Hi deerglow,
May God bless you with wisdom and discernment as you go through this time of trial.
I'm always just a bit disturbed when I meet people who say to me, or their testimony is that they've been saved since 5-10-14, etc. Most five year olds still believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, so it's not hard to understand that they don't have any understanding of what 'being saved' is supposed to mean even now as an adult, so they certainly had no idea at the age that they claim that they were.
I hope that you don't take this as some condemnatory explanation, but take it as something to seriously consider and that does sound like what's happening. You've come to a crossroads of identification and belief and you're wanting to seriously investigate your position before God. That's a good thing and hopefully the result will strengthen your faith to live a life of love for your God that will end in your ultimate death and then resurrection of the righteous.
As I understand the Scriptures, and you will get a lot of disagreement on this, no one is saved today. What happens to us in this life is that an individual may be born again. Born of the Spirit of God to a life of faith and trust in God and on the day of God's judgement, will then be saved from the day that God separates the sheep from the goats. Paul writes to us that when we are born again, we are given the indwelling Spirit of God as our 'guarantee' that 'we will be saved'.
And you also were included in Christ when you heard the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation. When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession—to the praise of his glory.
He says that we are marked with a seal, the Holy Spirit, who is a deposit given to us as our guarantee that on the day that God redeems those who are His, we will be included. He says that this is the gospel of our salvation. In other words the truth of what it means to 'be saved'.
Then when we read Jesus' explanation of the sower and what actually becomes of people who hear the gospel, we know that one can 'go down front and be saved', as we like to put it, but wind up not making it to the end of the journey.
For me, here's the difference. Obedience to the law. What is the law? Love the Lord your God with all that you are and others as yourself. But Jesus did give an order of hierarchy for those two laws. The first and foremost is love for God. We can love others like nobodies business. We can just give everything that we have to help others and comfort them and be there for them, but if we haven't kept the first law, then we're in the same boat as what we're told of the Mosaic law. To break one is the same as having broken them all.
Do you really love God. Is He the most important personage in your life? More important than your boyfriend or your parents. Do you love him, as Jesus asks of us, in a manner that encourages you to want to obey Him? Jesus said, "If you love me, you will keep my commands." Do you love God?
Now, you're young and your thoughts and understandings are incomplete and, as yet, unsettled. You want to say that you love God, which is what becomes of a heart that is born again, born of God's Spirit, but you've spent some time identifying as an atheist. Really? You love God and you know that He exists is your testimony, but you've considered, for a time, identifying as an atheist? That's not a congruent lifestyle.
So, I hope that you don't take this as any outright condemnation. You're young and hopefully will have many years to live for God if that is what you choose. However, I would encourage some serious prayer and soul searching for what you really believe about God and your relationship with him. Jesus speaks of the day of his Father's judgment and tells us that there are going to be many people crying out to him that he must know them because of the great things that they did upon the earth in his name. Friend, understand that those people standing before Jesus on that day lived a life thinking that they were 'saved'. They did mighty things in the name of Jesus because they understood who Jesus was and called out in his name to do things for them. But, there is something that was apparently missing. Love for God. Paul writes some very condemning words about love and the consequences of not having it.
If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.
So, this idea of loving God is a lot more than just having the knowledge and wisdom and power of speaking with the tongues of angels or performing miracles such as moving mountains or prophesying of the things of God or being charitably generous to others. Find out what it means to love God.
God bless you,
In Christ, ted
