...Anyway I decided to speak with Matt today, basically we have decided that I am going to live somewhere else. He refuses to look into divorce and I know it doesn't seem like it but I really don't want to hurt him anymore.
I'm glad you decided not to hurt Matt anymore. At least not hurting him shows you have some compassion.
I would not cut ties with him entirely unless you decide to marry Eddie. You may find that Matt will be a man you can return to, and you may find out, after a while with Eddie, that you hate him as much as you loved him before the break up of his marriage.
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Eddie, the guy who I have been having an affair with is no longer married. His wife divorced him when he admitted to cheating. She took his kids out of the country. I know that I should say that I'll never see him again but it's not true. He's the only person on earth who has loved me unconditionally, I can't leave him.
I agree with the comments about Eddie. My husband left his first wife, we'll call her C, for another women, CJ. He and C had three boys together--one was only a year old. He had seen CJ years before, and he had always wanted to be with her. She was attractive, very cute, had a great figure, and she was his dream girl. He had wanted her from afar for years, but he never dreamed he would ever get the chance to have her. He and C became friends with CJ and her husband.
He had a birthday, and his wife, C, was going to be out of town. She trusted him, and so she asked CJ to go out with him for his birthday. That night, he and CJ spent the night together. Apparently his wife didn't know that CJ and her husband were having difficulties.
It wasn't long before he was spending all his time with CJ, neglecting his children, and everything else. When C found out, she divorced him taking his boys with her. He ended up paying several thousand dollars a month in child support, but he thought he was happy with CJ.
His family was quite disgusted with him. His mother said, "Well, since you've left your children now, you might as well marry CJ." She was not at all happy. The rest of his family was not happy. But he thought he was, and he married her.
CJ, who always had issues, started using drugs fairly heavily. I don't know for sure what, but she smoked MJ all the time and did other drugs--cocaine maybe. Because of his job, he had to not smoke (though he had smoked with her when they first met). So he quit, and she continued.
He then started being irritated that he quit and she did not. So he started pressuring her to quit. She resented it, and she found another man. She left him, ran off with this man, spent her share of the money they had accumulated together with this other man, then came back and lived with him again. She was worse messed up by then, but he took her back. Then she found another man. She left with him.
I met him at this time. I imagine she would have come back again until she found another man to go with again.
She is now on her third or fourth husband. I guess she is at least somewhat happy now. He struggled with a lot of bitterness about it all. He says now that he would never have left his first wife if he could go back again. He regrets giving up his boys. It has been devastating for one of them, and the other two have had a lot of struggles because of it. I doubt he could have stayed with his first wife because his first wife turned out to be a shrew! I think she always wanted him back and hoped he would come back. She attacked me verbally almost immediately when she discovered we were married and made sure her boys and I could have no relationship. He finally was freed of her financially about three years ago though every time one of their sons does something that they have to attend (graduations), he has to go and be there alone because I'm not allowed to go (her demands).
It is not a good situation. There is still rank bitterness on his first wife's part. The children don't like me either. She made sure to drive a wedge between us (and I didn't avoid it). So he has great misery over it all. There is little peace for him. I'm glad I was not the one who caused him to leave his first wife. There is great hatred between them.
Like the others, I believe that Eddie does not love you. I think Matt does. And I think, in time, you will realize it. When you do, maybe you will realize that Matt is the one that really loves you, and maybe you will decide that he is the one you should be with. Maybe not. Maybe you really don't and won't ever love Matt.
I have seen several of these relationships where two people cause the break up of both of their marriages. They seldom last because, once unfaithful, the grass always looks greener on the other side. Once you open the door to unfaithfulness, it is easy to open it again. There is often anger at what the person has to go through to be with the new partner (divorce, child support, not seeing the kids etc.) There is often resentment from the second spouse (if there is a marriage) about the children, the money spent on them, the time spent with them, spoiling them, and may other issues. The children seldom like the second spouse because the second spouse hurt their parent. And finally (sometimes early on), one or the other is unfaithful. People tend to think, "hey, I'm single now. I want to see what it's like."
I do know that, what you sow is what you reap. You have sown unfaithfulness in your lives. I believe you will reap it.
I am sorry I have to say this. I would rather say, "Go and be blessed and happy." But that will be a very unlikely result of your choices.
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Thank you all for your advice. Even the things I don't want to hear I have read and taken on board.
I wish you well.
