For the Wives.....'Personality v Looks' in your Man!!

[SummersEvening]

I am in a bit of a turmoil over something and would greatly value your helpful advice!

I have been in a Long distance online friendship for a long time, but recently things seemed to have developed into a 'bit more' than just an ordinary pen-freindship! Although we still haven't met up yet, I have always had a good idea about how my 'special' friend looks, as I have seen his photo several times, which he says was taken about 5 years ago.

I have really grown to greatly enjoy my special friend's company through regular chatting on the phone and through the emails that we exchange. He has such a wonderful heart, he deeply loves the Lord, and I feel we have both built up a really strong trust between us.......I couldn't have wished to meet a nicer person than him!! - ............BUT just recently he sent me a current photo of himself, and it completely took me by surprise, as he seems to have aquirred quite a weight 'gain' (not obese or anything, but definitely quite stocky, whereas the only other photo of him that I have seen in the past, and which was taken a few years back, he looked nice and slim in!)

Now had I been prepared for this change in his appearance (the weight gain), I wouldn't have been so upset about it, but I really like this man very much, and he has the most wonderful personality and sense of humour.

I'm just looking for advice on my dilema.........

Basically, do any of you think that 'Personality' can be more (or even much more) - important than looks because he does have a 'brilliant' personality, and also.........are any of you now in 'extremely satisfying' relationships or marriages where you have found that his personality, was by far, more important to you than his looks???



I know about the verse which says "Man looks on the outside and Jesus looks upon the heart".......and that's how we should be too, but is it possible to look beyond the 'looks' in a potential 'signifcant other?'



I would greatly welcome everybodys advice!



Thankyou!

 

[LiberatedChick]

I went for personality over looks when my husband and I first got together. I think it's important that a man has a good personality if you're going to spend the rest of your life with him. Whilst I did not think much of my husbands looks when we first got together, I soon began to find him very attractive and now to me he's the sexiest man I've seen and I can't keep my hands off him lol. Besides...that guy you like may slim down again.

 

[Leanna]

You just need to get used to the new look. You can become attracted to what you are used to. It would be helpful if at this point you can start spending time together offline. Otherwise how can you see about the future? It is much different to be together when not writing because then you get to deal with and learn about the annoying habits of the other person.

 

[Jillian1527]

To me a good personality makes a man good looking. I have seen beautiful men turn ugly because of thier personality. and Butt ugly men turn cute because of their personality. its truly amazing. and if you think about it through the years we all change and our spouses love us all the same. I give my husband a lot of credit for watching me get "fat" (pregnant) 2 times. not loose all the baby weight. have mulitple scars from surgerys and he still finds me to be beautiful.
I am sure if you care for your friend you will like his looks.

 

[selune]

I'm sure it was a surprise to find the change in looks, but he seems to have remained the great guy you've met. Remember that people change as they age. If his weight truly bothers you, you could suggest working out together or something if you continue the relationship. Looks can be important, but I think that the person inside is more important.

 

[Crofter]

I think the only way for you to know is to meet.... cos it's more than what you think you think is good looking... so we don't know chemistry is there until you meet up.


A photo doesn't give a very good impression really... it's easy to have a good or bad photo and we are so much more than just a picture.... so he might be Mr Universe 2004 to you in real life... maybe...

 

[GirlieGirl]

Another vote here for how seemingly good looking men transform into trolls before your very eyes if they have a bad attitude or mean personality.

With this relationship, the appearance thing is probably going to be the last hurdle to jump. I know you've heard it from others, but you really don't know a person until you spend a significant amount of time together in person. If I were you, I'd get out there and meet him asap (if you're completely sure that he's not a dangerous person). I wouldn't waste anytime dating a man over letters unless I'd spent time with him in person.

 

[LiberatedChick]

Another vote here for how seemingly good looking men transform into trolls before your very eyes if they have a bad attitude or mean personality.

Very true.
Though one thing to add as some people are suggesting to meet this guy. Don't forget that when you meet for the first time (or even the first few times) make sure it's in a busy public place. I'm sure that he really is lovely guy but it's best to be safe than sorry.

 

[jazzbird]

Beauty is fleeting.....

You seem to think he is a wonderful man, and that counts for so much more than the way he looks.

My DH and I met online, and he sent a couple recent pictures of him before we met, but he still looked really different to me when we met in person for the first time. Not better or worse.....just different. It is so very hard to capture one's mannerisms and such in a photo. A photo shows one still moment, and that is all. You may find him much more attractive in person. Besides, if you found him attractive in his earlier picture, who's to say that he won't slim down again.

 

[SummersEvening]

I am so grateful for all your advice and support because he really does have a wonderful character, which is not always easy to find. I guess underneath it all, I do feel as you all do, that 'a great personality' is definitely worth is weght in gold (and looks fade anyway), but was just looking for some confirmation that my thoughts are on the right track!

Would love to hear some more personal stories of your experiences of your S.O's personality winning you over, way above his looks....................Thanks!!

 

[Jenna]

I met my husband online. At first I had no idea what he looked like, only that he intrigued me. There were things about his personality that I thought were just awesome. So, I set up a meeting in a busy shopping mall and arranged for a 'safe call'.

When I first met Michael, I nearly went into shock. Our situation was just the opposite compared to what you describe for yourself. When I came face to face with him, I could have just died of laughter. The guy was a stick. Really, the first time that I saw him naked, I could count all of his ribs. It almost hurt. However, despite his scrawny wittle bum, his funky face fuzz, and his faded black clothing...He turned out to be absolutely wonderful. At first I didn't feel an attraction, basically because I wasn't expecting what I got. But, once the shock wore off and I got a chance to interact with him in person........ *fans self* Well, everything fixed itself just fine. Of course, it helped that he shaved that funky fuzz off his face. *giggles*

I didn't set out to change him, just to love him the way that he came. In the end though, many things did change. He cut the beautiful hair that he had, which I still miss. Plus, thanks to my good cooking ...*laughs* ....he gained a nice bit of weight so I stopped worrying that I'd snap him like a dry twig. It all came about naturally though.

If you meet this guy and you learn to interact with him and draw off what you know of him, you could very well find yourself with the most mentally and physically beautiful person that you've ever known. Perception has a great bit to do with it, so long as the basic chemistry is there. As far as the weight, it happens. We all have our weaknesses, and it's wonderful to have someone love you just the same, regardless.

Pssstt.... I would have even learned to love face fuzz if I had too. Heeheehee.....

 

[SummersEvening]

Awwww Jenna!

Thank you so much for sharing your cute story about how you felt the very first time you met the man who was later to become your dear husband!

What a great story...........and it certainly is a very encouraging one too!

Thanx!
Thanx!
Thanx Jenna!

 

[Maxxie28]

I am definitely more in love w/ my hubbys personality than I am w/ his looks... (I will agree w/ everyone else tho... I was not the least bit attracted to him until I got to know him) but it would be silly to think that ANY of us didn't base at least part of our opinions on looks. I mean, come on, until the internet in almost EVERY situation our first impressions were based upon looks. We couldn't sit behind a monitor and fall in love w/ a personality first. If you truly are meant to fall in love and be w/ this man forever, you will get over this surprise and it won't mean anything. I definitely understand your surprise... I've had ppl send me 'old' pics and 'recent' pics and I sometimes wondered if they were even the same person!

If you are meant to be w/ this man, the shock will wear off and you won't think about it anymore, but if you can't get past it then I think maybe he's just not your one.

Maybe I have a vain way of thinking about such things (altho, my husband, who hates his looks... would tell you I'm not the least bit vain about such things)... but in reality, as much as we want it to mean nothing, it always does to some extent. The only thing that's always true in situations such as this is that looks never last and a personality sticks forever.

 

[SummersEvening]

If you are meant to be w/ this man, the shock will wear off and you won't think about it anymore, but if you can't get past it then I think maybe he's just not your one.

MrsCozmo, Thank you for your helpful advice.

Regarding the above quote that you made...........Don't worry, I know I will get past this slight hiccup.

God in his loving kindness has been working thoroughly on me - in 'my heart' these past 2 days, to show me that even though my friend, much to my surprise, may have changed in his looks, it is his 'uniquely wonderful personality' that will be with him forever..........and it is his personality, which I find most particularly endearing!

I am giving this all over to The Lord, as I do beleive it was Him who led us to each other in the first place...........and He knows exactly what (or who) is best for His children.

 

[IslandBreeze]

I'll be the shallow one here. I think looks are very important in a relationship. I was attracted to my husband long before (2 years) I ever got to know him. Forgive me for being blunt, but you don't want to wake up next to someone you find unattractive for the rest of your life. I don't think looks are everything, obviously you wouldn't date a handsome jerk. But I do think that finding your mate attractive is very important and beneficial to a relationship.

 

[SummersEvening]

I do agree with you there Islandbreeze, and luckily my friend still has a very handsome face - It was in fact, the extra padding that was the problem as far as I was concerned, but I'm sure with some gentle persausion (** Please Lord let me be tactful with him in this sensitive area!!), and some gentle hints to go back to the gym, he will be able to loose these extra pounds before we finally meet!

 

[Maxxie28]

I wouldn't advise any gentle hints whatsoever... we (overweight ppl) aren't dumb and we pick up on those things in a BIG way cause we are already super sensitive about it. Just something to think about before he may get hurt.

 

[SummersEvening]

Yes Mrs Cozmo you make a very good point there and am quite right! I doubt that I would have actually said anything, unless of course he had first initiated it himself anyway, as I know that would be rather rude!

 

[Galadriel]

edited

 

[Cordy]

I pursued a relationship with my now-husband because I felt lead to marry him. My being with him didn’t have to do with looks. I decided when I was young to try to look at people’s personalities rather than their exteriors. I have discovered that when people have wonderful personalities, they are absolutely beautiful! And those who are considered “gorgeous” by appearance only, but have a negative attitude become ugly. I love my husband, and I think he is the best looking guy on earth. Who knows if others agree with me. I love who he is, and his appearance shines because of it.