Thank you all for the replies!
First let me say I have in fact attended many liturgies. My first was when I was in basic training for the U.S. Navy. I was in the process of being kicked out of the navy for a suicide attempt in training. They don't let you leave until you have been processed out which took me 2 1/2 months. During that time all we were allowed to do was eat, clean, and go to chapel. So since I had such an interest in Russia at the time I went to the Orthodox service which was a vespers, and I later attended a liturgy. Firstly the Fr. (whose name I cannot unfortunately recall because I would very much like to talk to him again) answered so many questions that had been bothering me for years as a southern baptist. And the service Oh the service... I realized at that moment just what every Christian in America was missing. Later at home I went to a few services at a Greek Orthodox church in my city of Charlotte. I must admit I felt a little out of place and some of the service was in Greek which later made me look for other parishes. There is an OCA parish in my area that I tried to attend and contact on multiple occasions but there services times online must be wrong because every time I was there I was all alone! I think because at this time I was so desperately wanting to be Orthodox that I became furious at the fact that things were not working out. I cannot drive right now so I am reliant on my Baptist family to take me to services which is not... Ideal. I also work on Sundays and Friday nights.
Your answers are right in the fact that I would have to let go of all my doubts, but the question is HOW. That is almost the center of the personality. I am the sarcastic, judge others for stupidity, look at everything with skepticism type. I can't even form a consistent political opinion because I am constantly questioning If my opinion is viable.
All I can say is this. I love nothing more than the Christian Religion. But I am sure most of you would agree that is completely different than loving Christ. But how can I love Christ if I don't even know what loving my own family is. I have gotten to a point where I just don't feel much affection for anyone or anything. I appreciate people, but very few would I say I love, if any.
Another thing I struggle with when I read the OT is the apparent cruelty of God. I am pretty much a hippy at heart so all the violence and bloodshed combined with words against Homosexuality etc turn me away. I just don't understand why being Gay is so wrong (I am strait). That and one could argue that the execution of the Canaanites was a genocide. I read these passages and I say how can I follow that, even though I want to be a part of the whole it is small pieces that bother me.
You are dealing with several things, and hopefully you can get answers for them.
It can be helpful to talk to an Orthodox priest about the apparent cruelty of God in the OT. I once struggled with that myself. The real picture of God revealed to us is in the Person of Jesus Christ. Where God in Scripture seems opposed to Christ, we can be sure that we have a misunderstanding of who God is.
Specifically, remember Christ and the woman brought to Him, caught in the act of adultery, which was so serious she should have been stoned to death. Christ defended her instead, and told her that He did not condemn her (but He did tell her to go and sin no more). And the Samaritan woman, who was likely an outcast from society because she had had five husbands, and currently had a man without being married to him. He had a theological discussion with this woman, and through her reached out to her entire village (who were all supposed to be pariahs to the Jews anyway).
Understanding sin from the Orthodox point of view is very helpful too. The more legal mindset often tends to see God as either punishing wrongdoing, or preventing "fun", or both. But rather we understand the damage sin does to us, like a sickness, or a poison. God wants to prevent us harming ourselves, and to heal us.
But I will also say, regarding same-sex attraction, Orthodoxy has a much less condemning and much more reasonable understanding of the issue, being more concerned with our various tendencies and how we might respond to them and what the results will be, rather than the mindset I see in many other Christian groups, who seem to see same-sex attraction as some special class of especially condemning sin.
I would second the advice that perhaps the priest can help you arrange a ride. There are probably many who would appreciate the chance to offer help, because we seek ways to help one another in love.
I'm not sure about the OCA with wrong service times. Especially on Sunday, but really every service we have, people tend to show up early, and stay to socialize after, so if nobody at all is there, that's really odd ... I wonder if they've lost their priest and are having to have one visit, or something else very unusual?
Reading anti-Christian writers is probably one of the worst things a person in confusion could do, and if there is any desire at all to seek Christ, should probably be avoided like a deadly poison for now.
And "feelings" of love can be quite ... confusing. I can't say if it is the same, but I once went through a period of very similar-sounding angst. At the time, I realized that what I experienced as "love" was really selfishness in some degree, in every case. I didn't love anyone unconditionally. I enjoyed how they made me feel, or liked how they treated me, etc. but there was nothing of purely selfless love in me at that time. It was quite a shock. I remember it very vividly, though it was a long time ago.
In a way, I think love of Christ must come first before we can selflessly and truly love others. Part of the problem, in my case, is that what I was "missing" was really something that only God could give me. And I think it is necessary to really receive that kind of love before we become able to give it to others.
I don't know if that resonates with you at all. But I'm confident that if you are feeling this drawing, then what you need for a foundation is there. It can be a bumpy ride, but if you persevere and cooperate with God, He will bring you through to faith in whatever way is best for you.
God be with you.
