Feels like I'm giving up.

[winterbluebells]

I've been waiting what seems a long time for God...when I think it was only around last August this started, it seems strange because it seems so much longer for that. Only I feel I'm not getting anywhere at the moment, if worse. I sometimes get angry with God although I know He Is perfect but sometimes I just feel alone and think maybe He doesn't exist. I think I've have OCD a long time, although I am not treated for it, because I don't think my doctor would keep it confidential. But I think that it was after looking for God it got worse. So bad I was tapping everything, spending hours tapping things and getting out at night to tap the carpet. I think it was because I was so nervous about hell, terrified my family or I would end up burning there. Since then, the tapping has mostly stopped, only, it's in my head, horrible blaspheming thoughts which I want to go away but I think I have programmed my brain to hate myself; it feels like myself wants the worst for me, but I don't want to disobey God. It's just, I've prayed. I've read the Bible. I didn't understand the one my dad uses (I think he's a Christian but I just feel I can't talk to him or anyone about it - I'm too shy, and I can't seem to be able to get over the awkwardness or fear) so I went out and bought what I thought looked a more simple version. But not long after reading it, I thought I found a contradiction, and I've given up since then because it's so hard to understand. Maybe I'm just stupid, but I find it hard. I thought about trying to find a children's one sometime but I've been feeling so pessimistic and depressed I feel like I've just given up. When I try to find out things about God, it feels like a chore, which is awful, but I just want to get it over with. I just want to take my mind away from God, because being honest, I do not come to God out of love. I cannot feel remorse, because I don't love Him. I cannot stop sinning. I'm more worried about punishment than God's Feelings. I don't even find the subject of God very interesting. In RS lessons, sometimes I'm longing to get out and go home, sometimes I like them because my teacher is religious yet she acts like it doesn't matter whether you believe or not, which I know is wrong but I feel comforted by it. I don't think I can be saved; I certainly doesn't seem like someone special. I've tried doing good things, sometimes asking for no reward so I feel I'm doing it just for God. I'm just terrified of punishment though. Terrified of something horrible happening in this life. Terrified of my family or I burning in hell.

 

[God's Salvation]

Hi winterbluebells. God doesn't save you because you do good things. Salvation is a gift from God, that He paid for with His life. If you'll stop beating yourself up, you will be able to receive God's gift. He loves you. Isn't anything in your life going right that you can be thankful for? Surely it's not all bad. No, God understands that you are not perfect. He isn't going to send you to hell for seeking Him.

I have read posts by a lot of caring people, giving you good advice, and you are still reaching out, because you are hurting. Sometimes it takes time for pain to go away, to feel better. Wait on God. You may find that He is a good guy, after all.

I have been praying for you almost every night, and I'll pray for you tonight. I hope that you feel better soon.

 

[Autumnleaf]

If you have OCD and see a Dr. and that doctor doesn't keep it comfidential you can sue them for everything and probably win.

"The Office for Civil Rights enforces the HIPAA Privacy Rule, which protects the privacy of individually identifiable health information; the HIPAA Security Rule, which sets national standards for the security of electronic protected health information; and the confidentiality provisions of the Patient Safety Rule, which protect identifiable information being used to analyze patient safety events and improve patient safety."
http://www.hhs.gov/ocr/privacy/