Has my sin killed me spiritually? Loss of salvation

[renniks]

Ignore the people taking over your thread to argue about whether or not one can lost their salvation, and deal with the root cause of your separation from God.
There is something that drives you to sin, and it's not just that you are a sinful human being. Habitual sin is a sign that something in you that is broken has never been dealt with.
And this is just advice from some Dude on the internet, so take it for what it's worth, but I find that if you ask God what the deeper issue is, he will show you sooner or later. That is what you need to renounce, not just the sin, but the agreement you made with yourself and the enemy that causes the sin.

 

[JLB777]

I haven't shared my opinion. I share the truth.


I've already explained the Greek word "apietho" and what it means.

Your repeated quoting of the verse also doesn't change its meaning to what you would prefer it to mean. It means "refuse to be persuaded".

Yeah, we all see your “explanation”.


You have already exposed your demonic doctrine of disobedience.


Only those who obey Jesus Christ as Lord, will receive everlasting salvation.


And having been perfected, He became the author of eternal salvation to all who obey Him, Hebrews 5:9


He who says, “I know Him,” and does not keep His commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But whoever keeps His word, truly the love of God is perfected in him. By this we know that we are in Him. 1 John 2:4-5


He who says, “I know Him,” and does not keep His commandments, is a liar,


Jesus Christ is Lord.


You either obey Him, or your obey Satan.


Your Lord is the one you obey.


You are promoting “demonic believing”, which is believing in God but obeying Satan.


You believe that there is one God. You do well. Even the
demons believe—and tremble! James 2:19





JLB

 

[FreeGrace2]

You have already exposed your demonic doctrine of disobedience.

If you can actually point out where I esposed any kind of "doctrine of disobeidence", then please show me. Otherwise, please keep your silly opinions to yourself.

Salvation is ONLY by GRACE through FAITH, and NOT of works. But it seems you routinely overlook what the Bible says about salvation.

You think you're going to obey yourself into heaven. yeah. That's exactly what the crowd in Matt 7:21-23 thought, too.

So, what did Jesus tell them? "I NEVER knew you". He couldn't say that to anyone who ever had believed in Him for salvation.

Only those who obey Jesus Christ as Lord, will receive everlasting salvation.

Here is a DIRECT CHALLENGE to your opinion. Prove it from Scripture.

And having been perfected, He became the author of eternal salvation to all who obey Him, Hebrews 5:9

Well, well. You only think this proves your opinion. Where does this verse say anything about obeying Jesus "as Lord"? It doesn't.

So your opinion is still bogus. Unbiblical.

The issue of obeying the Lord Jesus Christ comes AFTER one has trusted in Christ as Savior.

Why else would Peter tell believers -
" But in your hearts sanctify Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect," 1 Pet 3:15

He who says, “I know Him,” and does not keep His commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But whoever keeps His word, truly the love of God is perfected in him. By this we know that we are in Him. 1 John 2:4-5

These verses are totally true and have NOTHING to do with your opinions.

Believers can be VERY IGNORANT. That's why Paul used the phrase "I don't want you to be ignorant, brethren" 4 times in his epistles. Because they WERE ignorant.

He who says, “I know Him,” and does not keep His commandments, is a liar,

Jesus Christ is Lord.

Yes, He most certainly IS. And Peter commands believers to set Him apart AS Lord.

You either obey Him, or your obey Satan.

You've again got no evidence from Scripture. Paul taught clearly in Romans 6 that the believer either obeys sin (from one's own sin nature) or they obey God.

Your Lord is the one you obey.

The One believers are supposed to obey, and sanctify. But the ignorant ones don't.

You are promoting “demonic believing”, which is believing in God but obeying Satan.

Your claim is totally delirious.

You believe that there is one God. You do well. Even the
demons believe—and tremble! James 2:19

Do you even have any idea what James was getting at in that verse? I doubt it.

No unbeliever can ever obey the Lord. They don't have it in them. By that, I'm referring to the Holy Spirit.

So you are promoting a phony salvation by works, obedience. No different than the Pharisees of Jesus' day.

And Jesus told them this:
21 Once more Jesus said to them, “I am going away, and you will look for me, and you will die in your sin. Where I go, you cannot come.”

24 I told you that you would die in your sins; if you do not believe that I am he, you will indeed die in your sins.”

The red words are the result of the Pharisee works based religion; they will die in their sins. Not a good thing.

The purple word "if" is a conditional clause about cause and effect.

The blue words are the CAUSE of dying in their sin.

The green words are the RESULT of NOT believing in Christ for salvation.

At least now you see what Scripture says about your theology.

 

[JLB777]

Salvation is ONLY by GRACE through FAITH, and NOT of works. But it seems you routinely overlook what the Bible says about salvation.

Since I’m quoting verses that pertain to salvation, its easy to see your deception.



And having been perfected, He became the author of eternal salvation to all who obey Him, Hebrews 5:9


You are promoting a doctrine of demons, that says we don’t need to obey Jesus Christ to receive eternal salvation.





JLB

 

[FreeGrace2]

Since I’m quoting verses that pertain to salvation, its easy to see your deception.

The glaring problem is that they don't mean what you think they mean.

And having been perfected, He became the author of eternal salvation to all who obey Him, Hebrews 5:9


You are promoting a doctrine of demons, that says we don’t need to obey Jesus Christ to receive eternal salvation.

It's Satan who wants believers to feel insecure in their salvation and think they need to keep doing something to keep it.

So, the "doctrine of demons" describes what you teach.

 

[JLB777]

The glaring problem is that they don't mean what you think they mean.


It's Satan who wants believers to feel insecure in their salvation and think they need to keep doing something to keep it.

So, the "doctrine of demons" describes what you teach.

And having been perfected, He became the author of eternal salvation to all who obey Him, Hebrews 5:9



Those who desire to remain “in Christ” should take heed to the instructions of the Holy Spirit.



Now he who keeps His commandments abides in Him, and He in him. And by this we know that He abides in us, by the Spirit whom He has given us. 1 John 3:24




JLB

 

[FreeGrace2]

And having been perfected, He became the author of eternal salvation to all who obey Him, Hebrews 5:9

Why bother quoting a verse that you do not even understand?

Those who desire to remain “in Christ” should take heed to the instructions of the Holy Spirit.

"desire to remain"? As if anyone who has been placed IN Christ via the sealing ministry of the Holy Spirit can be, or has been?

Where is your evidence for such a fantasy? It doesn't exist.

I'll let the apostle Paul refute your opinion.

Eph 1:13,14
13 And you also were included in Christ when you heard the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation. When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit,
14 who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession—to the praise of his glory.

How is a person "included IN Christ"? The red words tell us how specifically. Through belief in Christ.

What is the mechanism for being "included IN Christ"? The blue words explain the mechanism. Being "marked IN HIM with a seal, the Holy Spirit

What is the function of this "seal"? The green words explain that the Holy Spirit is a deposit, which GUARANTEES the inheritance of those who believed.

What is the time frame of this deposit which GUARANTEES our inheritance? The purple words explain WHEN: until the redemption of believers, who are described as God's possession.

This is a direct statement of eternal security. And notice the tense for those sealed: "believED". It doesn't say "as long as you continue to believe", which is how Arminians try to abuse the present tense. So Paul cut the Arminians off at the pass by using the aorist tense, which is used as the past tense.

As long as a person HAS believed, they are ALWAYS sealed. Or, OSAS.
Once Saved, Always Saved.

Now he who keeps His commandments abides in Him, and He in him. And by this we know that He abides in us, by the Spirit whom He has given us. 1 John 3:24

John understood what Jesus meant by "abide" because John, unlike yourself, was present when Jesus spoke the words of John 15:1-7 and used 'abiding' as a reciprocal relationship, with the point being bearing fruit, not how to get saved, or how to keep saved.

 

[JLB777]

desire to remain"? As if anyone who has been placed IN Christ via the sealing ministry of the Holy Spirit can be, or has been?

Where is your evidence for such a fantasy? It doesn't exist.

All a person needs to do, to understand how to remain “in Christ”, is to believe His word.


Now he who keeps His commandments abides in Him, and He in him. And by this we know that He abides in us, by the Spirit whom He has given us. 1 John 3:24

• Now he who keeps His commandments abides in Him

Your claim that one doesn’t need to obey the Lord, or obey His commandments is not biblical.



JLB

 

[FreeGrace2]

All a person needs to do, to understand how to remain “in Christ”, is to believe His word.

Once again, your claim is not supported by Scripture.

To be "in Christ" means to be sealed with the Holy Spirit.

Eph 1:13,14
Eph 1:13,14
13 And you also were included in Christ when you heard the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation. When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit,
14 who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession—to the praise of his glory.

How is a person "included IN Christ"? The red words tell us how specifically. Through belief in Christ.

What is the mechanism for being "included IN Christ"? The blue words explain the mechanism. Being "marked IN HIM with a seal, the Holy Spirit

What is the function of this "seal"? The green words explain that the Holy Spirit is a deposit, which GUARANTEES the inheritance of those who believed.

What is the time frame of this deposit which GUARANTEES our inheritance? The purple words explain WHEN: until the redemption of believers, who are described as God's possession.

This is a direct statement of eternal security. And notice the tense for those sealed: "believED". It doesn't say "as long as you continue to believe", which is how Arminians try to abuse the present tense. So Paul cut the Arminians off at the pass by using the aorist tense, which is used as the past tense.

As long as a person HAS believed, they are ALWAYS sealed. Or, OSAS.
Once Saved, Always Saved.

Your claim that one doesn’t need to obey the Lord, or obey His commandments is not biblical.

Once again, your claim (opinion) is wrong.

I've NEVER said that a person "doesn't need to obey the Lord". That is a blatant LIE.

I have REPEATEDLY said that believers MUST obey the Lord in order to be blessed in time, and rewarded in eternity.

Those who know what I've been posted for almost 2 decades know that your statement is totally untrue.

So, it seems you are just being deceptive.

And, according to your own theology, those involved in unrepentant sin have lost their salvation.

You may want to rethink your actions.

 

[JLB777]

Once again, your claim is not supported by Scripture.

Can you read?

Denying the truth won’t make it go away.


The Bible plainly says ...

• he who keeps His commandments abides in Him

Now he who keeps His commandments abides in Him, and He in him. And by this we know that He abides in us, by the Spirit whom He has given us. 1 John 3:24



Your claim that one doesn’t need to obey the Lord, or obey His commandments is not biblical.



JLB

 

[FreeGrace2]

Can you read?

Of course. But why can't you understand the extremely clear words of Jesus about recipients of eternal life; that they shall never perish.

Denying the truth won’t make it go away.

And, you should stop it immediately.

The Bible plainly says ...

• he who keeps His commandments abides in Him

Right.

Now he who keeps His commandments abides in Him, and He in him. And by this we know that He abides in us, by the Spirit whom He has given us. 1 John 3:24

Why don't you understand the meaning of abiding? Jesus was clear in John 15 what He meant by it. That it was necessary for bearing fruit. It had nothing to do with getting or staying saved.

Your claim that one doesn’t need to obey the Lord, or obey His commandments is not biblical.

Why do you continue to perpetuate untruths? I've never said that believers "don't need to obey the Lord. Therefore, you are perpetuating a lie.

Does that please you?

 

[JLB777]

Once again, your claim is not supported by Scripture.

My claim is scripture.


Now he who keeps His commandments abides in Him, and He in him. And by this we know that He abides in us, by the Spirit whom He has given us. 1 John 3:24



The way we remain “in Christ” is to keep His commandments, which are the way of love.



JLB

 

[FreeGrace2]

My claim is scripture.

No it isn't. You have made very clear your opinion that saved people (recipients of eternal life) CAN perish.

Yet, Jesus said this: I give them (recipients) eternal life; and they SHALL NEVER PERISH.

Your opinion is in direct opposition to what Jesus said.

Now he who keeps His commandments abides in Him, and He in him. And by this we know that He abides in us, by the Spirit whom He has given us. 1 John 3:24

Fellowship is the issue here.

The way we remain “in Christ” is to keep His commandments, which are the way of love.

No, Paul destroys your theory about being "in Christ" is tentative, and based on behavior.

Eph 1:1314
13 And you also were included in Christ when you heard the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation. When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit,
14 who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession—to the praise of his glory.

The red words teach the way one is "included IN Christ"; it is by believing in Christ.

The blue words teach what is included with being "IN Christ"; being marked IN HIM with a seal, the Holy Spirit, who is a deposit.

The green words teach what the 'deposit' is FOR; The Holy Spirit is a GUARANTEE of the believer's inheritance.

The purple words teach when this inheritance is given; at the redemption of God's possession (believers, marked IN HIM with the Holy Spirit).

These 2 verses are just one of many passages that clearly teach eternal security.

But it depends on the reader to have a correct understanding of what "guarantee" means. It seems you don't have a correct understanding of it.

But, I invite you to address my exegesis of these 2 verses and address the color coded words and prove that my explanation is incorrect.

 

[JLB777]

No it isn't. You have made very clear your opinion that saved people (recipients of eternal life) CAN perish.

Yet, Jesus said this: I give them (recipients) eternal life; and they SHALL NEVER PERISH.

Your opinion is in direct opposition to what Jesus said.


Fellowship is the issue here.


No, Paul destroys your theory about being "in Christ" is tentative, and based on behavior.

Eph 1:1314
13 And you also were included in Christ when you heard the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation. When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit,
14 who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession—to the praise of his glory.

The red words teach the way one is "included IN Christ"; it is by believing in Christ.

The blue words teach what is included with being "IN Christ"; being marked IN HIM with a seal, the Holy Spirit, who is a deposit.

The green words teach what the 'deposit' is FOR; The Holy Spirit is a GUARANTEE of the believer's inheritance.

The purple words teach when this inheritance is given; at the redemption of God's possession (believers, marked IN HIM with the Holy Spirit).

These 2 verses are just one of many passages that clearly teach eternal security.

But it depends on the reader to have a correct understanding of what "guarantee" means. It seems you don't have a correct understanding of it.

But, I invite you to address my exegesis of these 2 verses and address the color coded words and prove that my explanation is incorrect.

And having been perfected, He became the author of eternal salvation to all who obey Him, Hebrews 5:9



He who says, “I know Him,” and does not keep His commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him. 1 John 2:4


Whoever transgresses and does not abide in the doctrine of Christ does not have God. He who abides in the doctrine of Christ has both the Father and the Son. 2 John 9



If anyone does not abide in Me, he is cast out as a branch and is withered; and they gather them and throw them into the fire, and they are burned. John 15:6



Now he who keeps His commandments abides in Him, and He in him. And by this we know that He abides in us, by the Spirit whom He has given us. 1 John 3:24






JLB

 

[JLB777]

Eph 1:1314
13 And you also were included in Christ when you heard the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation. When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit,
14 who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession—to the praise of his glory.

The red words teach the way one is "included IN Christ"; it is by believing in Christ.

Those who believe (which means trust and obey) in Jesus Christ have eternal life.


Those who believe for a while then fall away, no longer meet the requirement of BELIEVING.



But the ones on the rock are those who, when they hear, receive the word with joy; and these have no root, who believe for a while and in time of temptation fall away. Luke 8:13

• who believe for a while and in time of temptation fall away.

Temporary believing results in temporary salvation.


Those who believe for a while, then no longer believe, who return to unbelieving, are no longer believers.


But the cowardly, unbelieving, abominable, murderers, sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars shall have their part in the lake which burns with fire and brimstone, which is the second death.” Revelation 21:8






JLB

 

[FreeGrace2]

And having been perfected, He became the author of eternal salvation to all who obey Him, Hebrews 5:9

I've explained it already.

He who says, “I know Him,” and does not keep His commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him. 1 John 2:4

There are a whole LOT of ignorant saved people running around spewing false doctrines.

Whoever transgresses and does not abide in the doctrine of Christ does not have God. He who abides in the doctrine of Christ has both the Father and the Son. 2 John 9

This is about fellowship, a doctrine that seems to have no place in your own theological opinions.

If anyone does not abide in Me, he is cast out as a branch and is withered; and they gather them and throw them into the fire, and they are burned. John 15:6

Again, about fellowship, which your opinions have no place for.

Now he who keeps His commandments abides in Him, and He in him. And by this we know that He abides in us, by the Spirit whom He has given us. 1 John 3:24

Ditto. Again.

 

[FreeGrace2]

Those who believe (which means trust and obey) in Jesus Christ have eternal life.

And are sealed with the Holy Spirit, making the believer God's possession, and having a GUARANTEED inheritance for the day of redemption.

Those who believe for a while then fall away, no longer meet the requirement of BELIEVING.

I guess you didn't do your do diligence here and parse the Greek words for "having heard" and "having believed". The tense for both is aorist.

Do you understand that this pokes many holes in your boat. Large holes. Hope you can swim. Boats with large holes can't.

But the ones on the rock are those who, when they hear, receive the word with joy; and these have no root, who believe for a while and in time of temptation fall away. Luke 8:13

Sure. Jesus taught that saved people can fall away from the faith, or "believe for a while". So what? Where in v.13 are the words "and will lose their salvation"?

Temporary believing results in temporary salvation.

This is merely your own opinion, and not supported by Scripture at all.

Those who believe for a while, then no longer believe, who return to unbelieving, are no longer believers.

More opinon. Which is unbiblical.

But the cowardly, unbelieving, abominable, murderers, sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars shall have their part in the lake which burns with fire and brimstone, which is the second death.” Revelation 21:8

Did you do your do diligence and figure out what the FIRST 2 words in this list mean?

"cowardly" means "fearful", from biblehub.com. Check it out yourself. (That's doing do diligence)

To be "fearful" means to lack faith, or have no faith.

"unbelieving" means just that; no belief.

So, in the list above, John is making the point that this list is about UNbelievers. Not believers who lost faith.

OSAS - Once Saved, Always Saved
OSAS - Once Sealed, Always Sealed
OCAC - Once a child (of God), Always a Child (of God)

These are irrefutable points.

 

[JLB777]

And are sealed with the Holy Spirit, making the believer God's possession, and having a GUARANTEED inheritance for the day of redemption.


I guess you didn't do your do diligence here and parse the Greek words for "having heard" and "having believed". The tense for both is aorist.

Do you understand that this pokes many holes in your boat. Large holes. Hope you can swim. Boats with large holes can't.


Sure. Jesus taught that saved people can fall away from the faith, or "believe for a while". So what? Where in v.13 are the words "and will lose their salvation"?


This is merely your own opinion, and not supported by Scripture at all.


More opinon. Which is unbiblical.


Did you do your do diligence and figure out what the FIRST 2 words in this list mean?

"cowardly" means "fearful", from biblehub.com. Check it out yourself. (That's doing do diligence)

To be "fearful" means to lack faith, or have no faith.

"unbelieving" means just that; no belief.

So, in the list above, John is making the point that this list is about UNbelievers. Not believers who lost faith.

OSAS - Once Saved, Always Saved
OSAS - Once Sealed, Always Sealed
OCAC - Once a child (of God), Always a Child (of God)

These are irrefutable points.

And having been perfected, He became the author of eternal salvation to all who obey Him, Hebrews 5:9


Those who believe (which means trust and obey) in Jesus Christ have eternal life.


Those who believe for a while then fall away, no longer meet the requirement of BELIEVING.



But the ones on the rock are those who, when they hear, receive the word with joy; and these have no root, who believe for a while and in time of temptation fall away. Luke 8:13

• who believe for a while and in time of temptation fall away.

Temporary believing results in temporary salvation.


Those who believe for a while, then no longer believe, who return to unbelieving, are no longer believers.


But the cowardly, unbelieving, abominable, murderers, sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars shall have their part in the lake which burns with fire and brimstone, which is the second death.” Revelation 21:8






JLB

 

[FreeGrace2]

And having been perfected, He became the author of eternal salvation to all who obey Him, Hebrews 5:9

Do you really enjoy trying to show that the Bible is contradicted?

Fortunately, that can't be shown because the Bible is not contradictory.

But if your misunderstanding were true, then Paul's answer to the jailer was wrong.

Those who believe (which means trust and obey) in Jesus Christ have eternal life.

What you haven't (because you can't) proven is that the Greek word for 'believe' includes obedience.

Those who believe for a while then fall away, no longer meet the requirement of BELIEVING.

Apparently you aren't aware of these 2 verses:

John 3:18 - Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because they have not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son.

2 Thess 2:12 - and so that all will be condemned who have not believed the truth but have delighted in wickedness.

These 2 verses very clearly teach who will be condemned; those who HAVE NOT BELIEVED.

Do you realize that if someone had EVER believed, these 2 verses cannot apply to them.

Because, if someone had EVER believed, it cannot be said of them that they "have not believed". Beause they HAD, at one time.

But the ones on the rock are those who, when they hear, receive the word with joy; and these have no root, who believe for a while and in time of temptation fall away. Luke 8:13

This verse is clear to most. The words "fall away" refer to the words "believe for a while".

So, falling away has nothing to do with loss of salvation, but simply ceasing to believe.

Temporary believing results in temporary salvation.

Except Luke 8:13 doesn't support your theory here. Not even close.

Those who believe for a while, then no longer believe, who return to unbelieving, are no longer believers.

No. John 3:18 and 2 Thess 2:12 teach that condemnation is for those who HAVE NOT BELIEVED. The second soil DID "believe for a while", therefore, they will NOT face condemnation because they HAD believed at one time.

But the cowardly, unbelieving, abominable, murderers, sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars shall have their part in the lake which burns with fire and brimstone, which is the second death.” Revelation 21:8

Didn't you catch my comment about this verse in my last post?

The first 2 words (cowardly and unbelieving) are both about lack of faith. The list describes unbelievers, which is the biblical word for those who HAVE NOT BELIEVED.

Can you find any use of "former believer" in the Bible? No, you can't.

Can you find any use of "former son" in the Bible? No, you can't.

Can you find any use of "former sealed person" in the Bible? No, you can't.

Can you find any use of "former saved guy" in the Bible? No you can't.

 

[CaitM]

My question ultimately concerns falling away from Christ due to repeated sin issues. I'm curious if Matthew 13:7, Romans 8:13 and James 1:15 connect and describe what has happened to me in my loss of relationship, unrenewal of mind and hardened heart. My questions while reading the following are:
1. Will sin kill a believer spiritually that they will ultimately lose Christ?
2. I what I'm experiencing a sign that I was never a believer and, even though I had know Christ and grown in him for 16 years, that I was not a believer? That the Word was choked out of me because of my sin?

I'll start from the beginning to try and make everything as clear as possible. Sorry if this is super long.

I grew up in a Christian household and had a false conversion experience when I was around 5. One where I aimed to please my parents but there was no change in my heart or life. Fast forward to when I was 10. I went to a multi-day retreat with my youth group and was convicted that my previous confession was not true and that I did not know Christ. I responded to the gospel and saw a change in my desires and heart. A hatred for sin and a desire to live for Christ. Shortly there after I was exposed to inappropriate contentography for the first time. The behavior got out of hand and I eventually became addicted. I would become highly irritable or physically nauseous if I was not able to view inappropriate contentography that day. Eventually my parents discovered what was going on and removed the internet from my access. I saw a renewal in my relationship with Christ within the following years. A renewed desire for him. Desire to be in his Word. A desire to resist sin and follow him.
This continued up until college where, after a breakup, I became depressed, isolated and turned back to inappropriate contentography to medicate. Eventually, after a year or so, the Lord brought me to repentance and I found renewed spiritual growth and desire for him again. I found a good community of guys pursuing Christ at my church that pushed one another to follow Christ. The Lord grew in me a heart for evangelism and missions over the course of those few years.
However, once I graduated from college, I was unable to find a job and had to move back in with my parents in my old hometown. I lost my church and community and was unable to find another community that seemed to be serious about serving Christ. Once again, I became depressed and lonely turning to inappropriate contentography again to medicate. The addiction became full blown again for years. Constantly being convicted by the Spirit to repent and hearing the Lord's voice in the matter through the Word. Repentance was off and on. Repenting well at some points but being isolated and continuing to fall back into sin. It was a constant struggle and I hated myself for being involved in this sin. I could see that it was affecting my relationship with Christ but I was seemingly powerless to stop the behavior. I was talking to my mentor who was the missions pastor at my church about going to seminary, as I had felt in the past that the Lord was leading me to missions. He encouraged me to go knowing that I was struggling with sexual sin. I was also teaching a weekly Bible study at the time.
Two years ago, after my first semester of seminary I had fallen to sexual temptation and viewed inappropriate contentography that night but something terrifying happened. I felt no conviction or remorse. Just totally empty and unfeeling. It scared me half to death. My heart felt so hard and unfeeling. This terrified me in my mind but not in my heart. It just felt dull and numb. The next day I was off work so I spent the whole day seeking the Lord and trying to figure out what had happened. My heart felt uncaring and unrepentant. At one point that morning I remember feeling something being torn out of my heart and feeling as though there was a void in my heart. That place where I used to go in the depths of my heart to humble myself and draw near to Christ was inaccessible now. I couldn't feel the brokenness or godly sorrow I once felt about my sin. I felt completely stripped of the joy of knowing Christ replaced with tangible feelings of terror, separation and confusion. I went to the Word to spend time with the Lord and it was like someone had turned out the lights. My eyes looked over the passages that I had read and underlined so many times and they made no sense. I remember thinking, "This looks so stupid. Why does anyone believe this?" 1 Corinthians 1:18 immediately popped into my mind. This sent me spiraling. Non stop panic attacks. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't think straight. I spent days and nights crying out to the Lord that he would not take the Spirit from me and that he would allow me to return to relationship with him. I saw a stark change in my mind and heart over that time. Not only did the Word no longer make sense or resonate with my heart, I couldn't remember who the Lord was. I couldn't remember my life with the Lord, what he had done in my life or why I had been confident I was a believer. I couldn't remember why I loved God or why I should worship him. I couldn't even remember my testimony. My past with the Lord was hazy and felt like thinking back to a dream. It was as though, in a moment, my faith dried up. I remember crying out over and over again, "Lord, please don't do this." I knew I had not desired to be separated from Christ but it intensely seemed to be so. I didn't know what I believed anymore and the things I still knew felt false. I cried out to the Lord, but my heart was so hard my repentance didn't feel real. I wasn't really broken. Even my fear was no longer of being separated from God, but of condemnation. My heart had become extremely resistant to the Lord and I felt extreme rage toward him. There was no love for the Lord in my heart anymore. (And even 2 years later, I see no movement of the Spirit, no change in heart or anything. I don't see the Lord rearranging my heart and moving my desires. Just deadness in my heart.)
This sent me spiraling even harder. I began meeting with close brothers in Christ and explaining the situation confessing what I had done. However, nothing changed. I eventually got the idea that I had become apostate and that there was no way to return to Christ or that I had become like Esau and was unable to repent. Then the thought, "If there's no hope of restoration, and I'm doomed to hell, I should go now while I only have 20 something years of sin to pay for than wait until I'm 60 and have 60 years of sinning to pay for." At this point I was seeing Christian therapists who were also trying to walk me through this time. Eventually, things hit super rock bottom and my psychologist said that I needed to check into a mental institution and go under suicide watch. My time there was filled with all the same. Not sleeping, barely eating and panic attacks. Strangely enough, I ran into a woman who was also a patient there that was leading a Bible study each night before bed. She was a pastor's wife who had also had a mental breakdown. I explained my situation and she said she believed I had not yet lost my salvation. Eventually, I was released and have continued to struggle with the reality of what I'm experiencing. Three things have kept me from completely losing hope and going through with it thus far:
1. Shortly after everything began, I was at church listening to the sermon lost in my thoughts of being condemned and begging that the Lord would restore me when I momentarily snapped out of it and heard the pastor say, "Do not fear the new thing that the Lord is doing." I remember it resonated with my heart much like how the the Lord would speak to me through the Word or through teaching.
2. I was on the phone with my mom one night rambling on about what was going on when she said, "You need to return to your first love." My heart reacted again deeply to that.
3. Then finally the pastor's wife in the mental hospital feeling as though I had not lost my salvation.

I'm just not sure what to do anymore. It's been 2 years and I still feel completely cut off from Christ, with a heart that doesn't understand why sin is such a big deal and that isn't broken over sin. I see so clearly how my life is not longer like it was when I knew Christ. I see how deeply my desires have changed from desiring Christ to desiring nothing. My heart doesn't cry out for Christ and I don't hunger for the Word. My faith feels nonexistent. I know the truth is true because I experienced life with Christ. I have known him and walked with him. But that is clearly not the case anymore. I'm fearful that, as I feel he's slowly slipping away from me, that I will forget him completely. I'm not sure if he will hold me or not due to my sin.
What do I do when I wake up and I don't feel like this is a big deal anymore? Am I like Esau? What is my response now?Is suicide my only option? What else is there for me if not Christ? What must I do that I might taste true brokenness over sin and repentance that I might know Christ personally again? What is life without Christ?
What do I practically do now? What does my daily walk look like now. Time in the Word and in prayer is seemingly unprofitable. My heart isn't changing.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading. Sorry for any rambling. I know I've asked a lot a written a lot.

Hi, I am struggling with something very similar. It's distressing. How are you now? Have you found any answers and hope??