- Jan 9, 2021
- 105
- 53
- Country
- United States
- Gender
- Male
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Single
I counted, there are about twelve people across my life that I still cannot forgive for how they've treated me, be it for an instant of deep emotionally wounding that affected me thereafter or for repeated bullying. I was once thoroughly resentful and bitter after I saw how this cost me. When I could no longer take the mental illness, the disappointment with life, the hatred of what happened to me, I had rebelled against God in blasphemy for three months, week after week. Psychological trauma can damage the mind like sticks and stones can damage the body.
I've moved on from the deep bitterness after finally having accepted Jesus in my heart and having occurred to me to pray about it, receiving a healing I held fast to with the highest gratitude I had, more and more, until here I am here today. I am contented with life and walk with Jesus in all His ways in my daily walk, but I am prompted to finish the remaining tips of the bitter roots deep in my heart for these and potential future mean people. It seems the answer really is forgiveness, but I am open to any other tips as well.
I have some preconceptions about forgiveness:
1) Instant forgiveness is bad sometimes, especially if it lets people walk over you over and over. This happened to me in childhood. Forgiveness should be done when the offending party repents. Real forgiveness, from the heart, instead of as an ideal to do as fast as possible, should heal the soul rather than store up resentment.
2) How does one have a chance to forgive if one never gets to meet someone again? Is turning them and their offenses over the Jesus for forgiveness the way to forgive them and let go?
3) What if the abuser is a complete evil narcissistic psycho instead of someone who is just of a mean personality or having a bad day? That takes an extra long time to forgive compared to the above, and probably not in person. The Israelites didn't forgive the Canaanites on the battlefield, they conquered them. Jesus didn't just stand there and forgive the mob when they chased Him, He escaped (when it was not yet His time [to be captured]). When Jesus says turn the other cheek, He's speaking of social dynamics of getting along with fellow people where there are friends and enemies and heated disagreements, not threat-to-safety situations and abusive malice that needs to be escaped or survived. Love will always calm the troubled waters of anyone except someone with evil criminal malice against you.
4) What is forgiveness really anyways? I've come across many definitions. I think forgiveness means to let go of the the fault or the person on the mind, and to turn it over to God to handle the injustice, but still once bitten twice shy if the person is bad influence or dangerous of course, gotta stay safe and sane. Forgive but don't necessarily forget.
in-depth detail with this struggle
==========
My trouble is autism, lacking "theory of mind". Emotional abuse to me is like salt to a snail, and I got huge doses of it. People are a mystery to me, even my family and myself. I don't know people, I just exist, experience, and do and they exist, experience, and do. I do get vibes from people though, but I don't have a sense for / know who anyone is besides my vague familiarity with them. Because of this, on a fundamental level of my being/instinct, I can't trust and be comfortable with people I've never met, and I've never been able to do anything about this; it's instinctual and involuntary for me to feel social anxiety that can be crippling. Except those I am familiar with on an unconscious level, which takes a long long time of socializing with them, people are kind-of scary to me because they're unknowns. This, in addition to C-PTSD freeze, makes me very vulnerable to (perceived) emotional abuse, and I have struggled with this tremendously as a huge stumbling block.
So, the occasional insults, rudeness, etc. from people I know and trust feels okay or relatable or even defend-able against (in good humor and kindness of course!). But people I don't know, if they are rude to me, I basically C-PTSD freeze and feel shamefully embarrassed, and end up thinking "I should have said" afterwards to point out it is bad to insult - WHY DO THEY DO IT! - or if I could to do as above a humor the comment back to a civil conversation, but I lack the wit/skill/finesse, especially with unfamiliar people. This can take me from contentment and bliss to frustration, anger, and even resentment with thoughts like "THEY REPAID ME EVIL FOR GOOD AND FELT GOOD ABOUT IT!" or "I'M HOLIER THAN THOU!" type thoughts. People sometimes make no sense to me, seemingly at random being mean just because they can. Recent experience shows me I struggle very little with such cognitive distortions, but with these bitter roots, I still can feel upset quickly in the moment towards strangers who make particularly mean remarks, and this gets in the way of my walk with Jesus in that moment, feeling shaken and stumbling, freezing instead of being able to show compassion and functionally continue the conversation, and I still think about them too much afterwards and if I'm not very careful to guard against it, feel resentment starting to spring up again with the old bitter root tips there in my heart still. It seems like I'm guessing American culture necessitates sometimes rough interaction to toughen each other up except in the most professional business interaction, and I just can't do that and end up uneasy and fuming over more serious remarks instead. This doesn't seem right to me.
Injustice makes me upset too much because of how the trauma of it cost me, but I'm completely concerned about storing up treasures in Heaven rather than "praises of men," I must not be concerned with how this world has damaged/scarred or may further damage/scar me with respect to that (I think of what Jesus and His disciples had to go through). I'm just lucky to be with Jesus; many traumatized people get their destines ruined by turning their backs on God permanently, and that tragedy may never stop enraging me vicariously, which makes it harder for me to forgive pathological (e.g. especially psychopathic/evil) abusers.
I don't want to judge the people I haven't forgiven yet - I want nobody to have to face bad consequences or the Wrath of God and all to come to repentance - but I've been hurt so many times I might just start talking back, clumsily and frustrated with lost cool, even if I'm scared or embarrassed afterwards. I should keep trying courageously until I learn the skill to put people down who really insult me, to protect my own sanity, psyche, and emotional/mental health from shame (and hopefully snapping them out of a pattern of negative behavior towards others too!), because life experience (at least especially before being a Christian) shows me simply being quiet or pretending to ignore insults was highly psychologically damaging.
I don't know how and why this works; why can't I just ignore and be happy and not feel pain instead of making a comeback and feeling proud (it definitely isn't good (when stuck in) a spirit of bitterness), but being silent wasn't good for my particular mind and I don't know if it is good for any mind. But Jesus did plenty of rebuking; how do I do the same without insulting back and repaying evil for evil? I see it all over the Christian-bent news anyways, they preach and do: stick to your rights, be strong, and call people out when they attack you. I may not have the brain power to do such anymore anyways, years of powerful psychiatric medicine have blunted my cognitive abilities to where I'm more disabled than when I first got diagnosed with mental illness. This be strong but kind mentality I feel the burn over; I've always just wanted to be kind but the hurt of this world because I wasn't strong has cost me to the point of fuming at times over why I was ever here in the first place as a human being. Regardless of what is best for me to do, I want to be free of that bondage of bitterness, to be as wise as a serpent but as harmless as a dove always.
==========
So, how do I forgive the people I may no longer ever see again from the past, and how do I strengthen myself to not be shocked by insults from strangers? Rudeness and having-a-bad-day attitudes don't bother me anymore, and real insults are few and far between, and ones that I actually remember are rare fortunately, but these bitter roots must be uprooted. How do I (find the strength to) up-root the tips of the bitter roots in my heart over this? I've been praying about this yesterday. I feel as small of a part of me as the bitter root tips are now, I can still be completely transformed into a new person and know freedom I couldn't fathom before in resolving this lingering bitterness. Praise Jesus!
I've moved on from the deep bitterness after finally having accepted Jesus in my heart and having occurred to me to pray about it, receiving a healing I held fast to with the highest gratitude I had, more and more, until here I am here today. I am contented with life and walk with Jesus in all His ways in my daily walk, but I am prompted to finish the remaining tips of the bitter roots deep in my heart for these and potential future mean people. It seems the answer really is forgiveness, but I am open to any other tips as well.
I have some preconceptions about forgiveness:
1) Instant forgiveness is bad sometimes, especially if it lets people walk over you over and over. This happened to me in childhood. Forgiveness should be done when the offending party repents. Real forgiveness, from the heart, instead of as an ideal to do as fast as possible, should heal the soul rather than store up resentment.
2) How does one have a chance to forgive if one never gets to meet someone again? Is turning them and their offenses over the Jesus for forgiveness the way to forgive them and let go?
3) What if the abuser is a complete evil narcissistic psycho instead of someone who is just of a mean personality or having a bad day? That takes an extra long time to forgive compared to the above, and probably not in person. The Israelites didn't forgive the Canaanites on the battlefield, they conquered them. Jesus didn't just stand there and forgive the mob when they chased Him, He escaped (when it was not yet His time [to be captured]). When Jesus says turn the other cheek, He's speaking of social dynamics of getting along with fellow people where there are friends and enemies and heated disagreements, not threat-to-safety situations and abusive malice that needs to be escaped or survived. Love will always calm the troubled waters of anyone except someone with evil criminal malice against you.
4) What is forgiveness really anyways? I've come across many definitions. I think forgiveness means to let go of the the fault or the person on the mind, and to turn it over to God to handle the injustice, but still once bitten twice shy if the person is bad influence or dangerous of course, gotta stay safe and sane. Forgive but don't necessarily forget.
in-depth detail with this struggle
==========
My trouble is autism, lacking "theory of mind". Emotional abuse to me is like salt to a snail, and I got huge doses of it. People are a mystery to me, even my family and myself. I don't know people, I just exist, experience, and do and they exist, experience, and do. I do get vibes from people though, but I don't have a sense for / know who anyone is besides my vague familiarity with them. Because of this, on a fundamental level of my being/instinct, I can't trust and be comfortable with people I've never met, and I've never been able to do anything about this; it's instinctual and involuntary for me to feel social anxiety that can be crippling. Except those I am familiar with on an unconscious level, which takes a long long time of socializing with them, people are kind-of scary to me because they're unknowns. This, in addition to C-PTSD freeze, makes me very vulnerable to (perceived) emotional abuse, and I have struggled with this tremendously as a huge stumbling block.
So, the occasional insults, rudeness, etc. from people I know and trust feels okay or relatable or even defend-able against (in good humor and kindness of course!). But people I don't know, if they are rude to me, I basically C-PTSD freeze and feel shamefully embarrassed, and end up thinking "I should have said" afterwards to point out it is bad to insult - WHY DO THEY DO IT! - or if I could to do as above a humor the comment back to a civil conversation, but I lack the wit/skill/finesse, especially with unfamiliar people. This can take me from contentment and bliss to frustration, anger, and even resentment with thoughts like "THEY REPAID ME EVIL FOR GOOD AND FELT GOOD ABOUT IT!" or "I'M HOLIER THAN THOU!" type thoughts. People sometimes make no sense to me, seemingly at random being mean just because they can. Recent experience shows me I struggle very little with such cognitive distortions, but with these bitter roots, I still can feel upset quickly in the moment towards strangers who make particularly mean remarks, and this gets in the way of my walk with Jesus in that moment, feeling shaken and stumbling, freezing instead of being able to show compassion and functionally continue the conversation, and I still think about them too much afterwards and if I'm not very careful to guard against it, feel resentment starting to spring up again with the old bitter root tips there in my heart still. It seems like I'm guessing American culture necessitates sometimes rough interaction to toughen each other up except in the most professional business interaction, and I just can't do that and end up uneasy and fuming over more serious remarks instead. This doesn't seem right to me.
Injustice makes me upset too much because of how the trauma of it cost me, but I'm completely concerned about storing up treasures in Heaven rather than "praises of men," I must not be concerned with how this world has damaged/scarred or may further damage/scar me with respect to that (I think of what Jesus and His disciples had to go through). I'm just lucky to be with Jesus; many traumatized people get their destines ruined by turning their backs on God permanently, and that tragedy may never stop enraging me vicariously, which makes it harder for me to forgive pathological (e.g. especially psychopathic/evil) abusers.
I don't want to judge the people I haven't forgiven yet - I want nobody to have to face bad consequences or the Wrath of God and all to come to repentance - but I've been hurt so many times I might just start talking back, clumsily and frustrated with lost cool, even if I'm scared or embarrassed afterwards. I should keep trying courageously until I learn the skill to put people down who really insult me, to protect my own sanity, psyche, and emotional/mental health from shame (and hopefully snapping them out of a pattern of negative behavior towards others too!), because life experience (at least especially before being a Christian) shows me simply being quiet or pretending to ignore insults was highly psychologically damaging.
I don't know how and why this works; why can't I just ignore and be happy and not feel pain instead of making a comeback and feeling proud (it definitely isn't good (when stuck in) a spirit of bitterness), but being silent wasn't good for my particular mind and I don't know if it is good for any mind. But Jesus did plenty of rebuking; how do I do the same without insulting back and repaying evil for evil? I see it all over the Christian-bent news anyways, they preach and do: stick to your rights, be strong, and call people out when they attack you. I may not have the brain power to do such anymore anyways, years of powerful psychiatric medicine have blunted my cognitive abilities to where I'm more disabled than when I first got diagnosed with mental illness. This be strong but kind mentality I feel the burn over; I've always just wanted to be kind but the hurt of this world because I wasn't strong has cost me to the point of fuming at times over why I was ever here in the first place as a human being. Regardless of what is best for me to do, I want to be free of that bondage of bitterness, to be as wise as a serpent but as harmless as a dove always.
==========
So, how do I forgive the people I may no longer ever see again from the past, and how do I strengthen myself to not be shocked by insults from strangers? Rudeness and having-a-bad-day attitudes don't bother me anymore, and real insults are few and far between, and ones that I actually remember are rare fortunately, but these bitter roots must be uprooted. How do I (find the strength to) up-root the tips of the bitter roots in my heart over this? I've been praying about this yesterday. I feel as small of a part of me as the bitter root tips are now, I can still be completely transformed into a new person and know freedom I couldn't fathom before in resolving this lingering bitterness. Praise Jesus!
