Divorcing my father/ending all contact with my father

[Take Heart]

Yes, moving out would be best.... Now the question is, how do I move out without (emotionally) hurting my mother?

You could write her a letter or talk it out with her. I think it's best to address both of them if you do decide to write a letter.
Be honest with your feelings and that you don't mean any harm/shame/etc to either of them should you decide to move out- that as an adult, you want to take the initiative to start a life of your own. Just some ideas : )

 

[Korean-American Christian]

You could write her a letter or talk it out with her. I think it's best to address both of them if you do decide to write a letter. Be honest with your feelings and that you don't mean any harm/shame/etc to either of them should you decide to move out- that as an adult, you want to take the initiative to start a life of your own. Just some ideas : )

An excellent and wonderful idea!! Why didn't I think of this? Thank you so much!!

 

[Korean-American Christian]

http://www.livewellcounselingnwmi.org/divorcing-toxic-family/
The toxic person has demonstrated over a period of years that they will abuse the people in their lives, putting them down, screaming at them, even striking the person or outright disowning them. Looking back on these memories and the fact that it always seems to keep happening, many people decide to divorce their toxic family.

 

[anna ~ grace]

Thank you for that...he will blame me, but I should move out anyway

Agreed. And this is not something you can change. If continuing to live with him will simply cause you more pain and stunt your adult life, just head out. You are a man in your 30's and deserve peace and freedom in your life.

 

[Korean-American Christian]

If continuing to live with him will simply cause you more pain and stunt your adult life, just head out. You are a man in your 30's and deserve peace and freedom in your life.

Yes, I agree. I deserve some peace and freedom in my life

 

[S.O.J.I.A.]

tell your dad that he is sinning by disobeying the command of ephesians 6:4 and colossians 3:21...

...and do leave your parents house if you are able.

 

[Korean-American Christian]

tell your dad that he is sinning by disobeying the command of ephesians 6:4... ...and do leave your parents house if you are able.

My father is sinning when he constantly disobeys the command of Ephesians 6:4

During our family worship services, my father would preach on Ephesians 6:1-3. HOWEVER, he would always skip Ephesians 6:4

Ephesians 6:1-3
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise—“so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”

 

[S.O.J.I.A.]

During our family worship services, my father would preach on Ephesians 6:1-3. HOWEVER, he would always skip Ephesians 6:4

yeah....

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Many asian cultures have very controlling families. Even in my wifes country she says its about "family" but they families are very controlling. If your not working, they throw you on the street. If you marry someone overseas and don't send home money, they pretend you never existed...etc. In Korean videos I've seen (and Japanese) the men seem to be (for lack of better words) the "important" person, the wife is usually the quiet one who has no real say in much. Which makes for a broken family later in life.?

That all aside I'd move out. With all hes doing it is not good for you. You don't want to end up toxic or bitter towards him eventually. And if you ever want to find someone to mary, they probably wouldn't want to live the same house as him. As for your mom, just tell her you love her but its to much abuse for you and you need freedom so you can grow as a christian, not stumble because of him.

 

[Korean-American Christian]

As for your mom, just tell her you love her but its to much abuse for you and you need freedom so you can grow as a christian, not stumble because of him.

Thank you for the excellent and wonderful advice!!

 

[Hank77]

An excellent and wonderful idea!! Why didn't I think of this? Thank you so much!!

And never, ever forget Mother's Day. I don't know if your family has recognized this tradition but I know it means a lot to mothers when their children remember to send cards, letters, and flowers now and then.
When you are away at school write letters to your father, tell him about your classes, how things are going, about the church you attend, about people you meet, etc. Sometimes a long distance communication can heal many old wounds. Let him know that you care about him, respect him, and still want him to be a part of your life. That way he will know that you do honor him as your father.
Even if your relationship is never quite what it should be for you, if you treat your father as a respectful son should you will know that you have done the right things and you will be honoring your Father in heaven.
God bless you and your family.
3Jn 1:2 Beloved, I wish above all things that thou mayest prosper and be in health, even as thy soul prospereth.

 

[SLB]

I'm hearing you say that you are living in a situation that you find unendurable. You're 38 and still being supported by your parents. The quick solution is simply to move out, get a job and support yourself. When you are working and can pay your own way, many of the arguments your father uses will be of no effect.

However, clearly you want to finish your education. If you have to work and support yourself while finishing your schooling it will mean a lot of hard work on your part, as you work, possibly part time, and study part time, which may add to the length of time it takes to get your degree. It won't be easy, but that's part of being an adult.

If you choose to borrow money to pay for your housing while you finish your schooling, you start your career owing money and you have no guarantee of getting a good paying job right out of school. So you'll start your adult life in debt that may take you years to repay. That's a tough choice.

Or you could bite the bullet and stay under your father's roof. Your father is not going to see you as being on equal footing with him while you are unable to support yourself. Being an adult is tough and you have to make a lot of hard choices. There are lots of options, but the trouble is that as an adult you recognize that the option you want to take, may not be the best long term choice. You have to remember that as bad as living with your father is, he has supported you all of your life. He has worked to keep a roof over your head, clothes on your back, food in your stomach and provided you with the opportunity to pursue your education. He may not be raising you the way you think he should, but he's probably doing the best job he knows how to do.

If your father wants to browbeat you with scripture, you need to look at what he says prayerfully. He may be right. In which case, you need to pray for the grace to submit to his authority. On the other hand, the same passage of scripture that says "children obey your parents" also says "fathers provoke not your children to wrath". Every time your father belittles you, turn the tables and remind him that his actions are making you angry and making you feel, not like you are being nurtured, but rather like you are being verbally assaulted.

Maybe he just doesn't know how to be any other way. Have you prayed about this and asked God to help you see his point of view? Why is he behaving like this? Is this the way he was raised? If your father is a minister, he may be concerned that your behaviour will reflect poorly on him as a minister. Maybe he's taking 1 Timothy 3:4 literally. "One that ruleth well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity."

Maybe you're hearing him say things that are a put down, but he thinks he's saying "I love you and want you to have success in life, but I think the choices you are making are choices that you're going to regret." Are you communicating, or just shouting at one another?

Whatever you decide, you really don't have any Biblical grounds for "divorcing" your father, so you need to keep the communications open. You also need to continue open dialog with your mother. Don't forget that a rift between you and your father may put her into the middle of a battle between you and you father. Do you really want to start something that you may never be able to fix? Is a temporary fix going to be worth a life time of conflict?

The situation needs lots of prayer before you do anything you can't undo.

 

[FireDragon76]

38? Move out, for your own sanity and happiness.

 

[sunnynyc]

Before you read all this, I want to ask you , do you hate your life? and yourself? If so, then read on.

Luke 14:26 (OFFICIAL KING JAMES BIBLE ONLINE: AUTHORIZED KING JAMES VERSION (KJV) )

“If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.”

Matthew 19:29 (OFFICIAL KING JAMES BIBLE ONLINE: AUTHORIZED KING JAMES VERSION (KJV))

“And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life.”

Matthew 16:24 (OFFICIAL KING JAMES BIBLE ONLINE: AUTHORIZED KING JAMES VERSION (KJV))
Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.

Luke 6:28 (OFFICIAL KING JAMES BIBLE ONLINE: AUTHORIZED KING JAMES VERSION (KJV))

“Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you.”

1 John 3:14-15 (OFFICIAL KING JAMES BIBLE ONLINE: AUTHORIZED KING JAMES VERSION (KJV) )
14 We know that we have passed from death unto life, because we love the brethren. He that loveth not his brother abideth in death.

15 Whosoever hateth his brother is a murderer: and ye know that no murderer hath eternal life abiding in him.

Matthew 6 | Holy Bible KJV
MATTHEW CHAPTER 6 KJV
Read this chapter for the Lord's prayer to deliver you from all evil.

Read Genesis to see how the serpent deceives Eve.
Read the book of Revelation for a special blessing.
Read proverbs for God's wisdom.
Read Psalms to praise the Lord and our everlasting God.
Read the gospel of John for the good news.
Read the gospel of Matthew for insight into the kingdom of heaven.

Meditate on God's word daily for the Lord's blessings.

 

[Emli]

I agree with everyone here. You should move out, but not cut ties with your father. I told you before that I had an abusive mother. As I learned to set boundaries with her, she has calmed down a lot, and we now have a good relationship. You need to do the same.

I do not believe that we are to honor our parents by treating them any different from other Christians. We are all equals in Christ. That means we have to correct them and help them as we would with a friend. That may not be easy for you though. I'm not at all saying "fight back", but if you show him that you are a strong, godly man on your own, he might be inspired by you and God may soften his heart.

And we need to pray for him. A lot. Post a prayer request. You never know.

You have my support, and I'm sure others' as well, here, anytime you may need it.

 

[Yoona86]

Korean culture is a VERY CONTROLLING CULTURE.

My father always says, "The Bible says to honor your mother and father"

If I was to attend graduate school out-of-state, I would have to use student loans to pay for the 600 dollar monthly rent for my on-campus student apartment....

hello

so do you have other options in state but in a different city?

 

[Emli]

If I was to attend graduate school out-of-state, I would have to use student loans to pay for the 600 dollar monthly rent for my on-campus student apartment....

That will probably be worth it though. It's not a big price to pay for your mental health.

And if you are willing to accept a friendly gift, I'd be more than happy to chip in a little every month. God willing, I can work some extra hours.

 

[Strong in Him]

Korean culture is a VERY CONTROLLING CULTURE.

My father always says, "The Bible says to honor your mother and father"

The Bible also says "Fathers, do not embitter your children or they will become discouraged", Colossians 3:21 and
"Fathers, do not exasperate your children", Ephesians 6:4. I wonder what he thinks about those verses?

Yes, of course the Bible also says that children should obey their parents. But in an age where children had a very low status, even below that of women, Jesus showed that they were to be loved and welcomed - "let the children come to me". He accepted, loved and taught them. The Bible says that parents should discipline their children - to teach them right from wrong and so that the children will respect them. It doesn't say that the parents can act harshly and exactly as they please, and expect the children to do everything they say; however unreasonable.

 

[LinkH]

Many asian cultures have very controlling families. Even in my wifes country she says its about "family" but they families are very controlling. If your not working, they throw you on the street. If you marry someone overseas and don't send home money, they pretend you never existed...etc. In Korean videos I've seen (and Japanese) the men seem to be (for lack of better words) the "important" person, the wife is usually the quiet one who has no real say in much. Which makes for a broken family later in life.?

I used to live in a city where a TV station would play K-dramas with subtitles. There were homes where the man was the leader, and homes where the women took over. Sometimes, the two households would be contrasted in one show. One show had an outspoken, self-absorbed, conniving wife and a husband who tried to do the right thing and make things right when she did someone else wrong.

 

[LinkH]

Korean-American Christian,

Being a very controlling parent seems to be the norm in Korean culture, at least from an American perspective. Korean Christians will often accept behaviors from pastors that American Christians might consider controlling, or even cultic. American pastors rarely match up couples for marriage. I have heard of Korean pastors either helping out with this, or even putting pressure on people to marry.

On the other hand, Americans tend to be all about individual freedom. Some people take the 'leave and cleave' passage to mean parents can't have influence on you after you get married. But I see the patriarchs and the relationship between parents and children. They didn't disentangle their business affairs or live individualistic lives. They lived together and made some decisions together. I'm thinking of Jacob. The way the inheritance laws worked in Israel, children would have been around their parents into their adult years, working on the farm. Jesus pointed out the error of those who used vows to get out of the obligation of honoring father and mother by supporting them. American Christians will often assume that subjection toward parents should end at adulthood. Is that really Biblical, though, or is it just reading culture back into marriage.

Guessing from what you've written, it seems likely that you were raised in American culture by Korean parents, so you have influences from both of these cultures. You have to figure out how to honor your parents, and interpreting that isn't just a matter of following cultural norms, since you have two very different cultures to draw from.

I've got it kind of easy in this regard. My parents are Americans, and they respect my choices for my own life.

How does your father verbally abuse you? Does he yell at you, insult you, and call you names? Does he call you some kind of animal, use curse words at you, actually curse you, put you down, or what? If your father is in sin by verbally abusing him, respectfully point it out to him, and 'entreat him as a father.' You could also point out to him the benefits of your being a man who is able to make his own decisions. But do honor your father and mother.