How can I get his child help in order to protect my child?

[cherylanns]

Background: Almost 6 years ago I married guy of a much different faith than I was raised and belong. My husband belonged to my faith until a missionary changed his mind while he was in the Navy (several years prior to our marriage). I unfortunately did not understand that we had different definitions for Christian words (salvation, Jesus Christ, etc) - everything sounded great. I thought I had married a really great Christian - how wrong I was and there has been a lot of witnessing and discussions in our home with me trying to get him to see the Truth without offending him. We have 4 children in all - my 16 year old daughter (very loved product of a date rape), his 10 year old daughter and his 7 year old son (product of bad marriage that ended in his wife's homosexual relationships) and our 4 year old daughter.

My question is:
His 10-year-old daughter, Brittney, has a sickening fascination with sex and has a serious problem telling the truth - she needs professional help. She has been masturbating since age 5 and now tells my 4 year-old, Grace, all about having sex, kissing, 'feeling good' - even goes so far as to perform sexual acts with the Barbie dolls to illustrate her points. I am no longer allowing them to sleep in the same room or play together unsupervised but my husband says I am tearing the family apart by punishing Brittney, whereas I feel that I am protecting Grace. Brittney is unable to tell the truth and is a very deceitful and sneaky child. We have punished, talked, preached until we don't know where else to turn. I have asked him to get Brittney professional help but he refuses to do so. I am concerned about Grace's welfare being around such a child and her father being unconcerned about the situation. He agrees there is a problem but that God will take care of it in due time. Am I to wait until Brittney gets to the point of physically molesting Grace before it is considered enough of a problem that she can get help? What does the Bible say I am to do? I am doing my best to keep this family together but am getting no assistance from my husband or his ex-wife. I am not really sure there is anything to keep together anymore. If I leave and take my daughters with me, am I committing adultery? If we divorce, what are my options? I know that divorce is not acceptable in God's eyes, but can I do to protect my child when my husband will do nothing?

 

[BigNorsk]

Well, one phone call to child protective services would probably do it but that kind of takes things out of your hands.

It's unusual for a 10 year old to be acting out like that. When one does it is possible that it is because she has been introduced to sexual behavior by someone else, and adult or another child.

Having trouble telling the truth can also be a sign of abuse, because it's quite confusing for a child that is being told to keep a secret so they learn to make things up and tell lies and they are told that is a good thing by the abuser.

There is also the possibility that she was not physically abused but was exposed to inappropriate materials.

It's very possible that the only thing that has happened is that she learned that for some reason sex got a reaction and it's all just been building up.

Frankly this is one time that I think you just have to get her help whatever your husband says. It's your responsibility as an adult in a position to help her.

It would seem to me that one way you could approach this is to get something like the Good Touch/Bad Touch materials. http://www.goodtouchbadtouch.com/products.php#mostimportantrule

Marv

 

[DoubtingThomas29]

Dear Cheryl,

I don't know what to say but Marv had some good ideas there. If I were you I would talk to a therapist and tell him or her that this ten year old is acting strangely and you don't know what to do.

You might want to look at those good touch bad touch materials. Make sure you act quickly though, you never know what is happening to the ten year old. Remember the ten year old sounds like she needs help too. Which I am sure you are aware of.

You have a tough burden.

Thomas

 

[wonderwaleye]

Dear Cherylanns

As a dad of 8 children I have had some experience with dealing with child problems.


If you will go to GOD'S WORD you shall find OVER 40 passages on chastising your children. Now you will also find that they do not coincide with the law of today. BUT they work and were GOD given. I came to the point of feeling that if the state didn't like me following GOD'S WORD then let the state raise them.


I have some VERY GOOD kids. One is an attorney, one a chemical engineer, one a c.p.a., Two hair stylist that have had their own business, two that are now in the university, and one that is mentally ill from an anthrax VACCINE administered in the Army ( against regulations ) but was on trial by a drug co. He is on 100% service connected disability from the service.


My kids were NOT always happy with me as kids but now we are VERY close and they understand why I did what I did. In fact they have found by experience they must take the same action with their kids.


The Bibles toughest passage and the limit to which we are told to chastise is:

" BEAT YOUR CHILD BUT JUST DON'T SET YOUR HEART TO KILL THEM "


So you have the choice of playing head games or taking the situation in HAND!!!

Today there are folks that have made laws and have opinions that I may be advocating child abuse. THIS IS SO FAR FROM THE TRUTH!!! CHILD ABUSE IS ALLOWING YOUR CHILDREN TO DO WHAT THEIR MINDS TELL THEM TO DO WITHOUT FEAR OF THE ROD!!!

I AM TELLING YOU WHAT GOD'S WORD SAY'S:

" Sirach
Chapter 30

7
He who spoils his son will have wounds to bandage, and will quake inwardly at every outcry.
8
A colt untamed turns out stubborn; a son left to himself grows up unruly.
9
Pamper your child and he will be a terror for you, indulge him and he will bring you grief.
10
Share not in his frivolity lest you share in his sorrow, when finally your teeth are clenched in remorse.
11
Give him not his own way in his youth, and close not your eyes to his follies.
12
Bend him to the yoke when he is young, thrash his sides while he is still small, Lest he become stubborn, disobey you, and leave you disconsolate.
13
Discipline your son, make heavy his yoke, lest his folly humiliate you.


Proverbs
Chapter 23

13
Withhold not chastisement from a boy; if you beat him with the rod, he will not die.
14
Beat him with the rod, and you will save him from the nether world


Proverbs
Chapter 22

15
Folly is close to the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him


Proverbs
Chapter 19

18
Chastise your son, for in this there is hope; but do not desire his death.


Proverbs
Chapter 13


24
He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him takes care to chastise him "






WHEN YOU DO THIS ALWAYS REMEMBER:


“ Believe “ in Greek is a verb and has three components which are: hearing, accepting, and then " ACTING " upon that which you have accepted. X Even though you can't see him, GOD is there!!! O ( click on the x and drag to the O ) ( then see who is with you ) steven

 

[wonderwaleye]

Dear Cherylanns

If I may be of any help please contact me or post your thoughts. There are many that need to hear what different folks think what constitutes CHILD ABUSE.

WE ALL NEED TO REMEMBER:


“ Believe “ in Greek is a verb and has three components which are: hearing, accepting, and then " ACTING " upon that which you have accepted. X Even though you can't see him, GOD is there!!! O ( click on the x and drag to the O ) ( then see who is with you ) steven

 

[Robinsegg]

Does hubby see an issue with the girls being together unsupervised? Does he see the possible danger to your 4yo? Can you go to your pastor and see if he has any ideas? Pastor might know of a good family counselor. Does hubby go to a church? Would the pastor/elders there speak with him on the issue if you went to them for help?

Rachel

 

[cherylanns]

Does hubby see an issue with the girls being together unsupervised? Does he see the possible danger to your 4yo? Can you go to your pastor and see if he has any ideas? Pastor might know of a good family counselor. Does hubby go to a church? Would the pastor/elders there speak with him on the issue if you went to them for help?

Rachel

My husband does not see any problem with having the two girls together and feels there is no danger. We talked to her and she was punished over the summer for teaching the kids at a church day camp about sex and getting herself kicked out of camp and he feels that is all the punishment/counsel she needs and that she is better now. My feelings are that until she gets help and learns how to properly handle information, she should not be around our smallest daughter unsupervised. I am not sure what his thinking is but he is angry with me for causing a 'divide' in our family.

Unfortunately, he and I are two different religions - I am Baptist and he is Mormon. I don't know what types of help his church could offer. I have talked to our pastor and he is trying to locate a Christian counselor for her and for us, but I am not sure my husband would be open to it. At this moment, he is not open to any counseling.

 

[Robinsegg]

Is the daughter also Mormon? Are they possibly looking to marry her early (it's my understanding that Mormons sometimes do this)? Is that part of why he sees no problem with it, because Mormons often marry their daughters at or before the age of 15?
R

 

[cherylanns]

Is the daughter also Mormon? Are they possibly looking to marry her early (it's my understanding that Mormons sometimes do this)? Is that part of why he sees no problem with it, because Mormons often marry their daughters at or before the age of 15?
R

His daughter and son are both Mormon whereas my two children attend church with me. I am not sure about the marriage for her; that is something else I will have to research about his religion. I have learned so much recently that I am in 'Mormon overload'. If that is his thinking, I think perhaps the best thing for us to do is temporarily leave until he gets her help or she is no longer living in our home. I have been praying earnestly about this situation and a temporary separation seems to be the answer to get him to realize the gravity of the situation and the need for help. It would also help our marriage to work things out apart instead of either being at each other's throats or silent treatment.

 

[Robinsegg]

I thought of that solution, too. . . . But then I realized he might get visitation of your daughter in his home . . . unsupervised, which might leave Grace with his daughter unsupervised and cause the very situation you're trying to avoid. I'd say get some kind of counsel on that before making any moves. I'd hate for you to find out the hard way.
R

 

[wonderwaleye]

Dear Cherylanns

Have you ever thought about opening GOD'S WORD from BOTH of your Bibles and seeing what GOD has to say. Or is your way BETTER???

You can take a candle and put it in the middle of the room and lite it. ( JESUS )

Then take 4 people and put each one against a different wall of that room.

You shall find that each one has to walk in a seperate direction to get to the light. ( JESUS )

The ways away from that light are ALMOST INFINANT EXCEPT FOR JUST ONE!!! JESUS

WHAT DIRECTION WILL YOU WALK???

REMEMBER:


“ Believe “ in Greek is a verb and has three components
which are: hearing, accepting, and then " ACTING " upon that which you have accepted.



X Even though you can't see him, GOD is there!!! O ( click on the x and drag to the O )
( then see who is with you ) steven

 

[cherylanns]

I will have to make sure that he only sees her when his other children are not at his home. Provisions can be made.

 

[cherylanns]

I don't understand what you are trying to say in your statement, wonderwaleye. If it were my way, I would have called the child's mother and had her removed from my home permanently. But I can't do that to my husband. Instead, I am trying to find other options. I feel I know which way the Lord is leading me, but it will be painful for all involved. But I pray that in the end, the outcome will be God-filled and awesome. As for opening both our Bibles and searching the Word, I would love to do that, but he doesn't believe the Bible is the Word of God. I would rather stay away from doctrinal and theological discussions when the important aspect at this moment is the upbringing of our children and finding a solution to his daughter's issues.

 

[BigNorsk]

Boy do I ever think you are in the wrong. There is this little 10 year old girl in your home, a home you decided to become a part of, but she didn't have any choice in the matter.

She has been acting out for years with a big warning sign that it is likely she is being or has been sexually abused. And you don't do anything about it. Just when you own daughter starts to get older, you are worried that this first child might do something to your daughter.

The child isn't the problem. There is someone who is teaching her or abusing her. Maybe her mother in some sort of misguided thing tried to teach her all about sex so the child would somehow approve of her mother. Maybe her father has been abusing her or exposing her to inappropriate things. Maybe some other person who has been around.

In any case, I don't know. The chances that she would keep doing this in response to a one time thing years ago is pretty small. Chances are someone has been continuing to involve this small child in sex.

And you don't seem to care.

You just want to get rid of her.

You think the problem is a 10 year old, where do you think she learned this stuff?

Why don't you protect all the children and find out the real problem and go after that?

There's a real good chance that whatever happened to the 10 year old is going to happen to your daughter. Depending on who is doing the sexual things, removing her from your home might even trigger the attack on your daughter as the next available victim.

I don't know who is the danger, but what's worse, you don't either. And you seem to have just mentally abandoned this 10 year old girl.

Please, do something. Maybe what needs to happen is the rest of you need to be taught how to raise this 10 year old. Maybe someone has been sexually abusing her for years. Find out, get a professional.

The fact that she is such a liar as you say tends to point to someone is telling and teaching her to lie. She very likely has lots of horrible secrets. In any case, she's a little 10 year old girl, not a throw away problem, please treat her as someone Christ loves enough to die for.

Marv

 

[Robinsegg]

Norsk, I usually agree with your posts. In other circumstances, I would agree with this one. My take on this is that the father (her biological father, where this is a stepmom) is absolutely refusing to allow the 10yo to be seen by a counselor, professional or religious. The only way the stepmom would be able to force this issue would be by calling the authorities in (as far as I can see). The stepmom has tried convincing her hubby that the girl needs help and he won't listen.
So, the OP has two options: involve the government authorities or protect the 4yo from the 10yo. Neither is the best for everybody.
The only other thing I might be concerned about is "could the father be sexually abusing the 10yo (or allowing her to be abused by someone else) and trying to cover it up?"
R