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How do I forget about God...i dont think i want to be a christian anymore

Discussion in 'Anxiety, Panic & Agoraphobia' started by Far Side Of the Moon, Dec 14, 2016.

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  1. Far Side Of the Moon

    Far Side Of the Moon " The moon is high& the stars are aligned" :)

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    What are c& e forums? I reel I'm depleted because I can't understand why what happened to me happened...and because of my mind(rumination) it can't let it go...I've prayed to let it go... That coupled with everything I said above,,,just being stagnant despite my efforts don't help either...I'm tired of trying , tired of having nightmares.. Just tired of trying to figure out if god is good but misunderstood or just bad and playing a sick game..,in tired of trying go figure it out.,,but my mind won't let it go..,because I keep getting triggered.
     
  2. Aryeh

    Aryeh Well-Known Member

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    I feel similarly, and I understand. I am sometimes reluctant try with Him also, considering everything. It can be especially hard when our own people are infighting. Then, there are just regular human interactions... it is just too much sometimes.

    I also feel stupid sometimes for "defending" Him (I know He doesn't need it) because it is like,
    "Hey, I am on the spirital front lines here: ive been abused in every way possible, lost friends, family, my own people think I am a devil for my beliefs, and on top of it all I sometimes don't even have anything to eat. How about tossing me a bone, bottle of water, or something?!"

    And, what I dislike is I may get "something" from Him, but we both know it is "just enough" to keep me going.

    It would be roses if I was certain I am going to get to be with Him - rewarded - for all of this. I don't want to just "keep going," I actually want to be ecstatic doing this - even through trials. But, often I don't have the security of believing anything I am doing matters. Yet, I still try.

    It is very uncertain at times, especiay considering there are actual "decent" Christians that have food, a house, transportstion, family, friends jobs, etc. Sure, they may have bee through something as we all have, but the sustainable of their condition is what can be discouraging. For those of us that started with nothing, still have nothing and continue to be for Him, it can be extremely discouraging.

    Unfortuntely, help as needed in the form of other Christians is peppered around the world.
     
  3. Aryeh

    Aryeh Well-Known Member

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    I feel similarly, and I understand. I am sometimes reluctant try with Him also, considering everything. It can be especially hard when our own people are infighting. Then, there are just regular human interactions... it is just too much sometimes.

    I also feel stupid sometimes for "defending" Him (I know He doesn't need it) because it is like,
    "Hey, I am on the spirital front lines here: ive been abused in every way possible, lost friends, family, my own people think I am a devil for my beliefs, and on top of it all I sometimes don't even have anything to eat. How about tossing me a bone, bottle of water, or something?!"

    And, what I dislike is I may get "something" from Him, but we both know it is "just enough" to keep me going.

    It would be roses if I was certain I am going to get to be with Him - rewarded - for all of this. I don't want to just "keep going," I actually want to be ecstatic doing this - even through trials. But, often I don't have the security of believing anything I am doing matters. Yet, I still try.

    It is very uncertain at times, especiay considering there are actual "decent" Christians that have food, a house, transportstion, family, friends jobs, etc. Sure, they may have bee through something as we all have, but the sustainable of their condition is what can be discouraging. For those of us that started with nothing, still have nothing and continue to be for Him, it can be extremely discouraging.

    Unfortuntely, help as needed in the form of other Christians is peppered around the world.

    What do you mean by triggered, and are you familiar with the triggers so that you are cognizant of them when it happens (i.e. before you exploit the feeling in belief or action)?
     
  4. Aryeh

    Aryeh Well-Known Member

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  5. Aryeh

    Aryeh Well-Known Member

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  6. Far Side Of the Moon

    Far Side Of the Moon " The moon is high& the stars are aligned" :)

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    This sums up my feelings exactly!! I feel crazy defending god when I've been in a hotel for 3 years, got kicked out of school for financial reasons, can't get a job,,,and more... I feel like a fool...especially when people who don't pray get blessed or even Christians are blessed out of their mind,,, while I have nightmares...I don't understand it.. I'm glad you're still going but I feel too confused to go on.. I feel like I'm being played. I just don't know if my efforts are worth anything, I doubt ill go to heaven,..I strongly believe god just doesn't like me as a person or else all of this wouldn't happen..something good would happen more than once.
     
  7. Aryeh

    Aryeh Well-Known Member

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    Likely, you are on "spiritual autopilot," similar to what I think I am in now. Sure, I may still defend Him. Sure, I still [try to] obey His commandments. I may even give thanks to Him for things. But, that is my absolute basal function . I don't have the joy, excitement, hope, and even trust that comes with someone who allegedly has the Holy Spirit, and is a child of God.

    Even though I acknowledge I have a lot of insight and intelligence on Him and His word, I feel sometimes that is all it is - intelligence. My own axienty begins to question whether I am actually a child of God, or if I am just a heathen that knows a bunch about Him. I am a mathematician, so I have seen His work clearly, and I feel like I have seen proof of Him.

    Yet, I can't reconcile a relationship with Him like the people of the bible. And, I asked Him for exactly that when I became born again: "God, please give me the saving faith and strength you gave your saints to allow them to endure even until the end..."

    The optimist in me would say, "these trials ARE building that faith." Perhaps... But, then why don't I see the results? I am asking the same questions I asked 15 years ago. I am still in a similar space now. So, where exactly is the "return" going.

    The answer often given, which I am OK with, is that it is stored in heaven. Fine.

    But, the biblical heroes did receive something that kept them going more than base. John the Baptist was in the presence of God from the womb, and even had his faith eventually rewarded by actually baptising Christ. He was also a prophet.

    David, as a young man, slayed a 9ft champion beast that even Saul and his army were afraid of. David became king, had plenty of children, and wives.

    Solomon was David's son, and was considered [one of] the wisest Kings of Israel. God made him the literal "lord of the rings," endowing him with rings that would control demons in building for him.

    Noah was the great grandson of Enoch. Almost enough said.

    Et. Cetera.


    And, though these people may have fallen from "earthly glory," at least they had it once! At least they got a taste of what the rewards would be like, and they could reminisce on it with a confidence that God the Restorer would restore them somehow. David''s Psalms spell this out.

    The problem I have is for those of us who have never tasted any type of reward - nowhere near the level of the biblical heroes - what does that mean for me?

    Am I just another disposable sack of atoms... a drop in an huge pond of people He has to deal with? Clearly, God does know who will do what, and who will be what before they are existent.

    And, it sounds so nice to say, "store your treasures in heaven," or, "God knows your heart and needs...," but it doesn't really help especially after hearing the same things for decades.

    So, it is like I am trapped essentially: don't want to go to hell, but I don't want to live miserably on a hopeful WHIM that God will acknowledge me. There is so much to suggest heaven is nowhere near as accessible as people think.

    It is very confusing, frustrating and downright scary. Why do I have to go through decades of trials for a simple "yes, or no" answer, for example? Why can't I have the density of Providence to do exploits for Him like we are supposed to, instead of constantly being worn down by silence in my spirit, and noise in the world?!

    I don't know about you, but for me it kind of sucks because I have insomnia (from university,) and sometimes I have nothing to do but to think. It comes down to me not understanding. And, while I don't necessarily want to know His plan, I would like to know I am part of His plan to be with Him - just being told I am a part of His plan means little without the bolder clause because ALL OF US are part of His plan.

    I want to be a part of His plan for ME to be with HIM - that is what it comes down to.


    The only other positive I can think about is He says the first is last, and last is first. Maybe He knows we can handle it, and that we can be "left alone" while He goes and attends to others who may be worse off than us. Maybe He allows people who are His to suffer with no explanation because He knows that even if we rant and rave, we will still go on "spiritual autopilot" at the least. So, again, He can focus on, for example, bringing a practicing warlock out of the demonic practice and bring them to Christ (although, I have to admit that the fact that God seems to save aND build up satanists, witches, warlocks - people who categorically hate Him - upset me greatly. Some of these people get close to Him than those of us who have been around the majority of the time!)

    But then, I remember the prodigal son, and the son that was upset with everyone for having a party for this derelict sibling - when the good son had been there the whole time and received nothing like that.

    It is seemingly a mess overall.
     
  8. Aryeh

    Aryeh Well-Known Member

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    Far Side, somethingthat DOES make me think God cares, though, is Isaiah 1:18. In verses 1-17, He gives a seemingly railing accusation against us. Then, all of that collapses (mercy/grace) and - and this is key - the God of gods actually all but BEGS us to come to Him. "Come now, let us reason together..."

    Maybe your frustration, similar to mine, is that you KNOW His promises. You know the capability of His mercy and grace. You know the depth of His forgiveness.

    And yet, it still feels empty and alone - especially when you consider what He has done for others.

    Again, optimism says that maybe we will be OK with less attention from Him, and He knows this and wants us to know this. Like Christ said, He came to heal the spiritually ill; those who are already well don't need treatment. I don't mean this in arrogance, but simply the trials that have made us unwittingly stronger, coupled with a seemingly prolonged sense of silence from God is something God thinks we can afford to go through. This way, He delivers His utmost attention to souls that truly need it - and urgently so - like satanists, dissolutioned persons who think they are spiritually fine, and so on.

    This is what I reconcile with myself when these issues come up.


    How are you doing so far?
     
  9. Far Side Of the Moon

    Far Side Of the Moon " The moon is high& the stars are aligned" :)

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    You summed up my thoughts so thoroughly and perfectly...I have insomnia sometimes and I'm up with these thoughts too. I also wonder if I'm apart of gods plan to be with him in heaven or just for him to dispose and show his glory of destruction or whatever...it's very troublesome to think about.... Someone who was very mean to me enjoys a close knit relationship with god and it seems like god doesn't care how they treated me as. They keeps getting blessed and what not....and I'm just wondering why...why everything...why save me just to leave me at a hard spot in life. Where you're silent and have to figure things out on my own.... Why does he say , ill never leave you when I don't feel him with me through this ,or through my anxiety and depression....I still feel I'm being played..or punished...
     
  10. kodadog1024

    kodadog1024 Well-Known Member

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    You're not being played. God isn't a "Genie" He answers us on His own time, with His own way. Whether it's a "subtle" nudge or a burning bush. He doesn't "owe" us anything. I too was tormented for well over a year and in my deepest, most darkest times, filled with unspeakable horrible intrusive thoughts, that pounded me day and night, 24/7 to the point where I wanted nothing more than to die, (and in my mind), He was not there. Not when I cried myself to sleep night after night, was so sick to my stomach that I never wanted to eat and nearly departed from my wife and three kids because I was so depressed I couldn't deal with anything. Where was He? At points I knew this was His plan for me, to be destined for Hell because He wanted me to be a monster because of my thoughts and if God was against me, no one would be for me. It was at that point I had no hope. So where was He in all of this? The same place where He stood as He watched His son being beat, spit on, and tortured. Right there, by His side. Right by my side. I hated Him, I had no relief from my thoughts, BUT He managed to still drag me through my mud, through my valley of darkness. Because when I ended up on the other side, I realized that it was Him, who carried me. That I relied upon His strength to carry me without me even knowing it. See, I had to be broke, broke into a thousand pieces so I could be put back together by my maker. So He could build me His way, on His own time, not mine. Make NO mistake, God loves you far beyond what you can comprehend and it's in these moments that these tests refine your faith in Him. So go ahead and yell at Him, shout at the top of your lungs to Him, He can take it. But know that He is working in you, on His own time. Ask Him for "HIS" strength, not your own. Ask "HIM" for His understanding. I took me well over a year and half to get out of my valley. He loves you. He made you. Nothing can separate that Love He has for you. Not in Heaven nor here on earth. It's immeasurable.
     
  11. Ffraid

    Ffraid Member

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    It was never meant to be easy, was it? All Christ promised, when he was still among us, was that those who followed him would be treated like he was. They would be poor, shunned, vilified, persecuted and put to death. It doesn't sound like the riches and happiness that we see around us and covet (because we all do, admit it) were part of the package.

    I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that you give another religion a try. Get into a completely different mindset and perception of the divine. That might just give you the break you need and the perspective to re-evaluate your relationship with God and find out where it all went wrong.
     
  12. kodadog1024

    kodadog1024 Well-Known Member

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    "Far Side of the Moon" I have told you all this so that you may have peace in Me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world."

    Don't think that because once you love God and follow Christ that you won't have any problems, issues, etc. Know that you WILL. BUT, know that now you will not do them alone. And through Christ alone, you can manage them.
     
  13. Far Side Of the Moon

    Far Side Of the Moon " The moon is high& the stars are aligned" :)

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    Thank you for this... I pretty much cried reading this because I am having pretty bad intrusive thoughts right now...thanks for this post.
     
  14. kodadog1024

    kodadog1024 Well-Known Member

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    One last thing I wanted to add. Just as a reminder, God was perfectly content BEFORE He made us. He was in perfect unity, God, Christ and the Holy Spirit. They needed nothing. BUT, His perfect plan was to make you, ... me. And it gave Him great joy. And what's really crazy, buckle up, IF you were the ONLY person on the face of the planet, God would still have sent His one and only Son for you (for me) to die a horrible death, so that you would have the opportunity to be with Him forever. Don't let your current state and emotion dictate how much He loves you. God removes things from our lives to put new things in place.
     
  15. Far Side Of the Moon

    Far Side Of the Moon " The moon is high& the stars are aligned" :)

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    I'm havhaving one of those moments again. I just don't feel like god loves me or hear my prayers.... I don't know what the use is. I don't know why god created me...sometimes I feel just so he could laugh at something.
     
  16. sheamiao

    sheamiao Newbie

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    don't quit ,just imagine one minute without god ,Hell is far beyond that . some bible verse about anxiety here might be helpful to you Psalm 56:3 - NIV - When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.
    Psalm 56:3 - NIV - When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.

    Grace and peace
     
  17. Neoma

    Neoma New Member

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    God's right there when you ask for help. He will NOT take away your suffering though, at least not all of it. There are so many people suffering in the world and God is not going to see you as more special than them and just take away all your pain. He makes it rain on the just and the unjust (Matthew 5:45). I was saved, I have the Holy Spirit, I have faith that produces works, and guess what? Most people hate me, when I'm sick and pray to be healed, sometimes He doesn't heal me. I suffer and struggle every single day. Do I curse Him for it? No. I know God is good and that after you suffer for a little while here God will give you more than you can possibly imagine. He will pay you back (although the best gift I can get from Him is that He is pleased by what I do, there is nothing more I could want). Christians aren't supposed to live happy little lives here, they're not supposed to be liked by people or feel comfortable and not have any problems.
    Also, God does not treat some people specially. He might give some people dreams that leads them to being saved, or heal them, or make miracles happen in someone's life. When He does that to those people, we're supposed to be happy for them, not jealous. We're all one body, so it's like He did it for all Christians when He does it for one. He died for all of us to have a chance to be saved, that's the sign we get from Him. If someone gets another sign from God, it's only because He saw it was the right time to give them one, not because He somehow loves them more. And I saw in another post you said something about it feeling like God just wants something to laugh at or something...God isn't like that at all. He doesn't see someone in pain and laugh at them, He is extremely compassionate.

    I could go on and on, but I will stop before I end up writing a book. But the last thing I want to say is, you don't think like God, so you can't just assume that because you don't understand Him that He's not truly good. To Him, even though you've sinned, He made you. You're extremely precious and valuable to Him, that's why He sent His only Son to suffer and die for us, so that He could have His lost "sheep" back. That is the kind of love He has for all of us, but because people choose darkness over light, they condemn themselves.
     
    Last edited: Jan 28, 2017
  18. Far Side Of the Moon

    Far Side Of the Moon " The moon is high& the stars are aligned" :)

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    Thank you everyone for your replies. I'm in a different place physically ,thanks to god :) and I'm in a better place mentally. So if really like for this thread to be closed as I don't feel this way anymore.
     
  19. Maria.V.H

    Maria.V.H Member

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    I´m sorry to hear you are struggling! I think it´s normal to think the way you do and be mad at God. We don´t understand anything, we want answers. I think it´s very important to understand that we have a responsibillity, i hope you don´t take things the wrong way, but a lot of people don´t take responsibility for their own lives. No one said this would be heaven on earth. Just because you ask, does not mean you will receive, life is not that way. Don´t think i don´t understand you, i have very bad anxiety myself, but i know that i have to change, to be willing to get help and to become better, i have to do the hard work. I still know in my heart that God loves me regardless and he is walking next to me holding my hand. I don´t blame God for my misery, i blame myself, and i am not mad at him for not helping overcome my anxiety because i know i have to overcome it myself!

    We are here for one thing, to evolve as humans, that is all this life is about. What would we learn if we all had happy lives with no trouble???? nothing. If you have children, do you give your children everything they want? what would be the outcome of that? I know what the outcome would be, and i think that is why things are the way they are.

    I hope you will find hope in your heart!
     
  20. Far Side Of the Moon

    Far Side Of the Moon " The moon is high& the stars are aligned" :)

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    I won't blame myself for my anxiety and I don't think you should either.. Because I honestly didn't chose it. Of I could I would give it back in a heartbeat... But I do want to believe the best of god and think he genuinely doesn't want this to happ3n to me ...
     
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