This sums up my feelings exactly!! I feel crazy defending god when I've been in a hotel for 3 years, got kicked out of school for financial reasons, can't get a job,,,and more... I feel like a fool...especially when people who don't pray get blessed or even Christians are blessed out of their mind,,, while I have nightmares...I don't understand it.. I'm glad you're still going but I feel too confused to go on.. I feel like I'm being played. I just don't know if my efforts are worth anything, I doubt ill go to heaven,..I strongly believe god just doesn't like me as a person or else all of this wouldn't happen..something good would happen more than once.
Likely, you are on "spiritual autopilot," similar to what I think I am in now. Sure, I may still defend Him. Sure, I still [try to] obey His commandments. I may even give thanks to Him for things. But, that is my absolute
basal function . I don't have the joy, excitement, hope, and even trust that comes with someone who allegedly has the Holy Spirit, and is a child of God.
Even though I acknowledge I have a lot of insight and intelligence on Him and His word, I feel sometimes that is all it is - intelligence. My own axienty begins to question whether I am actually a child of God, or if I am just a heathen that knows a bunch about Him. I am a mathematician, so I have seen His work clearly, and I feel like I have seen proof of Him.
Yet, I can't reconcile a relationship with Him like the people of the bible. And, I asked Him for exactly that when I became born again: "God, please give me the saving faith and strength you gave your saints to allow them to endure even until the end..."
The optimist in me would say, "these trials ARE building that faith." Perhaps... But, then why don't I see the results? I am asking the same questions I asked 15 years ago. I am still in a similar space now. So, where exactly is the "return" going.
The answer often given, which I am OK with, is that it is stored in heaven. Fine.
But, the biblical heroes did receive
something that kept them going more than base. John the Baptist was in the presence of God from the womb, and even had his faith eventually rewarded by actually baptising Christ. He was also a prophet.
David, as a young man, slayed a 9ft champion beast that even Saul and his army were afraid of. David became king, had plenty of children, and wives.
Solomon was David's son, and was considered [one of] the wisest Kings of Israel. God made him the literal "lord of the rings," endowing him with rings that would control demons in building for him.
Noah was the great grandson of Enoch. Almost enough said.
Et. Cetera.
And, though these people may have fallen from "earthly glory,"
at least they had it once! At least they got a taste of what the rewards would be like, and they could reminisce on it with a confidence that God the Restorer would restore them somehow. David''s Psalms spell this out.
The problem I have is for those of us who have never tasted any type of reward - nowhere near the level of the biblical heroes - what does that mean for me?
Am I just another disposable sack of atoms... a drop in an huge pond of people He has to deal with? Clearly, God does know who will do what, and who will be what before they are existent.
And, it sounds so nice to say, "store your treasures in heaven," or, "God knows your heart and needs...," but it doesn't really help especially after hearing the same things for decades.
So, it is like I am trapped essentially: don't want to go to hell, but I don't want to live miserably on a hopeful WHIM that God will acknowledge me. There is so much to suggest heaven is nowhere near as accessible as people think.
It is very confusing, frustrating and downright scary. Why do I have to go through decades of trials for a simple "yes, or no" answer, for example? Why can't I have the density of Providence to do exploits for Him like we are supposed to, instead of constantly being worn down by silence in my spirit, and noise in the world?!
I don't know about you, but for me it kind of sucks because I have insomnia (from university,) and sometimes I have nothing to do but to think. It comes down to me not understanding. And, while I don't necessarily want to know His plan, I would like to know I am part of His plan
to be with Him - just being told I am a part of His plan means little without the bolder clause because ALL OF US are part of His plan.
I want to be a part of His plan for ME to be with HIM - that is what it comes down to.
The only other positive I can think about is He says the first is last, and last is first. Maybe He knows we can handle it, and that we can be "left alone" while He goes and attends to others who may be worse off than us. Maybe He allows people who are His to suffer with no explanation because He knows that even if we rant and rave, we will still go on "spiritual autopilot" at the least. So, again, He can focus on, for example, bringing a practicing warlock out of the demonic practice and bring them to Christ (although, I have to admit that the fact that God seems to save aND build up satanists, witches, warlocks - people who categorically hate Him - upset me greatly. Some of these people get close to Him than those of us who have been around the majority of the time!)
But then, I remember the prodigal son, and the son that was upset with everyone for having a party for this derelict sibling - when the good son had been there the whole time and received nothing like that.
It is seemingly a mess overall.