Did a traumatic experience make you unchurched?

[discernomatic]

I too get tired of teachings that I can find no scriptural basis for, but I still say

"Evil Flourishes When Good Men Do Nothing" . I work in a mental hospital and 12 step programs are popular here. One thing I do like about them is the use of what they call slogans and two of my favorites are "Think" and the Other is "Take What you like and Leave the rest".

I don't like everything about my job or my family--and I hold different beliefs from both my parents and my boss, but we still manage to work together. I'm just hoping we can work together w/the "Churched" in order to affect more of a spiritual change within.

I agree. "Unchurched" doesn't mean "unbelieving" although some use the word to mean that. As long as we are actively doing something for our faith, getting the spiritual change within and letting it surface in our daily actions, that is what counts. Being unchurched doesn't mean that you can't have anything to do with churches either. Cooperation is still possible for those that are able to do it.

 

[Pudlmom]

Let me start off by saying that I believe most churches have a great deal of false teaching in them. Let's face it; the true gospel just isn't popular

I grew up in a small town where most everyone went to church and the churches were mostly what I call social clubs. My father was a member of the choir and was never confronted or dealt with according to scripture in any way while he was actively involved in adultery. He then divorced my mother and married the other woman in that same church. In fact, when my mother went to speak to the pastor in his office, he made sexual advances towards her right there and she ran out. There was one couple in this church really on fire for God and they greatly influenced my life. They were asked to leave, of course.

Jump forward several years. In another state I started going to a more Bible-believing church, but there was still false teaching, which I realized after hearing some tapes by Milton Green called The Church, Asleep and in Bondage.

Now I live back in that rural area with the social, dead churches. I just can't go somewhere where there is just religion. I long for fellowship, but there is not even a home church for us to go to.

 

[JesseRaymondBassett]

Jesse:

You did not comment on your Mom's reaction to the EMAIL. Do you feel pressured or perhaps led? If it is truly pressure, remember all the worlds problems are not yours to solve. GOD is still in charge and will bring forth the right person (maybe you) for the position.

Dear Dyan,
Her reaction to the email was surprisingly good. She agreed with me! Without question she accepted our compromise and left it at that. And in answer to your question, I felt led to leave Church.

 

[~HopeFloats~]

Did you mean a traumatic life experience or a traumatic experience in ones church.. because after some of the replies one could be confused.

 

[Qidron]

Let me start off by saying that I believe most churches have a great deal of false teaching in them. Let's face it; the true gospel just isn't popular

I grew up in a small town where most everyone went to church and the churches were mostly what I call social clubs. My father was a member of the choir and was never confronted or dealt with according to scripture in any way while he was actively involved in adultery. He then divorced my mother and married the other woman in that same church. In fact, when my mother went to speak to the pastor in his office, he made sexual advances towards her right there and she ran out. There was one couple in this church really on fire for God and they greatly influenced my life. They were asked to leave, of course.

Jump forward several years. In another state I started going to a more Bible-believing church, but there was still false teaching, which I realized after hearing some tapes by Milton Green called The Church, Asleep and in Bondage.

Now I live back in that rural area with the social, dead churches. I just can't go somewhere where there is just religion. I long for fellowship, but there is not even a home church for us to go to.

I realize you said NO, but your experiences sure seem traumatic enough and appear to be the reason you don't go to the "social clubs" any more. Are you sure you didn't mean YES?

As for fellowship...is there no one who loves the Lord around you that you can talk with? This verse comes to mind:

Mal 3:16

Then the people who feared the LORD spoke to one another, and the LORD listened and heard what they said. In his presence, there was written down in a book a record of those who feared the LORD and respected him.

The verses that surround it are also precious.
God bless you,
Q

 

[cwolf20]

let's see,

1) My home church, stopped being my home church. Not for lack of trying by the congregation mind you. And they are good people. It's just that through a set of circumstances where

a) a 20 year old friend of mine started making out with a 13 year old who was six feet tall and looked 18.. and he knew she was 13. It was consentual according to them both. This took place on a mission trip where my friend and I were chaperones by the way. Didn't find out till 4 days into it.

b) The church upon discovering this (I was how they found out) decided that maybe the college students shouldn't be grouped with the high schoolers in youth groups. And they should only have supervised mixing with the junior highers. At the time, high school and college were one group. Also at that announcement, most of the high schoolers and college students told their parents that if the decision came down, they would find another church or not go at all. Half the parents agreed with the sentiment and threatened to leave too. They were not arguing about who was right or wrong in the original issue.

c) when I walked out of the church one Sunday morning, it felt like God walked out with me. Then He turned around and locked the door from the outside, and we went off down the road to find a new church.

d) since I walked out, I have been unable to walk back into the church, though I can show up at any services the pastor and congregation have at another location. Apparently the imagery of God and me leaving was true in a fashion.

Do I think God stopped being with the people at my old church? No. He's everywhere.

was all this traumatic? No... but it came close.




2) Another church I went to. The choir leader was a divorced woman, due to the fact that she needed to be safe. When the pastor was replaced by a regional member of the Southern Baptist Association. (He's still there) he told her that a divorced woman could not be in a leadership position and arbitrarily replaced her. The church that had never supported the Southern Baptist Association never argued. I found out from her later that she had several offers immediately from other churches. God was looking out for her.

That decision from the pastor caused me to leave.

 

[Qidron]

let's see,

1) My home church, stopped being my home church. Not for lack of trying by the congregation mind you. And they are good people. It's just that through a set of circumstances where

a) a 20 year old friend of mine started making out with a 13 year old who was six feet tall and looked 18.. and he knew she was 13. It was consentual according to them both. This took place on a mission trip where my friend and I were chaperones by the way. Didn't find out till 4 days into it.

b) The church upon discovering this (I was how they found out) decided that maybe the college students shouldn't be grouped with the high schoolers in youth groups. And they should only have supervised mixing with the junior highers. At the time, high school and college were one group. Also at that announcement, most of the high schoolers and college students told their parents that if the decision came down, they would find another church or not go at all. Half the parents agreed with the sentiment and threatened to leave too. They were not arguing about who was right or wrong in the original issue.

c) when I walked out of the church one Sunday morning, it felt like God walked out with me. Then He turned around and locked the door from the outside, and we went off down the road to find a new church.

d) since I walked out, I have been unable to walk back into the church, though I can show up at any services the pastor and congregation have at another location. Apparently the imagery of God and me leaving was true in a fashion.

Do I think God stopped being with the people at my old church? No. He's everywhere.

was all this traumatic? No... but it came close.




2) Another church I went to. The choir leader was a divorced woman, due to the fact that she needed to be safe. When the pastor was replaced by a regional member of the Southern Baptist Association. (He's still there) he told her that a divorced woman could not be in a leadership position and arbitrarily replaced her. The church that had never supported the Southern Baptist Association never argued. I found out from her later that she had several offers immediately from other churches. God was looking out for her.

That decision from the pastor caused me to leave.

Well, at least I'm not the only one this happened to! It was so bizzare I've wondered. A VERY similar thing happened in our youth group. I was one of the helper moms...the older boy was my son and the young girl was another helper mom's daughter. But the fact that my husband and I didn't want these two being so close...and I do mean close...was of no concern to the pastors. They would NOT help us redirect our own children. My husband and I were labled trouble makers and sorta got shunned out of the congregation...but only by the leadership. There were lots of sincere Christians there. We have since found out that most of them have left. We felt the Lord was saying RUN!

There was a problem in that fellowship of turning away from correction. We lost our son in this mess. He married the girl that he got pregnant when she was only 15...and they are now calling themselves pagans. This particular problem of letting children decide the rules is horrible. God will correct and He will vindicate.

It WAS traumatic because our son is lost to us. All the things we were used to concerning "church" changed...but we've since found out that these were things that NEEDED to be changed...things that needed to be shaken loose.

God is continually providing fellowship and ministry for us.

Q

 

[discernomatic]

Did you mean a traumatic life experience or a traumatic experience in ones church.. because after some of the replies one could be confused.

I meant a traumatic experience in a church. Although going through something like that could be a traumatic life experience, too. Beliefs go deep, and it can rock your world to find that they may not have been entirely true.

 

[discernomatic]

let's see, was all this traumatic? No... but it came close.

2) Another church I went to. The choir leader was a divorced woman, due to the fact that she needed to be safe. When the pastor was replaced by a regional member of the Southern Baptist Association. (He's still there) he told her that a divorced woman could not be in a leadership position and arbitrarily replaced her. The church that had never supported the Southern Baptist Association never argued. I found out from her later that she had several offers immediately from other churches. God was looking out for her.

That decision from the pastor caused me to leave.

That is what bothers me too, both what you said and what pudlmom said. Both stories show sins that should have been addressed in the churches, acceptance of corruption, (sex with minors! and other hanky panky attempts) and on the other hand lack of mercy. Some divorces cannot or should not be prevented, they may be needed to prevent physical abuse or other types of abuse. Those were dysfunctional churches, that were not able to judge properly among themselves as Paul entreated us to in 1 Corinthians 4 and 6. Some forget chapter 4 and some 6, and do not think that they might be considered together, in the light of the love and mercy of Jesus Christ. In all of my travels I have rarely seen a church that fits Paul's description.

 

[MissingPerson]

Wow!!! This is probably going to get me in more trouble here than it did in Church...

I am unchurched right now because of awful experiences due to my sexuality. Those of us who are gay and Christian, seek to be faithful to Christ, but often find it almost impossible. When we are open about who we are, we are often shown the door or are made to feel so unwelcome that we leave. I have been unchurched for some time because of this. When I was younger I was told by people I trusted that gays should be taken outside the city and stoned, they should be kicked out of the church, and that God didn't love them. This was very traumatic for me as a closeted child (I heard all these things before the age of 13, from adults and church leaders who didn't know that I was gay...). I now church hop, never staying somewhere long enough for people to get to know me, because I'm afraid of having to live a lie so that people will accept me. So, I continue to church hop and look for a place where I am welcome and can openly worship Christ while being who I am.

Now I know what's coming...Pat responses about how homosexuality is sinful, how I need to repent, etc. Believe me, I've tried that in the past. It doesn't go away. I've learned to accept myself for who I am. That's all...And that's why I am unchurched.

 

[discernomatic]

Wow!!! This is probably going to get me in more trouble here than it did in Church...

I am unchurched right now because of awful experiences due to my sexuality. Those of us who are gay and Christian, seek to be faithful to Christ, but often find it almost impossible. When we are open about who we are, we are often shown the door or are made to feel so unwelcome that we leave. I have been unchurched for some time because of this. When I was younger I was told by people I trusted that gays should be taken outside the city and stoned, they should be kicked out of the church, and that God didn't love them. This was very traumatic for me as a closeted child (I heard all these things before the age of 13, from adults and church leaders who didn't know that I was gay...). I now church hop, never staying somewhere long enough for people to get to know me, because I'm afraid of having to live a lie so that people will accept me. So, I continue to church hop and look for a place where I am welcome and can openly worship Christ while being who I am.

Now I know what's coming...Pat responses about how homosexuality is sinful, how I need to repent, etc. Believe me, I've tried that in the past. It doesn't go away. I've learned to accept myself for who I am. That's all...And that's why I am unchurched.

I won't condemn you, but neither would I condone the behavior. You probably have had Scripture verses thrown at you numerous times and already know what is written there about it.

I have some sympathy, having a few gays in the family. I have never treated them differently than I would anyone else, though I do not condone their behavior. I miss one of them because he died of aids, had become gay after being molested by the local priest when he was an altarboy. Gays are people too and need love and fellowship like everyone else, but to be honest I think such behavior cannot be condoned in a church setting without purposefully ignoring parts of Scripture.

No one that is a Christian loses God's love just because they sin, I think it really mean of people to have told you that. They are ignoring parts of Scripture in favor of others. That is shabby doctrine and completely lacking in Christian love and mercy. Those are the kind that probably ostracize family members that they perceive to be sinning (pregnant teens are a favorite) I am sure. I would never do something like that. We had a few of those in the family too, and no one was turned away.

I can sympathize in another way, I have been thrown out of a church too, or better said not even let in, but not for any sin that I committed unless being honest and disagreeing with doctrine is a sin - which it isn't. Even that is enough for some people. They managed to turn me away most harshly as well. No Christian love and mercy there either. Well, there are other solutions. Being outside a church doesn't mean you are not Christian, and there are many valid definitions of "church". I know of another Christian Forum where you might find it easier to navigate if people start getting, ah, impolite here. It can happen. Will send a PM.

 

[truezeta]

Being a PK...I got disgusted with church folks and left for a couple of years. Still have my triggers when it comes to that. But I am back where I belong.

 

[discernomatic]

Being a PK...I got disgusted with church folks and left for a couple of years. Still have my triggers when it comes to that. But I am back where I belong.

Am glad you got out of there. How was it with PK while you were there? Or is it still too terrible to talk about? How is the church you found?

 

[Qidron]

Being a PK...I got disgusted with church folks and left for a couple of years. Still have my triggers when it comes to that. But I am back where I belong.

Hi, Did you mean Promise Keepers...or Preacher's kid?

 

[truezeta]

PK for me means Pastor Kid. The church I attend now is fine because I am out the fish bowl and have some anonymity.

 

[Johnnz]

Wow!!! This is probably going to get me in more trouble here than it did in Church...

I am unchurched right now because of awful experiences due to my sexuality. Those of us who are gay and Christian, seek to be faithful to Christ, but often find it almost impossible. When we are open about who we are, we are often shown the door or are made to feel so unwelcome that we leave. I have been unchurched for some time because of this. When I was younger I was told by people I trusted that gays should be taken outside the city and stoned, they should be kicked out of the church, and that God didn't love them. This was very traumatic for me as a closeted child (I heard all these things before the age of 13, from adults and church leaders who didn't know that I was gay...). I now church hop, never staying somewhere long enough for people to get to know me, because I'm afraid of having to live a lie so that people will accept me. So, I continue to church hop and look for a place where I am welcome and can openly worship Christ while being who I am.

Now I know what's coming...Pat responses about how homosexuality is sinful, how I need to repent, etc. Believe me, I've tried that in the past. It doesn't go away. I've learned to accept myself for who I am. That's all...And that's why I am unchurched.

There is an interesting Christian web site thirdway.org.uk Find the Way back button. That will get you onto a page that contains previous articles. There is a very thoughtful one on the pastoral care of homosexuals. You may find it hard to come across a good chuch that will accept to, but at least you will know that there are some Christians who earnestly attempt to build bridges.

John
NZ

 

[discernomatic]

PK for me means Pastor Kid. The church I attend now is fine because I am out the fish bowl and have some anonymity.

Thought PK was promise keepers. There have been some that have suffered from being a part of that organisation. Sometimes even psychiatric help is necessary. That goes for pastor's kids too, if too much was expected of them and/or if they were raised in an ultra-authoritarian way. Someone I know flipped out for a while because of the too-strict lifestyle he had to endure all those years, but later studied, got a degree, and now has a good job and family. All without psychiatric help, it just took him about three years to work it all out by himself.

 

[sally.b]

I recently had a traumatic experience that kept me out of a church when I thought I finally had "come home" after many years of being away from them. Have you had one? If it is not fit to print here because of the restrictions you may send it to me via my website. Just click on my profile and then the site link. I will definitely handle it discreetly. If you want it posted on my site anonymously, I will consider posting it. I have some links to organizations that help in such matters but am looking for more. If you can help me in that way (you will be helping others as well), please send me a mail.

Yes after 10 years of tithing 10th of our gross, plus giving money and ourselves in other ways and trying to "die to oneself" etc etc.. We gave up with the abuse, neglect, lack of care, unwillingness to be accountable to issues, bombastic behaviour from one pastor to me, mocking behaviour from another and a "never good enough" perfectionist mentality from another.

The bombastic one humiliated me publically and ruined my daughters wedding.
He also took charge of my son and caused him to leave home at 17 which in short has ruined his life and our relationship with him.

Since then 1998 our lives are wrecked and give no glory to God. I still have faith in God and hope one day we will have a direction, but basically i dont trust my own discernment anymore OR my own motives and I feel totally "bled dry"!!.

 

[Qidron]

Yes after 10 years of tithing 10th of our gross, plus giving money and ourselves in other ways and trying to "die to oneself" etc etc.. We gave up with the abuse, neglect, lack of care, unwillingness to be accountable to issues, bombastic behaviour from one pastor to me, mocking behaviour from another and a "never good enough" perfectionist mentality from another.

The bombastic one humiliated me publically and ruined my daughters wedding.
He also took charge of my son and caused him to leave home at 17 which in short has ruined his life and our relationship with him.

Since then 1998 our lives are wrecked and give no glory to God. I still have faith in God and hope one day we will have a direction, but basically i dont trust my own discernment anymore OR my own motives and I feel totally "bled dry"!!.

Sally, my heart is with you. There is simply a shaking taking place...even the time frame is the same. Our situation, so similar. It hurts. We feel as though WE have been shaken out...but the truth is that the Lord is doing the shaking and cleaning out His house....and it IS'T in a building or congregation. Many of us need a solid and clear word from the Lord to bolster and direct us. Share what He says to you. This I know: Christ is building HIS church, and reshaping us, its stones. Hang onto Him.
Blessings,
Char

 

[discernomatic]

Yes after 10 years of tithing 10th of our gross, plus giving money and ourselves in other ways and trying to "die to oneself" etc etc.. We gave up with the abuse, neglect, lack of care, unwillingness to be accountable to issues, bombastic behaviour from one pastor to me, mocking behaviour from another and a "never good enough" perfectionist mentality from another.

The bombastic one humiliated me publically and ruined my daughters wedding.
He also took charge of my son and caused him to leave home at 17 which in short has ruined his life and our relationship with him.

Since then 1998 our lives are wrecked and give no glory to God. I still have faith in God and hope one day we will have a direction, but basically i dont trust my own discernment anymore OR my own motives and I feel totally "bled dry"!!.

Hi Sally,
I'm sorry to hear what happened to you. I know how you feel, a little. I felt afraid to take a step in any direction too after being misled for many years (this was before the last incident that I described at the beginning). At first I couldn't even read Scripture properly, those that had misused it against me had taught me to misinterpret it and use it against myself. I had to learn how to read it all over again. Some say that using a different version than before helps.

They want us to die to self according to their way, as long as it profits them. If we would be doing it as Christ taught us, they wouldn't like it. There are some for which we are never good enough. That is typical of cults and cult-like churches. With such friends, who needs enemies? The only thing to do is to remove oneself from that kind of environment.

I know of someone that had their teen in treatment with Rick Ross (treats ex-cult members) after leaving a church, it was the only way to get sense into him, he wanted to stay in the cult-like church when his family left.

You might be interested in a page about Spiritual Abuse that I have set up recently: http://www.jamesfive19.com/Spiritual_Abuse_Links_Resources.html.

Will PM you an address where others go that have suffered as you have. Discussion can help. It has helped me a lot. I hope you find comfort and healing.