Divorce due to abuse

[Tangnefedd]

My husband would only have to deliberately hit me once and I would file for divorce the next day!

 

[Suzannah]

ok...i suppose that we could all agree that a human life is God's and God's alone to give and take, yes?

Based on that, in an abusive relationship, i would suppose (i haven't been there, so this is a guess) that the woman would be fearing for her life. I hear many don't leave cause they are afraid the man will kill them or their children. Well, to stay with a man who you believe will kill you, take from you what only God has the authority to take, would be a sort of suicide. Allowing your life to be threatened day in and day out, would be putting your physical life in the hand of a man instead of God. So wouldn't it be necessary to take yourself away from a situation detrimental to your life?

Very, very wise....I would only add: that to stay in such a relationship is to imply that that relationship and keeping "the law" is more important than God's will. One might argue that the law is God's will. My answer to that is: Do you presume to know the mind of God? Are not His thoughts higher than our thoughts? Surely God does not wish his children to remain in a life that does not place Him first?????

Secretdawn: you have my vote for the Wise Thought of the Day!

 

[LadyBird]

I haven't read any other posts other than yours in this thread but I do believe you did the right thing by leaving your husband MsJOnes. NO ONE should have to put up with being a punching bag. And I know that the Bible says about divorce too, however, if my LIFE or my child's life were in danger, there is ABSOLUTLY NO doubt in my mind that I would leave. I don't know if I would divorce my husband, but I do know that if he didn't change, I would. Fine, I would never remarry, but I think it's better to be alive and be divorced than 6 feet under and/or being married to a wife beater because the Bible states that the only grounds for divorce are adultry and/or if an unbeliever leaves.

I'll tell you a story. My grandpa was a VERY abusive man. He almost killed my grandma IN FRONT of my mom and her siblings. He threw a glass at her head and if she didn't duck, it would have killed her. He threw her down the stairs and smacked her around, beat her up, punched her, kicked her and my mom and her bothers and sisters had to sit there and watch. If they tried to do anything, he would turn on them. He was also VERY verbally abusive, called his kids and wife names, put them down and yelled. Was it worth my grandma staying with that abusive man just because she didn't want to go against what the Bible says? I don't think so because all of my mom's siblings are very emotionally damaged and so is my mom. And not only that, they were in DANGER of being hurt or killed. I don't think it is worth it to stay in a situation like that.

 

[LN]

Well, to stay with a man who you believe will kill you, take from you what only God has the authority to take, would be a sort of suicide. Allowing your life to be threatened day in and day out, would be putting your physical life in the hand of a man instead of God. So wouldn't it be necessary to take yourself away from a situation detrimental to your life?

great point Dawn. It is suicide to stay in a relationship like this - both physically and mentally.

 

[Follower of Christ]

I think sometimes some folks get so caught up in the LETTER of the text that they blow past the spirit in which things are said.

Moses allowed for divorce and Ill bet that a thorough study would show that folks then were using that priveledge to some extreme or another.

Its always seemed to me that Jesus was laying down the law and saying NO MORE.

Moses allowed for divorce as Jesus states for ''hardness of heart'' and Jesus is saying NO.........you cant do that like that anymore........God says marriage is more than just some silly little agreement youve made with someone...........

But these woman arent divorcing over thier hardness of heart.......
Theyre divorcing becuase their lives or their childrens lives may very well be on the line.

Personally, if it were me and i was a woman getting beat, Id buy a 357 and the next time the dirtbag touched me Id find myself free to remarry for being a widow........

 

[secretdawn]

Very, very wise....I would only add: that to stay in such a relationship is to imply that that relationship and keeping "the law" is more important than God's will. One might argue that the law is God's will. My answer to that is: Do you presume to know the mind of God? Are not His thoughts higher than our thoughts? Surely God does not wish his children to remain in a life that does not place Him first?????

Secretdawn: you have my vote for the Wise Thought of the Day!

 

[EdmundBlackadderTheThird]

Allright, I have been doing some reading. I will admit that it was due to threads like this that I started researching this topic. I am working on my thoughts here so this might be a little scattered. First and foremost I have realized that there are two valid reason for divorce given, the first is given by Christ, and the second is given by Paul, also known as the Pauline Concession. We all know the first reason, the second is if the spouse is a non-believer and they leave, we as believers are no longer bound to them. Actually I should say two cases that allow for re-marriage, a civil divorce in and of itself is not sin, at least not from I can see at this point. It is the re-marriage where things get tricky.

One thing I think we all need to realize that there is no promise that we will be happily married given in the Bible, that is the first step to understanding the conclusions I have come to. Mind you these are just initial thoughts and I am posting them to see them get kicked around a bit. Lets take three situations and see how well I do covering them.

1. The couple divorces because they just aren't in love anymore, there has never been any adultery and both are believers. The Bible would not allow for re-marriage in this case.

2. The husband cheats on the wife and she cannot forgive him so she divorces him. The Bible does allow for re-marriage in this case.

3. The wife is a non-believer and decides that she cannot live with her husband because she is unhappy so she leaves and divorces him. The Bible does allow for re-marriage in this case via the Pauline Concession.

Those are the three examples we have to work from pretty much. We have to figure out where abuse falls in these categories. I have done much thinking and searching and talking and have come to some conclusions that shocked me. They are as follows:

1. If the abusive spouse is not a Christian, a case can be made that if they make the home unsafe that they have done the same thing as leaving and we are no longer bound to them, so therefore it would be acceptable to remarry. This is the one I am not sure about, it is tought to justify the re-marriage issue, but is seems that a strong case can be made in favor of the argument presented.

2. If the abusive spouse is a Christian (we cannot judge their hearts, only God can), then a seperation, even a divorce would not be disallowed Biblically but re-marriage would.

Those two cases are what I am essentially building arguments for. But we need to look at is why these things are acceptable and why they are not. The one flesh bond is what is important to God, so therefore this is what we are not break, that being said, here are my further thoughts. After the divorce if the spouse remarries they have committed adultery and according to scripture we are no longer held to the marriage, so if a Christian couple divorces and one spouse does not remain chaste then the other is free to re-marry as there is now adultery and the one flesh covenant is broken.

So I have changed my thoughts on divorce in the case of abuse, provided the argument can be made that making the home unsafe and forcing the abused to leave in order to protect themselves is the same as the abuser doing the leaving, and I think it can be made (I am still working on making the case myself), and if the abuser is not a believer then re-marriage would be allowed at that point. The only time the waters get a little muddy is if the abuser also claims to be a Christian. We cannot make a case for them not being a Christian as we are not able to judge their heart, while their actions certainly are not those of a Christian, none of ours really are in everything we do. I am in no way defending the abuser in this case, only saying that re-marriage does not appear to be allowed in this singular case involving abuse. However from what I have seen most abusers are not professing Christians so this case would not come up that much, and the chastity would only be for as long as the abuser did not break the one flesh bond with adultery or renounce Christ.

Please give me critique on this, but remember this is a first draft so to speak and my thoughts are in progress, so if I offended you I am sorry. I am sincerely interested in how scripture relates to all of this and feel that is very important! I am not asking you to be gentle, but merely to not attack me.

 

[~PICKLE~]

flesh, I'm not sure what to say, it's gotta soak in. I hope you forgive me if you think I was attacking you the other day. It's been heavy on my heart and I've been praying about the situation. In no way, was I teying to attack you, The tread just errkkked me cause I ......... oh well don't want to argue!!!

 

[EdmundBlackadderTheThird]

I totally understand, and if you do feel like you attacked me in any way then I forigve you completely. I just wanted everyone to know that after a lot of heavy prayer and searching that I am modifying my thoughts on this and to be a little gentle with me right now. Once they are set in stone feel free to jump on me again

 

[SirKenin]

flesh: I think the case has already been presented It's also been presented in the Singles Ministry forum.

 

[~PICKLE~]

Agreed!!

 

[SirKenin]

If I remember correctly you do not take 'do not be unequally yoked' as ever being relevant to marriage, so it could be argued that you manipulate text as a means to an end too.

You could... However I provided sufficient data to back up my argument. Plenty of it, as a matter of fact. I don't see that data here.

Also, Jesus ruled out Mosaic law in his statements to the Pharisees. Like I demonstrated to you, he included women in his statements to the apostles following the confrontation with the Pharisees. The women are not exempt from the guidelines.

 

[EdmundBlackadderTheThird]

Oh I understand the case has been presented by others. I am working out things, attempting to rightly divide the word of God. I am the sort that needs to work out the arguments on my own. I am obviously willing to change the way I think when presented with proper evidence, it is just a process for me.

 

[Follower of Christ]

You could... However I provided sufficient data to back up my argument. Plenty of it, as a matter of fact. I don't see that data here.

Also, Jesus ruled out Mosaic law in his statements to the Pharisees. Like I demonstrated to you, he included women in his statements to the apostles following the confrontation with the Pharisees. The women are not exempt from the guidelines.

You may correct me if I am wrong as to your position.
I do have a single question.......

Would you or would you not council your OWN daughter to remain married and with a man who just beat her half to death last month, killing her unborn child, when she awoke from her 27 day coma this morning?

either we have to say yes to this, or we find hypocracy in one of its uglier forms.

Sorry, if I have mistaken your position, but I would like a straitforward answer, if you please.....

 

[SirKenin]

You may correct me if I am wrong as to your position.
I do have a single question.......

Would you or would you not council your OWN daughter to remain married and with a man who just beat her half to death last month, killing her unborn child, when she awoke from her 27 day coma this morning?

either we have to say yes to this, or we find hypocracy in one of its uglier forms.

Sorry, if I have mistaken your position, but I would like a straitforward answer, if you please.....

I'll reiterate my position then.

My council would be for her to leave the situation and attempt to get the spouse into counselling. Failing that, I would advise her that she would have to remain out of the situation and remain single or return to her husband (which I wouldn't advise unless some serious work had been done).

Our hearts may be hard, but in a Christian marriage anything is possible with prayer, forgiveness and hard work.

 

[~PICKLE~]

Ever thought why prayers arn't answered. In my case I prayed for three years that my ex would change so we could live together happily. God never answered that prayer and I think it didn't because he didn't want me there anymore. That's why he gave me the strength and the way to leave. For example-- he never left the house without taken the phone with him and his brother lived with us so he could keep an eye on me, also he'd take my car keys just in case. This day after I lashed back, he took off, he took the phone and his brother was there, but he didn't take the keys. Something he never did, and I mean never. His brother went next door to call his gorlfriend. I took my chance, and left. Now I can't read God's mind, so I'm not exactly sure, but to me that was an answered prayer. Now that night after he found out I was gone, he came looking- and he found my car, at my parents, he lashed all my tires and broke all the glass out of it. Guess What, I wasn't there. No one saw that he did this, so Again he got away. Again just my 2 cents, if it doesn't make sense then 4 get you read it.

 

[Follower of Christ]

I'll reiterate my position then.

My council would be for her to leave the situation and attempt to get the spouse into counselling. Failing that, I would advise her that she would have to remain out of the situation and remain single or return to her husband (which I wouldn't advise unless some serious work had been done).

Our hearts may be hard, but in a Christian marriage anything is possible with prayer, forgiveness and hard work.

in a CHRISTIAN marriage.........are you sure?
my CHRISTIAN wife of 13 years commited adultery and then refused to stop seeing her lover and is now living with him.......

I forgave her, worked hard and prayed fervently.....
it changed nothing in my case ........am I alone in this?

 

[SirKenin]

in a CHRISTIAN marriage.........are you sure?
my CHRISTIAN wife of 13 years commited adultery and then refused to stop seeing her lover and is now living with him.......

I forgave her, worked hard and prayed fervently.....
it changed nothing in my case ........am I alone in this?

No, my wife committed adultery too, then left. I'm in the same boat. I can divorce her, and will. You're not alone. That's not quite what I meant. I guess you can say you got me on a technicallity.

 

[Follower of Christ]

No, my wife committed adultery too, then left. I'm in the same boat. I can divorce her, and will. You're not alone. That's not quite what I meant. I guess you can say you got me on a technicallity.

let me ask another question......and this is coming from a christian brother so please dont jump quickly and get offended.......

While you (or anyone for that matter) is busy in here convincing our battered and abused sisters that they should continue to pay for the mistake of marrying a worthless animal for the rest of thier lives and being quite quick to point a finger of guilt, are you examining your own life for planks as well ?

I only ask this because after years of finger pointing myself and then finding that the only reason i was pointing it was to take the guilt off of myself, I have concluded that sometimes (us not being perfect), we make choices to try to have some semblance of happiness that may not always be in line with the letter of the Law.

Meaning a woman who married this skin covered carcass may one day find herself finding some godly man whom she can finally have some peace and happiness with before she expires at the end of what would otherwise be a miseralble existance.

I would think that if Paul could say to a widow that its better to marry than to burn........that maybe somewhere in Gods great spanning reach of forgiveness, that He may find it in HIs heart to reconcile this young woman to Himself that has married another, not holding against her that she first gave herself in faith to a monster.............

 

[msjones21]

FoC, I appreciate your input, as well as everyone else's. The people who responded by saying that if I remarry I will be committing adultery still have not answered my question.

If I remarry every time I make love to my husband I am committing adultery.
If I'm committing "adultery" every single day is that unrepented sin?
If it is then does that mean I will literally go to hell for remarrying and having sexual relations with my new husband?