DoubtfulSalvation

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Hello everyone, I'm 29 yr old man who was raised in a very charismatic church. It was a very abusive environment for me and I experienced a lot of abuse (sexual) from many people growing up. I was exposed to inappropriate contentography at age nine by a family member and have had issues with it ever since. I've also been a smoker (I quit) and an alcoholic (I quit) and I've known the gospel my entire life, but I've been beyond tortured with the idea that I may not be saved. I also suffer from a number of mental disorders that include bipolar, general anxiety, major depressive and panic disorder. I've also been hospitalized for a serious suicide attempt about 5 months ago. So, I can get extreme paralyzing fear over my salvation. I've spoken to many people and have landed in a nice baptist church recently, but I'm beyond confused. I feel like every time I get a good handle on the scriptures I find something that shatters my worldview. This at times gets me so mad and guilty that I PURPOSEFULLY give into sin, because I feel like I'm going to hell no matter what I do. Then I feel guilty about that and repent, but I find no comfort, so it repeats the cycles over and over.

It first started out with OSAS (Still not sure about that one), then it was sinless perfection, works to keep salvation etc etc... I've had changes in my entire life, but I don't ever feel secure in my salvation. I get so paranoid about pleasing God that it interferes with my daily life. Sometimes I believe that my hobbies are sin and I should never have fun (even playing games with my kids). The internet has been a minefield of false (or true??) doctrines that have me beyond confused. I get so much more worried and confused when I actually read the bible by myself. Please understand that I have an issue with connecting with people and ideas and I have a warped sense of reality, so I'm sure that interferes with everything.

I do want to say that I have never been able to deny that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and that he died for my sins and that of the world. I believe that he was resurrected three days later as it states. I also WANT to obey God and do whatever is demanded of me (including death). In all my mind sets and moods I've always felt these concrete truths, but I still don't feel comfortable!

Has anyone experienced this or heard of it? Does anyone have an advice for me? I've been considering biblical counseling, but I don't know who to believe and I don't trust myself. I feel so guilty that I haven't told anyone about Christ, but at the same time I don't feel I'm even equipped for that!

If i was saved at a young age. Why haven't I overcome all these obstacles after all this time? Is it the abuse or my conditions or what?

Sorry for the long post, but I do sincerely thank you for reading it. I also want to note that I'm absolutely beyond terrified of God. So, please no one think that I have no fear. I'm paralyzed!

Please note that I already receive secular therapy for my conditions and am medicated.
 
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twin1954

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Hello everyone, I'm 29 yr old man who was raised in a very charismatic church. It was a very abusive environment for me and I experienced a lot of abuse (sexual) from many people growing up. I was exposed to inappropriate contentography at age nine by a family member and have had issues with it ever since. I've also been a smoker (I quit) and an alcoholic (I quit) and I've known the gospel my entire life, but I've been beyond tortured with the idea that I may not be saved. I also suffer from a number of mental disorders that include bipolar, general anxiety, major depressive and panic disorder. I've also been hospitalized for a serious suicide attempt about 5 months ago. So, I can get extreme paralyzing fear over my salvation. I've spoken to many people and have landed in a nice baptist church recently, but I'm beyond confused. I feel like every time I get a good handle on the scriptures I find something that shatters my worldview. This at times gets me so mad and guilty that I PURPOSEFULLY give into sin, because I feel like I'm going to hell no matter what I do. Then I feel guilty about that and repent, but I find no comfort, so it repeats the cycles over and over.

It first started out with OSAS (Still not sure about that one), then it was sinless perfection, works to keep salvation etc etc... I've had changes in my entire life, but I don't ever feel secure in my salvation. I get so paranoid about pleasing God that it interferes with my daily life. Sometimes I believe that my hobbies are sin and I should never have fun (even playing games with my kids). The internet has been a minefield of false (or true??) doctrines that have me beyond confused. I get so much more worried and confused when I actually read the bible by myself. Please understand that I have an issue with connecting with people and ideas and I have a warped sense of reality, so I'm sure that interferes with everything.

I do want to say that I have never been able to deny that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and that he died for my sins and that of the world. I believe that he was resurrected three days later as it states. I also WANT to obey God and do whatever is demanded of me (including death). In all my mind sets and moods I've always felt these concrete truths, but I still don't feel comfortable!

Has anyone experienced this or heard of it? Does anyone have an advice for me? I've been considering biblical counseling, but I don't know who to believe and I don't trust myself. I feel so guilty that I haven't told anyone about Christ, but at the same time I don't feel I'm even equipped for that!

If i was saved at a young age. Why haven't I overcome all these obstacles after all this time? Is it the abuse or my conditions or what?

Sorry for the long post, but I do sincerely thank you for reading it. I also want to note that I'm absolutely beyond terrified of God. So, please no one think that I have no fear. I'm paralyzed!

Please note that I already receive secular therapy for my conditions and am medicated.
First of all you have been misled by thinking that you must do something to be saved. Salvation is not doing but resting in Christ Jesus the Lord. He has already done all that is required of God to save His people and it is enough for God and enough for you to be everlastingly blessed of God. PM me and we can discuss all of your concerns in detail. I want to deal with you one on one rather than make a public spectacle of things. You will get all kinds of responses to this be sure but I encourage you to deal with me one on one. I will not tell you that you are saved but I will tell you how you can know that you are. I will tell you of the Lord Jesus the Christ and what He actually did and for whom He did it. I cannot give you faith but I can tell you what the true Gospel is.

I understand the confusion of your background and will do my best to answer all of your questions. I am your servant in Christ, Twin.

BTW, you have stolen my heart and I desire to help you.
 
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dogs4thewin

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Thank you for your reply. I'm trying to PM you, but I keep encountering a site error. Would it be possible for you to start the conversation and see if it works that way?
Neither you can PM him nor can he PM you until you have fifteen or twenty posts ( cannot remember which and five likes to prevent trolling.
 
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98cwitr

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I have always viewed hardships in this life as a method of molding character. I too severely doubt my regeneration and absolute salvation. There are many times I recall Romans 9 and wonder if I am just a pawn to act upon other peoples' lives for their betterment, but in the end I am made for common use...to be thrown out once my purpose is fulfilled.

In coming to understand how salvation works though, I've found peace in leaving my life, whatever it's value, in God's hands. He is going to dictate things whether I like it or not...and there is ZERO I can do about it. If God changes my heart (Ezekiel 36) and I am enabled to come to God (John 6), and my sins are washed away from my actions (1 John 3 and 1 John 5:18) then I will, either way, attribute all of that to God and His Work and Word. If His Spirit comes to me, it would not come unwillingly...so I cannot be unwilling.

Romans 9 tells us that no one can resist God's Will, and that He is Sovereign. There's no use worrying, for He is in control. We're also instructed to workout our salvation with fear and trembling, and to turn our laughter and jubilation into mourning and weeping....still, there is no need for worry. What will be will be.
 
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PrettyboyAndy

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Hello everyone, I'm 29 yr old man who was raised in a very charismatic church. It was a very abusive environment for me and I experienced a lot of abuse (sexual) from many people growing up. I was exposed to inappropriate contentography at age nine by a family member and have had issues with it ever since. I've also been a smoker (I quit) and an alcoholic (I quit) and I've known the gospel my entire life, but I've been beyond tortured with the idea that I may not be saved. I also suffer from a number of mental disorders that include bipolar, general anxiety, major depressive and panic disorder. I've also been hospitalized for a serious suicide attempt about 5 months ago. So, I can get extreme paralyzing fear over my salvation. I've spoken to many people and have landed in a nice baptist church recently, but I'm beyond confused. I feel like every time I get a good handle on the scriptures I find something that shatters my worldview. This at times gets me so mad and guilty that I PURPOSEFULLY give into sin, because I feel like I'm going to hell no matter what I do. Then I feel guilty about that and repent, but I find no comfort, so it repeats the cycles over and over.

It first started out with OSAS (Still not sure about that one), then it was sinless perfection, works to keep salvation etc etc... I've had changes in my entire life, but I don't ever feel secure in my salvation. I get so paranoid about pleasing God that it interferes with my daily life. Sometimes I believe that my hobbies are sin and I should never have fun (even playing games with my kids). The internet has been a minefield of false (or true??) doctrines that have me beyond confused. I get so much more worried and confused when I actually read the bible by myself. Please understand that I have an issue with connecting with people and ideas and I have a warped sense of reality, so I'm sure that interferes with everything.

I do want to say that I have never been able to deny that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and that he died for my sins and that of the world. I believe that he was resurrected three days later as it states. I also WANT to obey God and do whatever is demanded of me (including death). In all my mind sets and moods I've always felt these concrete truths, but I still don't feel comfortable!

Has anyone experienced this or heard of it? Does anyone have an advice for me? I've been considering biblical counseling, but I don't know who to believe and I don't trust myself. I feel so guilty that I haven't told anyone about Christ, but at the same time I don't feel I'm even equipped for that!

If i was saved at a young age. Why haven't I overcome all these obstacles after all this time? Is it the abuse or my conditions or what?

Sorry for the long post, but I do sincerely thank you for reading it. I also want to note that I'm absolutely beyond terrified of God. So, please no one think that I have no fear. I'm paralyzed!

Please note that I already receive secular therapy for my conditions and am medicated.

I have only been saved for 6 years now, I heard the Gospel first time when I was 26. So other members will be able to assist you better.

But try to look at the Bible as a whole.

God created everything perfect, Adam and Eve sinned, resulting in sin. Now we are fallen, and have a sinful nature, which is terrible, apart from God, we can't please him or understand him.

Yet God loves us so much, he left heaven became a man, to live a life in our place, and pay for our sins with his own life. He did this to give us eternal life, and so we can be reconciled with him once again. Because in the garden we became fallen.

Now the purpose in life, is to become conformed to His image. God is ultimately in control. Even when we think something bad or terrible is happening, somehow God can use it for good. God doesn't tempt us but puts us in situations to allow us to become refined, and become more like His Son. This reminds me of Joseph, how he got sold into slavery, but God used all the terrible situations for good.

Think about this, if he gave his life for us, will he not do much more? He already did the greater for you, will he not do the lessor.

He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all--how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Romans 8:32


So where do we fit in the story? You and I alike, are a fallen sinful human being, born 2000 years after Christ walked this earth. He revealed himself to both of us, now he put His spirit in us, he will conform us to His image, then one day we will be glorified and sinless and be with Christ. (Only God knows your heart, I'm not saying you are or not saved, only God knows)

Once you get the Holy Spirit, it is sealed and you can't loose it.

Pray to him, fast, Wrestle with God like Isaac did, until you have peace.
 
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Thunder Peel

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Hello everyone, I'm 29 yr old man who was raised in a very charismatic church. It was a very abusive environment for me and I experienced a lot of abuse (sexual) from many people growing up. I was exposed to inappropriate contentography at age nine by a family member and have had issues with it ever since. I've also been a smoker (I quit) and an alcoholic (I quit) and I've known the gospel my entire life, but I've been beyond tortured with the idea that I may not be saved. I also suffer from a number of mental disorders that include bipolar, general anxiety, major depressive and panic disorder. I've also been hospitalized for a serious suicide attempt about 5 months ago. So, I can get extreme paralyzing fear over my salvation. I've spoken to many people and have landed in a nice baptist church recently, but I'm beyond confused. I feel like every time I get a good handle on the scriptures I find something that shatters my worldview. This at times gets me so mad and guilty that I PURPOSEFULLY give into sin, because I feel like I'm going to hell no matter what I do. Then I feel guilty about that and repent, but I find no comfort, so it repeats the cycles over and over.

It first started out with OSAS (Still not sure about that one), then it was sinless perfection, works to keep salvation etc etc... I've had changes in my entire life, but I don't ever feel secure in my salvation. I get so paranoid about pleasing God that it interferes with my daily life. Sometimes I believe that my hobbies are sin and I should never have fun (even playing games with my kids). The internet has been a minefield of false (or true??) doctrines that have me beyond confused. I get so much more worried and confused when I actually read the bible by myself. Please understand that I have an issue with connecting with people and ideas and I have a warped sense of reality, so I'm sure that interferes with everything.

I do want to say that I have never been able to deny that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and that he died for my sins and that of the world. I believe that he was resurrected three days later as it states. I also WANT to obey God and do whatever is demanded of me (including death). In all my mind sets and moods I've always felt these concrete truths, but I still don't feel comfortable!

Has anyone experienced this or heard of it? Does anyone have an advice for me? I've been considering biblical counseling, but I don't know who to believe and I don't trust myself. I feel so guilty that I haven't told anyone about Christ, but at the same time I don't feel I'm even equipped for that!

If i was saved at a young age. Why haven't I overcome all these obstacles after all this time? Is it the abuse or my conditions or what?

Sorry for the long post, but I do sincerely thank you for reading it. I also want to note that I'm absolutely beyond terrified of God. So, please no one think that I have no fear. I'm paralyzed!

Please note that I already receive secular therapy for my conditions and am medicated.

Friend, I too have struggled with assurance off and on throughout my life. I just finished reading a book that you absolutely should read: How Can I Be Sure I'm a Christian?: What the Bible Says About Assurance of Salvation by Donald S. Whitney. It is hands down one of the best Christian books I've read and he goes into great detail about conversion, doubt, assurance and why some may struggle more than others. It's been an enormous peace to me and he backs everything up with scripture. I highly encourage you to find a copy; it's only about 150 pages and you can go through it bit by bit. He also talks about personality types and mental disorders that can cause doubt.

Let me also reassure you that worrying about your salvation and feeling convicted about sin are good indicators that you may know the Lord. The unsaved do not worry about God and feel no remorse over their sin. We're called to work out our salvation with fear and trembling, which it sounds like you're trying to do. Take heart in what the Bible says and rest on God's promise that all who call upon the name of Jesus will be saved. Focus on His truth and where you are now, not where you've been. You've can't save yourself and being legalistic will only lead to more frustration and guilt. You have to put your faith in Jesus and allow the Holy Spirit to change you. The more you try to do yourself, the harder things will become.

I will be praying for you. Keep seeking God and putting all of your trust in Jesus. He is faithful to save those who call on Him!
 
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food4thought

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I gave likes to each of doubtful's posts, so a few more and then it is up to him to keep posting... don't give up, doubtful. Pray as the man did to Jesus when his son could not be healed by the disciples: "Lord, I believe! Help my unbelief."

Just as an aside, I post here even though I am attending a Methodist church because I am attending a Baptist college (Liberty)
 
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Goodbook

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Not sure why this is in a baptist forum as baptists don't have slogans like 'osas' that people tout as shorthand when they can't be bothered to read the Bible and find out what God says about salvation..

But I would say. If you need help and prayer, post in the advice section.

You have a lot of issues and sticking with slogans isn't going to help you. Firstly if you do know the gospel you will find that Jesus sets us free. Maybe you need to apply the blood to some areas of your life and be delivered.

We can pray for this.
 
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Bluelion

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Hello everyone, I'm 29 yr old man who was raised in a very charismatic church. It was a very abusive environment for me and I experienced a lot of abuse (sexual) from many people growing up. I was exposed to inappropriate contentography at age nine by a family member and have had issues with it ever since. I've also been a smoker (I quit) and an alcoholic (I quit) and I've known the gospel my entire life, but I've been beyond tortured with the idea that I may not be saved. I also suffer from a number of mental disorders that include bipolar, general anxiety, major depressive and panic disorder. I've also been hospitalized for a serious suicide attempt about 5 months ago. So, I can get extreme paralyzing fear over my salvation. I've spoken to many people and have landed in a nice baptist church recently, but I'm beyond confused. I feel like every time I get a good handle on the scriptures I find something that shatters my worldview. This at times gets me so mad and guilty that I PURPOSEFULLY give into sin, because I feel like I'm going to hell no matter what I do. Then I feel guilty about that and repent, but I find no comfort, so it repeats the cycles over and over.

It first started out with OSAS (Still not sure about that one), then it was sinless perfection, works to keep salvation etc etc... I've had changes in my entire life, but I don't ever feel secure in my salvation. I get so paranoid about pleasing God that it interferes with my daily life. Sometimes I believe that my hobbies are sin and I should never have fun (even playing games with my kids). The internet has been a minefield of false (or true??) doctrines that have me beyond confused. I get so much more worried and confused when I actually read the bible by myself. Please understand that I have an issue with connecting with people and ideas and I have a warped sense of reality, so I'm sure that interferes with everything.

I do want to say that I have never been able to deny that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and that he died for my sins and that of the world. I believe that he was resurrected three days later as it states. I also WANT to obey God and do whatever is demanded of me (including death). In all my mind sets and moods I've always felt these concrete truths, but I still don't feel comfortable!

Has anyone experienced this or heard of it? Does anyone have an advice for me? I've been considering biblical counseling, but I don't know who to believe and I don't trust myself. I feel so guilty that I haven't told anyone about Christ, but at the same time I don't feel I'm even equipped for that!

If i was saved at a young age. Why haven't I overcome all these obstacles after all this time? Is it the abuse or my conditions or what?

Sorry for the long post, but I do sincerely thank you for reading it. I also want to note that I'm absolutely beyond terrified of God. So, please no one think that I have no fear. I'm paralyzed!

Please note that I already receive secular therapy for my conditions and am medicated.

Hi friend, I too have been through hell on earth.

First lets start with Hope. Simple test 100% to know if you saved is to ask your self this question do you love God in your heart? A person can not love God with out Jesus in there heart. don't lie to your self either only you and God know the answer. If the answer is know I would urge to get saved but i suspect the answer is yes you do love God. So great.

I bet you have spiritual back ground something with either books of magic, witch boards or taro cards something which connect you to magic. That is what open you up to all this. I suspect you are trying really hard to follow God and with Him or satan would not be trying so hard to get you to give up. Don't give up. look lets start with salvation.

Lets see what God says about John 6.
37 However, those the Father has given me will come to me, and I will never reject them.38 For I have come down from heaven to do the will of God who sent me, not to do my own will.39 And this is the will of God, that I should not lose even one of all those he has given me, but that I should raise them up at the last day.40 For it is my Father’s will that all who see his Son and believe in him should have eternal life. I will raise them up at the last day.”

See that God says i will never reject them, and also I will not lose one of all the Father has given me. Do you get that Jesus will not lose one of his children not one. If you are saved you are saved from life. Have you been to heaven? No well how could you lose salvation if you never had it. Saved is just that as Jesus says in John I will raise them up. That is saved, the reward is in the future you can not lose what you never had. If you have accepted Jesus you are saved and can not lose that ever.

Ok sin, need to work on it but we all sin. You need to plug all those holes because that is what sin does is make a hole in you for the enemy to get at you. So try to cut down as best you can. I still smoke so not what that is like it is a sin as well, not the smoke but the addiction. Keep working on, Keep studying Gods word. You can enjoy games, you can enjoy Tv just stay focused on God but you are in the world just don't be from the world, get it. As God says eat and rink for there are no finer things on earth, drink as in juice not getting drunk. It means be happy with your life and enjoy it the best you can. do not turn to sin for sin is a liar and not enjoyable. Try to find the peace which comes from Jesus.

I would also give you warning there are wolves on this site be careful who you put your trust in and who you lean your ear to. I am not tell you to trust, don't, trust God. i post God's word so God could speak to you. It doesn't matter what I say, it is what God says. Listen to God.
 
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Bluelion

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Not sure why this is in a baptist forum as baptists don't have slogans like 'osas' that people tout as shorthand when they can't be bothered to read the Bible and find out what God says about salvation..

But I would say. If you need help and prayer, post in the advice section.

You have a lot of issues and sticking with slogans isn't going to help you. Firstly if you do know the gospel you will find that Jesus sets us free. Maybe you need to apply the blood to some areas of your life and be delivered.

We can pray for this.

Maybe you should try loving your brother. How would you feel if Jesus spoke to you this way? Just because you never had any of these problems does not mean it is his fault. I would give the book of Job who was a godly man yet was tormented by satan, and yet he did nothing wrong, God said he was guiltless. Try having some compassion.
 
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DoubtfulSalvation

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Hi friend, I too have been through hell on earth.

First lets start with Hope. Simple test 100% to know if you saved is to ask your self this question do you love God in your heart? A person can not love God with out Jesus in there heart. don't lie to your self either only you and God know the answer. If the answer is know I would urge to get saved but i suspect the answer is yes you do love God. So great.

I bet you have spiritual back ground something with either books of magic, witch boards or taro cards something which connect you to magic. That is what open you up to all this. I suspect you are trying really hard to follow God and with Him or satan would not be trying so hard to get you to give up. Don't give up. look lets start with salvation.

Lets see what God says about John 6.
37 However, those the Father has given me will come to me, and I will never reject them.38 For I have come down from heaven to do the will of God who sent me, not to do my own will.39 And this is the will of God, that I should not lose even one of all those he has given me, but that I should raise them up at the last day.40 For it is my Father’s will that all who see his Son and believe in him should have eternal life. I will raise them up at the last day.”

See that God says i will never reject them, and also I will not lose one of all the Father has given me. Do you get that Jesus will not lose one of his children not one. If you are saved you are saved from life. Have you been to heaven? No well how could you lose salvation if you never had it. Saved is just that as Jesus says in John I will raise them up. That is saved, the reward is in the future you can not lose what you never had. If you have accepted Jesus you are saved and can not lose that ever.

Ok sin, need to work on it but we all sin. You need to plug all those holes because that is what sin does is make a hole in you for the enemy to get at you. So try to cut down as best you can. I still smoke so not what that is like it is a sin as well, not the smoke but the addiction. Keep working on, Keep studying Gods word. You can enjoy games, you can enjoy Tv just stay focused on God but you are in the world just don't be from the world, get it. As God says eat and rink for there are no finer things on earth, drink as in juice not getting drunk. It means be happy with your life and enjoy it the best you can. do not turn to sin for sin is a liar and not enjoyable. Try to find the peace which comes from Jesus.

I would also give you warning there are wolves on this site be careful who you put your trust in and who you lean your ear to. I am not tell you to trust, don't, trust God. i post God's word so God could speak to you. It doesn't matter what I say, it is what God says. Listen to God.

Thank you very much for everyone's replies. I was very happy to see the notifications when I logged in. Bluelion- i appreciate you taking the time to write such a lengthy message on my behalf. I've definitely been exposed to darker things through my own idiotic decisions and no doubt suffer a multitude of consequences for them!

I totally agree with getting sin out of my life. I'm really striving hard to examine (sometimes too much i think) my life and weed out what's not suppose to be there. Like I mentioned in my post before I've previously have had issues with sexual immorality, but am finding it easier to combat as of this moment. So there is that!

As for loving God, that is a mixed bag for me. There have been times where I have been overwhelmed with emotion for God and the sacrifice of Jesus, but lately I've had a hard time connecting those warm fuzzy feelings with God. I think this is partly because of a hardened heart from sin and the fact that I've been so terrified of God's retribution for so long. Lately, I've been viewing God as someone who is "after" me so to say. It gives me no pleasure or peace to think that way, and I wonder how much my mental conditions play a role in that. So, I would say that I do love God, but I don't think I always feel it like everyone else seems to. I think with time and proper study this will change. It's also worth noting that I had a terrible father figure growing up and I think this has added to the confusion about how I view God. I use to be extremely angry at him for many things that weren't his fault, and this probably plays a role in that as well.

Needless to say I feel a lot more refreshed and less worried than I was in my original post. Here's to hoping that this won't be an on going thing for me.
 
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DoubtfulSalvation

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Friend, I too have struggled with assurance off and on throughout my life. I just finished reading a book that you absolutely should read: How Can I Be Sure I'm a Christian?: What the Bible Says About Assurance of Salvation by Donald S. Whitney. It is hands down one of the best Christian books I've read and he goes into great detail about conversion, doubt, assurance and why some may struggle more than others. It's been an enormous peace to me and he backs everything up with scripture. I highly encourage you to find a copy; it's only about 150 pages and you can go through it bit by bit. He also talks about personality types and mental disorders that can cause doubt.

Let me also reassure you that worrying about your salvation and feeling convicted about sin are good indicators that you may know the Lord. The unsaved do not worry about God and feel no remorse over their sin. We're called to work out our salvation with fear and trembling, which it sounds like you're trying to do. Take heart in what the Bible says and rest on God's promise that all who call upon the name of Jesus will be saved. Focus on His truth and where you are now, not where you've been. You've can't save yourself and being legalistic will only lead to more frustration and guilt. You have to put your faith in Jesus and allow the Holy Spirit to change you. The more you try to do yourself, the harder things will become.

I will be praying for you. Keep seeking God and putting all of your trust in Jesus. He is faithful to save those who call on Him!

Thank you for you reply. I just found a used version of the book for a couple bucks and ordered it online. My wife points out the fact that I worry about sin should be an indicator to me about my salvation. It's good to hear it from someone else. Thank you!
 
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royal priest

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Hello everyone, I'm 29 yr old man who was raised in a very charismatic church. It was a very abusive environment for me and I experienced a lot of abuse (sexual) from many people growing up. I was exposed to inappropriate contentography at age nine by a family member and have had issues with it ever since. I've also been a smoker (I quit) and an alcoholic (I quit) and I've known the gospel my entire life, but I've been beyond tortured with the idea that I may not be saved. I also suffer from a number of mental disorders that include bipolar, general anxiety, major depressive and panic disorder. I've also been hospitalized for a serious suicide attempt about 5 months ago. So, I can get extreme paralyzing fear over my salvation. I've spoken to many people and have landed in a nice baptist church recently, but I'm beyond confused. I feel like every time I get a good handle on the scriptures I find something that shatters my worldview. This at times gets me so mad and guilty that I PURPOSEFULLY give into sin, because I feel like I'm going to hell no matter what I do. Then I feel guilty about that and repent, but I find no comfort, so it repeats the cycles over and over.

It first started out with OSAS (Still not sure about that one), then it was sinless perfection, works to keep salvation etc etc... I've had changes in my entire life, but I don't ever feel secure in my salvation. I get so paranoid about pleasing God that it interferes with my daily life. Sometimes I believe that my hobbies are sin and I should never have fun (even playing games with my kids). The internet has been a minefield of false (or true??) doctrines that have me beyond confused. I get so much more worried and confused when I actually read the bible by myself. Please understand that I have an issue with connecting with people and ideas and I have a warped sense of reality, so I'm sure that interferes with everything.

I do want to say that I have never been able to deny that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and that he died for my sins and that of the world. I believe that he was resurrected three days later as it states. I also WANT to obey God and do whatever is demanded of me (including death). In all my mind sets and moods I've always felt these concrete truths, but I still don't feel comfortable!

Has anyone experienced this or heard of it? Does anyone have an advice for me? I've been considering biblical counseling, but I don't know who to believe and I don't trust myself. I feel so guilty that I haven't told anyone about Christ, but at the same time I don't feel I'm even equipped for that!

If i was saved at a young age. Why haven't I overcome all these obstacles after all this time? Is it the abuse or my conditions or what?

Sorry for the long post, but I do sincerely thank you for reading it. I also want to note that I'm absolutely beyond terrified of God. So, please no one think that I have no fear. I'm paralyzed!

Please note that I already receive secular therapy for my conditions and am medicated.
It is natural, when faced with the holy God, to consider how dreadful we must appear to His perfect gaze. His law thunders in our conscience, and causes our hearts to melt in fear. We have no reason to hope when we look within ourselves. It does not matter a single ounce what we have done in our past, whether good or bad.
This is why God calls hopeless sinners to look to the cross where His Son hangs, as a sacrifice for those who trust in Him. You must look to the cross. See Jesus hanging there in the place of sinners. See the Father wounding Him in their place for their transgressions. See Jesus drinking the cup of the wrath which was filled for them to drink. Then, see Him conquering death for all His people by rising from the dead. See Him ascending up to Heaven to prepare a place for His people. See Him at the Father's right hand reigning over His people, praying for them, and pleading the merits of His blood so that they might be forgiven all their sins. Then, associate yourself with Jesus and His people. See yourself dying, rising, ascending, and sitting together with them all.
Ephesians 2:4-6.
Seek to live in fellowship with them. Seek a church that preaches these realities and will hold you accountable for your actions according to the Bible.
Your experiences are not unusual. Just keep looking to Jesus as your hope, and He will keep you above the waves as you seek to follow Him.
 
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Dear DoubtfulSalvation. You had some good replies, may I give you one more? In Matthew 22:35-40: Jesus tells us:
" The first and great Commandment is: Love God with all thy heart, with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. The second is like it: love thy neighbour as thyself." In verse 40 we are told: " On these two Commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets." God is Love and God wants loving sons and daughters. You start by asking God for Love and Joy, then you thank God and share all love and joy with your neighbour.( neighbour is all you know and all you meet,
friends and not friends) Keep sharing the love and joy with your neighbour. " Ask and you shall receive," God sees your loving efforts, and God will Bless you. You might stumble and forget at times, but then ask God to forgive you and carry on loving and caring.
The Bible tells us to " Repent and be Born Again," we give up all our selfish wishes and wants, and start loving and caring, be always friendly with a helping hand, if necessary. The Holy Spirit will help and guide us, and Jesus our Saviour will lead us all the way: JESUS IS THE WAY.
A Christian`s weapon is Love, with love we can overcome all envy and bad behaviour. Love is very catching. Let us show our love and compassion in all we say and do, and Satan and his followers will flee from us.
I say this with love, dear DoubtfulSalvation. Greetings from Emmy, your sister in Christ
 
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Bluelion

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Thank you very much for everyone's replies. I was very happy to see the notifications when I logged in. Bluelion- i appreciate you taking the time to write such a lengthy message on my behalf. I've definitely been exposed to darker things through my own idiotic decisions and no doubt suffer a multitude of consequences for them!

I totally agree with getting sin out of my life. I'm really striving hard to examine (sometimes too much i think) my life and weed out what's not suppose to be there. Like I mentioned in my post before I've previously have had issues with sexual immorality, but am finding it easier to combat as of this moment. So there is that!

As for loving God, that is a mixed bag for me. There have been times where I have been overwhelmed with emotion for God and the sacrifice of Jesus, but lately I've had a hard time connecting those warm fuzzy feelings with God. I think this is partly because of a hardened heart from sin and the fact that I've been so terrified of God's retribution for so long. Lately, I've been viewing God as someone who is "after" me so to say. It gives me no pleasure or peace to think that way, and I wonder how much my mental conditions play a role in that. So, I would say that I do love God, but I don't think I always feel it like everyone else seems to. I think with time and proper study this will change. It's also worth noting that I had a terrible father figure growing up and I think this has added to the confusion about how I view God. I use to be extremely angry at him for many things that weren't his fault, and this probably plays a role in that as well.

Needless to say I feel a lot more refreshed and less worried than I was in my original post. Here's to hoping that this won't be an on going thing for me.

Let me assure you if you are saved God is not against you. Don't give up. I love God yet the thought sometimes pops up I hate God, it is a lie and one of the spirits I battle. You can not love God some times and not others you do or you don't. I use to have a spirit which would curse the Holy Spirit every time I brought His name up. It scared me to death and made me think I was evil and damned, but after working with a church i cast it out and it never came back. It was never me saying those things.

Let me tell you how much God is not against His children. He defends us and protects us. He tells us we are the salt of the earth, the light of the world, His sons and daughters, we are His sheep. We are God's beloved creation. He loves us so much He gave his own life for us that we might live. He took our punishment for us so we might be with Him. God loves us. There is no greater love. Remember who you are with God. Pray. Try to be faithful, you will fail get up and try again, pray for God to help you. You will not lose your salvation once you have it.

Don't think you are evil because you sin, we all sin. We are no longer under the law, meaning there is no punishment but we should not break the law because it makes us easy targets for evil and something worse can happen to us. Keep on asking for forgiveness for all your sins you do, try to name them, do it every day, this will make you accountable. Know that God is helping you and reaching out you and loves you.
 
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DoubtfulSalvation

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That's kind of how I feel about loving God. Like there is this voice in my head that says "You don't love God. You're not really a christian". Yet I know none of that is true. I go to an independent fundamental baptist church and I don't think they cast out anything lol. Is this something I can do for myself, or do I have to seek someone else to help me?
 
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Goodbook

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Ok i dont know where that voice comes from but its not of God so just rebuke it.
Replace it with the truth that you have the spirit of Jesus in you and remember when Jesus got baptised? His father said 'this is my beloved son in whom I am well pleased' if you got baptised and believe you are a christian!!!

So dismiss that as a silly thought satan tries to get you to doubt.
If its still bothering you ask some elders in your church to pray for you. If they dont know about deliverance find a church or ministry that does. As christians we have the authority to cast out demons, its in the bible.

Remember perfect love casts out fear, for fear has torment.
 
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Bluelion

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That's kind of how I feel about loving God. Like there is this voice in my head that says "You don't love God. You're not really a christian". Yet I know none of that is true. I go to an independent fundamental baptist church and I don't think they cast out anything lol. Is this something I can do for myself, or do I have to seek someone else to help me?
It is hard to find help with these things now days. You have authority is Jesus name you can all ways tell it to go back from which it came in Jesus name. It is going to take work though. I worked with church 2 hours away from me for get its name but they did not want to help me but a friend was an elder of the church and yelled a them so they helped a little.

I recommend reading bondage breaker, you can read it free here http://selfdefinition.org/hearing-voices/Neil-T-Anderson-The-Bondage-Breaker.pdf

A friend turned me on to an Assemblies of God church. the pastor i found to be a man of God and very helpful and will be going to his church from now on. I don't know how all of them are but the baptist have no instruction for dealing with such things. So you will have to go out side Baptist faith. I have been looking for 3 or more years before I found this pastor i am with now. It really is discouraging that the church is not better able to handle such stuff. Just Don't give up, keep working at it.
 
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