Marriage, attraction, and growth

[Jesuslovinworkinprogress]

I’m curious. In marriage is it alright to find other people attractive, or call people hot? I’m growing in my masculinity and didn’t have a great role model growing up. Sometimes me and my wife will watch something and she mention a guy is hot and it bothers me. I assume because of my own insecurities. Me personally it doesn’t feel right if I think the same way. Because I have eyes for my spouse, is that wrong, is that just a personal conviction? Any thoughts?

 

[Reluctant Theologian]

I’m curious. In marriage is it alright to find other people attractive, or call people hot? I’m growing in my masculinity and didn’t have a great role model growing up. Sometimes me and my wife will watch something and she mention a guy is hot and it bothers me. I assume because of my own insecurities. Me personally it doesn’t feel right if I think the same way. Because I have eyes for my spouse, is that wrong, is that just a personal conviction? Any thoughts?

Being a man or woman may bring with it you may also consider other people than your partner 'attractive'; yet expressing that aloud to your partner without being asked causes hurt (and therefore is unwise). Also it's not healthy to dwell on beauty you may notice 'elsewhere', because what you feed will grow, what you starve will die.

Do the things that strengthen your marriage and make your partner feel valued - ask yourself how you can make her day better; and vice-versa of course. Compliment your wife on things you truly admire her for ... (without being fake or just expecting a reward).

Post edit: work on things that make yourself more attractive to your wife (spiritual life, work, health, parenting) - usually those things almost by definition make you a 'better' man ..

 

[timf]

Assessing attractiveness is an interesting exercise. In the 1920s there were a number of actresses that were seen as attractive. However, when sound was added to film, voice quality made many unattractive. This is a picture of how adding dimensions affects an attractiveness score. Because of visual media like TV we tend to consider physical appearance as the most important attribute for consideration. However, as you get to know someone their character qualities begin to rise in importance.

In the movie The Ten Commandments Moses is told by a worker in the mud pits that beauty was a curse for their women (in that it attracted unwanted attention). Consider today the people that have physical attractiveness and are tempted into the world of modeling or acting. It is difficult to think of a less healthy environment for a Christian. Even non-Christians can suffer for exposure to these toxic worlds.

 

[Aaron112]

Even non-Christians can suffer for exposure to these toxic worlds.

Vanity of vanity, all is vain. Everyone suffers who seeks to look good to others.

 

[RileyG]

You cannot control who you're attracted to, but you control your speech and actions. I'm saying that a single person who has never been in a relationship.

 

[Michie]

I’m curious. In marriage is it alright to find other people attractive, or call people hot? I’m growing in my masculinity and didn’t have a great role model growing up. Sometimes me and my wife will watch something and she mention a guy is hot and it bothers me. I assume because of my own insecurities. Me personally it doesn’t feel right if I think the same way. Because I have eyes for my spouse, is that wrong, is that just a personal conviction? Any thoughts?

I hate that term “hot”. It sounds very lustful. It’s one thing to call someone attractive quite another to label them hot. And while it’s normal to notice attractive people, it’s one thing to notice and another thing to look at others as a visual buffet. I think there is a very fine line to walk. Otherwise it comes off as very insensitive to your spouse.

You might inquire here for advice next time.

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