Divorcing my father/ending all contact with my father

[PaaKne]

I need advice please. Should I move out and end all contact with my toxic father?

My father claims to be a devout Christian, and he is also an ordained Christian minister, ordained in the Korean Presbyterian Church in America (KPCA).

My father is constantly verbally abusive to me, his eldest child.

My father wants to control my life.

My mother is not a controlling person, but she does not want me to move out of state to attend graduate school.

My mother and father both want me to live at home and attend a local graduate school....

Some background information:
I will be turning 38 this year. I am Korean-American, born and raised in the United States. My father is a 70 year old ordained Christian minister. (Just to clarify....my father was ordained as a Christian minister 20 years ago). I firmly believe that my father is a very legalistic Christian who uses Scripture/the Bible as a weapon of destruction.

Here is a legal definition of verbal abuse:

Verbal abuse is the use of words to cause harm to the person being spoken to. It is difficult to define and may take many forms. Similarly, the harm caused is often difficult to measure. The most commonly understood form is name-calling. Verbal abuse may consist of shouting, insulting, intimidating, threatening, shaming, demeaning, or derogatory language, among other forms of communication.

Perpetrators of verbal abuse often misuse their authority and prey on those in a subordinate position. Victims of verbal abuse are often told they are to blame for the abuser's behavior and reluctant to take action to end the abuse. Verbal abuse may lead to stress, depression, physical ailments, and other damage.

Well,

• #1: I'm just turned 16, and
• #2: I'm a Norwegian, a country with a culture totally different to Korea

Despite this, I have some thoughts and opinions

A Christan child are to honour his father and mother - but "honour" is not equal to "obey blindly without any questions"! Parents are to be obeyed as well, but the LORD is always to be obeyed more than man. God have given man authority of having his/her own life when mature for a such life (clearly expressed for the married in Gen 2,24), and using Ephesians 6, 1-3 without considering Ephesians 6,4 with the sole purpose of controlling a 38 year old son isn't to use the Word of God, it is to corrupt this word, 2nd Corinthians 2,17 ("falsify the word for personal gain", Norwegian translation). Even when parents act like this, they are still to be honoured as parents, but as mentioned: Honour isn't equal to obey without any question. Someone can be hounored without being obeyed in every detail.

My advise is: First down to your knees and ask the LORD - the Father of fathers - what HE want, and put also your concerings about education, money etc. before HIS feet. Listen to HIS answers (and remember He also may use His children when giving you an ansver), then make up your decition and explain that to your Father in a respectful, yet firm way. If your father don't accept your decision then explain your father that this decition has been made, and ask your father explain exact what in this decision that is against the word of God. (Should he then Use Ephesians 6, 1-3, kindly remind him about 6,4 as well and ask about his comments to that.) If your father isn't able to give a reasonable explaination what is against the word of God, tell - and show your father that you still love him deeply and still honour him, but that this decision now has been made by a mature man of 38 after first asking the Father in Heaven and that your Father on earth has not convinced you that is against the word of God - and then leave. However, don't cut all ties and burn all bridges - that will be dishonouring him and he is still your father. Treat both of your parents as before, but as a loving, but mature and adult son will threat his parents.

And remember: A Christian can't justify everyting simply by using the word "our culture". If something in a culture is against the will of God, the behaviors among Christians in that culture must be changed and the "common culture agreement" in that culture can't be used among the Christians belonging to it. If not doing so, it would might still have been "Norwegian culture" leaving babies not wanted alone in the forest and pushing old "useless" people outside rocks like http://sorvestreiser.no/upload/images/preikestolen.jpg to "get rid of them"!

 

[Gabriel Anton]

I need advice please. Should I move out and end all contact with my toxic father?

My father claims to be a devout Christian, and he is also an ordained Christian minister, ordained in the Korean Presbyterian Church in America (KPCA).

My father is constantly verbally abusive to me, his eldest child.

My father wants to control my life.

My mother is not a controlling person, but she does not want me to move out of state to attend graduate school.

My mother and father both want me to live at home and attend a local graduate school....

Some background information:
I will be turning 38 this year. I am Korean-American, born and raised in the United States. My father is a 70 year old ordained Christian minister. (Just to clarify....my father was ordained as a Christian minister 20 years ago). I firmly believe that my father is a very legalistic Christian who uses Scripture/the Bible as a weapon of destruction.

Here is a legal definition of verbal abuse:

Verbal abuse is the use of words to cause harm to the person being spoken to. It is difficult to define and may take many forms. Similarly, the harm caused is often difficult to measure. The most commonly understood form is name-calling. Verbal abuse may consist of shouting, insulting, intimidating, threatening, shaming, demeaning, or derogatory language, among other forms of communication.

Perpetrators of verbal abuse often misuse their authority and prey on those in a subordinate position. Victims of verbal abuse are often told they are to blame for the abuser's behavior and reluctant to take action to end the abuse. Verbal abuse may lead to stress, depression, physical ailments, and other damage.

Peace be with you.

You can only do that if God wills it so. If your father's will for you directly contradicts God's Will for you. In another words, when God forces you to choose between doing His Will or your father's will, then you will have to choose.

You will also have to let your parents know you give up all rights to your inheritance when they die as you will no longer be their son.

Your mother and father are like one. You cannot divorce one without the other. So you should ponder upon your actions carefully, not out of hatred and anger but out of love and forgiveness.

God bless you.

 

[Korean-American Christian]

And never, ever forget Mother's Day. I don't know if your family has recognized this tradition but I know it means a lot to mothers when their children remember to send cards, letters, and flowers now and then.
When you are away at school write letters to your father, tell him about your classes, how things are going, about the church you attend, about people you meet, etc. Sometimes a long distance communication can heal many old wounds. Let him know that you care about him, respect him, and still want him to be a part of your life. That way he will know that you do honor him as your father.
Even if your relationship is never quite what it should be for you, if you treat your father as a respectful son should you will know that you have done the right things and you will be honoring your Father in heaven.
God bless you and your family.
3Jn 1:2 Beloved, I wish above all things that thou mayest prosper and be in health, even as thy soul prospereth.

Thank you for the excellent advice about Mother's Day and writing letters to my father! May our God be with you always!!

 

[frettr00]

Remember that as a Christian you are called to forgiveness. You will be forgiven as you show forgiveness to others. Don't cut off contact with your father, just do your best to forgive him and move on.

 

[Korean-American Christian]

Are you communicating, or just shouting at one another?

Whatever you decide, you really don't have any Biblical grounds for "divorcing" your father, so you need to keep the communications open. You also need to continue open dialog with your mother. Don't forget that a rift between you and your father may put her into the middle of a battle between you and you father. Do you really want to start something that you may never be able to fix? Is a temporary fix going to be worth a life time of conflict?

I don't shout at my father. My father shouts/yells at me....and I just listen. When my father is really angry, he sits me down and gives me a lecture that lasts between 30 minutes to one hour.

I definitely do not want to put my mother in the middle of a battle between my father and me.

 

[Korean-American Christian]

MATTHEW CHAPTER 6 KJV Read this chapter for the Lord's prayer to deliver you from all evil.

Read Genesis to see how the serpent deceives Eve.
Read the book of Revelation for a special blessing.
Read proverbs for God's wisdom.
Read Psalms to praise the Lord and our everlasting God.
Read the gospel of John for the good news.
Read the gospel of Matthew for insight into the kingdom of heaven.

Meditate on God's word daily for the Lord's blessings.

Thank you for all of the Bible references!!

 

[Korean-American Christian]

And we need to pray for him. A lot. Post a prayer request. You never know. You have my support, and I'm sure others' as well, here, anytime you may need it.

My friend, thank you for the excellent advice about posting a prayer request for my father. Thank you so much for your support!!

 

[Korean-American Christian]

so do you have other options in state but in a different city?

While I do have options in my state but in a different city, even a city that is 100 miles away (160 kilometers away) is too close to home. I would be forced to live at home and commute to graduate school....

 

[Korean-American Christian]

And if you are willing to accept a friendly gift, I'd be more than happy to chip in a little every month. God willing, I can work some extra hours.

Thank you for offering the gift, but I cannot accept a financial gift from a friend

 

[Korean-American Christian]

The Bible also says "Fathers, do not embitter your children or they will become discouraged", Colossians 3:21 and "Fathers, do not exasperate your children", Ephesians 6:4. I wonder what he thinks about those verses? The Bible says that parents should discipline their children - to teach them right from wrong and so that the children will respect them. It doesn't say that the parents can act harshly and exactly as they please, and expect the children to do everything they say; however unreasonable.

Yes exactly. The Bible does not say that parents can act harshly and expect children to do everything they say

 

[Korean-American Christian]

Guessing from what you've written, it seems likely that you were raised in American culture by Korean parents, so you have influences from both of these cultures. You have to figure out how to honor your parents, and interpreting that isn't just a matter of following cultural norms, since you have two very different cultures to draw from.

How does your father verbally abuse you? Does he yell at you, insult you, and call you names? Does he call you some kind of animal, use curse words at you, actually curse you, put you down, or what? If your father is in sin by verbally abusing him, respectfully point it out to him, and 'entreat him as a father.' You could also point out to him the benefits of your being a man who is able to make his own decisions. But do honor your father and mother.

You are exactly right. I was born and raised in the United States, but I was raised in American culture by traditionalist Korean parents, so I have influences from both cultures. I am not Korean....I am Korean-American.

My father verbally abuses me by constantly yelling at me. He tells me that I cannot do anything right. My father calls me a monster because I am overweight. My father's verbal abuse causes me to feel worthless. For a long time, my father would call me stupid....

 

[Yoona86]

While I do have options in my state but in a different city, even a city that is 100 miles away (160 kilometers away) is too close to home. I would be forced to live at home and commute to graduate school....

ok

maybe there is something I don't fully grasp about your situation

i just thought you are 38 years old, surely if you insist on moving into an independent living arrangement in a city 100 miles away, your parents can't stop you?

 

[Korean-American Christian]

but "honour" is not equal to "obey blindly without any questions"! Honour isn't equal to obey without any question. Someone can be hounored without being obeyed in every detail.
However, don't cut all ties and burn all bridges - that will be dishonouring him and he is still your father. Treat both of your parents as before, but as a loving, but mature and adult son will treat his parents.

PaaKne, you are correct. Honor your mother and father does NOT mean obey blindly without any questions

 

[Yoona86]

You are exactly right. I was born and raised in the United States, but I was raised in American culture by traditionalist Korean parents, so I have influences from both cultures. I am not Korean....I am Korean-American.

My father verbally abuses me by constantly yelling at me. He tells me that I cannot do anything right. My father calls me a monster because I am overweight. My father's verbal abuse causes me to feel worthless. For a long time, my father would call me stupid....

i am really sorry to hear this, what your father doing is abusive....

like many other posters pointed out to you, God says we should honor our parents so we may be blessed.

also forgiveness is hard, but He will enables us to do it and it sets you free.

may God bless you greatly

 

[buzuxi02]

Sometimes you just have to wall yourself off from a toxic person. Consider it putting them into quarantine, hopefully overtime they will change their outlook. So I do not recommend a complete divorce, perhaps it will be an initial shock to your father when you move out but he may be able to adjust and mellow out over time. You have a cultural component to contend with but writing a letter is good advice.

 

[Korean-American Christian]

Your mother and father are like one. You cannot divorce one without the other. So you should ponder upon your actions carefully, not out of hatred and anger but out of love and forgiveness. God bless you.

Yes, unfortunately....I cannot divorce my father without also divorcing my mother....they are one

 

[Korean-American Christian]

i just thought you are 38 years old, surely if you insist on moving into an independent living arrangement in a city 100 miles away, your parents can't stop you?

If I insist on living in a city that is 100 miles away, my father can and will stop me. He is very controlling

 

[Korean-American Christian]

i am really sorry to hear this, what your father doing is abusive....

like many other posters pointed out to you, God says we should honor our parents so we may be blessed.

also forgiveness is hard, but He will enables us to do it and it sets you free.

may God bless you greatly

Thank you!! May God be with you always!!

 

[Korean-American Christian]

So I do not recommend a complete divorce, perhaps it will be an initial shock to your father when you move out but he may be able to adjust and mellow out over time. You have a cultural component to contend with but writing a letter is good advice.

Thank you for this excellent advice!!

 

[Emli]

Well,

• #1: I'm just turned 16, and
• #2: I'm a Norwegian, a country with a culture totally different to Korea

Despite this, I have some thoughts and opinions

A Christan child are to honour his father and mother - but "honour" is not equal to "obey blindly without any questions"! Parents are to be obeyed as well, but the LORD is always to be obeyed more than man. God have given man authority of having his/her own life when mature for a such life (clearly expressed for the married in Gen 2,24), and using Ephesians 6, 1-3 without considering Ephesians 6,4 with the sole purpose of controlling a 38 year old son isn't to use the Word of God, it is to corrupt this word, 2nd Corinthians 2,17 ("falsify the word for personal gain", Norwegian translation). Even when parents act like this, they are still to be honoured as parents, but as mentioned: Honour isn't equal to obey without any question. Someone can be hounored without being obeyed in every detail.

My advise is: First down to your knees and ask the LORD - the Father of fathers - what HE want, and put also your concerings about education, money etc. before HIS feet. Listen to HIS answers (and remember He also may use His children when giving you an ansver), then make up your decition and explain that to your Father in a respectful, yet firm way. If your father don't accept your decision then explain your father that this decition has been made, and ask your father explain exact what in this decision that is against the word of God. (Should he then Use Ephesians 6, 1-3, kindly remind him about 6,4 as well and ask about his comments to that.) If your father isn't able to give a reasonable explaination what is against the word of God, tell - and show your father that you still love him deeply and still honour him, but that this decision now has been made by a mature man of 38 after first asking the Father in Heaven and that your Father on earth has not convinced you that is against the word of God - and then leave. However, don't cut all ties and burn all bridges - that will be dishonouring him and he is still your father. Treat both of your parents as before, but as a loving, but mature and adult son will threat his parents.

And remember: A Christian can't justify everyting simply by using the word "our culture". If something in a culture is against the will of God, the behaviors among Christians in that culture must be changed and the "common culture agreement" in that culture can't be used among the Christians belonging to it. If not doing so, it would might still have been "Norwegian culture" leaving babies not wanted alone in the forest and pushing old "useless" people outside rocks like http://sorvestreiser.no/upload/images/preikestolen.jpg to "get rid of them"!

This is really good advice. How very wise you are despite being only 16 years old.

And despite being Norwegian (Jag är svensk)