Hello everyone, I'm 29 yr old man who was raised in a very charismatic church. It was a very abusive environment for me and I experienced a lot of abuse (sexual) from many people growing up. I was exposed to inappropriate contentography at age nine by a family member and have had issues with it ever since. I've also been a smoker (I quit) and an alcoholic (I quit) and I've known the gospel my entire life, but I've been beyond tortured with the idea that I may not be saved. I also suffer from a number of mental disorders that include bipolar, general anxiety, major depressive and panic disorder. I've also been hospitalized for a serious suicide attempt about 5 months ago. So, I can get extreme paralyzing fear over my salvation. I've spoken to many people and have landed in a nice baptist church recently, but I'm beyond confused. I feel like every time I get a good handle on the scriptures I find something that shatters my worldview. This at times gets me so mad and guilty that I PURPOSEFULLY give into sin, because I feel like I'm going to hell no matter what I do. Then I feel guilty about that and repent, but I find no comfort, so it repeats the cycles over and over.
It first started out with OSAS (Still not sure about that one), then it was sinless perfection, works to keep salvation etc etc... I've had changes in my entire life, but I don't ever feel secure in my salvation. I get so paranoid about pleasing God that it interferes with my daily life. Sometimes I believe that my hobbies are sin and I should never have fun (even playing games with my kids). The internet has been a minefield of false (or true??) doctrines that have me beyond confused. I get so much more worried and confused when I actually read the bible by myself. Please understand that I have an issue with connecting with people and ideas and I have a warped sense of reality, so I'm sure that interferes with everything.
I do want to say that I have never been able to deny that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and that he died for my sins and that of the world. I believe that he was resurrected three days later as it states. I also WANT to obey God and do whatever is demanded of me (including death). In all my mind sets and moods I've always felt these concrete truths, but I still don't feel comfortable!
Has anyone experienced this or heard of it? Does anyone have an advice for me? I've been considering biblical counseling, but I don't know who to believe and I don't trust myself. I feel so guilty that I haven't told anyone about Christ, but at the same time I don't feel I'm even equipped for that!
If i was saved at a young age. Why haven't I overcome all these obstacles after all this time? Is it the abuse or my conditions or what?
Sorry for the long post, but I do sincerely thank you for reading it. I also want to note that I'm absolutely beyond terrified of God. So, please no one think that I have no fear. I'm paralyzed!
Please note that I already receive secular therapy for my conditions and am medicated.
It first started out with OSAS (Still not sure about that one), then it was sinless perfection, works to keep salvation etc etc... I've had changes in my entire life, but I don't ever feel secure in my salvation. I get so paranoid about pleasing God that it interferes with my daily life. Sometimes I believe that my hobbies are sin and I should never have fun (even playing games with my kids). The internet has been a minefield of false (or true??) doctrines that have me beyond confused. I get so much more worried and confused when I actually read the bible by myself. Please understand that I have an issue with connecting with people and ideas and I have a warped sense of reality, so I'm sure that interferes with everything.
I do want to say that I have never been able to deny that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and that he died for my sins and that of the world. I believe that he was resurrected three days later as it states. I also WANT to obey God and do whatever is demanded of me (including death). In all my mind sets and moods I've always felt these concrete truths, but I still don't feel comfortable!
Has anyone experienced this or heard of it? Does anyone have an advice for me? I've been considering biblical counseling, but I don't know who to believe and I don't trust myself. I feel so guilty that I haven't told anyone about Christ, but at the same time I don't feel I'm even equipped for that!
If i was saved at a young age. Why haven't I overcome all these obstacles after all this time? Is it the abuse or my conditions or what?
Sorry for the long post, but I do sincerely thank you for reading it. I also want to note that I'm absolutely beyond terrified of God. So, please no one think that I have no fear. I'm paralyzed!
Please note that I already receive secular therapy for my conditions and am medicated.
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