Definition of "letting go" of a resentment

[LovebirdsFlying]

There is a nagging thought I keep trying to answer logically, but I have trouble making it stick. It's about "letting go of resentment." I keep coming against the mental barrier that "giving it up" means acknowledging I never had any reason to be resentful in the first place, that they were right and I was wrong, and nothing bad happened. Intellectually I know better, but what do I tell my heart?

 

[mytel]

Do you mean letting go of resentment as in forgiveness? If so, i think when you forgive someone, you don't have to say or pretend that nothing bad happened, but that you forgive despite what happened. I think it is good to think of it like this: Though we are undeserving, God through Christ forgave us of our sins, so we should try to treat each other the same way. Like the parable Jesus told of the unmerciful servant. I think its also important to examine our own heart and actions as well. Life is hard and we have all been hurt in different ways, so i can understand where you are coming from. I will pray for you.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

That was a beautiful answer. Thank you. In forgiving us, God isn't saying we didn't sin in the first place, is He?

 

[tturt]

Yes. When we sincerely repent of our sins, Yahweh forgives us. In fact, Jer 31 says He forgives and forgets. Since He knows everything, it means He doesn't hold that against us. Also, we need to accept His forgiveness; otherwise, we're saying our sin is bigger or beyond or exceeds His forgiveness, His sacrifice.

When doubts come, we need to immediately think of the truth such as "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." I John 1

 

[Autumnleaf]

I view letting go of resentments as giving myself the gift of not having to worry about a past injury. I've heard being resentful of someone is like drinking poison and hoping someone else dies. When we are resentful the person we resent sleeps just fine, but we often don't. Letting go of the resentment is not admitting you are wrong and they are right. It is admitting that they are like a rattle snake and its in their nature to do what they did. I can forgive them for biting me, but in the future when I hear that rattle I'll be heading in the opposite direction.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Hey, I like that part about the rattlesnake, AL. You can forgive it for biting you, but you don't stand there like an idiot and let it keep biting you.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Follow-up question:

There is someone in my life that I have to stay away from, if I'm going to hold on to the astounding progress I've made in therapy. Although I know my mother isn't trying to hurt me, she does not understand me well enough to avoid doing it. She has a way of making me feel like less than two cents. Nothing I've ever done has been good enough. If I make straight A's in college, I'll never get a job, because no company is going to want to hire a woman my size. If I get a job, that work is beneath me and doesn't pay enough, and I could do better if I tried. When she compliments me, it's sort of a "protests too much" thing. She makes it sound like she's surprised I actually succeeded, since normally I'm such a dunce. My therapist said it best: "Even when she thinks she's building you up, she's tearing you down."

Therefore, if I spend any time at all around her, eventually she's going to bite. So, I don't. And when I don't, I get an awful lot of, "Aren't you ever going to learn to leave the past in the past? You need to let go of that resentment." I'm not punishing her. I'm just protecting myself from being bitten again. If she doesn't know she's doing it, she can't very well stop herself. So I have to stay out of the way. If I don't, my diagnosed PTSD is going to flare up so fast.... it would be like sending a veteran back to the war zone.

Does not having contact with my mother make me a bad person, a bad daughter, and a bad Christian?

 

[Hospes]

So I have to stay out of the way. If I don't, my diagnosed PTSD is going to flare up so fast.... it would be like sending a veteran back to the war zone.

Does not having contact with my mother make me a bad person, a bad daughter, and a bad Christian?

No, it does not. But do not cease to hope there will be a time when God has healed and strengthened you enough to walk back into the war zone and do good to those that earlier had been able to hurt you.

Grace to you.

 

[DiscipleHeLovesToo]

when she starts criticizing you, refuse to participate. smile and change the subject to something good about her; if you can keep the focus on her in a positive way, eventually she will tell you why she does this to you (likely a traumatic experience in her past that she hasn't gotten over that has nothing to do with you). you can have respect for her as your mother without having respect for her opinion of you as she states it; the less respect you have of her bad opinions about you, the less those bad opinions will bother you. as you strive to believe what God has said about you as a reborn believer, the impact of other people's bad opinions about you will will diminish.

and never again say that you have PTSD; instead say 'i had PTSD, and i may still have to fight off some symptoms every so often using my faith in God, but i've received the healing i asked God for in faith, and i'm not going to have PTSD anymore

Rom 4:17 KJV
(17) (As it is written, I have made thee a father of many nations,) before him whom he believed, even God, who quickeneth the dead, and calleth those things which be not as though they were.

follow God's example

 

[Galadriel]

Follow-up question:

There is someone in my life that I have to stay away from, if I'm going to hold on to the astounding progress I've made in therapy. Although I know my mother isn't trying to hurt me, she does not understand me well enough to avoid doing it. She has a way of making me feel like less than two cents. Nothing I've ever done has been good enough. If I make straight A's in college, I'll never get a job, because no company is going to want to hire a woman my size. If I get a job, that work is beneath me and doesn't pay enough, and I could do better if I tried. When she compliments me, it's sort of a "protests too much" thing. She makes it sound like she's surprised I actually succeeded, since normally I'm such a dunce. My therapist said it best: "Even when she thinks she's building you up, she's tearing you down."

Therefore, if I spend any time at all around her, eventually she's going to bite. So, I don't. And when I don't, I get an awful lot of, "Aren't you ever going to learn to leave the past in the past? You need to let go of that resentment." I'm not punishing her. I'm just protecting myself from being bitten again. If she doesn't know she's doing it, she can't very well stop herself. So I have to stay out of the way. If I don't, my diagnosed PTSD is going to flare up so fast.... it would be like sending a veteran back to the war zone.

Does not having contact with my mother make me a bad person, a bad daughter, and a bad Christian?

Hi there,
As someone who has had to steer clear of my mother for a time, it does NOT make you a bad person at all. You have to protect yourself, and your mother clearly doesn't get what she is doing to you. Most likely if you tried to spell it out to her she would end up getting angry/upset/resentful back at you and it wouldn't really fix anything. Maybe someday when you are stronger you may be able to have short visits with her, but until then do not feel bad for having to stay away. I had to do this too just to try to fix myself from all the bad stuff, its necessary.

Also I think forgiving means not holding a grudge against her, actively staying angry, but it does not mean that you just forget what she did or put yourself in a position to repeatedly get hurt over and over. Its OK to stay clear of abusive people, even if its your own mother.

With my mom I did go years without seeing her, but have recently seen her a few times and it went good! This is after I've gotten through some stuff though.

 

[Galadriel]

when she starts criticizing you, refuse to participate. smile and change the subject to something good about her; if you can keep the focus on her in a positive way, eventually she will tell you why she does this to you (likely a traumatic experience in her past that she hasn't gotten over that has nothing to do with you). you can have respect for her as your mother without having respect for her opinion of you as she states it; the less respect you have of her bad opinions about you, the less those bad opinions will bother you. as you strive to believe what God has said about you as a reborn believer, the impact of other people's bad opinions about you will will diminish.

and never again say that you have PTSD; instead say 'i had PTSD, and i may still have to fight off some symptoms every so often using my faith in God, but i've received the healing i asked God for in faith, and i'm not going to have PTSD anymore

Rom 4:17 KJV
(17) (As it is written, I have made thee a father of many nations,) before him whom he believed, even God, who quickeneth the dead, and calleth those things which be not as though they were.

follow God's example

The OP doesn't seem to be at a point yet where she can have contact with her mom without being negatively affected. Maybe someday she will be, but to keep putting herself in a position to be hurt right now is not a good idea. It knocks down any progress made.

Yes she DOES still have PTSD and its silly to tell her to say she does not. That's like telling yourself you don't have diabetes. She is working through the PTSD currently, and being around her mom who triggers it does not help her to further overcome the PTSD.

 

[Emmy]

Dear LovebirdsFlying. Letting go of resentment is forgiving and forgetting.
That is what God wants from us. Remember what Jesus taught us in the prayer
He taught His disciples? " Our Father who are in Heaven?" In it Jesus tells us:
" forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us?" God forgives you, as you forgive others, that is simple and straightforward. God will know that you forgive and forget, and God will do the same. Thank God and let that be the end of it, you are wise and God Loves you for it.
I say this with love, LovebirdsFlying. Greetings from Emmy, your sister in Christ.

 

[NannaNae]

Do you mean letting go of resentment as in forgiveness? If so, i think when you forgive someone, you don't have to say or pretend that nothing bad happened, but that you forgive despite what happened. I think it is good to think of it like this: Though we are undeserving, God through Christ forgave us of our sins, so we should try to treat each other the same way. Like the parable Jesus told of the unmerciful servant. I think its also important to examine our own heart and actions as well. Life is hard and we have all been hurt in different ways, so i can understand where you are coming from. I will pray for you.

this is true . I always picture it as that parable also..in some ways


so if Self is still holding on to something or some way I was wronged . I can image listening to HIM tell me what I would like to be saying to someone else.
then ask myself if I would I want to hear from Jesus what I would want to say to someone else? usually the answer is NO.

so I pray
Lord I am willing to be made willing to forgive.
then I ask or pray a very hard prayer for me sometimes . which is 'teach me to love like you love Lord, and teach me to forgive like you forgive us lord !' then hold on to your shorts

that one process it always hurts.. because He will make us feel their pain that they are trapped in or his pain for them.... and that is not ever fun!
by the time it is over.. all you want is to be free of that un-forgiveness , and you want them free, Jesus free.. and humanity free..
of that all consuming needy greedy black hole that exists in every heart since Adam . you know we all have the same disease and it is awful bondage.
but if we want freedom from it we have to offer others freedom from it .
yes listen to the tape that goes on in our heads , that is a good place to start.

and no you don't have to trust a say rapist or a molester and yes they are WRONG it is SIN>. But you have to let go of it in the way that you allow Him ( Jesus )to be your vindication and your protection , not us ! as in self reliant or self protective / thus bitter.

I hope I made that clear enough.
an internal process I go through isn't always very easy to explain to someone else.. but I tried .. sorry gals if it doesn't make sense.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Follow-up question:

There is someone in my life that I have to stay away from, if I'm going to hold on to the astounding progress I've made in therapy. Although I know my mother isn't trying to hurt me, she does not understand me well enough to avoid doing it. She has a way of making me feel like less than two cents. Nothing I've ever done has been good enough. If I make straight A's in college, I'll never get a job, because no company is going to want to hire a woman my size. If I get a job, that work is beneath me and doesn't pay enough, and I could do better if I tried. When she compliments me, it's sort of a "protests too much" thing. She makes it sound like she's surprised I actually succeeded, since normally I'm such a dunce. My therapist said it best: "Even when she thinks she's building you up, she's tearing you down."

Therefore, if I spend any time at all around her, eventually she's going to bite. So, I don't. And when I don't, I get an awful lot of, "Aren't you ever going to learn to leave the past in the past? You need to let go of that resentment." I'm not punishing her. I'm just protecting myself from being bitten again. If she doesn't know she's doing it, she can't very well stop herself. So I have to stay out of the way. If I don't, my diagnosed PTSD is going to flare up so fast.... it would be like sending a veteran back to the war zone.

Does not having contact with my mother make me a bad person, a bad daughter, and a bad Christian?

Does staying away from rattle snakes make me a bad person? If the snake complains about it does it make me a bad person?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ToG3Q9e7zWE

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Thanks to all for their advice.

It seems to me that recovery is a process. It so happens I do have diabetes, the example that was used, and I'm not going to make it go away just by saying I don't have it. I need to eat right and take insulin, but doing that keeps it under control. Likewise, I am managing the PTSD. I don't see where lying to myself and saying I don't have it would be helpful.

Thanks for the snake imagery, AL. Staying away from snakes doesn't mean I have to hate them.

I just need to fix the link in the video so the page doesn't widen. it's a glitch.

 

[Galadriel]

Thanks to all for their advice.

It seems to me that recovery is a process. It so happens I do have diabetes, the example that was used, and I'm not going to make it go away just by saying I don't have it. I need to eat right and take insulin, but doing that keeps it under control. Likewise, I am managing the PTSD. I don't see where lying to myself and saying I don't have it would be helpful.

Thanks for the snake imagery, AL. Staying away from snakes doesn't mean I have to hate them.

I just need to fix the link in the video so the page doesn't widen. it's a glitch.

*Hugs* Yes it is a process and don't beat yourself up for needing to stay away from your mother to heal from it. It does get easier, but it does take time and being away from the source of the abuse so you can "renew your mind" and re-program.

 

[DiscipleHeLovesToo]

Mar 11:22-24 KJV
(22) And Jesus answering saith unto them, Have faith in God.
(23) For verily I say unto you, That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith.
(24) Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them.

here's the best piece of advice anyone can give - always agree with Jesus

 

[DiscipleHeLovesToo]

The OP doesn't seem to be at a point yet where she can have contact with her mom without being negatively affected. Maybe someday she will be, but to keep putting herself in a position to be hurt right now is not a good idea. It knocks down any progress made.

Yes she DOES still have PTSD and its silly to tell her to say she does not. That's like telling yourself you don't have diabetes. She is working through the PTSD currently, and being around her mom who triggers it does not help her to further overcome the PTSD.

debate is not allowed in the advice forum; but for the purpose of clarification, i did not tell her that she does not have PTSD; i told her what Jesus said about not having it

 

[LoricaLady]

One thing letting go can mean: Getting off the mental treadmill of remembering and rehashing what happened. Being on that treadmill is bad for your health, as studies show that anger and resentment lower the immunological system.

I have had to deal with this. What happened was Abba warned me I would get sick if I kept being angry at some people who had hurt me, with no justification. When I tried to stop thinking about it I was shocked at how often I was doing so! It took about a month for me to train my brain to turn away from such thoughts. And sometimes I would have to jerk it away from the "treadmill" even after that.

Funny thing happened. I was not trying to forgive those people. But by letting the issue go I found some time later that I actually did forgive them and was no longer resentful.

Praying for you to truly let it go. "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." Think of it as payoff on your own (which we all have) need for forgiveness.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

debate is not allowed in the advice forum; but for the purpose of clarification, i did not tell her that she does not have PTSD; i told her what Jesus said about not having it

Where in that verse did Jesus say I don't have PTSD? Not debating, just asking, as the OP.

I don't know... maybe I should have this topic moved to Recovery.