Give "Bad" Advice (3)

[Sam91]

Hmm, slip some steroids into his lunch daily?

How to keep the grass greener on this side?

It's the wrong time of year to worry about your grass. Why not sabotage your neighbour's lawn in the spring? You have all winter to come up with a good idea.

How to not be delighted at the 'hideosity' of my advice... and my new word.

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

Renounce all worldly things and the deeply selfish joy of coining neologisms by becoming a nun of St Gotteschalk, patron saint of linguistics. Build a scriptorium in South Georgia as a hermitage in an abandoned whaling station. Memorise the full Oxford English Dictionary of 1912 as a penance.

My wife wants me to build my son a treehouse, but let us just say that I fear for my carpentry skills.

 

[public hermit]

It sounds you need a sit down with the family to highlight the terrors of treehouses, the misshaped and mangled bodies, the frightening falls, the lawsuits from parents whose children fell from a neighbor's treehouse, etc. The resulting PTSD that your family will incur is well worth being able to get out of having to construct something.

How can I stop eating Reese's Peanut Butter cups? I want one now just because I asked.

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

First expose yourself to a regimen of radiation until you develop leukemia. Then, after the chemotherapy destroys your bone marrow, get a bone marrow transplant from a donor who is deathly allergic to peanuts. Pretty soon you'll only associate peanuts with death and suffering, once your allergy kicks in and Reese becomes the Grim Reaper himself.

My son starts crying now and then, that all the dinosaurs are dead.

 

[LaSorcia]

Siddhartha's parents tried to shield him from suffering and death and it backfired on them. So, unless you want your son to become a Buddhist or start another new religion, you'd better take him out to the woods to look at dead birds and dead plants and anything else you can think of.

What's the best type of therapy for a simple phobia?

 

[Sam91]

Avoidance. Avoid your fears then you won't need to deal with it.

How do you cure itchy legs? Aaaaaargh they drive me crazy.

 

[LaSorcia]

Use herbs. You know, boneset for bones, feverfew for fever, so I guess you'd use itchweed for itching.

How does one ever fold a fitted sheet to look as neat as it did when it was new and in packaging?

 

[MissRowy]

Why fold when you can scrunch!! Besides who has time for folding!

How can I manage my time and do all the things I want to do as well as the stuff I don't really want to do

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

Cultivate apathy to everything, then what you want to do or not, will all be the same.

How to find that single lego piece you need in the whole box, that your child insists is required?

 

[DavidFirth]

Empty out the whole box and when your child is done playing make them clean everything up.

I'm surrounded at work by Georgia fans and I'm a Georgia Tech fan. What to do?

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

Just scream Georgia! at the top of your lungs, then faintly whisper tech afterwards.

How can I start caring about my local sports team. I feel left out.

 

[Chesterton]

Place big money wagers on their games. You will start caring A LOT!

How can I cure my gambling addiction?

 

[LaSorcia]

Only make bets against yourself. Passing money from your left hand to your right hand when you win or lose will soon grow boring.

What should I do to be trendy?

 

[LittleLambofJesus]

Wear a yellow cowboy hat, multi colored plaid shirt, pink bow tie, camo cargo pants and fish bowl shoes.

What must I do to get more friends?

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

How to buy an Instagram following

How can I spy on the babysitter without getting caught?

 

[LaSorcia]

Put one of these in your home and hide in it!

Where can I find a reputable art dealer?

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

I find any dealers from war-torn areas are inevitably referred to as Reputable. I think that is the only time that adjective is even used in reference to an art dealer.

How can I fix my broken screen?

 

[Chesterton]

The question is void for vagueness. There's like 18 different definitions of "screen". Are you a football coach? Did someone vandalize your car? Etc.

How can I stop being a pedant?

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

Proofread, correct, and follow up each and every reference of Wikipedia. Don't forget to add all those sweet missing Oxford commas.

How can I stick to the budget?

 

[( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)]

Gorilla tape it to your forehead. Wear it like a phylactery to prove to people how serious you are about being frugal.

Give a dog a push in the swing?