For older couples

[Godlovesmetwo]

Those of you in retirement age or approaching. 50 to 60 plus. Do you ever think about who will die first and the effect on the one left surviving?
I would prefer to go before my partner. The thought of being alone and widowed makes life seem rather lonely and sad. It really is tough for someone used to living with a partner for so long.
My father outlived my mother. He was very disorganised at home and ended up in a nursing home at age 80 through dementia and ill-health. Too young in my view. Still.

 

[OK Jeff]

I'm not quite 40 (she is 41) but we've faced this thought when I was sent home from the clinic with "probably leukemia or lymphoma". Spend the night with nothing more than that and see if you don't spend the night on your knees. Turned out I have CML and it likely won't kill me. But it did bring up this topic. We've discussed it in depth. Just the concept of starting over with someone new sounds exhausting (not to make light). The faith in Christ and total commitment it takes to make marriage work is getting to be a rare thing, even among Christians. And she and I compliment each other so well as you described above. My weaknesses are her strengths and vise versa. It's something I hope neither of us has to face for a very long time.

 

[Godlovesmetwo]

Turned out I have CML and it likely won't kill me

CML?

 

[tansy]

Those of you in retirement age or approaching. 50 to 60 plus. Do you ever think about who will die first and the effect on the one left surviving?
I would prefer to go before my partner. The thought of being alone and widowed makes life seem rather lonely and sad. It really is tough for someone used to living with a partner for so long.
My father outlived my mother. He was very disorganised at home and ended up in a nursing home at age 80 through dementia and ill-health. Too young in my view. Still.

I think it depends on various things. It would be tough being left alone after so many years. On the other hand, it partly depends if you have supportive family, friends etc. Perhpas it would also depend if one person basically needed caring for by the other, but if the fitter person died, the other could end up having to go into a care home or something.
My mother died three and a half years ago, leaving my Dad (who's now 90). Had it been the other way around, I think it would have been far harde (for various reasons) for my mother to cope, especially as she was in a lot of ill-health, and then she got cancer. She didn't drive, and it was a lot easier for my Dad to take care of her than it would have been the other way around.
As it is, fortunately there are 6 of us children (though not all are in a position to do as much as others, one lives in Canada) and we all decided with my Dad, that if he needed caring for, he would go and live with my sister and her husband, and as she is a nurse, she'd be better placed to look after him. I'd look after him like a shot, I actually live the closest, but am not in such a good position to do so, at least at present.

 

[OK Jeff]

Chronic Myeloid Leukemia. It's not as bad as it sounds. An pill every day keeps it under control.

 

[Godlovesmetwo]

I actually live the closest, but am not in such a good position to do so, at least at present.

Well I am ashamed to say that I belong to a family of 7 boys but most of us are scattered around the countryside. it was left to the oldest to shoulder responsibility, living in the same town as my father.

 

[tansy]

Well I am ashamed to say that I belong to a family of 7 boys but most of us are scattered around the countryside. it was left to the oldest to shoulder responsibility, living in the same town as my father.

Yes, best will in the world, it's not always possible for adult children to be able to do all the things they'd really like to for their parents ...and especially when they live all over the place. But at least if there's an emergency or he got flu or something , I can get to help my Dad a lot quicker than my siblings, even if I had to catch a bus or cycle it.

 

[joshua 1 9]

Those of you in retirement age or approaching. 50 to 60 plus. Do you ever think about who will die first and the effect on the one left surviving?
I would prefer to go before my partner. The thought of being alone and widowed makes life seem rather lonely and sad. It really is tough for someone used to living with a partner for so long.
My father outlived my mother. He was very disorganised at home and ended up in a nursing home at age 80 through dementia and ill-health. Too young in my view. Still.

My wife comes from a culture of extended families that take care of each other.

 

[Godlovesmetwo]

My wife comes from a culture of extended families that take care of each other.

That is ideal isn't it. Aged care facilities just don't measure up. do they.

 

[joshua 1 9]

That is ideal isn't it. Aged care facilities just don't measure up. do they.

My wife works in assisted living. I think she takes good care of the people there. Someday there will be people who will take care of her. There was a man who fought in WW2. He said I took good care of you during the war. She said yes and now I am taking good care of you. It is all about people working together to take care of each other.

 

[Archie the Preacher]

I would prefer to go before my partner. The thought of being alone and widowed makes life seem rather lonely and sad. It really is tough for someone used to living with a partner for so long.

Paul, that sounds a bit selfish. What about her living without you?

You could at least say you wanted both of you to cash in at the same time.

I'm solo but have heirs, my three children. I'm trying to get organized so they don't have of a mess to clean up after me. (Already have my funeral arrangements made and paid.)

 

[Martinius]

Those of you in retirement age or approaching. 50 to 60 plus. Do you ever think about who will die first and the effect on the one left surviving?
I would prefer to go before my partner. The thought of being alone and widowed makes life seem rather lonely and sad. It really is tough for someone used to living with a partner for so long.
My father outlived my mother. He was very disorganised at home and ended up in a nursing home at age 80 through dementia and ill-health. Too young in my view. Still.

Yes, I think about all of that: what the ramifications would be when one of us dies, how the other person will handle it, who will become the survivor's caretaker. The high possibility of one of us having a chronic condition that worsens over time. And the finances.

I have said (some think it a joke) that if I become a burden or can no longer function in a semi-normal way, "just shoot me."

 

[DaisyDay]

Those of you in retirement age or approaching. 50 to 60 plus. Do you ever think about who will die first and the effect on the one left surviving?

Of course, that's why I married a younger man (if only I could get him to stop smoking again). My grandmother was a widow for longer than she was a wife; when I was a child I felt sorry for her for having to eat alone - but I don't mind that for myself. But I would miss my husband terribly as he is central to my life. I don't get tired of his company the way I do of other people's.

I would prefer to go before my partner. The thought of being alone and widowed makes life seem rather lonely and sad. It really is tough for someone used to living with a partner for so long.

It's a bit easier for guys, if you're so inclined, in that old ladies way outnumber old gents.

My father outlived my mother. He was very disorganised at home and ended up in a nursing home at age 80 through dementia and ill-health. Too young in my view. Still.

My dad thought for sure that he would go first, but it didn't work out as he planned. He died suddenly in his seventies, before dementia and ill-health, which he feared, still in his own home and still independent. He had joined the Hemlock Society, just in case.

 

[Godlovesmetwo]

He had joined the Hemlock Society, just in case.

Hemlock Society?

 

[DaisyDay]

Hemlock Society?

Named for Socrates' potion. Farewell to Hemlock - Killed By It's Name - Assisted Suicide

 

[Godlovesmetwo]

I have said (some think it a joke) that if I become a burden or can no longer function in a semi-normal way, "just shoot me."

A lot of us think that way. No one wants to be a burden. I think I'd prefer "put me to sleep" than being shot though.

 

[Martinius]

A lot of us think that way. No one wants to be a burden. I think I'd prefer "put me to sleep" than being shot though.

You have a point. It was a phrase I have used, but it was not meant to be literal. Of course, such thoughts, which sound like euthanasia, are frowned on by the Catholic church. But I have seen too many people go on and on who are basically non-functional, mentally, physically, or both, to want that for me or anyone I love.

 

[Godlovesmetwo]

Of course, such thoughts, which sound like euthanasia, are frowned on by the Catholic church.

Someone told me that we need the absolutism of the Catholic Church, otherwise we just drift into Godless secularism.
But if I see someone suffering daily, it is hard not for me to pray that they find release through death soon. (severe pain)

 

[Archie the Preacher]

I have often thought I would prefer going 125 miles per hour into a bridge abutment than to spending my last few years (or many years) in 'the home' with tubes stuck everywhere a tube could be stuck.

No, I will not follow that plan. I will not disregard what the Lord has planned (ordained). My duty is to remain at my place of duty until relieved. On the other hand, it is the Lord's prerogative to determine the time and manner of my graduation into Eternity. He knows about what He does.

 

[Godlovesmetwo]

Paul, that sounds a bit selfish. What about her living without you?

You could at least say you wanted both of you to cash in at the same time.

I'm solo but have heirs, my three children. I'm trying to get organized so they don't have of a mess to clean up after me. (Already have my funeral arrangements made and paid.)

sorry i missed this post archie.
I don't have any kids and I'm kind of an introvert. it's a worry.
Women seem to cope better with widowhood?? I dunno.
Yeah both go at the same time would be ideal I suppose. But that sounds like a suicide pact too.