• Welcome to Christian Forums
  1. Welcome to Christian Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Christianity in a friendly surrounding.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to be able to join in fellowship with Christians all over the world.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon and God Bless!

  2. Christian Forum Rules
    There have been a variety of rule changes in the recent months, so please review the Terms and Christian Forum Rules. If you have questions about a particular rule, please start a thread in Contact Us.

Featured Divorcing my father/ending all contact with my father

Discussion in 'Christian Advice' started by Korean-American Christian, Mar 19, 2017.

  1. Korean-American Christian

    Korean-American Christian Presbyterian Supporter

    983
    +633
    Presbyterian
    Private
    US-Democrat
    I need advice please. Should I move out and end all contact with my toxic father?

    My father claims to be a devout Christian, and he is also an ordained Christian minister, ordained in the Korean Presbyterian Church in America (KPCA).

    My father is constantly verbally abusive to me, his eldest child.

    My father wants to control my life.

    My mother is not a controlling person, but she does not want me to move out of state to attend graduate school.

    My mother and father both want me to live at home and attend a local graduate school....

    Some background information:
    I will be turning 38 this year. I am Korean-American, born and raised in the United States. My father is a 70 year old ordained Christian minister. (Just to clarify....my father was ordained as a Christian minister 20 years ago). I firmly believe that my father is a very legalistic Christian who uses Scripture/the Bible as a weapon of destruction.

    Here is a legal definition of verbal abuse:

    Verbal abuse is the use of words to cause harm to the person being spoken to. It is difficult to define and may take many forms. Similarly, the harm caused is often difficult to measure. The most commonly understood form is name-calling. Verbal abuse may consist of shouting, insulting, intimidating, threatening, shaming, demeaning, or derogatory language, among other forms of communication.

    Perpetrators of verbal abuse often misuse their authority and prey on those in a subordinate position. Victims of verbal abuse are often told they are to blame for the abuser's behavior and reluctant to take action to end the abuse. Verbal abuse may lead to stress, depression, physical ailments, and other damage.
     
  2. TravelerFarAwayFromHome

    TravelerFarAwayFromHome Broken but loved

    +271
    Non-Denom
    Single
    sign....

    I am Taiwanese, so i do know there are certain cultural difference in how people see things

    I am not Korean, though based on what I read, Korean culture, even today, can come across as very legislatic and controlling, where respect of the parents reign paramount.

    do you have financial issues that prevent you from attending graduate school out of the state?

    if not, just say to your parents respectfully and lovingly along the lines of " i love you, but i have made mine decision"

    then just pack up your bags and leave

    it sounds like some distance between you and your parents would be good for you

    i would also advice to talke to a Christian counselor if you can, if sounds like there are alot unresolved issues from your relationship with your parents that have negatively impacted you

    pray about it and ask God to lead you to the right counselor.
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • Useful Useful x 1
    • List
  3. Spirit Reborn

    Spirit Reborn His beautiful work-in-progress ♥

    721
    +542
    Christian
    Celibate
    Hm..I don't think you should end all contact per-se. They're still your parents, although I do understand how living in that type of environment can be harmful and difficult to live in. If you're able to, you could move out. But I think it'd be best to keep in touch when possible. But with any change, I recommend to pray about this and ask Him to give you strength, patience, guidance, wisdom, and to help lead you to make a decision in accordance with His will. I'll be keeping you and your dad in my prayers.
     
  4. Korean-American Christian

    Korean-American Christian Presbyterian Supporter

    983
    +633
    Presbyterian
    Private
    US-Democrat
    Korean culture is a VERY CONTROLLING CULTURE.

    My father always says, "The Bible says to honor your mother and father"

    If I was to attend graduate school out-of-state, I would have to use student loans to pay for the 600 dollar monthly rent for my on-campus student apartment....
     
    • Informative Informative x 1
    • List
  5. Adstar

    Adstar Well-Known Member

    807
    +324
    Australia
    Non-Denom
    Single
    You should not need to start any legal devorce actions.. You are an adult and as such you should strive to be independent from your parents and thus moving out is a legitimate course of action.. If you have the financial ability to move out then do so..
     
  6. Korean-American Christian

    Korean-American Christian Presbyterian Supporter

    983
    +633
    Presbyterian
    Private
    US-Democrat
    Spirit Reborn, it is very difficult to live in my current dysfunctional family environment with constant verbal abuse....

    Thank you for your prayers!!
     
  7. Korean-American Christian

    Korean-American Christian Presbyterian Supporter

    983
    +633
    Presbyterian
    Private
    US-Democrat
    I would have to use student loans to pay for the 600 dollar monthly rent for my on-campus student apartment. I think it is feasible
     
  8. Kit Sigmon

    Kit Sigmon Well-Known Member

    712
    +283
    Christian
    In Relationship

    As for cutting all ties with your father...well, I don't believe in cutting all ties, I do believe it's important
    to have safe boundaries/limits when you are dealing with a toxic person.
    Would I choose to live with a toxic person? no.
    I also believe it would be good for you to seek counselling since you have been living with a toxic person
    as long as you have.
     
    • Like Like x 3
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  9. Korean-American Christian

    Korean-American Christian Presbyterian Supporter

    983
    +633
    Presbyterian
    Private
    US-Democrat
    Yes, I agree....definite limits are necessary when one is dealing with a toxic person. I am currently in counseling. My counselor is a licensed professional and is also a devoted Christian
     
  10. RC1970

    RC1970 Well-Known Member

    +754
    United States
    Protestant
    Private
    As long as you are financially able to, you should move out of your parents home. I don't think you should cutoff your father completely. You need to setup some boundaries and make sure your father understands what they are and respects them. You're both adults and you should respect each other as such.

    Godspeed.
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  11. Korean-American Christian

    Korean-American Christian Presbyterian Supporter

    983
    +633
    Presbyterian
    Private
    US-Democrat
    What are some steps that I can take to make my father see that I am - in fact - an adult?
     
  12. Gracia Singh

    Gracia Singh Newbie

    963
    +533
    Christian
    Married
    As an adult, and an adult in your 30's perhaps moving out would be the healthiest option for you. I get that you want to respect your father; but it's perfectly alright for a grown man to move out and make his own choices in life.

     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  13. Korean-American Christian

    Korean-American Christian Presbyterian Supporter

    983
    +633
    Presbyterian
    Private
    US-Democrat
    I agree
     
  14. Korean-American Christian

    Korean-American Christian Presbyterian Supporter

    983
    +633
    Presbyterian
    Private
    US-Democrat
    https://blogs.psychcentral.com/sex-addiction/2014/04/how-to-divorce-your-toxic-relatives/
    If we are in the process of changing, and if the family system is the same as it always was, what do you think will happen when we meet up?

    Nine times out of ten we fall back into our old role; the screw up, the scapegoat, the misfit or some other shameful or corrosive image of who we are. We unconsciously begin to accept that we are as they see us. This will undermine our newly forming sense of validity and can lead to a return to our addictions as a tried and true coping mechanism.


    It is important to note that not every child in a family is impacted in the same way or to the same degree. Many factors such as birth order, temperament, and the ability of a parent to bond well with one child but not with another can leave one child more damaged and another not.
     
  15. Gracia Singh

    Gracia Singh Newbie

    963
    +533
    Christian
    Married
    I would not permanently sever ties.... But if your father is what one could call a typically traditional, controlling, "this is my house and you are my son" father, a period of silence after the initial moving out might be in order, at least until his initial fury cools down.

    Whether he is angry with your leaving or not, you have a right to an adult life.
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • List
  16. Korean-American Christian

    Korean-American Christian Presbyterian Supporter

    983
    +633
    Presbyterian
    Private
    US-Democrat
    Yes, I have a right to an adult life....
     
  17. Spirit Reborn

    Spirit Reborn His beautiful work-in-progress ♥

    721
    +542
    Christian
    Celibate
    I'm really sorry you have to go through that.. I've had my share of verbal abuse growing up as well. I was kind of sheltered and even now I'm still treated as a child, but things have improved significantly. For your sake- spiritual, mental, and emotional, moving out would be best for you.
     
  18. Gracia Singh

    Gracia Singh Newbie

    963
    +533
    Christian
    Married
    Realistically, he'll probably be deeply insulted and blame you. This problem is something he has to work on, not something you can or should feel responsible for.

     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Informative Informative x 1
    • List
  19. Korean-American Christian

    Korean-American Christian Presbyterian Supporter

    983
    +633
    Presbyterian
    Private
    US-Democrat
    Yes, moving out would be best.... Now the question is, how do I move out without (emotionally) hurting my mother?
     
  20. Korean-American Christian

    Korean-American Christian Presbyterian Supporter

    983
    +633
    Presbyterian
    Private
    US-Democrat
    Thank you for that...he will blame me, but I should move out anyway