I'm a 21 year old guy. Please know that in no way am I saying that Jesus Christ is not enough in my life. He's all I need. Unfortunately I have some very strong desires for a girlfriend, or a wife honestly, even though I'm still rather young. Sure it's probably sin. But my desires are much more than sexual, although, ashamedly, sexual desires are involved. Mostly though I want somebody to go places with and go to church with and read the Bible with. Have children with etc. I want a closeness that you can't have with any other human. Unfortunately for me I'm about the least likely candidate you'll ever find. I'm a shy loner. An only child and introverted to my core. I don't want to be this way, but it's the way I am. For this reason I know that there's no hope of me ever marrying or having a girlfriend for that matter. If you knew me you would certainly agree. How can I overcome wanting a wife and children? Just forget about it all and live a single life for Christ. I know some are called to singleness. I guess that's me because there's no way I could ever be married yet it's probably the thing I want most in life. And furthermore, if I live to old age and the Lord doesn't come back first, what will I do with the next 60 or so years. Any help is great. Thanks.
How can I get rid of the desire to have a wife and children
- Thread starter Hayden4
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R. Hartono
Well-Known Member
You should know mankind are created as a social being, you need to get along with people, in neighbourhood, in church, in working place, in schools, etc. God has created all of us to live together so get along !
Dont be shy nobody is perfect, be active to greet people !
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No, I'm in college. I guess I wouldn't want to really be married now anyway. But in reality now or later or anytime I just don't see it happening, period. So I want to get prepared to live alone for my days here on earth.
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R. Hartono
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Be the part of your friends activities ! get along with them ! we all need to care each other man, say that you care.
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- Oct 13, 2009
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Nothing wrong with the desire Hayden. Sexual needs are a part of marriage and probably one of the important reasons for marrying (1 Corinthians 7:9). It also comes with a lot of responsibilities and the Apostle Paul and the Lord Jesus wanted to spare us those (Matthew 19:5-12, 1 Corinthians 7:1). I may marry in the future too (albeit at a much older age). God bless
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- Mar 2, 2017
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Everyone is created in God's image, fearfully and wonderfully made, so no one is too undesirable to have a wife or husband. That includes you.
Your desires aren't sinful. God originally created us for marriage. Pray that God will bring you a wonderful woman to marry. But His will be done, not yours.
If you truly feel like you should stay single, commit everything to God, and learn how to be alone. I have, but it's only unless God brings me a truly Godly man in the future. Every single person should learn how to rely on Christ completely and be comfortable alone. It removes the anxiety of being single, and allows the Lord to use you much more for His Kingdom. And if you then do find a woman to marry, then you will have a very strong relationship with Christ and able to support her much better.
Praying for you.
Your desires aren't sinful. God originally created us for marriage. Pray that God will bring you a wonderful woman to marry. But His will be done, not yours.
If you truly feel like you should stay single, commit everything to God, and learn how to be alone. I have, but it's only unless God brings me a truly Godly man in the future. Every single person should learn how to rely on Christ completely and be comfortable alone. It removes the anxiety of being single, and allows the Lord to use you much more for His Kingdom. And if you then do find a woman to marry, then you will have a very strong relationship with Christ and able to support her much better.
Praying for you.
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- Feb 22, 2016
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Two things.
- The apostle, Paul, spoke about marriage and raised some excellent points about it. He said he wished that all men were like him, able to be single and be content with it because marriage, while it can be a great joy, can also bring a lot of challenges and problems into your life. But, if a man gets married then it is a good thing in the eyes of God. But if he can go without getting married and choose the celibate life (this is different from being merely 'single') then it is also good.
- Don't think that your shyness is going to prevent you from getting married necessarily. I'd say it's natural for man to want a wife to be with and have a godly and loving relationship with. You are younger than I am (I'm 24) and yet I have more reasons than most to expect to remain single for the rest of my life. Living with chronic conditions that make it hard for me to do day to day things in normalcy, joy, and peace being one of them. You seem like a generally healthy young man who wants to do what is good and right. Any godly woman would love to have someone like that. It's such a rare find in today's society.
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- Aug 30, 2008
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With God all things are possible. Don't feel you need to give up on a desire for a partner. God loves you and will grant the desires of your heart as you seek Him.
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You are so young and it seems to me that you are already filling your head with a list of what you cannot and will not be able to accomplish in your life, which is a self defeating thing.
I recommend looking less towards the rest of your life and looking at a few things you want to accomplish and working towards goals to do that.
Have you ever considered that you are telling yourself 'you cannot' because you want to prepare yourself for the things you are afraid of not happening, if they happen?
Seems like you may be very self destructive. I'd find a good counselor/therapist and get to the bottom of it right away and see if you can change this negative 'self talk'.
I recommend looking less towards the rest of your life and looking at a few things you want to accomplish and working towards goals to do that.
Have you ever considered that you are telling yourself 'you cannot' because you want to prepare yourself for the things you are afraid of not happening, if they happen?
Seems like you may be very self destructive. I'd find a good counselor/therapist and get to the bottom of it right away and see if you can change this negative 'self talk'.
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Zatek
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Sexual desire is how God designed men. Sexual desires is what motivates a man to go out and meet women. Use your sexual desires for good, to motivate you to work hard and go out and be social. Don't waste it on immorality like inappropriate content and women you're not married to.
If you are a shy loner then the odds women will reject you are extremely high, I used to be like that. I had no clue about women and never even asked one on a date until I was like 25 or 26, but the good news is that as a man you have plenty of time to learn to be social. Many women in the 21-25 range will date men who are 30 and even 40 years old if he is a quality man.
I am 31 now and I spent the last 10 years or so learning how to be social, but during that time I also ate right, hit the gym, studied and worked hard, went to church, so I have lots to offer to women and young women are very eager to date guys like me. I make 6 figure income, I have several years of MMA experience, extremely muscular and can bench 400 lbs, strong Christian friends and mentors, and a am a virgin. I have dated much yet this year, but last I went out with a 25 year old and a coworker set me up with a 23 year old friend but she wasn't a Christian unfortunately. One of the perks of being a man, you can still have kids when you're older if you marry a younger woman.
And that isn't to say I didn't have a lot of lonely years. It would have much preferred to have had parents that loved me enough to teach me to be social and not have been single all these years, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. If you work hard enough, you can do what took me 10 years in 5 or even less. The big thing is to go around to churches and as for a mentor and for help. There are lots of people out there who will help you if you ask for it. If you don't tell people what you want and ask for help, they won't know. They can't read their mind. Like Jesus said, ask and it will be given to you.
If you are a shy loner then the odds women will reject you are extremely high, I used to be like that. I had no clue about women and never even asked one on a date until I was like 25 or 26, but the good news is that as a man you have plenty of time to learn to be social. Many women in the 21-25 range will date men who are 30 and even 40 years old if he is a quality man.
I am 31 now and I spent the last 10 years or so learning how to be social, but during that time I also ate right, hit the gym, studied and worked hard, went to church, so I have lots to offer to women and young women are very eager to date guys like me. I make 6 figure income, I have several years of MMA experience, extremely muscular and can bench 400 lbs, strong Christian friends and mentors, and a am a virgin. I have dated much yet this year, but last I went out with a 25 year old and a coworker set me up with a 23 year old friend but she wasn't a Christian unfortunately. One of the perks of being a man, you can still have kids when you're older if you marry a younger woman.
And that isn't to say I didn't have a lot of lonely years. It would have much preferred to have had parents that loved me enough to teach me to be social and not have been single all these years, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. If you work hard enough, you can do what took me 10 years in 5 or even less. The big thing is to go around to churches and as for a mentor and for help. There are lots of people out there who will help you if you ask for it. If you don't tell people what you want and ask for help, they won't know. They can't read their mind. Like Jesus said, ask and it will be given to you.
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- Apr 30, 2013
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I don't see anything particularly bad about having those desires. And I agree that you are too young to be foreclosing on your desires.
This is worth reading to get some basic social skills. It's an old book but its still relevant:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B003WEAI4E/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
The hardest thing for you is probably going to be dealing with the possibility of rejection but that is really an issue of pride.
This is worth reading to get some basic social skills. It's an old book but its still relevant:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B003WEAI4E/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
The hardest thing for you is probably going to be dealing with the possibility of rejection but that is really an issue of pride.
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Darkhorse
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Genesis 2:18 (NIV)
The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.
After several years of frustration, longing and prayer (like the OP), God brought me a lady who is an unbelievably good match. That was 37 years ago, and we are very happy together. I thank Him every day for His wisdom and care.
Pray for His will to be done...
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So I don't do girlfriends. Girlfriend is just a great way to add misery and sadness in your life.
What you want, is a wife.
1. It is not sin. Period. I don't know where you got that from, or if your parents are giving you that, or possibly you are going to a nutty church. Regardless, I'm going to tell you straight up... they are wrong. They may have been right in everything else they have ever taught you, but in this one case, they are wrong.
Sexual desire is not only normal.... guess who created it? G-d. Did G-d create sin? No.
It is *not* sin.
2. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Stop being ashamed of something G-d himself created, and called good. How exactly are you supposed to "be fruitful and multiply", if it's something evil and to be ashamed of? Does G-d give you contradictory directions? Not the G-d I serve. Unless you are serving a different G-d than me, then he doesn't do that.
3. You are not called to singleness. I am called to singleness. (At least I think I am, but I could be wrong.). How do I know I am called to singleness? Because I'm 40 years old, and to this day I have never come home thinking "man I wish I had a wife and kids!".... Never.... as never. I never dated in high school, college, or all during my working career. Never. And never wanted to.
If you are sitting there going "man I wish I had a wife, and maybe some kids!".... if you even having that discussion in your mind... then you are not called to singleness. So you can dump that line of thinking, and move towards your calling.... your calling to be married and have a family.
4. Everything in life... literally everything in life.... requires you to overcome some obstacle. Everything. There is no way to get all the good things in life, and have zero resistance. Zero problems. Zero opposition.
Sometimes the problems you have to overcome are external. You have to overcome an examination, or work through a degree, or even just be patient with someone difficult (I'm dealing with this right now).
But sometimes the problems you have to overcome are internal. The desire to be laze and watch TV, when you know you need to study for a test. The desire to sleep in, when you need to go to work, and put in your 8 hours.
It sounds to me like the bigger opposition that you need to overcome, to you finding yourself a wife, is going to be you defeating your own desire to shy away and not say anything and play this poor pitiful me card on yourself. It sounds to me that your struggle and battle to get to the rewards you want, will be you defeating yourself.
Well... brother.... you just gotta own that. The bad news is, your old self will fight against you with defeatism. The good news is... you can win this battle. Flat out, G-d helps his people to overcome their internal struggles. You are not the magic exceptional introvert that is beyond all hope.
There is one prayer, that is almost universally accepted by all Christians that G-d will ALWAYS answer.
James 1:5. The prayer for wisdom. For the next month.... whole month. I want you to pray "G-d give me wisdom on when and how to find a wife". Pray that. He will answer that one.
But it's not going to be easy. I want to encourage you, but not white wash this, like it's going to be a walk in the park. It's not. (although taking a girl for a walk in the park would be a great first step).
And let me add another fun tidbit. You are going to get rejected, or find a girl that isn't any good.
Just accept that, and keep looking. You have to look, in order to find.
Now how you look, is not set in stone. You could go to singles groups. You could ask your friends, or even your family to set you up on some blind dates. You could put a profile on a dating site.
You can do a number of things to look. But you need to look. You MUST make some effort. Again nothing good comes without effort. Don't think you are going to hide in your basement, and pray a few times, and some Christian girl will mis-dial your number, and then ask you out on a date after dialing a wrong number.
I told my parents decades ago, I'll marry when a girl accidentally walks into my house, and I hear a booming voice in the sky say "Thou shalt marry her". That was funny, because it was ridiculous and not going to happen. That doesn't happen in the Bible, or in life.
And it never happened.... (although the first year I moved into this condo, two girls with cookies knocked on my door, and walked right into my home.... very funny. They didn't let me have a cookie though. they went next door with them. I was very sad.)
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Kristen Davis
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You don't overcome it you just use the goals that you want out of a wife. Reading the bible with them, honoring cherishing and loving them, just like in Matthew and Genesis and I believe Corinthians where it says two shall become one only if they are bound by the law.
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Sketcher
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Why do you think the desire to marry and have children is any more realistic to get rid of than your lack of social skills? Since this is a very basic human instinct, you're already going big - might as well pray to advance yourself to the point where you can acquire a wife and be a good husband and father.
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- Jun 18, 2014
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You sound like a normal young man with God given normal desires. Yes, that includes the sexual desires, even if they seem overwhelming at times. They are God given as well and you must see them as good, not your enemy.
That is nothing to be ashamed of.
BTW, the "all I need" idea is not exactly scriptural. Adam walked and talked to God in person, and was not fallen in the least. If God was enough for any man, Adam would have been it. But God Himself said it was not good for him to be alone.
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