Darkness.....

[Pilgrim2]

I have suffered from depression for the last 10 years, I am just walking through life trying to keep my head above the water.

I can't talk to anyone about it (no one understands it unless they have experienced it) but the effects of it impacts my life and the people around me.

I can't get excited about the normal things other people do, I don't feel like socializing and this is taken as being not friendly or as backward. I let things slide because it is not important to me to push my point of view, or express what I really feel.

It is not what God would have me be.

 

[Everlasting33]

Sorry to hear you have been suffering...for I understand since I have struggled with depression since childhood.

Depression is exhausting, frustrating, and it can make you feel inadequate...not feeling like you do anything right or that you hurt so many people. It's a lonely disease.

Here are some things that have helped me

Exercise
Engaging my senses (music, massage, aromatherapy, laughter, watching comedy)
Having a support system
Therapy
Self help books
Acknowledging that suffering is optional
Taking responsibility in my pain but also requiring self-compassion, gentleness and patience.
Forcing myself to hang out with friends/family
Praying to God for the grace to love and accept myself
Helping others
Reading the Bible
Last but not least, spending time with animals

 

[Problematique Destiny]

Talking to somewhat about it is definitely what you need.
You say you can't talk to anyone about it because not many people have experienced it? This forum might be that one thing you need... We are all experienced in different ways, and we have all been through different things.
If you wouldn't mind... Could you tell us what happened 10 years ago?

 

[myanchor]

All those things SteelerBred said are very, very good. But if your depression is intractable, meaning you still can't shake it and it still interrupts your life, then it is time to talk to your doctor and get a referral to a specialist. Your specialist, the psychiatrist is there to help you manage your depression with medication and to help you find the one that works for you. If you are nearsighted do you not need glasses, if you are a diabetic, do you not need insulin? So to may you need medicine.

 

[Pilgrim2]

Thanks for all the understanding and suggestions here.

Problematique Destiny ask what had happened ten years ago, and I would like to share.

It began with the sudden death of my dad who was a very much loved and the "go to guy" when the family needed anything, I trusted and loved him so much, and there was such a vacuum when he passed. I had a unplanned pregnancy at 40, he is very much a blessing, but he was diagnosed with autism this has been such a challenge to see he gets what he needs. My oldest son which has all the ability to be anything he would like to be, looks, very intelligent, he had the whole package, but chose to go down the road of drug addiction.

It has torn our hearts and the family apart, I can,t begin to express the pain we have suffered with all this, I have now lost my mother also after a long and stressful illness.

I have a good husband, but very stoic, so not much conversation about how I feel.

I have talked to therapist and it did help, but costly and I had to discontinue my visits.

I know we all have problems, and thank you for listening to some of mine.

 

[Winter]

Dear Pilgrim,

It seems like you still carry alot of pain in your heart. And I imagine that the pain is such a heavy weight for you - its weighing you down. You are still mourning the painful events in your life. Letting go of the pain and saying goodbye to it is a big challenge. But the Lord has many doors for us to open. Sometimes its such a long journey to walk to a door and open it .. sometime we are afraid of the journey or what's behind the door, so we stay stuck in our current state of pain.

One day you will be able to open another door ... the most important thing to remember is that the Lord has them there for you. And He will never leave your side.

Praying for you ...

 

[myanchor]

Do you have any ladies in your church that you have a bible study with that you can talk to?

 

[Pilgrim2]

Thank you Winter for that observation that is so much on target, I do need to open another door and leave some things behind.

And to Myanchor, I do have a women's bible study, but unfortunately I don't have the confidence right now to share much of this with them, I have issues about trust. I have confided in my pastor's wife and she understands because she has had some similar events in her life.

Thanks for all your kindness and encouragement.

 

[Criada]

Praying for you, sister.
That is a lot to deal with
Look after yourself, give yourself permission to feel.. you say 'it is not what God would have you be'... and that is true, because God doesn't want any of us to be ill. But we live in a fallen world, and disease and illness are realities. It isn't your fault that you are depressed... you can do things to help yourself recover, but don't feel guilty about being ill.
Remember you are very precious to God!

It helps me at the bad times to set little goals for the day.... even if you are at the stage where getting up and dressed is a major achievement. Give yourself chances to feel positive

 

[myanchor]

Well, then, since your pastor's wife has experienced it too, you and she are a ready made support group right there. Way too often, we people in the pews don't think those uber-christians (out pastor and family) have any problems. But they are human with human frailties. You just have to get past the wall of caution they have, sounds like you have. So you two can lean on one another.

 

[JoshSHill]

Hi there, any of what comes next may be dealt with, unhelpful or not right for the situation. I hope that isn't the case though.

You said that 'it is not what God would have you be'. Criada is right that it's not what God would have us be. But another thing to think about is that it isn't un-Christian-y to be depressed. It doesn't comment on our level of faith or commitment to God. So maybe from an Eden point of view, it's not what God would have for us. But on the flip side, God isn't upset that you have depression. He's sad for you. He wants to help you. Like the Footprints poem says, He wants to carry you.

Two other things;

- Your husband. I'm only young, but one thing I know is that people ARE able to change when someone they love is hurting. So, not only tell him what your problems are, but ask him to help you. Be honest about EVERYTHING; not just the stuff you're facing, but what you would like and need from him.

- Talk to someone. It doesn't have to be a costly psychiatrist. I know in my neck of the woods (Australia) there are Christian/church based counselors. They are trained in listening, and helping. They aren't the ones who give you the meds. They're the ones who can help you work through the issues; they're the ones who are so smart that, with one session, they realize that you're actually upset about your cat/whale/job/house/etc, and then help you work through it.

Just some thoughts. I hope some of it was help.

 

[Pilgrim2]

You all are so kind and wise.

I have been thinking about going to a christian counselor that my pastor's wife said she could recommend.

I think I will be more open with my husband, I want support from him so much but I don't want to pull him down with me.

You all are a great group.

Thanks.

 

[JoshSHill]

Opening up to your husband is not intrinsically linked to pulling him down. You said he was stoic? Sounds like he's going to be able to cope. Open up, let him know you need his thoughts and prayers and hugs.

But seeing a counselor is something that I think most of us with depression should be doing. If not for trying to solve it, then for working up ideas as to how to deal with it and manage it.

 

[myanchor]

You are going to share with your husband? That makes me want to dance, dance,dance with you and hug you hard enough you couldn't breathe!

My DW finally opened up with some things with me and the deeper understanding I gained of her, made me know even more, how special she is.

JoshSHill, where have you been for so long? You are GOOD! Hie yourself over to the survivor's forums to. You can be of use there too.