Difficulties for Young Marriages

[mina]

I'm not married but I would like to share something. Most of my friends that have married young and are now having difficulities are trying to fix everything themselves. Meaning when people get married (even Christians) I think they sort of think of themselfs as we two against the world, when really if they are part of the universal church that's untrue. There's a very biblical command for older men to teach younger ones to care for their families and for older women to teach the younger women to love their husbands and their families. One thing I want to do when I do get married (even if I end up being an older woman when it happens) is to have a more mature couple sort of mentoring my husband and I. I don't mean to boss us around or tell us how we should do everything or poke their noses into everything, but as a Godly model to look to and to see how God works through those difficulties in a marriage and to give good advice to prevent things before they even start. I didn't read all the replys but I think someone mentioned that after marriage it's like the church just cuts you off from developing you in that stage of life unless you are getting divorced. I think that's true and that satan creeps in and uses that and plays the thoughts in minds that "well youre married now and you have to take care of it all yourself", when that's not really true. there is a wealth of knowledge in the church, and I believe that younger couples should learn from the older ones.

 

[Jenna]

Here is something that I've been pondering since the idea of mentoring couples was broached in the Women's Forum.

Do you think that maybe the problem is that no one feels capable or "good enough" to mentor anyone else? There seem to be plenty of people asking for help, but not as many people who come across as confident enough to want the responsibility of helping to guide someone else.

 

[mina]

I think that's true too. Many mature couples don't feel adaquate enough to mentor. And also I think that many young couples won't put themselfs in a position to be mentored. It takes a lot of humility to say, I'm willing to be taught from someone that's been through this before. My church just started a womens mentoring program and i remember being so amazed when I heard about it, because I've never heard of a church having somehting like that for adults (kids and teens but never adults). And I really wish that more churches would realize the benefit of men mentoring men and women mentoring women and couples mentoring couples because it is so important. I think there's a need and call for this type of ministry for adults in the church.

 

[bkg]

Do you think that maybe the problem is that no one feels capable or "good enough" to mentor anyone else? There seem to be plenty of people asking for help, but not as many people who come across as confident enough to want the responsibility of helping to guide someone else.

There are plenty of people asking for help HERE, and maybe in their couples groups. But how many have asked for help from the elders of their church? I think that is problem number 1.

Problem number two is likely fear and pressure. Can you imagine, as a couple that has been married and maybe seen their children leave the nest, how much they would have to open their lives up to another couple to really provide good mentoring? I think this type of mentorship is extremely intimate, and it puts a lot of pressure on the mentor couple to not only be Godly (a couple worthy of being a mentor), but honest and open. So yes, I feel you are correct that it's a TON of responsibility!!!

But... I can say this... I'd do it in a heartbeat if I were a married man and worth of that role.

 

[bkg]

I think that's true too. Many mature couples don't feel adaquate enough to mentor. And also I think that many young couples won't put themselfs in a position to be mentored. It takes a lot of humility to say, I'm willing to be taught from someone that's been through this before. My church just started a womens mentoring program and i remember being so amazed when I heard about it, because I've never heard of a church having somehting like that for adults (kids and teens but never adults). And I really wish that more churches would realize the benefit of men mentoring men and women mentoring women and couples mentoring couples because it is so important. I think there's a need and call for this type of ministry for adults in the church.

All very well said!

 

[Jenna]

In my own experience, there hasn't been much option as far as talking to elders of my church. Our congregation isn't structured to include elders, and to be honest, it get pretty confusing just trying to figure out who is running what, let alone who to go to for help. The only way that I know of to get any real answers is to go to our Pastor, and that can be an intimidating thing for a lot of people.

I'll agree that mentoring is a very intimate thing. However, if we are acting in love, then what really is there for someone to be afraid of? Just like in one couple, if both parties are vulnerable to each other, neither has any more to fear than the other.

 

[charligirl]

I am one of the church leaders ... I get the teens coming to me, but I sure hope that married couples don't come to me just yet, still in my first year LOL!

We are very blessed in that I have great pastors and assistant pastors who are skilled in that area... I sometimes speak to the women for advice, can't see my husband being keen to open up to them although he is happy to go to the marriage seminars.

 

[bkg]

I'll agree that mentoring is a very intimate thing. However, if we are acting in love, then what really is there for someone to be afraid of? Just like in one couple, if both parties are vulnerable to each other, neither has any more to fear than the other.

I wrote once that I believe that couples maintain their "dress to impress" attitude all the way up to the point of the wedding. it's a theory, mind you. But I think that we are all afraid, on some level, of admitting we're not perfect, that we have faults, etc. I have found that many couples have problems sharing their fears and insecurities with each other, so can you imagine now sharing these intimate things with another couple?

I agree with your points, Jenna, 100%. You are correct. But I think that many couples, young and old, still maintain this "dress to impress" air about them when they interact with others. They keep the "dirty laundry" at home, so to speak. And while that makes sense to a point, it would hinder the ability to have an intimate mentor/mentee relationship.

Yes... I'm cynical again today.

 

[alaskamolly]

I've talked to my Pastor about this as well.
We start w/ Awana, then youth groups, then young-adults groups, then couples groups, then pre-marital counseling, then the wedding, then... uh... then.............

While agreeing with the idea that we must start educating the young children at an early age about marraige, the above specifics are, in my book, WRONG!

This is part of what got us into this mess to begin with!

The HOME ceased to be any sort of authority...so we go look OUTSIDE the home for answers, OUTSIDE the home for help, OUTSIDE the home for instruction.

What kind of a message does that send? It basically says that the real meaning of life is found in INSTITUTIONS. So institutions trump home, even when they're supposedly reaching out to help the home.


We are so trained to NOT think in terms of Deut. 6 (which is sooooooooo good, I can't recommend it enough for a quick course on God's method of training the young). Programs like Awana are well and good, but they will NEVER NEVER NEVER replace a godly home that's on fire for God. THAT is the place children will be forever impacted, not in any little club or institutional setting.




My 2.5 cents...


Mol

 

[Flipper]

I would agree with you assuming that parents are willing to take that role. If they aren't is it the kid's problem then?

 

[Carl Carlson]

I think you'll see marriage disappear w/in the next 50-100 years. Our society has no concept, even in Christian circles, of a covenant. We simply will not dedicate ourselves to anything that doesn't bring us instant gratification.

I'm sorry that you seem to believe that marriage will disappear, muchless within many of our lifetimes. Marraige was instituted by God to join man and woman , this was God's plan. Many have perverted it in various ways, but it is still God's plan. We Christians are the bride of Christ and we will wait for the return of Jesus Christ, meaning marriage will never die. Like God, it is, it was, it will always be.

Just because the world has become morally bankrupt does not mean that Christians, who understand what it means to have Christ's love, will not uphold our side of the marriage with Christ, or together with our spouses.

Women are to submit to their husbands out of reverance to God, and husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church. There is no greater love than when a man lay down his life for another. The submission that is intended for the woman cannot give domination (or anything that would harm the wife) to the husband, because Christ would not treat his church that way. The husband is called to have the higher responsibility and called to a great accountability for his family. In many ways, men have been the fall of a lot of marriages and we need to take ownership of this and recommit ourselves. Each person is responsible to their spouse. If you are looking to gratify yourself, you will never be happy in marriage. If you truly follow God's plan and live to first please God, and then please your spouse, you will succeed.

I for one plan on living for Christ and loving my wife. We plan on being married for over 50 years, so we alone might break your prediction. The only way I see marriage on earth not making it that long is if our bride returns for a greater wedding before then...

May God bless you and keep you. May our marriages grow in God's strength and let us grow closer together as we draw closer to you. Amen.

 

[Carl Carlson]

I went to MN's largest HS... IIRC, more emphasis on getting us through than teaching us. I'm not bitter, just cynical .

On a side note, what is IIRC? The only thing I can think of is Rochester?

Just wondering...

 

[mina]

While agreeing with the idea that we must start educating the young children at an early age about marraige, the above specifics are, in my book, WRONG!

This is part of what got us into this mess to begin with!

The HOME ceased to be any sort of authority...so we go look OUTSIDE the home for answers, OUTSIDE the home for help, OUTSIDE the home for instruction.

What kind of a message does that send? It basically says that the real meaning of life is found in INSTITUTIONS. So institutions trump home, even when they're supposedly reaching out to help the home.


We are so trained to NOT think in terms of Deut. 6 (which is sooooooooo good, I can't recommend it enough for a quick course on God's method of training the young). Programs like Awana are well and good, but they will NEVER NEVER NEVER replace a godly home that's on fire for God. THAT is the place children will be forever impacted, not in any little club or institutional setting.




My 2.5 cents...


Mol

yes I agree with that. The greatest influence in a child's life is his/her parents. I'm a public school teacher *gasp* and you know I really try to make a positive impact on my students, but I find in 99.9% of the cases i've dealt with the parent (good or bad) is the driving force in shaping the child's attitude about everything from education to manners to relationships with peers to anything else.

 

[bkg]

I'm sorry that you seem to believe that marriage will disappear, muchless within many of our lifetimes. Marraige was instituted by God to join man and woman , this was God's plan. Many have perverted it in various ways, but it is still God's plan. We Christians are the bride of Christ and we will wait for the return of Jesus Christ, meaning marriage will never die. Like God, it is, it was, it will always be.

don't get me wrong, I agree 100% with what you are saying... But I still think it will dissapear, if not be come so diluted that it is meaningless, in our society. Look at the last 50 years... Divorce rates have increase 10-fold (guess) with no indication of slowing. More and more people are living together. Even churches seem to refuse to stand against divorce or preach God's truth on marriage.

I'm making a prediction that I PRAY IS WRONG... But I'd put good money on that prediction as well...

 

[bkg]

On a side note, what is IIRC? The only thing I can think of is Rochester?

Just wondering...

Sorry!

IIRC = If I Recall Correctly.

 

[Carl Carlson]

Oh....thanks.

 

[Carl Carlson]

don't get me wrong, I agree 100% with what you are saying... But I still think it will dissapear, if not be come so diluted that it is meaningless, in our society. Look at the last 50 years... Divorce rates have increase 10-fold (guess) with no indication of slowing. More and more people are living together. Even churches seem to refuse to stand against divorce or preach God's truth on marriage.

I'm making a prediction that I PRAY IS WRONG... But I'd put good money on that prediction as well...

Well I'd take that bet, if I weren't against gambling, lol. But that's another thread...

You're divorce rate is a little inflated and I believe that time will prove your prediction wrong. On another note, are you married, or planning on getting married?

 

[bkg]

While agreeing with the idea that we must start educating the young children at an early age about marraige, the above specifics are, in my book, WRONG!

This is part of what got us into this mess to begin with!

Hmmm... I have to disagree. How did programs in our churches get us into a marrital mess?

The HOME ceased to be any sort of authority...so we go look OUTSIDE the home for answers, OUTSIDE the home for help, OUTSIDE the home for instruction.

We do that, as Christians, by turning to the Bible and the Church already. I'm not exactly seeing the difference????

What kind of a message does that send? It basically says that the real meaning of life is found in INSTITUTIONS. So institutions trump home, even when they're supposedly reaching out to help the home.

I think that the Bible should trump home... and the church, in many instances, should as well. Don't we go to church to learn more about our faith and the teachings that God provided? So shouldn't we also go to our churches to learn more about God's plan for marriage?

You're making a HUGE assumption that all Christian homes have all the knowledge necessary to educate their children on God's plan for marriage. The fact of the matter is, they don't.

but they will NEVER NEVER NEVER replace a godly home that's on fire for God. THAT is the place children will be forever impacted, not in any little club or institutional setting.

cynicism-on... Find me a church where every single family is on fire for God, and I'll change my position. Find me a neighborhood where every single family is on fire for God, and I'll change my position. Find me a group who says they are Christians, where every single family is on fire for God, and I'll change my position.....

Now... find me a group of people amongst those who are on fire for God who have studied (and lived) the Bible well enough to really train/show our children what a Godly marriage is to be...
cynicism-off

The problem with your arguement, as much as I want to agree with you, is that it really only is possible in the Garden of Eden. We live in a fallen world, and we NEED good programs and leadership in our Churches to guide us to strong relationships with Christ, strong communities, and strong marriages. Should it be that way? Frankly... I believe it should.

That's about $4.95 worth of opinion there... and I'm not even in a mood to write.

 

[bkg]

Well I'd take that bet, if I weren't against gambling, lol. But that's another thread...

You're divorce rate is a little inflated and I believe that time will prove your prediction wrong. On another note, are you married, or planning on getting married?

Divorce Rates - you are correct. A little research on www.divorceforum.org shows that divorces per 1000 population was 2.6 in 1950, 4.0 in 2001. I have not done the math to convert that to percentages...

check out: http://www.divorcereform.org/rates.html for more stats. The generally accepted rates are about 50-54% for first marriages, with roughly a 10%-15% increase for every marriage after that.

I am divorced. Been so or 7 months. And I'm probably the largest proponent of marriage that you'll ever meet. I'm standing for my marriage and will do so until God restores it in His perfect time.

While I admire your optimism about marriage... the trends show otherwise.

 

[Carl Carlson]

While I admire your optimism about marriage... the trends show otherwise.

Well, I praise God that He is not affected by world trends, nor are His promises affected.

I've never been trendy, either. I'm a very big dork. I know what you mean, though.

I'm sorry to hear about your divorce, I pray for healing where there is hurt and peace where there is turmoil.

Thanks for the updated figures and God bless.