Cohabitation Question

[Benedicta00]

That was Christ's voice that told me my wife and I should contracept and continue to recieve the Eucharist?

Nope. go back and read the thread so you can be on par with us.

what I said was, let's HOPE the advice they give will be biased.

It was said the priest would only give biased advice, well let's hope he does becuase that means he is doing his job.

 

[Miss Shelby]

that your perception of what Cecilia wants is very different from what Cecilia really wants.

Fantine:

Cecilia indicated with her OP and in other posts she's grown in her faith and so she wants the people who've made 'awesome posts' to give her some advice.

Then you go on to say that she 'might not be ready' to face anyone with this, so going to a priest is a bad idea. (though she's indicated she's grown in her faith and wants to continue)

You know what I clued in on right after coming to the thread? That cecilia still has almost a year to make this decision and once she realized she let that cat out of the bag she took back that she said she'd 'arrived at a decision to embark on a fun adventure'.

Did you, with all of your wise, in tune perception happen to catch that?

Perhaps the girl IS confused and she's seeking guidance. And if that's the case, then discouraging her from going to a priest who knows her instead of a bunch of web addicted folks who don't--is BAD advice.

 

[MrsJohnDay]

First some history...

my parents and I get along great, until we have to live in the same house. Our views are very different (my dad is a staunch Presbyterian and my mom is a lapse Catholic). I am looking into finding my own place next summer so I can work on keeping my sanity and the growth that I built up in my faith during the school year which I tend to lose over the summer. I have been looking for a place to stay but with just a summer job (even two) I could not afford monthly rent.

Now to the question...

My guy friend is buying a house. The one he is looking at is a three bedroom, 2 bath. Knowing my situation (he is not Catholic), he asked if I would want to stay with him and his friend in this new house. I insisted I would only stay if I could have my own bedroom which would be private at all times and preferably my own bath, to keep things private. In my view of cohabitation, this would be ok because my living quarters would be private.

My question is, is my thinking accurate? I hope that it is. This would be a perfect solution. I would still attend Mass regularly, have a job, and keep in touch with my family (hopefully repairing relationships that have been torn over the years). As a plus, the guys have agreed to attend Mass with me, even with neither of them being Catholic.

Before I joined Mr. Day as his wife I lived with a divorced gentleman so I could help him with his children. I made a little money and had no rent to pay and I had a chaperone and I learned many skills that help me keep Mr. Day’s home as it should be. I do not see what’s bad about living with a man as long as abstinence and chastity is kept and you continue to commune with The Lord. Many young ladies of my church keep living company with men and I feel it is a decent thing to do when done responsibly with only eyes for the Lord.

 

[Fantine]

In the first place, I don't believe that "growing in the faith" and "becoming more conservative" are synonymous.

I also don't believe that "growing in the faith" and "relying only on the advice of priests" is synonymous.

Many priests are excellent counselors. Many aren't. Some may be excellent counselors for some people but not for others.

Cecilia should talk to someone with good counseling skills with whom she has a good rapport--that could be a priest, a sister, or a layperson.

Every situation we live in is an opportunity for growth--personal, spiritual, and emotional.

I can just relay, from my own experience as a parent of young adults, that coed houseshare arrangements were not "soul strippers" and actually facilitated growth and maturity.

 

[Miss Shelby]

In the first place, I don't believe that "growing in the faith" and "becoming more conservative" are synonymous.

I know you don't. But then again, given that you equate being 'conservative' to being a religious fanatic, I suppose this shouldn't surprise me.

 

[helenofbritain]

Cecilia,

If you're looking for opinions, you've certainly come to the right place. Allow me to sum up:

House sharing can work well, but all the housemates need to have CLEAR RULES on everything from housework to bills to "sleepovers" to minimum clothing levels.

Housesharing can go belly-up if the people you are sharing with are not trustworthy.

Your mate will be your landlord. Do you have a backup plan if you have an irreconcilable fight?

Some people will think and will say that "something" MUST be going on between guys and girls living in the same house. be prepared for this.

You could get a job as a live-in carer for someone as an alternative.

You could go and see the student housing people at your uni (I assume they have these in the US) who exist to help students find somewhere appropriate to live.

You have a year. You could make some girl friends in a year, and live with them.

You have a year. You could get a job and save a lot of money so that if any of the living situations you choose don't work out, you won't be destitute.

Go and see the chaplain of the uni. If any particular priest s going to have experience dealing with your kind of situation, it will be him. Be honest, and be open to what he says.

Do you have any rellies who are more understanding than your parents? Could you live with them?

Does your diocese have supported living for Catholic students anywhere? (IE, students who are Catholic, not students at a Catholic uni). That was just introduced here and it's working really well.

Do you know how to budget? You have a year. Learn.

Do you know how to cook? You have a year. Learn.

Do you know how to clean a bathroom? You have a year. Learn.

Have you prayed about this? God knows what the best plan for you will be - ask Him to reveal His will to you. Pray to St Anthony-who-find-things that you will find the right place to live at the right time.

As salaam alaikum!
HofB

 

[Filia Mariae]

If I was Cecilia, I think I would have checked out about 37 posts ago....

 

[helenofbritain]

If I was Cecilia, I think I would have checked out about 37 posts ago....

I know But still...

 

[Miss Shelby]

You know helen-- the first post you made in this thread encouraged her to go ahead and cohabitate.

that's one thing your summary did not include.

You told her to go ahead and do it, but if something suddenly turned romantic--

GET OUT

an option she would not have because the only reason she chose the co habitation option was because she HAD no other option.

And then you come back along and make a nice little list.

The best I can see from it being one of the very last lines.

I don't recommend she learn all of the lessons you listed the hard way. (because the way you have suggested is going to lead to an inevitably HARDER way)

I'm not sure you're the best person to be giving advise in this area.

Michelle

 

[Benedicta00]

I think it needs to be pointed out, giving advice is one thing, there are pros and cons to this. It is a good thing to hear all the feedback.

The question as I understood it was what does the Church say/think? Is it okay in the eyes of her faith?

With that said, I don't believe, think this is something her faith would feel is best, that is why she needs to ask a priest, if she is trying to obey the Church.

If not, the all the advice given, consider it all. It's a buyer beware world out there, nothing is guaranteed.

 

[Benedicta00]

You know helen-- the first post you made in this thread encouraged her to go ahead and cohabitate.

that's one thing your summary did not include.

You told her to go ahead and do it, but if something suddenly turned romantic--

GET OUT

an option she would not have because the only reason she chose the co habitation option was because she HAD no other option.

And then you come back along and make a nice little list.

The best I can see from it being one of the very last lines.

I don't recommend she learn all of the lessons you listed the hard way. (because the way you have suggested is going to lead to an inevitably HARDER way)

I'm not sure you're the best person to be giving advise in this area.

Michelle

That's the thing, everyone wants to say "go for it", becuase face it, it's not really 'real life' for them.

but if it doesn't work out, if the two guys turn out to be not good roommates, or if it turns out to be a really bad scene, then what? What's this girl going to do?

 

[CrusaderKing]

but if it doesn't work out, if the two guys turn out to be not good roommates, or if it turns out to be a really bad scene, then what? What's this girl going to do?

Wait until she can move out. She's a big girl now.

 

[helenofbritain]

You know helen-- the first post you made in this thread encouraged her to go ahead and cohabitate.

Actually, I said:

If he's just a mate, you're not "cohabiting" in the de facto sense of the word - you're housemates. Very different. Just make sure you all set boundaries about bathroom etiquette, no-nakedness-outside-privacy-of-own-room-or-bathroom-towels-count-as-naked and you will be fine. If for whatever reason you happen to fall in love with either of your housemates (or even just get a crush) then I'd be prepared to move out ASAP.

Good luck.

Didn't say do it, didn't say don't do it. I correctly defined a word, and pointed out some things she'd need to consider.

It could be argued that by not saying "DON'T DO IT" I gave tacit approval, but that's your take. Not knowing Cecilia personally, I reserve my opinion. I have Catholic friends who could share a house forever and nothing terrible would happen. I have other Catholic friends who I would talk out of it immediately. Horses for courses.

GET OUT

an option she would not have because the only reason she chose the co habitation option was because she HAD no other option.

There are always options. By the time she would hypothetically have had time to fall for her friend, she would have had time to make other friends at uni. And the other friends would not mind her sofa surfing for a bit while she found a new place. I mean, really.

I'm not sure you're the best person to be giving advise in this area.

Why not? What disqualifies me?

 

[Benedicta00]

Wait until she can move out. She's a big girl now.

and if she gets thrown out?

it's not her house, it is someone else's.

 

[helenofbritain]

and if she gets thrown out?

it's not her house, it is someone else's.

Even if she were sharing a house with two other girls, that would be a consideration. That's a risk everybody takes when they house share. It doesn't usually end in tears.

 

[Benedicta00]

Even if she were sharing a house with two other girls, that would be a consideration. That's a risk everybody takes when they house share. It doesn't usually end in tears.

Right they don't always but they often do.

I'm just wondering why now is everyone wanting to give it to her straight up?

Look, at the beginning of this thread... "go for it", "it sounds great" etc, etc.

no one bothered to clue this girl in on how these situations often more times then not, turn out bad.

 

[Assisi]

The questions seemed to be phrased as a moral question though...and most people seem to be saying there is no moral objection here.

If she wants to move out of home, and she can't afford to live on her own, she's going to be housesharing. And the 'bad situations' can be good opportunities for growth.

 

[Miss Shelby]

Even if she were sharing a house with two other girls, that would be a consideration. That's a risk everybody takes when they house share. It doesn't usually end in tears.

Oh brother.

What she was originally asking was whether it would be appropriate for her to share living quarters with a bunch of guys as long as she insisted on her own bathing quarters and her own bedroom.

And the majority of posters, including YOU helen, said it would be just fine.

 

[mikki]

Unfortuately I have not been able to take the time to read all the replies to the OP (excellent topic BTW!), but of the first 3 pages I've read, I agree with Legend's posts. My son is only 6, but I pray by the time he is old enough to make a decision like this one, he will decide to live with other young men. He should not learn how to live on a day to day basis with a woman outside of his own family until after his wedding day. Amen.

 

[Fantine]

Unfortuately I have not been able to take the time to read all the replies to the OP (excellent topic BTW!), but of the first 3 pages I've read, I agree with Legend's posts. My son is only 6, but I pray by the time he is old enough to make a decision like this one, he will decide to live with other young men. He should not learn how to live on a day to day basis with a woman outside of his own family until after his wedding day. Amen.

When my first son did a house share with two other people, we were in the process of moving 550 miles away to another state after a lengthy period of unemployment for my husband.

Oldest son (20) said, "I'm sorry, but I can't go with you. My life is here. And don't worry, I'll finish college."

He worked at a restaurant. He shared a house with 2 other employees. The female was 30.

Was I glad that he chose to share a house with someone who was mature and sensible who could show him the ropes about living independently, and who, with the other housemate, had established chore charts, etc.?

Absolutely.

It saved me many, many sleepless nights....

She was a surrogate big sister, God bless her.

Good housemates come in all genders. I had met his and knew that he would be in a good situation.

Perhaps the fairest thing to say is that, since we don't know the particulars of Cecilia's situation, none of us can say for certain whether it would be good or bad, but that the answer as to whether it is a good decision or not depends on those particulars.

If there are people who are scandalized by what she knows are platonic living arrangements, then the sin is theirs, not Cecilia's (particularly if they spread the "scandal.") Maybe they need to readjust their scandal meters to allow for knowledge of the facts before jumps to inaccurate conclusions.