Daily Cheer... (5)

[davedajobauk]

ADDENDUM TO AN EMAIL
¬v

Probably the worst one I have ever sent. I disown all responsibility





Prawns...


Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two
prawns were swimming around in the sea

One called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and
threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up
with being a prawn;
I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries
about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is
granted"

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.



Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of
being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does)
and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came
close to them.
Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance
was the cause of his sad plight.


While swimming alone one day
he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought
perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a
prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back,
and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.



With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam
back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.



(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail -
it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he
couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend
changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain
and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding
back.

He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin,
your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me.
You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked
into being your dinner."

Justin cried back
"No, I'm not. That was the old me.
I've changed.".........



(You're going to love this...)




(Scroll Down.)



















"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian".

 

[davedajobauk]

>
>HOW TRUE THIS IS!!!!
>
LOL
>
>SPECIAL POEM FOR SENIOR CITIZENS!!
>
>A row of bottles on my shelf
>Caused me to analyze myself.
>One yellow pill I have to pop
>Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
>A little white one that I take
>Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
>The blue ones that I use a lot
>Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
>The purple pill goes to my brain
>And tells me that I have no pain.
>The capsules tell me not to wheeze
>Or cough or choke or even sneeze.
>The red ones, smallest of them all
>Go to my blood so I won't fall.
>The orange ones, very big and bright
>Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
>Such an array of brilliant pills
>Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
>But what I'd really like to know...........
>Is what tells each one where to go!
>
>There's always a lot to be thankful for if
>you take time to look for it. For example
>I am sitting here thinking how nice it is
>that wrinkles don't hurt...
>
>____________________

 

[davedajobauk]

...

Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency,
was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients
when she ran out of gas.
As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.

The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been lent
out, but she could wait until it was returned.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait
and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas
and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station
filled it with gas and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank
two men watched from across the street.
One of the them turned to the other and said
"If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."


>hope you like this

 

[davedajobauk]

POOR BOB



It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older
it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping
as when they were younger.
When you notice this, try not to yell at them.
Some are oversensitive,
and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Bob.
Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Debbie.
When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary
for Debbie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job
both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says
she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.
I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club
so eating out is not reasonable.
I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now
it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening
that they won't clean themselves.
I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her
to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.
For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time
to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.
But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.
I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days.
That way she won't have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any
(if you know what I mean).
I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.

I try not to make a scene.
I'm a fair man.
I tell her to fix Herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade
and just sit for a while.
And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Debbie.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.

Many men will find it difficult.
Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do
how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact
and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article,
I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.

After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.....

Signed,

Bob

__

 

[davedajobauk]

CATS, LIVE HERE

 

[davedajobauk]

Absolutely Crabulous

More Below ¬v​

 

[davedajobauk]

-

- -

- - -

​

 

[rebornfree]

I loved the Bob and Debbie one, Dave, and ROFL at the King Tut dating match!

 

[davedajobauk]

I am a 'dab-hand' at pots and utensils washing, of-course



your Bro'

dave

 

[davedajobauk]

Here are some funnies, first posted way back in late 2005
by SoBlessed

#1
Bicycling Uphill -----------------
Panting and sweating, two men on a tandem bicycle finally made it to the top of a steep hill.

"That was a tough climb," said the front rider.

"Sure was," replied the second.
"And if I hadn't kept the brake on, we would have slid down backward."


#2
MY FORGETTER!

My forgetter's getting better
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke
For when I'm "here" I'm wondering If I really should be "there"
And, when I try to think it through, I haven't got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room, Say "what am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain a zero, is my score.
At times I put something away Where it is safe,
but, Gee! The person it is safest from Is, generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone, Say "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away I ask myself, "who was that?"
Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy And that isn't any joke.

 

[davedajobauk]

We PLAY with a mouse each time we 'use' our computer
How would you use your keyboard, with one of these onboard ?

Nowhere is safe !!

Sittez vous ?

Mind ! where, you sit

Beware !! When using these Porta-Pottys

Do people like this have a 'named-type' ?

 

[davedajobauk]

-

-

-

-

-

-

 

[davedajobauk]

and

 

[davedajobauk]

 

[davedajobauk]

This news item on MSN really tickled my funny bone
I am surprised they did not bring hammers and chisels
It really must be a tough clean-up operation, for them

if, they cannot manage with local materials


http://www.msn.com/en-gb/news/world...let-rolls-on-trip-to-uk/ar-AAf2V9g?li=AA9SkIr

 

[davedajobauk]

Reposted from 2014

CONGRATULATIONS
TO ALL BORN IN 1930's, 1940's, 50's, 60's, 70's and Early 80's !!!

First, you survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank
while they carried us. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a tin,
and didn't get tested for diabetes. Then after that trauma, your baby cots
were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
You had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets
and when you rode your bikes, you had no helmets, not to mention,
the risks you took hitchhiking ..
As children, you would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a van - loose - was always great fun.
You drank water from the garden hosepipe and NOT from a bottle.
You shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
You ate cakes, white bread and real butter and drank pop with sugar in it,
but you weren't overweight because......
YOU WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
You would leave home in the morning and play all day,
as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach you all day. And you were OK.
You would spend hours building your go-carts out of scraps
and then ride down the hill, only to find out you forgot the brakes.
After running into the bushes a few times, you learned to solve the problem .
You did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all,
no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound,
no mobile phones, no text messaging, no personal computers,
no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........
YOU HAD FRIENDS
and you went outside and found them!
You fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth
and there were no lawsuits from these accidents
you played with worms(well most boys did)
and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
You made up games with sticks and tennis balls
and although you were told it would happen, you did not poke out any eyes.
You rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door
or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
Local teams had tryouts and not everyone made the team.
Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.
Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing you out if you broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. You had freedom, failure, success and responsibility,
and you learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!
And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids,
before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
And while you are at it, forward it to your kids
so they will know how brave their parents were.​

 

[davedajobauk]

Here, is another good one

http://www.christianforums.com/threads/daily-cheer-5.7801886/page-5#post-65224739

 

[davedajobauk]

​

 

[davedajobauk]

,,

 

[davedajobauk]

SAY... C H E E S E

"What was in those pods" ?

"Make way, I'm coming-through"

"I C wot UC "

"It's in there somewhere, I felt it move"

Gib Bon Nureyev

"Oh gosh, don't you wash " ?

"Two-Minds, require a strong neck"

"You could have knocked me down with a fly swatter"

"Mind, if I pop in for 'a chat' " ?

"Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting"

"Falling outa bed is rough man"