Confusion has beset me

[ark_angel]

Things are just so hard, but yet weird.
I look in the mirror and all I see is this fat person, it doesn't seem like I have lost any weight, but yet all my clothes are too big, and my belts are too big, and the belts that didn't used to fit at all can fit. But yet I don't see any difference.
I don't know how long it has been since I have eaten and kept my food down, it was just I never ate, but then times came where I had to or my mom would figure it out. Then came the next bad decision of not keeping my food down when I have to eat. I notice some differences in me, today for example I noticed my hands are like sooooooooo dry. My whole body aches, it's like every time I move I get a shock of pain somewhere. My back is always killing me, my arms hurt and feel so tired, I can just touch my arm and feel pain.
I know to get rid of all this painful stuff I need to eat, but I can't bring myself to it, I feel awful and fat if I do it.

I am trying to lose weight but it just doesn't seem like I am, I so badly want to weigh myself, but we don't have a scale. I guess it is possible that I have lost weight, but I just don't see it, all my clothes prove that I have, but I just don't see it.

I don't know............

 

[BlackRain]

if your clothes are too big, you've lost weight, girl. don't let yourself deceive your eyes. what your mind is telling you isn't right. talk to the Lord about this. it's simple: clothes that have gotten big and clothes didn't use to fit, but do now = weight loss. and please eat something. your body needs it desperately!

 

[reeann]

trying to deal with an eating disorder alone = repeating cycle. You really need to get the special support, and cannot do this alone. This is a lie we tell ourselves. You are worth it, God says so, even if you don't feel your worth the help.

 

[Celtic Camel]

Dear gorgeous daughter of God!!!
I feel kinda hypocritical writing this, and it makes it even harder knowing that during this year I am rarely around to offer support, because I am in a place of treatment & healing myself....
I know that healing is possibly and only available in God.... yes, I am still struggling, but God's been so good.
My only advice, seek help!! God knows you and loves you, and hates seeing you in the pain that you find yourself wresting with...
I will be praying for you...
If you want to pm me, feel free, but I am only near my computer for another 36 hours or so, until I go away again for another month or so....
if I don't get a chance to reply this time, I will write again in August...
hang in there... don't allow fear to stop you getting the help God wants you to get!!!

Love and prayers always,
Leafy

 

[luv4godremains]

I also feel hypicritical writing this, but seeking help is the only way to go, I agree with going alone doesn't work, it only ever made me worse! it makes people give up, and just gets worse and lets the cycle repeat itself!
I hope you get better and find the courage and strength to get help and I'll keep praying for you, PM me anytime! I mean it, about anything! I'll keep praying and do the best to help! if ya ever need anything, someone to listen or whatever!
God bless hun

 

[ark_angel]

it's just hard, I don't know who to trust for help, and I feel ashamed if i ask, so I mean, I dunno, it's just all so confusing.
Thank you guys so much

 

[luv4godremains]

have you got a friend that you could maybe go see your doctor or someone with?

 

[ark_angel]

I dunno, I have a mentor now, but she doesn't know about it yet, the only one that does is my counselor, except he doesn't know everything, he doesn't know that I don't keep food down, he just knows that I never eat. Other than that no one knows about my eating disorder, right now at least, I hope no one notices. Next week I am camping with my dad, sister and step mom, I hope none of them find out, right now I so don't want to go camping cause I know I will have to eat, and I will probably have to kee it down, I am not looking forward to it at all. Plus, we are going to the beach, and because of my past S.I. ing, I really really don't want to put on a bathingsuit, I wish we weren't camping at a beach, but that we are, but at least, since I work at the beach store, I won't have to drive to work, but I might actually have to eat my lunch.......
I don't know, if I told my friend about my E.D. she would probably get really worried and I don't want to cause that upon her, or anyone I know.....so going to the doctor, well probably won't be happining anytime soon. I just don't know what to do anymore, all I know is that my back and neck are killing me, every little move, I can hardle bend over it is so painful. But anywayz, all your guys' prayers are greatly appreciated

 

[ark_angel]

oh, and all of you that said you were feelin hypricritical, no worries, I know the feelin, sometimes it is easier to give the advice than to actually do the actions....I know, I have done the same things, as they say easier said than done, right....

 

[luv4godremains]

I know it's hard, I never went to the doctors, but I needed to. please try to be careful angel, I'll keep praying for you! I hope you get better soon, but you can't do this on you own, I know you don't wanna hurt or scare anyone, but I'm sure they would be worried more than hurt, and scared, well, maybe you need someone to be to be able to get better!?
sorry
God bless
*hugs*
xXx

 

[ark_angel]

thanks........I just have to ask for ya'll to keep praying for me, cause right now I need it more than ever.thanks........God bless

 

[Keith 910]

Mercy Ministries of America (mercyministries.org).

 

[blessedmomof5]

Keith, that place sounds like the perfect place to get help....now if the Lord would send them to New York, it would be a Blessing. thanks for that info i Pray someone uses it...

Denise

 

[ark_angel]

guys I just don't know what to do....I went camping this past week, and my dad was there and he was telling me how I needed to gain weight, and others joined in, and all kinds of people kept telling me all these foods that I should eat to gain weight, I could hardly stand it....
I mean I don't think I need to gain any weight, I think I am fat if I eat, I feel horrible when I eat, that's why when I was camping I had to dispose of the food after I ate, there were only like 2 times that I didn't get to... but I mean I am not that bad am I, I don't know how much I weigh right now, but I think I weigh less then from when I was in the hospital, which was 105. I went from a size 7 pants to like a 3.....I dunno.....I am a mess

 

[blessedmomof5]

do you mind if i ask if you are in any form of therapy?

trust me i know about feeling fat....... but it will go away, you ad i both know it will, you are bloated...overstuffed most likely because it has been the most you have eaten in a while,
And do you know what you are not Bad its the ed that is,,,,, it just takes control, and won't let go unless you find help.....that means even if you don't want it...but i believe you do........ i am here if you ever need to talk.....
not that i am one to talk, but i am a good listener......
Denise

 

[ark_angel]

yea, I have a counselor, in fact I will be seeing him tomorrow, he knows about my anorexia, but has no clue about my bulemia...he is the main reason I was put in the hospital, well I guess I am the main reason I was put in the hospital, but anywayz..
yea I have my counselor and I am also going to have a mentor, whom I just met and have not done anything with her yet, and so of course she doesn't know either......it's just all so complicated

 

[blessedmomof5]

Ark angel,
does you counsleor specialize in ED? i was seeing a therapist that did not, and all we did was she would ay you have to eat and i would say i know.....where did that get me? absoluetly nowhere.....
If you ever need an ear i am here, you may PM me, post it whatever, but i am here to listen.........May Gods Grace be overshadowing you.
Denise

 

[luv4godremains]

ark_angel,
you can't try to just tackle the syptoms, you have to speak to your councellor and try to find the root of it, I know it's hard and I know it's a long road, I sometimes end up giving up! but I know that you will only go in circles if you just deal with the syptoms! there is a problem that causes this, please, try to find out what it is and work through it!
PM me anytime, you know you can! I really hope things get better and I will always continue to pray for you! God bless, keep your eyes on God, he will get you through this, no one else! I know you can do this!
God bless

 

[rainonme]

guys I just don't know what to do....I went camping this past week, and my dad was there and he was telling me how I needed to gain weight, and others joined in, and all kinds of people kept telling me all these foods that I should eat to gain weight, I could hardly stand it....
I mean I don't think I need to gain any weight, I think I am fat if I eat, I feel horrible when I eat, that's why when I was camping I had to dispose of the food after I ate, there were only like 2 times that I didn't get to... but I mean I am not that bad am I, I don't know how much I weigh right now, but I think I weigh less then from when I was in the hospital, which was 105. I went from a size 7 pants to like a 3.....I dunno.....I am a mess

you know i dont know your bone structure or height or anything..but from what you said up there you are anything but fat. dont let your eyes decieve you and tell you you are. in society today there are all these tall stickfigure models that girls look up to and want to look like but its so unhealthy. i used to think like that and tried the things youre going through. my mom started to figure it out even though i denied it because at first it was self concience and i didnt even realize i was doing it. when my mom was in highschool she weighed 80 lbs her senior year because of all she went through. for her senior pictures they had to go in and fix her eyes because they were blood shot from what she was doing to herself. so please try and talk to someone and ill be praying for you!

 

[MaryBurwell]

Bulemia is the worst thing you can do. It makes your breath stink and it ruins your voice. Don't you want to get married some day? It would be extremely upsetting to you if you let bulemia control you to the point of making your voice raspy. Your body does away with 1,500 calories a day. You can eat that many calories every day without gaining weight. The only way you can possibly gain weight is to eat more calories than that. You don't have to eat everything. Just eat something. Don't throw up. Wouln't you rather get attention from people for something other than anorexia? Anorexia is an obsession with food. Food does not have that much power. It takes a LONG TIME to gain weight even if you are trying to gain weight. Eating does not make you gain weight. It stabilizes your weight. Throwing up is bad. Don't throw up. Your body is the temple of God. Throwing up seriously destroys your voice over time. Also, you are a kid, this is when you are supposed to be dating and having fun. Anorexia is a form of rebellion. Earn to listen to people. Trust people. I'm sure you want something new. Your friends and family are worried sick about you. They don't know what to do. Try to find something good about food. Food is not the enemy.