My question ultimately concerns falling away from Christ due to repeated sin issues. I'm curious if Matthew 13:7, Romans 8:13 and James 1:15 connect and describe what has happened to me in my loss of relationship, unrenewal of mind and hardened heart. My questions while reading the following are:
1. Will sin kill a believer spiritually that they will ultimately lose Christ?
2. I what I'm experiencing a sign that I was never a believer and, even though I had know Christ and grown in him for 16 years, that I was not a believer? That the Word was choked out of me because of my sin?
I'll start from the beginning to try and make everything as clear as possible. Sorry if this is super long.
I grew up in a Christian household and had a false conversion experience when I was around 5. One where I aimed to please my parents but there was no change in my heart or life. Fast forward to when I was 10. I went to a multi-day retreat with my youth group and was convicted that my previous confession was not true and that I did not know Christ. I responded to the gospel and saw a change in my desires and heart. A hatred for sin and a desire to live for Christ. Shortly there after I was exposed to inappropriate contentography for the first time. The behavior got out of hand and I eventually became addicted. I would become highly irritable or physically nauseous if I was not able to view inappropriate contentography that day. Eventually my parents discovered what was going on and removed the internet from my access. I saw a renewal in my relationship with Christ within the following years. A renewed desire for him. Desire to be in his Word. A desire to resist sin and follow him.
This continued up until college where, after a breakup, I became depressed, isolated and turned back to inappropriate contentography to medicate. Eventually, after a year or so, the Lord brought me to repentance and I found renewed spiritual growth and desire for him again. I found a good community of guys pursuing Christ at my church that pushed one another to follow Christ. The Lord grew in me a heart for evangelism and missions over the course of those few years.
However, once I graduated from college, I was unable to find a job and had to move back in with my parents in my old hometown. I lost my church and community and was unable to find another community that seemed to be serious about serving Christ. Once again, I became depressed and lonely turning to inappropriate contentography again to medicate. The addiction became full blown again for years. Constantly being convicted by the Spirit to repent and hearing the Lord's voice in the matter through the Word. Repentance was off and on. Repenting well at some points but being isolated and continuing to fall back into sin. It was a constant struggle and I hated myself for being involved in this sin. I could see that it was affecting my relationship with Christ but I was seemingly powerless to stop the behavior. I was talking to my mentor who was the missions pastor at my church about going to seminary, as I had felt in the past that the Lord was leading me to missions. He encouraged me to go knowing that I was struggling with sexual sin. I was also teaching a weekly Bible study at the time.
Two years ago, after my first semester of seminary I had fallen to sexual temptation and viewed inappropriate contentography that night but something terrifying happened. I felt no conviction or remorse. Just totally empty and unfeeling. It scared me half to death. My heart felt so hard and unfeeling. This terrified me in my mind but not in my heart. It just felt dull and numb. The next day I was off work so I spent the whole day seeking the Lord and trying to figure out what had happened. My heart felt uncaring and unrepentant. At one point that morning I remember feeling something being torn out of my heart and feeling as though there was a void in my heart. That place where I used to go in the depths of my heart to humble myself and draw near to Christ was inaccessible now. I couldn't feel the brokenness or godly sorrow I once felt about my sin. I felt completely stripped of the joy of knowing Christ replaced with tangible feelings of terror, separation and confusion. I went to the Word to spend time with the Lord and it was like someone had turned out the lights. My eyes looked over the passages that I had read and underlined so many times and they made no sense. I remember thinking, "This looks so stupid. Why does anyone believe this?" 1 Corinthians 1:18 immediately popped into my mind. This sent me spiraling. Non stop panic attacks. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't think straight. I spent days and nights crying out to the Lord that he would not take the Spirit from me and that he would allow me to return to relationship with him. I saw a stark change in my mind and heart over that time. Not only did the Word no longer make sense or resonate with my heart, I couldn't remember who the Lord was. I couldn't remember my life with the Lord, what he had done in my life or why I had been confident I was a believer. I couldn't remember why I loved God or why I should worship him. I couldn't even remember my testimony. My past with the Lord was hazy and felt like thinking back to a dream. It was as though, in a moment, my faith dried up. I remember crying out over and over again, "Lord, please don't do this." I knew I had not desired to be separated from Christ but it intensely seemed to be so. I didn't know what I believed anymore and the things I still knew felt false. I cried out to the Lord, but my heart was so hard my repentance didn't feel real. I wasn't really broken. Even my fear was no longer of being separated from God, but of condemnation. My heart had become extremely resistant to the Lord and I felt extreme rage toward him. There was no love for the Lord in my heart anymore. (And even 2 years later, I see no movement of the Spirit, no change in heart or anything. I don't see the Lord rearranging my heart and moving my desires. Just deadness in my heart.)
This sent me spiraling even harder. I began meeting with close brothers in Christ and explaining the situation confessing what I had done. However, nothing changed. I eventually got the idea that I had become apostate and that there was no way to return to Christ or that I had become like Esau and was unable to repent. Then the thought, "If there's no hope of restoration, and I'm doomed to hell, I should go now while I only have 20 something years of sin to pay for than wait until I'm 60 and have 60 years of sinning to pay for." At this point I was seeing Christian therapists who were also trying to walk me through this time. Eventually, things hit super rock bottom and my psychologist said that I needed to check into a mental institution and go under suicide watch. My time there was filled with all the same. Not sleeping, barely eating and panic attacks. Strangely enough, I ran into a woman who was also a patient there that was leading a Bible study each night before bed. She was a pastor's wife who had also had a mental breakdown. I explained my situation and she said she believed I had not yet lost my salvation. Eventually, I was released and have continued to struggle with the reality of what I'm experiencing. Three things have kept me from completely losing hope and going through with it thus far:
1. Shortly after everything began, I was at church listening to the sermon lost in my thoughts of being condemned and begging that the Lord would restore me when I momentarily snapped out of it and heard the pastor say, "Do not fear the new thing that the Lord is doing." I remember it resonated with my heart much like how the the Lord would speak to me through the Word or through teaching.
2. I was on the phone with my mom one night rambling on about what was going on when she said, "You need to return to your first love." My heart reacted again deeply to that.
3. Then finally the pastor's wife in the mental hospital feeling as though I had not lost my salvation.
I'm just not sure what to do anymore. It's been 2 years and I still feel completely cut off from Christ, with a heart that doesn't understand why sin is such a big deal and that isn't broken over sin. I see so clearly how my life is not longer like it was when I knew Christ. I see how deeply my desires have changed from desiring Christ to desiring nothing. My heart doesn't cry out for Christ and I don't hunger for the Word. My faith feels nonexistent. I know the truth is true because I experienced life with Christ. I have known him and walked with him. But that is clearly not the case anymore. I'm fearful that, as I feel he's slowly slipping away from me, that I will forget him completely. I'm not sure if he will hold me or not due to my sin.
What do I do when I wake up and I don't feel like this is a big deal anymore? Am I like Esau? What is my response now?Is suicide my only option? What else is there for me if not Christ? What must I do that I might taste true brokenness over sin and repentance that I might know Christ personally again? What is life without Christ?
What do I practically do now? What does my daily walk look like now. Time in the Word and in prayer is seemingly unprofitable. My heart isn't changing.
If you made it this far, thanks for reading. Sorry for any rambling. I know I've asked a lot a written a lot.
