Just the mere discussion of separation, and he flipped his lid. Yelling, stomping around, slamming things, calling me names, cursing at me, etc. There's no way to have any kind of conversation with this man, in a rational, sane way, if he feels hurt or rejected in any way.
I realize, it's another way of manipulating and coercing me to back down and relent
You got it. It's up to you whether you allow/enable these tactics or shut them down.
Its so easy for those on the outside to say, just leave him. Or just lock him out. But it's not that simple.
Sister, I KNOW this. I was in your shoes. Looking back, the BEST thing I could have done was draw a boundary and lock him out or leave him so he could understand his road of abuse had come to an end. Had I done that my marriage might have been saved. Instead, I was too paralyzed with fright to take this option, my xH was never motivated to change and ultimately our marriage had to end.
If I could go back to redo one thing in my life, it would have been to lock my husband out after one of his frightful tantrums, early on. If that happened after every tantrum he'd stop throwing them.
If I locked him out... treating him with such disrespect, after 20 years of marriage,
Well HE certainly doesn't worry about respecting you. He browbeats, abuses and dominates you under the
pretext of godliness.
I imagine him going balistic and probably doing harm to a door or window to get in.
Call the cops if this happens.
he reacts terribly, whenever he feels the slightest hurt.
I call BS on this. He reacts terribly whenever
he doesn't get his way. He pretends "hurt" but it's really just a temper tantrum.
has never learned, how to handle it and control his temper.
Unfortunate for him, but you don't have to be subject to this. He can act like a decent man or he can throw a temper tantrum by himself. Some Motel 6 therapy is just the thing he needs.
But do I think he'll break some thing or do damage to some thing? Yes. His verbal tirade is enough to scare me. And sure I could call the cops and report him, yadda yadda, but the very idea of that chaos, is what is keeping me from pulling the lever.
As you said: "I realize, it's another
way of manipulating and coercing me to back down and relent"
wondering what's worse, his random abuse or the absolute chaos that would ensue, if I left him or locked him out?
The random, persistent and controlling abuse will last for the rest of your life. The absolute chaos would run itself out shortly. After having once chosen 25 years of abuse, if I could do it over again, I'd chose the chaos.
he has been trying harder to make changes and do better.
He says this ^^ but yet the statement below belies his change. It is just temporary until he senses he's out of the woods and can go back to being who he is.
wherein he uses the Bible and scripture out of context, in order to push this "headship" he deems to have.
You can say "Dear Husband, I cannot agree with your interpretation here. From now on, I need a marriage of mutual and extraordinary care of each other. If you don't want to give and receive this, that's up to you, but I will settle for nothing less."
He won't go to therapy unless it's an SSPX Catholic priest doing the therapy (eye roll here). I feel that is unfair to me...since I question whether a Priest would truly understand the dynamics of "marriage" and the life issues spouses deal with, when they've never been married themselves. But even though I'm still willing to go to one, it doesn't matter, when there isn't anyone at his church who has availability to "counsel" us. And, he refuses to go to anyone at MY church, because..."heretics" and all. Nor will he agree to anyone outside his church, who happens to be Christian.
Well, this may have saved you a lot of heartache. I'm sad to say but my experience is that much church based marital counseling protects the perpetrator at the expense of the victim. You know that cycle well. You, too, have protected the perpetrator at your expense. The perpetrators are bullies, and are often charismatic enough that they charm pastors into siding with them or the pastor will have a price to pay. SOME pastors are great, but so many are not that I've found as a whole, more harm has been done than good by referring someone to their pastor.
Hence why I come here for advice and counsel, because I'm sitting here thinking, this is crazy.
Yes, it is crazy. You can see that. You have been posting here for a long time without daring to effect any change. In fact, the situation seems to be deteriorating. Now you're being controlled into ceding all of the children to his faith when before at least they were allowed to participate with yours. Further, his labeling of you as a heretic is unconscionable. The definition of "heretic" is a divider, and he is being the divider.
I've always believed marriage to be a team, a partnership, working together for the Glory of God...lifting each other up, serving each other, putting their happiness above ours, etc.
Yes, this is possible. It would be a joy filled marriage. I have a marriage like that today.
And I try very hard to live that out...but meanwhile, I feel like he takes advantage of me and I feel he does more taking, than giving, in our marriage.
When one person's taker (perpetrator) coerces the other person's giver, the coerced person eventually falls out of love with the perpetrator.
The Giver & Taker (Marriage Builders®, Inc.)
The Policy of Joint Agreement (Marriage Builders®, Inc.)
And I wish I could get him to see the many things all of you have said on here about "headship" and "submission", without getting into an argument, because he always thinks HE is right and his church's interpretation is right...and us "protestants" are the ones who cherry pick scriptures.
Making a judgement on the other person's beliefs is disrespectful. It's a way to coerce them into giving the perpetrator his way. The anatomy of a temper tantrum is usually like this:
Normal behavior of an abuser:
--makes a selfish demand
--throws disrespectful judgements at the person who doesn't give in to the selfish demand
--anger outbursts follow when disrespect still didn't give the perpetrator his/her way
A progression that indicates HIGH likelihood of danger (not the "typical' abusers but in w very dangerous category of abusers)
--throwing things/violence to expand the anger outbursts
- puts his/her hands on the person to emphasize their demands
--hits the other person
--badly injures or kills the other person
IF your husband has progressed passed the normal categories, he is capable of going the full distance. Many women have lost their lives when their husband would "only" throw things and suddenly his next escalation was to kill her. If he's in this category, you need to be aware that taking action to stick up for yourself could get you killed, and plan carefully, accordingly.
I'd recommend you post for step by step assistance in the forums at marriagebuilders.com. Their methodology and assistance will be in support of the advice I gave you here. Generally you'll tell your husband of the changes you need from him and give him two weeks of "Plan A" behavior - being the best wife you know how to be while you await him to make these changes. At the end of two weeks, if he has shown he is not interested in stepping up to be a good husband, you lock him out (or leave him) with a note that says "I love you very much and want to be married to you for the rest of my life, but I can't continue to be treated like this ... etc etc etc." The note will lay out the conditions for his return.
I can't remember the specifics of whether he has laid hands on you, but if he has, it is usually best to skip the 2 weeks and go straight to the note and the locks.
