have i crucified the son of god again because i was christian before my rebellion but not knowing much i had a terrible life but that terrible life led me to rebel and i fell away am i damned
If you had the choice, would you go back and make the rebellious life your permanent lifestyle, or would you run to God's throne of grace to find mercy and grace to help you in your time of need?
How much mercy do you think that God has and how much does He expend until He runs out?
What you need to repent of is your underestimation of God's goodness and mercy. 2 Corinthians 1 says that God is the Father of Mercy. He is more merciful than anyone else in the whole universe.
Also, He is not the Bible. He is greater than the Bible. The Bible is just a snapshot of the greatness and majesty of who He is. His mercy and grace is not limited by the Bible, because He is greater. Some people are so bound to the Bible that they think that God is the Bible. He isn't. The Bible is just a description of who God is and how He goes about things. Sure, His standards are there as well.
You need to repent of disbelieving the Scripture, "All sin and iniquity shall be forgive of men". He also says, "Come let us reason together. Though you sins are as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow."
Here is another thought. The moment you first accepted Christ, you died with Christ when He died on the cross, and you rose to newness of life when He rose again. This means that as far as God is concerned, you sinful nature and self is dead. The life you are living is in Christ. God sees you as righteous in Christ. He does not see your lack of faith, your rebellion, and your sinfulness. What He sees is not the negative, but your potential in Christ.
You might have come the "easy beleverism way" when you first received Christ. You might have thought that all you had to do was to receive Jesus and things would be great. You might not have seen the extent of your sinfulness. Perhaps God is now showing you your own sinfulness, so that you will not have any confidence in yourself. The Scripture says, "We have the sentence of death in ourselves that we should not trust in ourselves but in God who raises the dead." Paul went through that. He saw his own sinfulness so much that he cried out to God, "How shall I be set free of the body of this death?" He then said, "I thank God, through Jesus Christ my Lord."
You are seeing your own stinking sin now, because a dead body stinks. What you are experiencing is the rottennerss and decay of your dead sinful nature. What we do is to bury a dead body, and in this way, the Scripture tells us to reckon ourselves dead but alive in Christ.
So, you are dead!!!! The condemnation you are sensing is not from the mercy and goodness of God. It is coming from a lying spirit that is trying to convince you that you are still alive in your sins. What you need to do is to resist the devil by telling that lying spirit to depart from you and take its lies with it. The Scripture says, "Stand fast in the freedom wherewith Christ has made you free."
You are justified (found not guilty by God), by faith. The Scripture says, "By grace you are saved through faith, and not of yourself. It is the gift of God." There are a lot more Scriptures that speak of the mercy and grace of God, than the one or two that the devil loves to quote to drop a "condemnation bomb" in vulnerable believers.
Take a look at 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. Because God is love, then this description is of God's own character and the way He deals with us. If He did not love us in the way the verses show, then we'd all be sunk!
