Or she.
I was 17 years old when I had my baby aborted and it still hurts almost 19 years later.
I had a really messy adolescence and I still remember these words from my father to this day..."My first grandchild, an abortion." There was no offer to help me with the baby though. There was never any talk of how we could let the child live. No. It was only the last straw. My parents threw me out of the house and less than a month later I was stripping for a living and starting my career as an alcoholic.
I have Christ now and we have done some work on this, but not really a lot. It's such a deep wound. I don't like to call it an issue. It's not an issue. It's me and my child. The child I never let live.
I have a long ways to go. Only heaven will completely heal me.
When my sister announced that she was pregnant two years ago, I literally screamed for joy and embraced her. I was so happy for her especially since she'd always said she never wanted children. My father was ecstatic.
But later that night, alone, jealousy set in. That was the last time I drank btw.
An old friend from my old life went out drinking one night and wound up pregnant, not sure who the dad is. She drank and smoked pot during the pregnancy and now, thankfully, she has a healthy little baby boy and a new lease on life. I must admit, there is some jealousy there too. And a little self righteousness eh?
A month ago, my brother's wife told us that she was pregnant. I guess you could say it was a shock. To be completely honest, it was hard for me to find joy though I think I faked it pretty well. It was jealousy again. And it was the week of my wedding when they announced it so I also felt like they stole some of our thunder. I know, selfish and petty. Still the way I felt. I'm trying to be honest here.
One thing that hurts me is that no one, not even me, talks about the first grandchild in heaven. This child is partially responsible for leading me to Christ, 16 years after his/her death. It's not fair that this child doesn't even get mentioned. I wonder sometimes- does my dad even remember?
I should mention that I am the oldest of the three kids and the irony of me having the first pregnancy but the last child is not lost on me.
Oh and by the way- that's the thing. Who says I'll ever have a child? Why should I get a child? Why would God give me another after the callous, murderous way I treated the first? This is one of my fears. I'm going on 37 and I am childless. I am married less than a month and oh Lord, I really want to have a baby. Is it in God's plan for me? I don't know. Do I deserve it? I really don't know. Why am I even writing here? I don't know. I was just drawn here I guess.
My baby deserves to have some attention. He deserves some love. I know he is with Jesus so he has more love than anyone on earth right now, thank you Lord for receiving my child.
Last year I encouraged my best friend to have a memorial service for her aborted baby, but I have never done anything of the sort for mine. Maybe I should. I don't know. I don't know anything. This is still such a dark place for me- you just don't want to go there sometimes, you know? Has anyone ever been healed of this before Heaven? What does it feel like?
I wish my dad would acknowledge the grandchild in a way that he never did before. I wish I never did it. I wish I could know my baby's spirit and I wish for forgiveness from my baby even though there's no reason in the world I deserve it. What gall! Asking forgiveness from the one I killed. I am so grateful and incredulous that my Lord would forgive me for one of the most heinous acts on the planet. Is it any wonder I punished myself with self-hatred for almost 16 years? But is that any way to pay tribute to the one who is gone? No he deserves better than that. And perhaps I can do better for him and BY him.
There seems to be no point to this post really. Just an acknowledgement of a person who never had a chance.
Please pray for me.
Pray that I will find joy for my siblings. Please pray that my bitterness will be healed. And dare I say...please pray for my husband and I to be blessed with a child.
