suggest you start looking to help others more. I know that sounds counter-intuitive, given your problems, but "give and it shall be given to you," is more than just financial, you need to sow into lives and in doing so it will help you reap a harvest in yours.

Lastly, as others have mentioned to some extent medical professionals, your first talk should be with her family physician. Likely, she trusts them more and is liable to listen to them more than anyone else. God bless.

 

[SANTOSO]

Brother,
Despite what you have said about your wife to be the most spiteful, impatient, easily angered, and gossipy person, you must forgive her and say no more about her bad nature. Why ?

You are already married and you are one. You must not allow the demons talk bad about your wife or yourself; for the demons schemes to create breaches and put both of you in the valley.

I understand what you are going through; when you try to understand your world or her world, you only try to understand from mental and natural perspective.

You must understand how the Lord help you and your wife out of distress!

Hear this :
It is the Spirit who gives life; THE FLESH IS NO HELP AT ALL. The WORDS that I HAVE SPOKEN to you are SPIRIT and life. -John 6:63

you must understand the Lord is trying to help you through His words that He has spoken and that His words are SPIRIT !

Therefore, you need SPIRITUAL PERSPECTIVES that comes from His words, not the mental and physical perspective.

All this time you and your wife has relied on the mental and physical perspective, you have found it NO HELP AT ALL ; you have relied on your strength but to no avail.

Why not relied on the Lord’s strength ?

This is what we have heard:
The LORD sits enthroned over the flood; the LORD sits enthroned as king forever. -Psalms 29:10
May the LORD GIVE STRENGTH TO HIS PEOPLE! May the LORD BLESS HIS PEOPLE WITH PEACE! -Psalms 29:11

You must understand as the Lord’s people, we can receive the Lord’s strength !

How can we get relief when we are distressed because of our wives ?

Let us learn from David’s cried to the Lord:

My eyes are ever toward the LORD, for He will pluck my feet out of the net.
Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart are enlarged; bring me out of my distresses.
Consider my affliction and my trouble, and forgive all my sins.
Amen

We will find out that David’s eyes are on the Lord and he believe the Lord will pluck his feet from the snares of the wicked accusers, that is, not your wife but the voices inside your wife’s mind that tell her to accuse you and hurt you !

As we have heard :
For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. -Ephesians 6:12

How shall we understand the Lord’s grace that He gives to David ?

This is what we have heard:
Many are the sorrows of the wicked, but STEADFAST LOVE SURROUNDS THE ONE WHO TRUSTS IN THE LORD. -Psalms 32:10

So you must trust in the steadfast love of the Lord, then the manifestation of His love will surround you!

Why you pray to no avail ? Because you have not understood the conditions that the Lord have said:

Behold, the LORD's hand is not shortened, that it cannot save, or his ear dull, that it cannot hear; -Isaiah 59:1
but YOUR INIQUITIES HAVE MADE A SEPARATION between you and your God, and YOUR SINS HAVE HIDDEN his face from you so that HE DOES NOT HEAR. -Isaiah 59:2

If you want the Lord to hear your prayer, you need to forgive your wife.

I know it is difficult. Why ? Because you don’t have the strength to forgive. Why you don’t have the strength to forgive ?

You have wandered away from the commandment of the Lord.

This is what we have heard:
And he said to him, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.
This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments DEPEND all the Law and the Prophets." -Matthew 22:37-40

If you have not told God your love for His covenant of love; if you have not been thankful to Him for His love at the cross ; if you have not blessed Him for His love in Christ; if you have not shown your love for His holy and fearsome name ; if you have not found delight in His fountain of love; if you have not rally His Banner of love; if you have not praised His love for His faithfulness; if you have not worship His love in truth and spirit; if you have not honored His love.

What I am trying to say is that your capacity to love and show mercy to your wife, it DEPENDS on how much you have loved the Lord !

Unless you rely on the Lord or abide in Him, you can do nothing !

Unless you rely on the Lord’s strength of His love, you can do nothing !

That is why the Lord have spoken:
If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love. -John 15:10
These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that YOUR JOY MAY BE FULL. -John 15:11

If you want your joy to be full in loving your wife, as Christ loves the church; you need to abide in the Lord’s words, that is,Spirit and the Spirit gives you this life of love in Christ Jesus, and when you are filled with overflow with His love; surely even the hate of Saul the prosecutor of the church can be turned to love towards Christ Jesus the Lord.

as apostle Paul have spoken:
and BE FOUND in him, NOT HAVING a RIGHTEOUSNESS of MY OWN that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith' - Philippians 3:9

you need to be constantly be found in Christ Jesus, and not having a righteousness of your own;

what I mean is that in the chaos and strife with wife, many actually have sinned because of this self righteousness !

Even if you are right or your wife is right, don’t each of you put a wallof hostility toward one another in those cold quietness and stare.

If you want to break these wall of hostility and together be found in peace, meditate the Lord’s words and live victoriously in prayer.

You cannot allow your suffering with your wife is absorbed you so much, that you fail to see what the goodness of the Lord God the Father has provided in Christ Jesus His Son.

Why living victoriously in prayer ?

This is what we have heard:
And Jesus answered them, "Have faith in God.
Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this MOUNTAIN, 'Be taken up and thrown into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will come to pass, IT WILL BE DONE FOR HIM.
Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and IT WILL BE YOURS.
And whenever you stand praying, FORGIVE, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses." -Mark 11:22-25

So if you want to remove this mountain of troubles in your marriage; if you desire this mountain to be moved ; if you desire to receive what you ask in prayer; forgive your wife ; as the Lord have spoken : it will be done for you and it will be yours.

That is why it is important to live in prayer and this new life in Christ is victorious.

This is the exhortation that we have heard :
Put on ( the new nature ) then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, -Colossians 3:12
BEARING WITH ONE ANOTHER and, IF one HAS a COMPLAINT against another, FORGIVING EACH OTHER; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. -Colossians 3:13

May God the Father reconcile you and your wife through Christ Jesus.

All this is from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation:
that God was reconciling the world to Himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them.
And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.-2 Corinthians 5:19

To God be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus from generation to generation. forever and ever. Amen

 

[Petros2015]

I know somebody who was supernaturally healed of bi-polar. He could hardly believe it himself!

lol. But did the people living with him believe it? That's the question.

 

[Petros2015]

She would NVER see a psychiatrist. I know for a fact that she has bipolar and OCD. She’s undiagnosed but her violent mood swings, disagreeable attitudes, etc all point to that. The issue is she is the most prideful human being I know and she would never see one (as I have suggested in the past)

Yes, mine opposed seeing one violently.
Even suggesting that meds might need to be adjusted was hammered.
I was accused of a lot of the things that were being done to me.
Arguments started out of nowhere and wouldn't end and kept being
revisited
Then I got angry from all the abuse and craziness and left about 4 months ago
Then she got the picture.
Then she sought help.
Then meds got adjusted.
(there were about 2 or 3 more breakups in between there)
Then she was angry with me because I thought she was the most prideful inconsiderate human being I knew and didn't realize she was just sick and needed help lol. Well, after someone slips into this over the course of a year understanding what their character is isn't easy - you've been living in a gaslit funhouse.
It didn't happen all at once; it was like once every 3 months
(which was OK)
And then once every month
(Covid lockdown starts about here uhoh... I'm sure THAT'll make things better lol)
And then once every 2 weeks
And then once every week
I was really done with her by the time I left and didn't care what happened.
The time apart has help me to identify and work on my own issues
I'm still working on them
We are still working on being together
And both working on growing our spiritual lives
(there were about 2 or 3 more breakups in between there)
It's been a real roller coaster for both of us
It probably still will be for a while
With God all things are possible
Without God, no thing is possible
My advice is do not try to live with someone who has unmedicated BiPolar
Or someone who has medicated BiPolar but you feel is clearly showing signs
that they need the medication adjusted
But being very resistant to doing so
Only a crazy person would do that

 

[Scott Husted]

i was with you until this part "after a city has been divided into three parts" which i gather from they way you wrote comes before we learn to keep the law and i believe you are referencing the three rivers that came out of Eden which are summed up as a fourth, which relates to the law of our mother and the marrying of the daughters of Canaan as in the daughters of men so as to keep within the context of the thread, albeit i know it is all one context, especially for you ...

please continue ...

Tribulation refines and defines our soul for us ...

Three (as you already know) from the beginning of the book until the end of the book, in all its different forms depicts our soul along with its perception and the progression of it no matter whether this is to a gathering or scattering of self in relationship to our father, mother, brother, husband, garden, land, city etc. even in how we view others, which in turn a/effects our walking out of this truth we have been called to.

The heavenly Jerusalem is proceeded by a city divided into three parts ...

 

[honey badger]

Tribulation refines and defines our soul for us ...

Three (as you already know) from the beginning of the book until the end of the book, in all its different forms depicts our soul along with its perception and the progression of it no matter whether this is to a gathering or scattering of self in relationship to our father, mother, brother, husband, garden, land, city etc. even in how we view others, which in turn a/effects our walking out of this truth we have been called to.

The heavenly Jerusalem is proceeded by a city divided into three parts ...

The great city was split into three parts, and the cities of the nations collapsed. And God remembered Babylon the great and gave her the cup of the wine of the fury of His wrath.

thanks