going nuts today ***triggering****

[jynx]

***ED SI bipolar crudola***




Going nuts today...

Went around town to all the fast food places and order everything. Ate everything. Spent thirty minutes in Speedway's bathroom throwing it all back up.

Yelling and Screaming like a drill sargent.

Depressed like hell.

Things are swriling around inside my head that shouldn't be there.

I can't put a sane thought together.

I think I sent a PM addressed to the wrong person...*ugh* and ummm... sorry?

I can't stop the craziness in my head or in my life around me. I feel like bashing my head up against the wall...seriously....

I burnt my hand accidentally on the oven yesterday. and well. it felt good. and now ...well.... and I am just trying to keep myself/my hands occupied with other things today. <grumbling>

I wish I had someoen I could talk to who knew exactly wha was going on. I am struggling with second guessing. trying to figure out if i am over reacting tocertain events...if i am justified in thinking/feeling the way i do about it and what I should do next........

my sister is a problem. my sister .... is getting married in two weeks. my sister... is very judgemental,rude, crude and ummm.... selfish? When I lived upstate and the ice storm hit three years ago, I called her to ask if she could western union twenty busk to me so I could get kerosene for the heater. the electric was out...and stayed out for two weeks. i had three kids... and was running out of money fast. it was the end of the month and all i was living on at the time was a SSD check.

she refused to help. she called me some nasty things..then she hung up on me.

I honestly have never done anything agnist my sis. I have always came when she needed me. I am nice to her. I don't talk down to her. I am not rude (for the most part). she is constantly mean and rude and selfish and...<groan> a real witch. i don't get it. i do and dont... i mean as kids growin up she was the invisible kid. i was the dream child (eh, what a hoot cuz i aint much of anythign now...she is) i got beat and sexually abused and she was left alone. she simply didn't exist to my parents. it was cruel. i was a kid...what was i to do? i didn't want her getting the same "attention" i was getting.... it all had strings attached..you can do this/have this but you have to... anyrate... in my opinon SHE was the lucky one. she was allowed out of the house, allowed to go out with freinds, spend the night with her friends, go on dates, go to school functions... and I wasn't. mom was afraid I'd get into trouble have sex with someone or drink/drug it up... the funny thing is i never did that stuff. i never gave her a reason to doubt me. never. i didn't do all that until i was out of her house...

any rate. there is alot of resentment between us i guess. i wish it wasn't so. she is the only sibling i have. only real family. there is no mending bridges between us...and i am having a hard time letting her go. i still want a sister. but everytime i contact her it is ugly. she is rude and mean...vicious... and i take it. and i mull over it cry over it get angry over it for weeks after i hang the phone up.

all i've ever wanted was a family....

i don't have a "family" so I had a big family of my own.

*blah* she is only one of the issues. she is getting married, and my kids are to be in her wedding...and i don't want to go she is being that cruel to me. i am at the point now i am ready to write her off. but i realize if i don't go...and there is any chance of reconcillation between us in the future... i have shot it all to hell in a handbasket if i don't attend the wedding... but my DAD will be there...and my MOM... and they are evil evil people.... if I go it will take me months to recover from the PTSD crudola that gets triggered by being around them... its already started now... the nightmares have come back. i know i have to face THEM. i wake up mad and angry and in a cold sweat crying.

it will only get owrse if i go and interact with them at the wedding....

sorry. i had to put it all out there.

i will post this and see how many wash my mouths i get...

 

[thislifewithinmecries]

***ED SI bipolar crudola***




Going nuts today...

Went around town to all the fast food places and order everything. Ate everything. Spent thirty minutes in Speedway's bathroom throwing it all back up.

Yelling and Screaming like a drill sargent.

Depressed like hell.

Things are swriling around inside my head that shouldn't be there.

I can't put a sane thought together.

I think I sent a PM addressed to the wrong person...*ugh* and ummm... sorry?

I can't stop the craziness in my head or in my life around me. I feel like bashing my head up against the wall...seriously....

I burnt my hand accidentally on the oven yesterday. and well. it felt good. and now ...well.... and I am just trying to keep myself/my hands occupied with other things today. <grumbling>

I wish I had someoen I could talk to who knew exactly wha was going on. I am struggling with second guessing. trying to figure out if i am over reacting tocertain events...if i am justified in thinking/feeling the way i do about it and what I should do next........

my sister is a problem. my sister .... is getting married in two weeks. my sister... is very judgemental,rude, crude and ummm.... selfish? When I lived upstate and the ice storm hit three years ago, I called her to ask if she could western union twenty busk to me so I could get kerosene for the heater. the electric was out...and stayed out for two weeks. i had three kids... and was running out of money fast. it was the end of the month and all i was living on at the time was a SSD check.

she refused to help. she called me some nasty things..then she hung up on me.

I honestly have never done anything agnist my sis. I have always came when she needed me. I am nice to her. I don't talk down to her. I am not rude (for the most part). she is constantly mean and rude and selfish and...<groan> a real witch. i don't get it. i do and dont... i mean as kids growin up she was the invisible kid. i was the dream child (eh, what a hoot cuz i aint much of anythign now...she is) i got beat and sexually abused and she was left alone. she simply didn't exist to my parents. it was cruel. i was a kid...what was i to do? i didn't want her getting the same "attention" i was getting.... it all had strings attached..you can do this/have this but you have to... anyrate... in my opinon SHE was the lucky one. she was allowed out of the house, allowed to go out with freinds, spend the night with her friends, go on dates, go to school functions... and I wasn't. mom was afraid I'd get into trouble have sex with someone or drink/drug it up... the funny thing is i never did that stuff. i never gave her a reason to doubt me. never. i didn't do all that until i was out of her house...

any rate. there is alot of resentment between us i guess. i wish it wasn't so. she is the only sibling i have. only real family. there is no mending bridges between us...and i am having a hard time letting her go. i still want a sister. but everytime i contact her it is ugly. she is rude and mean...vicious... and i take it. and i mull over it cry over it get angry over it for weeks after i hang the phone up.

all i've ever wanted was a family....

i don't have a "family" so I had a big family of my own.

*blah* she is only one of the issues. she is getting married, and my kids are to be in her wedding...and i don't want to go she is being that cruel to me. i am at the point now i am ready to write her off. but i realize if i don't go...and there is any chance of reconcillation between us in the future... i have shot it all to hell in a handbasket if i don't attend the wedding... but my DAD will be there...and my MOM... and they are evil evil people.... if I go it will take me months to recover from the PTSD crudola that gets triggered by being around them... its already started now... the nightmares have come back. i know i have to face THEM. i wake up mad and angry and in a cold sweat crying.

it will only get owrse if i go and interact with them at the wedding....

sorry. i had to put it all out there.

i will post this and see how many wash my mouths i get...

It sounds like you are in quite the predicament here. If it was me, I would say forget the wedding if it is already causing me this many problems with PTSD, my PTSD acts up when I see a car that looks like my ex's so I couldn't imagine submerging myself in him and his family, just an opinion. Stay strong! Praying!

 

[jynx]

yup. that is what i think. stay away. i am trying to come up with a good "excuse" that isn't a lie...

thanks for listnening.

 

[Soulwings]

Oh Jynx... *big hugs*

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through so much right now. Seems like it just keeps piling up, doesn't it? I'm glad to see that you're reaching out right now... that's the best thing to do, I think.

(I listen/read whatever you put out on the table.)

ED stuff... that is a hard one to deal with. If I were you I would try to get some help... sometime... and in the meantime, surround yourself with reasons to refrain from using your symptoms. Figure out what you're living for - your kids, your creativity, your husband... find some bright things in the darkness. Try and surround yourself with hopeful and peaceful things.

I am with you in the SI thing. I'm struggling with that right now too and man, do I hear you!! Hang in there and try to not do it... try to not listen to the part of your mind that says "pain feels good," try to fight fight fight. Are you going to be going in hospital, or is that still up in the air? I know you were struggling with that a bit awhile ago (I think?...), so, well, was just wondering.

Sister and wedding and family... if it's going to cause you that much trouble, then definitely stay away. If your sister is that much of a witch, then I would break ties with her. Yes, she's family. But sometimes you have to find a new family, bc your biological family causes you too much pain, trauma, flashbacks, etc. Try to take care of yourself and your own family in this. You need to be there for them and having to struggle through PTSD stuff won't do anyone much good.

I hope some of that helped. I'm here if you need to talk... my PM box is always - always - open.

 

[jynx]

thanks guys.

I think I am going to burry my head in the sand and hope my rear end doesn't get lopped off cuz it's the only thing stickin out in the air in the middle of my war zone...

I sat here thinking of excuses to leave the house so I could go cruse and gorge myself again. its pretty bad. i'm obessing about it all the time now...

i fell very, very alone right now.

very alone.

The hospital is not an option right now, Aaron is nasty sick with a virus. He needs his momma. He isn't drinking fluids and is chokin on his own spit cuz his throat is too sore and he doesn't want to swallow.

i am not in a good place right now.

but i've been here many many many times before and I am still here.

the house is a MESS. i can not stand it. things are tore apart. i started to re-organize and clean out every crevas of my home but only suceeded only in making a huge huge HUGE mess...

i feel like i am whinning. i will most likely go back and delete everything later.

I've made bad choices in the past that have lead to me being here, in this shape..but I know God is here with me leading me through this...even though I feel totally alone...feelings aren't dependable...God's love for me IS. I keep telling myself this. I keep waiting for an outward showing of His love. A hug of sorts...

I am tired. I am going to bed and try to sleep this off.

thanks for listening guys. i truly do appreciate it.

 

[4Everloved]

Don't delete anything. We love you. We all go through 'our times'. God hears You. We do too. All we can do is go to Him, and He'll do something about it. He's there with you, jynx. Honest.

 

[wonderwoman]

thanks guys.

I think I am going to burry my head in the sand and hope my rear end doesn't get lopped off cuz it's the only thing stickin out in the air in the middle of my war zone...

I sat here thinking of excuses to leave the house so I could go cruse and gorge myself again. its pretty bad. i'm obessing about it all the time now...

i fell very, very alone right now.

very alone.

The hospital is not an option right now, Aaron is nasty sick with a virus. He needs his momma. He isn't drinking fluids and is chokin on his own spit cuz his throat is too sore and he doesn't want to swallow.

i am not in a good place right now.

but i've been here many many many times before and I am still here.

the house is a MESS. i can not stand it. things are tore apart. i started to re-organize and clean out every crevas of my home but only suceeded only in making a huge huge HUGE mess...

i feel like i am whinning. i will most likely go back and delete everything later.

I've made bad choices in the past that have lead to me being here, in this shape..but I know God is here with me leading me through this...even though I feel totally alone...feelings aren't dependable...God's love for me IS. I keep telling myself this. I keep waiting for an outward showing of His love. A hug of sorts...

I am tired. I am going to bed and try to sleep this off.

thanks for listening guys. i truly do appreciate it.

Do you have a therapist to talk to?