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Getting Over Toxic Friendships

Discussion in 'Christian Advice' started by blueyJu, Sep 11, 2019 at 12:45 AM.

  1. blueyJu

    blueyJu New Member

    7
    +4
    Malaysia
    Christian
    Married
    I get to know a group of friends when I was pregnant with my child. We hung out a lot and supported one another in our motherhood. However, due to some confrontation and being too direct, I lost a group of them who thought i wa nasty in my comments and not understanding. I did not recall what gave me the courage to do so in the past, but I was misled by one of them who fed me a lot of info, but during the confrontation, she chose to keep quiet and chose to kept mouth.
    So i lost that group of friends (being made the scapegoat), while she continued on good terms with a few of them. I had a hard time getting over the event that happened and still hang out with this person who had made me the scapegoat, as I do not think there is a need to ditch the friendship. However, lately I feel so miserable again that I had shouldered all the blame for being the mouthpiece for the event that happened. I felt so silly and used. I do not know if I should continue the friendship with this person who chose to continue happily with the group while I am left out from the group.
    Please provide some spiritual advice and encouragement so that I can learn and let this go. This has been going on for 2 years and I still wake up feeling the pinch at times.
    Any similar experience out there to share and advice?
     
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  2. Tolworth John

    Tolworth John Well-Known Member

    +2,084
    United Kingdom
    Non-Denom
    Married
    Because of words said and words thought to be unkind you've lost friends.
    Grieve for those friends and move on.
    As part of the moving on ask the remaining person from this group why they didn't support you?

    Build new friends in your church toddler group at the school gates in other mother and todler groups.
     
  3. blueyJu

    blueyJu New Member

    7
    +4
    Malaysia
    Christian
    Married
    Hi John,
    Thanks for your reply.
    She told my other friend that no point for her to speak. I guess she wanted to protect her 'angelic' impression with the others and continue to enjoy the company. I have never confronted her about it but I have been on guard when dealing with her. But I am tired to see how fake she is when she will talks abt someone and yet still happily hang out with the someone. Its sick to see people behaving like this, double face.
    I am ok to just be an acquaintance with her. But I still feel imbalanced when I see her behaving like nothing happened in the past and if anything does, its none of her concerns. I felt sacrificed.
     
  4. IceJad

    IceJad Regular Member

    334
    +42
    Malaysia
    Lutheran
    Single
    Dear blueyJu,

    Sorry to hear of what you have gone through. It is unfortunate that words said can never be retracted. Sounds like you're burden by your own emotions and you're beating yourself down with your past acts. Please know it will be of no good to you. Learn to let it go.

    If it would lighten your emotional burden, tell the group the truth and say you're sorry. No more and no less. If your group will have none of your apology and explanation, then like John said move on.

    Maybe in God's own timing they will come around to you. Nothing is for certain.

    Your time on this earth is too precious to be focused on bygones. You have a child, your family and your own future to look forward to. God knows the truth. It's time to not just forgive your "friend" and your support group; it's time to forgive yourself as well.

    And by the grace of God, may you have a fulfilling life ahead of you.
     
  5. LaBèlla

    LaBèlla ❣️ His little lady ❣️ Supporter

    +3,962
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Celibate
    If her behavior inspires you to think she’s fake and preserved her reputation with the group to your detriment. How can you walk hand in hand?

    Expectations are the bane of healthy relationships. You are upset because she didn’t defend you and didn’t walk away when they shut you out. These are different issues and both are rooted in expectation.

    If you expect your friends to come to your defense then you must choose companions who are willing to do so. Some people are more confrontational than others. But when someone sees you’re being mistreated and remains silent. You need to broach the issue in love.

    While I don’t have that expectation, I don’t bring people close to me who’d leave me in a lurch. As for the group, I think its unfair to expect people to sever ties on your behalf. We may do so in our youth, but if there’s no schism I wouldn’t make the demand.

    You should ask yourself if this question would exist if you’d made new friends. Are you holding on because she’s all you have?
     
  6. blueyJu

    blueyJu New Member

    7
    +4
    Malaysia
    Christian
    Married
    Thanks


    Thanks IceJad for your advice abc comforting words.
     
  7. blueyJu

    blueyJu New Member

    7
    +4
    Malaysia
    Christian
    Married

    Thanks Labelle for sharing your insight on my situation. It does enlighten me .
    I have personally tried to move on in knowing new friends, it’s the past hurts that are still haunting me. I’m trying to draw strength from God to deal with it and wish I can be healed emotionally deep there. I will definitely review my ‘expectations’ of friendships... i like the way u help me to see things in this perspective and thank you!
     
  8. LaBèlla

    LaBèlla ❣️ His little lady ❣️ Supporter

    +3,962
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Celibate
    Thank you. :)

    Sometimes its difficult to move forward when you’re staring the problem in the face. You may need time apart to heal and reconsider the connection.

    Ideally, you want mutually enriching relationships. Consider how you’re doing that for one another and in future connections. One-sided relationships often result in bitterness.

    Focus on the kind of friend you’d like to be and seek women who demonstrate the same in their character. They exist.
     
  9. blueyJu

    blueyJu New Member

    7
    +4
    Malaysia
    Christian
    Married
    Yes indeed.
    Actually this is a secular group support. I should have looked for spiritual support grp where like-minded women gather.
    But it was a good experience for me to encounter this, just that it was too overwhelming emotionally for me to handle the pain of losing friends at mid 30s. It’s prob some personal pride issue I have and I need to work on it as well. I hope to grow from this.
    Thanks for your valuable advice!
     
  10. LaBèlla

    LaBèlla ❣️ His little lady ❣️ Supporter

    +3,962
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Celibate
    Maybe the Lord removed them. He has done that in a few instances in my life. Including now. It is always for the best. You needly godly women. Start there.
     
  11. blueyJu

    blueyJu New Member

    7
    +4
    Malaysia
    Christian
    Married
    You words are such a comfort to me ❤️ Perhaps God really did so that I can be drawn closer to Him and His people.
    Truly glad to know such things dun just happen to me and they are part and parcels of life. Perhaps my life has been easy in my earlier days... so to face this is quite a traumatic experience for me... May the Lord continue to minister to us, those are who hurt by toxic relationship
     
  12. LaBèlla

    LaBèlla ❣️ His little lady ❣️ Supporter

    +3,962
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Celibate
    Thank you for the kind words. I remember asking for prayer years ago and an elderly intercessor listened to my request. She took my hand and smiled. Then lovingly said, “Oh baby, the Lord put that away. That was His doing. There’s nothing you can do to prevent it. He closed that door.”

    Her words hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew she spoke the truth. I hadn’t come to faith at that point. The person I dated was a believer. But he wasn’t leading me to God. He was leading me to sin.

    Most times it isn’t that extreme. The Holy Spirit will warn me about a situation or tell me to remove myself from it. But recently He didn’t do so. He permitted the situation to aid my discernment and spiritual maturity.

    It is my conviction that we should walk in love and be kind to others. Even when they don’t return the same. Our obedience will render His aid in times of need. We can cry out for justice and vindication. But when we return evil that isn’t so.

    Sometimes our hardships have a deeper meaning. I don’t know your calling but I sense this subject should be explored. Maybe in the process of learning about godly friendships He will ignite your want to help others like yourself.

    Here are some resources. You don’t need to purchase them. Each book is available on Scribd. The service is inexpensive and there are many Christian resources that would lift your spirits.

    Messy Beautiful Friendship by Christine Hoover
    Never Unfriended by Lisa-Jo Baker
    Girls’ Club by Sally Clarkson
     
  13. blueyJu

    blueyJu New Member

    7
    +4
    Malaysia
    Christian
    Married
    I can’t thank you for more for sharing your encounter! ❤️❤️
    Thankfully for that intercessor u met. I believe as u look back now, she was godsend to reach out to you, likewise, what u shared w me did shed some light into my situation. I need to see this from this manner, and at the same time, work on my spiritual walk. I will look up the recommended books! ☺️
     
  14. LaBèlla

    LaBèlla ❣️ His little lady ❣️ Supporter

    +3,962
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Celibate
    It is my pleasure. I’m glad you were blessed and are seeing your situation anew.

    Yes, she was a godsend. A long period of abstinence had been forsaken and that was remedied with his removal. ;-)

    Sometimes the Lord uses our hardships to be a blessing to others. This is a concern for many. You aren’t the lone one. But if your hardship ministers to others God is glorified.
     
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