Divorce due to abuse

[msjones21]

I have seen various opinions on this issue so I wanted to start a thread about it. I completely understand that this is a very difficult topic. I have experienced domestic abuse first-hand and it was the reason my marriage ended only a year and a half after we took our vows. When I divorced I was scorned by my church. I was called a liar. Prior to the divorce I attended a tent revival and asked the guest evangelist to give me some advice. He told me that there was no reason good enough in God's eyes to go against the Bible and divorce. He told me that if I threw in the towel I would be violating God's commands. I felt like a failure because I couldn't get my husband to stop beating me. I suffered a miscarriage as the result of his abuse and I was still told "stick it out and make it work".

What are your thoughts on divorce due to abuse?

 

[EdmundBlackadderTheThird]

I have some thoughts on this. Big suprise huh?

There is only one legitimate reason to divorce Biblically and that is adultery. That being said i do advocate everything short of actual divorce, bringing in the police to have the abuser arrested, legal seperation, moving far ebnough away that the abuser cannot reach the abused, but stop short of divorce. This is by no means an issue where I feel that the sex of the spouse is an issue, there are women who abuse as well, and I have seen it firsthand. The abused should preserve their life and put their marriage on the altar of the Lord and let him handle it. The chances are the abuser will eventually file for divorce and the marriage will be over. It is a rare case that this does not happen, but in those rare cases the marriage can be healed. I think we put too much value on how society says to handle this situation. God can heal anything. In this case I like to make an anology to support the seperation. God can dry off but chances are he wont if you are stadning in the rain. The abused should remove theirselves and any children and insure everyone's safety, enter Christian counseling, and fast and pray for the spouse to be healed and come to Christ. This is most likely the only way for the marriage to be saved. If it does come to divorce the abused should not remarry unless the abuser had committed adultery, they should still pray for to heal their erring spouse and restore the marriage. This is the short version of my thoughts.

msjones21: You shouldn't fee; like a failure. I am divorced myself (although over adultery). Even if you were a failure, and I stress the "if", you are no longer a failure. God forgives everything we mess up and we do mess up a lot as we cannot help but do so. I am sorry that you were made to feel like that by a member of the clergy and your congregation, that is not the way any Christian should behave.

 

[~PICKLE~]

I was abused for 3 years and i prayed everyday that God would change him and the abuse would stop. My husband was Muslim and he did not agree the way i believed as I did not with him. He saw the abuse as okay and because I was not equal to him, I had no say. The abuse was physical and mental. He really screwed my head up. To this day, if my (now hubby) catches me lagging behind, he stops and waits and tells me I'm not so and so. I had to be 2 steps behind him whereever we went. That stuff sticks. msjones- you are not alone. I don't think God thinks your a failure for getting out, nor do I think I am. I could not handle it anymore. The bruises and the pain you can only hide for so long, I finally went off on him and beat him to a bloody mess with my hair dryer. Then I left and never went back. I blacked out and All that pain and rage came out on him. If that is wrong, sorry, I had to do what i had to do. It was that or my life. And I think God has more for me to do, that's why I'm still here. Remarried with one son and one one the way. I don't agree with flesh99's statement about the only reason for divorce is adulty. I'm sorry if this seems all Blah Blah, his statement really upset me, so I'm gonna make one more comment, walk around the block, calm down then I'll return. There is no reason in the world to stay in abusive relationship. Don't feel like a failure, it's not your fault.

 

[EdmundBlackadderTheThird]

Christ's words on the subject are the final truth on the matter. It is what the Bible says and it is the inerrant word of God. If you had read what I said I did not advise staying where you could still be abused, I advised very heavily to get out and get safe. It was not my statement you disagree with, those are not my words, they are the words of our Saviour and the final authroity on the matter. Please note that I said everything short of divorce even having your spouse locked up. I am not saying that anyone should place themselves in danger, quite the contrary.

 

[~PICKLE~]

okay, i have taken my walk and I have read your response. I did call the law, but when you have a smoothe talker things don't always go the way you plan. I ended up in jail when i called the law, why you ask. Cause he knew how to talk, and a few hits and bites to himself made me look bad. So How could I keep calling, Jail is no fun for the innocent. Also i did leave several times only for him to track me down and beat me until I could see, if I wanted to call the law then I couldn't, He locked me in the bathroom and tore the telephones out of the wall. So what was the use, he was going to kill me. What was i suppose to do? That last time he decided to beat me, he ***** me too. I lost it, so i gave him what he deserved. And you know what:It felt good!!!!!God helped me stand on my two feet and get out. And I believe that with all my heart, if it weren't for God, I'd be dead. So don't tell me God didn't want me to get a divorce from this evil man. Cause now I'm remarried to a wonderful man and I have a son that is a blessing and I have a daughter on the way. IF God did not want this for me, then why did he give me the strenght I needed that final day.

 

[EdmundBlackadderTheThird]

I can only rely on the scripture, and it is clear. I am not condeming you, I know many women who have used divorce to get out, and like any other thing we do it is forgivable if it is a sin. The remarriage is forbidden, but like any other sin, forgivable. There is very clear scripture that remarriage is a sin if there was no adultery. I am not condeming you, I am only stating what is said in the scripture, we sin daily no matter how hard we try not to, this is inescapable as we live in a fallen world. And Christ's grace is sufficient for the covering of all sin, even divorce and remarriage. I by no means think you are in danger of not being saved or anything crazy like that, I just have to base my opinions on the Bible. There are many ways to protect yourself short of divorce, if you didn't have access to them or didn't know how to make use of them that is by no means your thought. I do understand that escape is the only option, but based on the Bible I have to advise against divorce in all cases except for adultery. You made your way out and I am certain that you are forgiven but the scripture is clear that it is a sin, why deny that? Wouldn't it be more of a Christian attitude to admit that the scripture is correct and you are better off now in spite of sin? Even though it is sin we still have the promise that ALL things work together for the good of those that love the Lord and apparently that has manifested itself in your life, and done so abundantly. I do not understand you attacking me for holding a position that is fully backed by scripture.

 

[~PICKLE~]

I don't mean to attack you-- I'm sorry!!! I still don;t see how I sinned by getting out of an abusive relationship and then finding a way happier one where I am blessed each day, by a son and a husband that love me very much.
Again I sorry!!

 

[LN]

To me, there is no question. If there is abuse: get out.

flesh99 - can you please post that specific scripture?

 

[SirKenin]

I have seen various opinions on this issue so I wanted to start a thread about it. I completely understand that this is a very difficult topic. I have experienced domestic abuse first-hand and it was the reason my marriage ended only a year and a half after we took our vows. When I divorced I was scorned by my church. I was called a liar. Prior to the divorce I attended a tent revival and asked the guest evangelist to give me some advice. He told me that there was no reason good enough in God's eyes to go against the Bible and divorce. He told me that if I threw in the towel I would be violating God's commands. I felt like a failure because I couldn't get my husband to stop beating me. I suffered a miscarriage as the result of his abuse and I was still told "stick it out and make it work".

What are your thoughts on divorce due to abuse?

There are only two Biblical reasons for divorce.

1) Unfaithfulness (Jesus Matthew 19:9)
2) If an unbeliever chooses to walk away from a believer (Paul 1Cor 7:15)

There are no provisions for abuse. If you divorce for abuse and remarry, you commit adultery (Matthew 19:9, Mark 10:11). You also cause your spouse and whoever marries them to commit adultery, according to the Bible (Mark 10:12)

The only thing you can do is to leave your partner and remain single. That's the only thing allowed for Biblically.

 

[charligirl]

There is a discussion about this goinbg on here: http://www.christianforums.com/t92049&page=3

I am in agreement with what KeilCoppes has put forward.

If I am understanding this correctly, when Jesus taught on this the OT laws were still in place and abuse was considered abandonment and therefore punishable by death.. so the husband would be killed if he was doing this, thus freeing the wife. Abuse that caused death of unborn baby is murder and the same rules applied. So it wasn't addressed specifically because it wasn't an issue, in cases of abuse the woman would be freed, under the existing OT law.

 

[SirKenin]

There is a discussion about this goinbg on here: http://www.christianforums.com/t92049&page=3

I am in agreement with what KeilCoppes has put forward.

If I am understanding this correctly, when Jesus taught on this the OT laws were still in place and abuse was considered abandonment and therefore punishable by death.. so the husband would be killed if he was doing this, thus freeing the wife. Abuse that caused death of unborn baby is murder and the same rules applied. So it wasn't addressed specifically because it wasn't an issue, in cases of abuse the woman would be freed, under the existing OT law.

Actually, Jesus addressed the OT law (which only applied to Jews anyways) when he said that Moses permitted them to divorce only because their hearts were hard. Also, Jesus' coming freed us from the Law according to NT teaching.

Also, I can not see abuse being considered abandonment. That sounds like a manipulation of the text as a means to an end, IMHO.

 

[charligirl]

I am not talking about what the OT law says about divorce exactly, I am saying in Jesus' time there would be no question about divorce in abuse cases because the husband would have been killed, thus freeing the wife. It was a non issue and therefore Jesus did not need to address it.

In today's society our law does not allow for murdering wife beaters and so the lawful way out is divorce.

 

[SirKenin]

I am not talking about what the OT law says about divorce exactly, I am saying in Jesus' time there would be no question about divorce in abuse cases because the husband would have been killed, thus freeing the wife. It was a non issue and therefore Jesus did not need to address it.

In today's society our law does not allow for murdering wife beaters and so the lawful way out is divorce.

I had to edit my last post, because I forgot something, so I'll reiterate it here..

I can not see abuse being considered abandonment. That sounds like a manipulation of the text as a means to an end, IMHO.

Also, OT law was an issue. If you look at the full passage in Matthew and Mark the Pharisees used it to test Jesus (Matthew 19:3, 7), so Jesus had to address it.

Whether today's immoral society allows for divorce or not is irrelevant IMHO. They allow for a lot of things that aren't Biblical. Jesus was very clear about the only reason allowed for divorce. He didn't mince words. I will quote it here:

Matthew 19:9

"I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."

That's very clear. Anything else is a manipulation of the text as a means to an end.

 

[selune]

I am not talking about what the OT law says about divorce exactly, I am saying in Jesus' time there would be no question about divorce in abuse cases because the husband would have been killed, thus freeing the wife. It was a non issue and therefore Jesus did not need to address it.

In today's society our law does not allow for murdering wife beaters and so the lawful way out is divorce.

I think that charligirl has a great point here. Also, I don't think we were freed from all OT laws, Jesus was bringing the people back to the laws' original intent and freeing them from the confusing set of rules that they had become. Matt. 5:17-20

Also, a man entering into marriage who does not tell his wife that he will be beating her is entering into the covenent by deception. He has lied to get to that stage. Why is the covenant based upon a lie to be upheld? Food for thought.

 

[charligirl]

Matthew 19:9

"I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."

That's very clear. Anything else is a manipulation of the text as a means to an end.

As I said, I am not discussing what Jesus said about divorce, but what was omitted because it was not relevant in that day. The husband would be dead, period, no need to even consider divorce, it wouldn't need to be addressed.

You are taking Jesus' words absolutely literally, so therefore you would agree that a wife can divorce her husband... because Jesus doesn't mention that at all, so is that ok?

 

[SirKenin]

I think that charligirl has a great point here. Also, I don't think we were freed from all OT laws, Jesus was bringing the people back to the laws' original intent and freeing them from the confusing set of rules that they had become. Matt. 5:17-20

Also, a man entering into marriage who does not tell his wife that he will be beating her is entering into the covenent by deception. He has lied to get to that stage. Why is the covenant based upon a lie to be upheld? Food for thought.

Yes, Paul says that we are freed from OT laws when he slammed legalism in Galatians 3. It seems to me that it is mentioned elsewhere as well, but I can't recall it at the moment.

Also, your second argument really has no merit. Nobody gets married to abuse their wife or husband. They aren't hiding the fact they're going to abuse them. Deception is not a factor and not an excuse to weasel out from under Jesus' strict view of divorce. Jesus gave only one reason. Paul gave one. That's it.

 

[SirKenin]

As I said, I am not discussing what Jesus said about divorce, but what was omitted because it was not relevant in that day. The husband would be dead, period, no need to even consider divorce, it wouldn't need to be addressed.

You are taking Jesus' words absolutely literally, so therefore you would agree that a wife can divorce her husband... because Jesus doesn't mention that at all, so is that ok?

That's a ridiculous argument, based purely on speculation. We are exempt from OT law as I just mentioned in my previous post. Read Galations 3 for more info.

Second, you are assuming far too much. There are no words to insert. The husband would not be dead. The husband was only stoned if he abused a pregnant woman and she aborted. There were also provisions in Deuteronomic law for stoning someone that raped and seduced virgins. I have found nothing for any other related circumstance. The idea of the OT law was eye for an eye. Life for life.

So, Jesus bringing up abuse would have been relevant. The Pharisees were testing him.

What God has joined together, let no man put asunder Matthew 19:6

Jesus said, “Love your enemies. Do good to those who hate you. Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who abuse you. If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them….”

Jesus spoke very clearly on the issue. Anything else and you are just putting words in his mouth and manipulating text to justify one's actions. The only other recourse is to separate and remain unmarried.

 

[msjones21]

Thanks for everyone's input this far. My next question is this...

If a woman leaves her husband because he abuses her and she remarries (which most people would, especially if they divorced young) she is Biblically considered an adulteress? If that's the case then does that mean she is living in sin with her new husband every day of her life and that would be unrepented sin? If it's unrepented sin then would simply seeking forgiveness from God be enough or would she be required to divorce her subsequent husband and then live a life of celibacy? I know I have alot of questions but this is just such a complex issue that affects me personally. I divorced at 19 because of abuse and I obviously have the desire to remarry someday if that's God's will. I just don't want the emotional burden of constantly thinking I'm some wicked adulteress.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Abuse is inexcusable. I believe it is an absolute violation and transgression of the marriage covenant. Not only do I believe it to be grounds for leaving, I believe the church should take action against someone who treats the spouse one supposedly loves this way.
I have zero tolerance for abuse. It is a terrible crying shame.

 

[SirKenin]

Thanks for everyone's input this far. My next question is this...

If a woman leaves her husband because he abuses her and she remarries (which most people would, especially if they divorced young) she is Biblically considered an adulteress? If that's the case then does that mean she is living in sin with her new husband every day of her life and that would be unrepented sin? If it's unrepented sin then would simply seeking forgiveness from God be enough or would she be required to divorce her subsequent husband and then live a life of celibacy? I know I have alot of questions but this is just such a complex issue that affects me personally. I divorced at 19 because of abuse and I obviously have the desire to remarry someday if that's God's will. I just don't want the emotional burden of constantly thinking I'm some wicked adulteress.

Unfortunately yes, you would be an adulteress according to the words of Jesus and Paul. The Bible also declares that adulterers will not inherit the Kingdom of Heaven (1 Corinthians 6:9) You would be living in sin according to Jesus. You can't keep repenting every day, and continue to live the same lie. You have to repent and turn your back on your sin

I guess at this point you are required to remain celibate or reconcile with your husband. Just because your hearts were hard at the time does not exempt you from God's teaching as far as I have been able to ascertain. Jesus asks you to love those that abuse you.. Forgive them.

Good luck to you.

BTW, I'm not your judge, God is.. So what matters is what He thinks, not what I think.