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He would be 18 now if I'd let him live
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Still praying and with you on this New Creation. God bless you for getting the ball rolling here!
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New Creation thank you for sharing. I have two children from abortions who would now be 26 and 22, so my heart goes out to any one who has shared our pain. For twenty years I turned my back on Christ, figuring He would never accept me again. And one mistake led to many more, much shame, denial, burying the pain. But just like you, I think my children brought me home to Him. I wish I could reach out and give you a hug.
My favorite scripture passage is Luke 7:36-50, the sinful woman who has been forgiven much and thus loves much. What an amazing God who would allow us to fill the wretched hole that we've created with His sweet loving presence! Less of me, more of Him, right?
Some people have asked if you've had any outside help? I attended a Rachel's Vineyard retreat several years ago, and have since helped on some more retreats. I know there are other ones out there as well. You can't imagine the healing you can receive when you are surrounded by people who have been there too, who can cry with each other, mourn our children, NAME our children (oh, who could imagine I could name my boys? James and Paul!) and reach out to the Lord who has never turned His back on us.
I would really encourage you to find something like this. Rachel's Vineyard retreats are around the world now, and I'm sure there are others. Find one that is centered on Christ, and rejoice in the healing He is dying to give you, that He died to give you.
May God bless you and keep you,
In Christ's love,
amy
My favorite scripture passage is Luke 7:36-50, the sinful woman who has been forgiven much and thus loves much. What an amazing God who would allow us to fill the wretched hole that we've created with His sweet loving presence! Less of me, more of Him, right?
Some people have asked if you've had any outside help? I attended a Rachel's Vineyard retreat several years ago, and have since helped on some more retreats. I know there are other ones out there as well. You can't imagine the healing you can receive when you are surrounded by people who have been there too, who can cry with each other, mourn our children, NAME our children (oh, who could imagine I could name my boys? James and Paul!) and reach out to the Lord who has never turned His back on us.
I would really encourage you to find something like this. Rachel's Vineyard retreats are around the world now, and I'm sure there are others. Find one that is centered on Christ, and rejoice in the healing He is dying to give you, that He died to give you.
May God bless you and keep you,
In Christ's love,
amy
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ProCommunioneFacior
I'm an ultra-traditionalist, run for your life ;)
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New Creation,
My heart cries out to the Lord for you. I pray that you may continue to discover His healing and mercy. To share this about yourself is deeply moving and truly commendable. You can be assured of my prayers.
Also congratulations on your marriage, may it be a great source of joy, sanctity, and strength for you.
God bless!
My heart cries out to the Lord for you. I pray that you may continue to discover His healing and mercy. To share this about yourself is deeply moving and truly commendable. You can be assured of my prayers.
Also congratulations on your marriage, may it be a great source of joy, sanctity, and strength for you.
God bless!
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Maggie893
It is what it is.
New Creation,
What a perfect name for you! Clearly your newly formed soul shines out in your post.
I have experienced much of what you have. I also agree with others on getting together with someone locally to talk these things out, plan a memorial. I also have attended a Rachel's Vineyard retreat and found much healing. There is much more to be done I'm afraid but as you said, "I wish I hadn't done it". Unfortunately we can't go back but with Christ we can go forward.
Certainly my children in heaven are the reason I know Christ at all. Standing on the precipice of suicide, unable to understand my depression, it was only Christ who could break through. Before Christ I believed abortion had to be ok. If it wasn't then how could I look at myself in a mirror? Once I met Jesus and understood, received His grace, only then could I honestly look in the mirror.
Commit to long term healing in whatever form you can find. As for future children, be at peace. God doesn't look at who "deserves" children, His plan is much bigger. Please know that you are in my prayers. You have broken through to many here and many will follow your lead. Thank you for sharing your heart and know that God is using you in the midst of all the pain. What an awesome God we serve!
What a perfect name for you! Clearly your newly formed soul shines out in your post.
I have experienced much of what you have. I also agree with others on getting together with someone locally to talk these things out, plan a memorial. I also have attended a Rachel's Vineyard retreat and found much healing. There is much more to be done I'm afraid but as you said, "I wish I hadn't done it". Unfortunately we can't go back but with Christ we can go forward.
Certainly my children in heaven are the reason I know Christ at all. Standing on the precipice of suicide, unable to understand my depression, it was only Christ who could break through. Before Christ I believed abortion had to be ok. If it wasn't then how could I look at myself in a mirror? Once I met Jesus and understood, received His grace, only then could I honestly look in the mirror.
Commit to long term healing in whatever form you can find. As for future children, be at peace. God doesn't look at who "deserves" children, His plan is much bigger. Please know that you are in my prayers. You have broken through to many here and many will follow your lead. Thank you for sharing your heart and know that God is using you in the midst of all the pain. What an awesome God we serve!
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I only just read your thread about your son or daughter that would be 18 now.. My thoughts on this is that I think GOD had plans for you to do this or you wouldn't have done it. I think that maybe something might have been wrong ( medically ) or maybe something in your life was coming up that didn't include the baby. That's how I look at this situation..I lost a child and a grandchild. The granchild that I lost came to me in my dreams! ( I'm not crazy by the way) She was beautiful. Blonde hair..I kept hugging this child in my dreams almost evry night. She never talked only laughed and smiled!!! Then I said good bye to her one night and she talked!! SHe said " good-bye grandma ". I couldn't believe it!! That's how I found out who she was..I hurried up and called my son and told him..I have never seen her since. BUT< I have a peace now about it. I know there was a reason. I may never know what it is or was but, I know it was GOD"S doing.. Maybe that will help you..Think of this as GOD sort of helping you to make that decision..I honestly believe he was there holding your hand..Please don't beat yourself up about this!! It's been a long time know..Time to talk to GOD about it and then give it up to him..You will find peace sooner than you htink! DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF!! GOD IS ALWAYS THERE HELPING YOU! There was or is a lesson for you to learn..Think about it a differnt way!! I'll pray for you to find the peace that you so deserve! GOD BLESS YOU ALWAYS!!!! Zita123
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Hmmm, I'm not so sure about this....Zita123 said:
Romas 8 assures us that we are never, can never be outside of God's love--no matter how we reject him, no matter how we sin. But we cannot say that God was holding our hand, helping us sin. I don't mean this in a way to make anyone feel bad--- as I am right up there among the greatest sinners of all time- but God doesn't give us assistance to sin, rather the freedom to do so.
To me- this is an AWESOME thing- because it demonstrates His immense love for us and the dignity we each have as His precious children. He doesn't force us to love Him, nor to never make mistakes. He allows us, as the perfect Parent, to step out on our own and fail while never, ever loving us any less. I always think of Mary Magdalene- how she loved so greatly, because she had been forgiven so much. She was one of the only ones to endure at the foot of the Cross.
God's love for each of His broken little daughters and sons is immeasurable and unending-- and no matter how we, in our brokeness, try to escape that love we cannot! He does, however tell us, that when we love Him back that He will use ALL things ( even our greatest mistakes) for our very, very best!
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Zita123,Zita123 said:
I totally understand where you are coming from, as that is what I told myself for years. But I came to feel that while God might have had other plans for me before I engaged in sexual behavior, once I made that choice and conceived the child, He never would have wanted me to end his life.
Yes, God was with me the whole time, He never left me. But had I been listening I think He'd have been saying something like "Beloved, trust me. I can help you through this, this child is mine, just as you are, If I want to bring him back to me, I will do so, but please don't make this choice, please don't do this to yourself" Unfortunately I didn't listen then, and because of it, I didn't listen to Him for 22 years after that.
I did eventually begin to blame myself (or to finally recognize the blame I was always putting there) but that was a good thing. By finally recognizing and accepting that I had done something wrong, I could finally, finally open myself up to His healing love! And believe me His healing love is far more satisfying than the denial and shame I tortured myself with for 22 years! Yes I did something terribly wrong, but He loves me anyway. His love is so incredibly deep, He has cried tears for me until I finally turned to Him and recognized that love.
Admitting I did wrong and accepting His forgiveness was the biggest sigh of relief I ever experienced. It had hung over me for so long as I tried to rationalize and justify, always knowing in my heart that something didn't ring true.
Sorry, long story, of course, there's much more. I treasure your beautiful intentions above, they show a love of Christ and of your neighbor that is transcendent. Your very kind heart is quite evident. I can't speak to anyone else, but I just know that for me, admitting that my choice of abortion was wrong was the first step in authentically accepting His love and forgiveness.
In Christ,
amy
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Maggie893
It is what it is.
You can speak for me as well. The years of denial were so self-destructive It's amazing that I lived through it. Justifying my behavior and trying to believe it was ok was killing me inside. I am convinced that God has built us to do His will, when we veer from that we become disordered in many ways. Jesus said, "Know the truth and the truth will set you free." I found freedom when I admitted that sin was sin and I was in it. In Christ there is no fear or condemnation, just Love. When we confess, acknowledge, our sin for what it is, we are then able to receive the Love that our sin has been blocking. Fear of admitting truth is not of God, fear is Satan's tool that binds.ames61 said:
I pray that all people will let go, surrender their own beliefs and embrace that Truth and freedom that Christ offers us.
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Ironic, isn't it. We turn from Christ because we fear condemnation for our actions, which would be just. Instead we find condemnation in our selves and in our hearts. We nail ourselves to the cross over and over again. Until we turn to Him and find Him saying "no. I was nailed to the cross so that you would not need to be." Oy.Maggie893 said:
I've come to believe that denial is when we allow satan to hijack our memories and rationalization is when we allow him to hijack our intellects. The last thing he wants is for us to empty ourselves before the cross and he will do anything in his power to keep us from that surrender.
Thank you to Erwin for opening this forum and to New Creation for starting this thread.
Blessings to you all,
amy
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There is so much wisdom in this thread it would take me all day to respond to each beautiful nugget of truth.
Particular thanks to Ames61 and Maggie893 who suggested the Rachel's Vineyard retreat. I actually called one this morning and there is a retreat not too far from me in Washington state on May 20-22. It is full right now but the amazing lady Valerie that I spoke to and cried to on the phone for 45 minutes said that she would put me on the waiting list in case someone dropped out and that there was an extra cot so they might be able to take me. The next retreat is not until July and it is a full day's drive away. I think that God wants me at this one coming up. I hope so.
It's so weird, so much is coming to me now, the fact that ames and maggie also credit their children with bringing them to Christ- could there be a more noble reason for existence, even if they did not manifest on the earth?
I have always had a name for him in my secret heart and his name is Lance. It reminds me of Sir Lancelot; a gallant, valiant name for my little knight.
Thank you Amy for sharing your boys' names with us. James and Paul. Beautiful names.
I am so overwhelmed at the love in this thread. I have never experienced anything like it. I know that the prayers are helping. God is so good. SO good!
It's funny, I wrote my letter to Lance and prayers to God back on Dec. 2, had a bit of a breakthrough, and then promptly forgot about it in my preparations for my wedding. And I was wondering why it was all happening now instead of earlier. But it's because our Father is so loving, so attentive to the perfect details of life. God didn't want me to take on this emotional behemoth at a time of becoming ready to be a wife. Now that there has been some distance, He knows that now is the time. I praise Him in awe.
Particular thanks to Ames61 and Maggie893 who suggested the Rachel's Vineyard retreat. I actually called one this morning and there is a retreat not too far from me in Washington state on May 20-22. It is full right now but the amazing lady Valerie that I spoke to and cried to on the phone for 45 minutes said that she would put me on the waiting list in case someone dropped out and that there was an extra cot so they might be able to take me. The next retreat is not until July and it is a full day's drive away. I think that God wants me at this one coming up. I hope so.
It's so weird, so much is coming to me now, the fact that ames and maggie also credit their children with bringing them to Christ- could there be a more noble reason for existence, even if they did not manifest on the earth?
I have always had a name for him in my secret heart and his name is Lance. It reminds me of Sir Lancelot; a gallant, valiant name for my little knight.
Thank you Amy for sharing your boys' names with us. James and Paul. Beautiful names.
I am so overwhelmed at the love in this thread. I have never experienced anything like it. I know that the prayers are helping. God is so good. SO good!
It's funny, I wrote my letter to Lance and prayers to God back on Dec. 2, had a bit of a breakthrough, and then promptly forgot about it in my preparations for my wedding. And I was wondering why it was all happening now instead of earlier. But it's because our Father is so loving, so attentive to the perfect details of life. God didn't want me to take on this emotional behemoth at a time of becoming ready to be a wife. Now that there has been some distance, He knows that now is the time. I praise Him in awe.
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We'll pray for that. The Holy Spirit moves pretty powerfully when He wants to, so if He wants you there, He'll get you there. I've been very blessed by Rachel's Vineyard, and amazed at the loving people He calls to minister to us through RV. God is very good.New Creation said:
Okay, now I'm in tears. That is so profound!New Creation said:
I'm amazed you've named him. It had never occured to me before the retreat. James is after my maternal grandfather, Paul is after St. Paul, my patron saint. I picture James (who would be 26) as tall and a bit gangly, very gregarious, a friend to all, and Paul (who would be 22)as a sparkplug of a man, very intense, on fire for the faith. Of course they're with God, so of course they'd be on fire for the faith.New Creation said:
New Creation said:I am so overwhelmed at the love in this thread. I have never experienced anything like it. I know that the prayers are helping. God is so good. SO good!
It's funny, I wrote my letter to Lance and prayers to God back on Dec. 2, had a bit of a breakthrough, and then promptly forgot about it in my preparations for my wedding. And I was wondering why it was all happening now instead of earlier. But it's because our Father is so loving, so attentive to the perfect details of life. God didn't want me to take on this emotional behemoth at a time of becoming ready to be a wife. Now that there has been some distance, He knows that now is the time. I praise Him in awe.
His timing is impeccable, and yes the love that surrounds us is unfathomable. Both from God and from His servants here on earth. I have been so blessed by the people He surrounds me with, both physcially and in cyberland. Interesting note on the timing, I think I joined christian forums on or about the day this forum was created. Hmm.
In Christ,
Amy
Luke 7:36-50
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I think you are feeling so so bad now.. I think u misses ur kid.. cos you still remember how old he will be now...
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New Creation said:
I don't think I need to go anymore actually. At least, not now. The lady I spoke to at Rachel's vineyard was really helpful to me today. I don't need to go to a strange place to say goodbye to my son. I want to do it at home.
Today, my husband and I really spoke about all of this today. I told him where I have been in my head and in my heart this week. I told him that I wanted Lance to be acknowledged. I told him all of my thoughts and feelings. Near the end of our conversation, I said "And one day, I'll see him in heaven and we will be together and love each other. And you will love him too."
And Lloyd said "I already do babe."
I just about lost it.
That was one of the things I needed. To make sure that LLoyd knew that Lance would always be my first child. And that he deserved acknowledgement in OUR family.
I can't tell you folks how blessed I feel right now. I really can't. I feel lighter. I know that my son LOVES me.
Isn't that amazing?
And it is because Jesus loved me first.
I have no words.
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ladyhawk
Hawky To My Friends
New Creation said:
I'm so pleased that you have had a chat about where you are on this, you needed to talk to each other and that he has said to you that he loves "Lance".You needed to hear this from him, it will help to heal you both.
You are both in my thoughts and prays
and hope soon you will have good news for us all.
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I meant holding your hand while doing what you did. You needed him at that time and yes, it was your decision but,like you said, HE has HIS undying love for us! I honestly wouldn't call doing that " a failure " You had your reasons and I'm sure you prayed through those reasons. That's why I said GOD was there holding your hand. You need to forgive yourself so GOD can ! MAY GOD BLESS YOU ALWAYS!!
Praying for you! Zita123
Praying for you! Zita123
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