For older couples

[Godlovesmetwo]

It's a bit easier for guys, if you're so inclined, in that old ladies way outnumber old gents.

I really cant imagine chasing the opposite sex after a partner dying. I don't want to think about it now anyway.

 

[Archie the Preacher]

I don't have any kids and I'm kind of an introvert. it's a worry.

I'm rather introverted myself. To the point of being somewhat selfish. I work on that and God keeps on me about it.

Women seem to cope better with widowhood?? I dunno.

I suggest 'widowhood' or 'widowerhood' is a rather individual matter. Who deals with it better is up in the air. Right now there is an older couple at church; the husband is slipping to dementia and the wife is functionally a widow. She has family to be with her, but it's sad.

No. I do NOT have any bright ideas.

Yeah both go at the same time would be ideal I suppose. But that sounds like a suicide pact too.

That is not what I meant. From the smiley, I think you knew that.

Truthfully, I'm not married - currently - and I have no intention to change my marital status. (Three divorces in the past.) Still, I would have no desire to die and leave my wife alone; even if I left her with the physical and financial ability to live a physical comfortable life. And I'm not fully convinced being alone as I am is better than having been able to keep one of those wives I lost (they're all alive).

But here I am and doing my best to honor God.

 

[Dave-W]

Chronic Myeloid Leukemia. It's not as bad as it sounds. An pill every day keeps it under control.

You probably have my uncle Gary to thank for that, at least in part.

He passed in 2010 and was diagnosed with that some 21 years earlier. Before him the longest survival time for Myeloid Leukemia was 12 years. He was involved in every drug test and every experimental treatment for the entire 21 years. He was determined to let the doctors and scientists find out every thing they could from his condition.

 

[Martinius]

I really cant imagine chasing the opposite sex after a partner dying. I don't want to think about it now anyway.

If that happens to me, I will let the women chase me. The odds would be in my favor, and I have seen it happen with widowers. Although with my luck, I will have lost interest by then.

 

[DaisyDay]

I really cant imagine chasing the opposite sex after a partner dying. I don't want to think about it now anyway.

From what I understand, gents don't have to do the chasing.

Loneliness and boredom have long term ill-effects. I wouldn't judge someone else for the effort.

I doubt I would chase anyone, but if I met someone that I actually got along with...well, that seems unlikely (which is why I've held on to Mr. Daisyday so long despite...everything).

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I'm in my mid 30s and been married almost 4 years now. I thought about death way back when I was in my early 20s when it came to marriage.

Now that I am older I have some guilt about if I should die first. I mean odds are I will because of all my health issues and of course the tons of meds I take which destroy your body. As it is I am down to one kidney. My is from another country, a country where she has TONS of family and they take care of each other. If I die first I'm not sure how she will survive here or get back home since its costs alot. Especially if she gives up her countries citizenship in a year or two.

I don't want her to be alone and taken advantage by even older men who want to use her. And in her case people in her country live much longer then we americans do. Of course if she went first, I'd not be able to survive at all. I have a hard time understanding things, remembering bills..etc. And I'd VERY much die of a broken heart. I've never been good at being alone.

So its why I just pray God comes back before we are elderly this way we can just "rapture" at the same time and no one has to be alone then.

 

[Godlovesmetwo]

Sounds like you need a full-time carer, NI Impossible. Your ill- health is a concern.

 

[HannahT]

Those of you in retirement age or approaching. 50 to 60 plus. Do you ever think about who will die first and the effect on the one left surviving?
I would prefer to go before my partner. The thought of being alone and widowed makes life seem rather lonely and sad. It really is tough for someone used to living with a partner for so long.
My father outlived my mother. He was very disorganised at home and ended up in a nursing home at age 80 through dementia and ill-health. Too young in my view. Still.

I've thought about it.

We were about 3 years from retirement, and this week when he returned from a knee replacement operation they offered to buy him out. They have a younger man there to take his place. He also has a arthritic disease, and his job is critical to the company. I think they felt he might have to go out for other things down the road, and felt that offering him a generous package was better. We also found that he was the 3rd person in management this has happened to. He wants to push our plans that we had forward, and I'm mad after 40 years of service at what they did. It scares me. I know we will be okay, but still. I guess the unexpected threw me for a loop. It's only be three days, so I guess I need to wrap my mind around it.

As you can tell he has health issues, and his mother passed a little while ago. So, we have inherited his brother whom can't live alone. His mother and brother were helping each other out when they lived together, and lived at the end of our block. I helped with their caregiving after I closed my business years ago. We are currently finishing our basement to a bed and bath for him. In another three years we were moving to some land we brought down south, and building a house with 2 master's to make him feel at home.

Both of them depend on me - his brother more so. So, yes I worry. My oldest plans to move down with us, and we teased her that she can be our caregiver once the time comes. Yet, you don't know what life will bring...and we were not serious anyway. I have no doubt she would help in some ways. I'm also not sure what I would do with myself if both of them died, and I was left alone. We have our trust/wills in place, and things are made clear to make sure the BIL is taken care of in case the H and I go first as well. That poor man would be lost I'm afraid. I don't see his siblings stepping UP.

So, I guess in the best case scenario would be me being last would be best. I'm not looking forward to that, because as you said it would be sad and lonely. Although my friend has been widowed for 16 years, and you do snap out of it if you put effort into it. My mother did the same thing, and got involved with griefing groups. She found that especially women of her generation - and prior - were left at a disadvantage. Their husband's did everything, and they didn't know how to write checks, pay bills, nor know where the important papers were. She did workshops to show them how to do basic things. How to carefully look for help for things they did need, and were something a professional needed to do. She showed men the kitchen, laundry, and other things their wives did - and again told them about scams, etc. Showed them how to protect themselves so the didn't get ripped off or hurt.

Mother died of dementia, and disorganization is just one sign of the disease. I was caregiving for all three at one time - the reason for closing the business. I call that disease the long goodbye. You lose bits of pieces of them all along the way. Because of her I fear that could also be my path for my H and his brother to be left with. That would be a mess too.

I think it is normal and healthy to think of such things. I really do. You also have to think about what would happen if the worse case scenario happened as well. Plan for the worse, and if it doesn't happen? So much the better.

So, all I have told my kids was if I get into a circumstance like my mother? Get me OUT of the long term care facility to a hospital - even if they claim it would kill me - to allow me to die. I watched my mother go through the dying process for a long 14 days. The longest that facility had ever dealt with. It's worse for the patient, because the care isn't the same as in the hospital. In the hospital they can help that process along in ways better for me - and my kids. That was the most AWFUL 14 days of my life!

Dying and a change of life is difficult for anyone. It's just part of life. It's also the next journey for those left behind.

 

[Godlovesmetwo]

I've thought about it.

We were about 3 years from retirement, and this week when he returned from a knee replacement operation they offered to buy him out. They have a younger man there to take his place. He also has a arthritic disease, and his job is critical to the company. I think they felt he might have to go out for other things down the road, and felt that offering him a generous package was better. We also found that he was the 3rd person in management this has happened to. He wants to push our plans that we had forward, and I'm mad after 40 years of service at what they did. It scares me. I know we will be okay, but still. I guess the unexpected threw me for a loop. It's only be three days, so I guess I need to wrap my mind around it.

As you can tell he has health issues, and his mother passed a little while ago. So, we have inherited his brother whom can't live alone. His mother and brother were helping each other out when they lived together, and lived at the end of our block. I helped with their caregiving after I closed my business years ago. We are currently finishing our basement to a bed and bath for him. In another three years we were moving to some land we brought down south, and building a house with 2 master's to make him feel at home.

Both of them depend on me - his brother more so. So, yes I worry. My oldest plans to move down with us, and we teased her that she can be our caregiver once the time comes. Yet, you don't know what life will bring...and we were not serious anyway. I have no doubt she would help in some ways. I'm also not sure what I would do with myself if both of them died, and I was left alone. We have our trust/wills in place, and things are made clear to make sure the BIL is taken care of in case the H and I go first as well. That poor man would be lost I'm afraid. I don't see his siblings stepping UP.

So, I guess in the best case scenario would be me being last would be best. I'm not looking forward to that, because as you said it would be sad and lonely. Although my friend has been widowed for 16 years, and you do snap out of it if you put effort into it. My mother did the same thing, and got involved with griefing groups. She found that especially women of her generation - and prior - were left at a disadvantage. Their husband's did everything, and they didn't know how to write checks, pay bills, nor know where the important papers were. She did workshops to show them how to do basic things. How to carefully look for help for things they did need, and were something a professional needed to do. She showed men the kitchen, laundry, and other things their wives did - and again told them about scams, etc. Showed them how to protect themselves so the didn't get ripped off or hurt.

Mother died of dementia, and disorganization is just one sign of the disease. I was caregiving for all three at one time - the reason for closing the business. I call that disease the long goodbye. You lose bits of pieces of them all along the way. Because of her I fear that could also be my path for my H and his brother to be left with. That would be a mess too.

I think it is normal and healthy to think of such things. I really do. You also have to think about what would happen if the worse case scenario happened as well. Plan for the worse, and if it doesn't happen? So much the better.

So, all I have told my kids was if I get into a circumstance like my mother? Get me OUT of the long term care facility to a hospital - even if they claim it would kill me - to allow me to die. I watched my mother go through the dying process for a long 14 days. The longest that facility had ever dealt with. It's worse for the patient, because the care isn't the same as in the hospital. In the hospital they can help that process along in ways better for me - and my kids. That was the most AWFUL 14 days of my life!

Dying and a change of life is difficult for anyone. It's just part of life. It's also the next journey for those left behind.

I am so impressed and deeply moved by your post Hannah. Thank you so much.
It seems the world is lucky people like you are in it, to provide the love and care for those in need. I pray that you get your just reward and receive the same attention you give/gave to them.

 

[akmom]

It's not just a question for older adults. My husband and I are in our 30s and we have a few widowed friends already. It would be very hard. But we have discussed it, and I almost think widowhood would be harder later in life. I mean, it would be very difficult to be a single parent all of the sudden, but so many people understand that and step in. Plus you have so many connections at that stage of life... through your children, your job, your friends... and that potential to make new connections (whether you remarry or not). It seems that later in life, people are less connected. They may be retired, less able to change careers, less social, and much less involved with their children. Plus they had a whole lifetime with their spouse and know nothing else... I think it would be MUCH harder to lose a spouse later than now. (Of course, I do want it to be later; I don't want to lose mine now!)

I think it's important to stay connected for that reason. I always push my husband to accept invitations and reciprocate, and maintain those friendships even when he'd rather just be at home with family. It's easy to be reclusive when you have a happy family. But that reciprocation with the wider community is important on so many levels. My mother's church was crucial when she became a widow, and I'm glad she had them. It would be much, much harder to start those relationships over from scratch after widowhood; it's much better to turn to relationships you've already established. Especially if you don't work in a traditional setting where you interact with people. People NEED interaction, even if it's just niceties. But deep friendships are much more fulfilling.