Cohabitation Question

[Miss Shelby]

Maybe you should seek the opinion of a priest or spiritual advisor?

 

[Fantine]

I think one difference between my generation (baby boomer) and the younger generation is that my generation got married earlier. I got married at 21.

Today, the average age of marriage is, I believe, about 26 for women and 27 for men. Educational demands and the high cost of housing are probably two reasons.

But there is still a yearning for independence.

Now, is it better for a nineteen year-old to get an apartment of her own, or to share an apartment with others, some of whom may have already been on their own who are able to help show her the ropes about bill paying and home maintenance and other things that go with living independently?

Now when I got married, "Three's Company" was probably debuting, and platonic apartment sharing with the opposite sex probably was considered scandalous.

But at this point, it has been taking place long enough that most people see it for what it is--an economic arrangement that also provides some companionship and moral support for young people going out on their own for the first time...

My sons went from coed dorms (they didn't have them when I was in college, either) to coed houseshares. In the coed dorms, the girls were on a different floor, but there was plenty of room to room visiting (one of my sons had a roommate--not by choice--who would bring girls in for the horizontal tango when he thought my son was asleep.) In the coed houseshares, people had their own rooms, and, frequently, their own boy or girlfriends. They each had a refrigerator shelf. They did their own laundry.

Enough said.

 

[Miss Shelby]

Enough said.

Yes, you've said MORE than enough.

 

[Benedicta00]

Fantine, i disagree we have many teen marriages (that fail) today becuase of "today's culture."

I'm not saying everything about life back in the day was good but we have lost our sense of scandal and sin and that has proven to be detriment.

We (our culture) are decaying. The fact that two guys and one teen girl can cohabitate even if it is only as friends and roommates, tells us that.

Back in the day it would not have even been considered and woman were treated respectfully more then what they are now and they had more respect for themselves.

 

[Benedicta00]

I don't know of any people who would respect her less for sharing a house (not a room) with people of the opposite sex. Perhaps you're the only one?

My only concern would be whether these guys have alot of friends or not. I remember when my friends first started getting houses in their late teens and early 20s that if they were unmarried, the houses became party central 24/7, and everyone who's ever passed the homeowner on the street suddenly feels a sense of entitlement to hang out at his house whenever he pleases. Nice for the guests, not so nice for the people who have to get up for work in the morning.

Good for you for wanting to get out of your parent's house next year. 20 is too old to be freeloading, and if you're going to be paying rent you might as well pay it for a place you actually want to live in. If you do this, make sure you don't sign any sort of lease, you want to be able to move out on a whim if you so choose. Also make sure that the homeowner is not counting on your money to help him make his mortgage payment.

Tell me, Mike and let's be honest, if this were your 19 year old child, would you think it is what is best?

Understand, I'm not saying this is sinful, I'm saying it is not the best situation this girl can put herself in for a number of reasons.

It is not what would be optimally best for her, if this was your daughter, would do you not agree?

 

[Benedicta00]

Maybe you should seek the opinion of a priest or spiritual advisor?

that is really where she needs to go, and to her parents.

 

[Fantine]

Would you let your child move into a coed dormitory in college? (Even Catholic colleges have coed dorms, segregated by floor.)

Or would you choose the "same sex arrangement," perhaps a frat house?

Would living in a frat house be "purer" than the coed dorm? (It depends on the frat, I suppose.)

From my experience as a parent, I would say that the young men and women I met in houseshares had tons of respect for one another as people. When one of my sons was a college senior, one of his housemates was hit by a truck driving down to get her final grades. He and one of his other housemates kept vigil in the hospital with her, while she lay in a coma, until her parents arrived twenty-four hours later, with the doctors coming out giving them progress reports ("we're not sure yet whether she will live or die....")

Thankfully, she made a full recovery.

What I see among those who disapprove of this arrangement is a feeling that, even among friends, the sexual element is always there....

It wasn't true. They almost always had romantic partners who lived elsewhere....

BTW, one of my sons took a job in Asia where housing was provided--and when he arrived, he shared a 4BR apartment with two men and one woman. The woman was in her 40's--no problem there, obviously.

 

[MikeK]

Tell me, Mike and let's be honest, if this were your 19 year old child, would you think it is what is best?

If my 19 year old daughter were planning on moving out next year, I think I'd trust her judgement. She has a whole year to think it over, she'd be 20 years old. I would keep my nose out of it. I'd probably let her know of my concerns, but that's it.

We (our culture) are decaying. The fact that two guys and one teen girl can cohabitate even if it is only as friends and roommates, tells us that.

I think the fact that society can now accept that men and women can and frequently do share houses without any hint of scandal is a good thing. We don't jump to conclusions like people might have 50 years ago.

When my wife and I started dating, she was living with a coworker. He was like 45, and nothing was going on between them. Houses are cheaper when there's two people paying the bills. They worked opposite 12 hour shifts and only saw eachother on weekends. It was a great setup and she's never mentioned regretting it in the least.

 

[Airicon]

You'll probably be ok. MikeK's party comments are something to keep in mind though. Living in a place that's party central is no fun at all, even if you have your own room. I'd make sure that your good friends with these guys too, as living with people and being friends with people are two different things. Also, since there is 1 girl and 2 guys, make sure your always in a good state of mind so nothing you don't want to happen happens

 

[Miss Shelby]

that is really where she needs to go, and to her parents

well, I sure wouldn't take the advice of a bunch of fart knockers on the web over a priest or my parents. Unless I knew my priest would advise me against it, and I was just seeking affirmation. Looks as though she's made up her mind though. Probably best to let the whole thing go.

 

[Benedicta00]

Would you let your child move into a coed dormitory in college? (Even Catholic colleges have coed dorms, segregated by floor.)

Or would you choose the "same sex arrangement," perhaps a frat house?

Would living in a frat house be "purer" than the coed dorm? (It depends on the frat, I suppose.)

From my experience as a parent, I would say that the young men and women I met in houseshares had tons of respect for one another as people. When one of my sons was a college senior, one of his housemates was hit by a truck driving down to get her final grades. He and one of his other housemates kept vigil in the hospital with her, while she lay in a coma, until her parents arrived twenty-four hours later, with the doctors coming out giving them progress reports ("we're not sure yet whether she will live or die....")

Thankfully, she made a full recovery.

What I see among those who disapprove of this arrangement is a feeling that, even among friends, the sexual element is always there....

It wasn't true. They almost always had romantic partners who lived elsewhere....

BTW, one of my sons took a job in Asia where housing was provided--and when he arrived, he shared a 4BR apartment with two men and one woman. The woman was in her 40's--no problem there, obviously.

No, I wouldn't advise any of it and I would let my feelings be known. But if the kid is 19, they will have to make their own mistakes and learn from them I guess the way we all have.

 

[Benedicta00]

If my 19 year old daughter were planning on moving out next year, I think I'd trust her judgement.

This isn't a trust issue. You know what the situation is, two guys and one young girl. The only judgement you need to trust is your own, what does YOUR judgement say about this arrangement was my question?

That it is not what is optimally BEST for this girl and I think inside you deep down you know that-- you all know that.

Don't we want what is BEST for our kids? Why should we want them to settle for what is convenient and not what is absolute BEST?

She has a whole year to think it over, she'd be 20 years old. I would keep my nose out of it. I'd probably let her know of my concerns, but that's it.

Do you have a daughter? I think it would concern you more than you thought it would when that time came.

I think the fact that society can now accept that men and women can and frequently do share houses without any hint of scandal is a good thing. We don't jump to conclusions like people might have 50 years ago.

uh huh, and the way young collage women are treated and viewed by young collage men these days really proves that too.

When my wife and I started dating, she was living with a coworker. He was like 45, and nothing was going on between them. Houses are cheaper when there's two people paying the bills. They worked opposite 12 hour shifts and only saw eachother on weekends. It was a great setup and she's never mentioned regretting it in the least.

but ask if she would want her daughter to be in that situation at 19. and just becuase it worked out for her does not mean it would work for everyone.
and 45?? how old was she? There is no way a 19 year old girl should in any way at all live with a 45 year old man under any condition unless it's her dad.

 

[Benedicta00]

well, I sure wouldn't take the advice of a bunch of fart knockers on the web over a priest or my parents. Unless I knew my priest would advise me against it, and I was just seeking affirmation. Looks as though she's made up her mind though. Probably best to let the whole thing go.

yep...

 

[MikeK]

Do you have a daughter? I think it would concern you more than you thought it would when that time came.

Yes I do. And doubtful.

and 45?? how old was she? There is no way a 19 year old girl should in any way at all live with a 45 year old man under any condition unless it's her dad.

She was in her early 20s - just out of collage so 21 or 22 I'd guess. Like I said, she has no regrets about it - it was such a good arrangement for her that I doubt she would discourage our daughter from doing the same.

 

[Fantine]

I didn't know what a fart knocker was, so I looked it up:

1. fart+knocker



A simple derogatory term used to make fun of someone.
It's use does not specify what the person has done, simply that you are letting them know your are making fun of them
Origin is from the cartoon series " Beavis and Butthead"
Beavis, you're such a fart+knocker.

Maybe a house sharing arrangement might be better than living in a home where people watch "Beavis and Butthead...."

Just a thought.

 

[Airicon]

lol

 

[Miss Shelby]

Beavis and Butt head rule. :rule:

 

[Cecilia]

Benedicta...you sound like the father I wish I had. Maybe I didn't make my situation clear in my first post...

I will no longer have a place to stay next summer. Even if I get two jobs, I will not be able to afford my own apartment. Unless I find two strangers who I think I can trust to live with, this may be my only option.

Now I know I deserve no respect in your eyes, and well, maybe I didn't in the first place. But I'm trying to avoid the streets or something equally worse (like an apartment in a bad section of the city with strangers).

And, I know this sounds crazy, but this forum has had a big hand in my faith because of some of the amazing posts. I just wanted to know the general opinion. And see if I did have any other options...

 

[Miss Shelby]

Cecilia, forgive my presumption. It seems to me though that your mind was made up about this before you even started the thread. You have almost an entire year before you need housing, yet you've already resigned yourself that this is the only option. I can appreciate that it's a difficult situation but I think you already know what you're going to do, so I wish you the best.

 

[Benedicta00]

Benedicta...you sound like the father I wish I had. Maybe I didn't make my situation clear in my first post...

I will no longer have a place to stay next summer. Even if I get two jobs, I will not be able to afford my own apartment. Unless I find two strangers who I think I can trust to live with, this may be my only option.

Now I know I deserve no respect in your eyes, and well, maybe I didn't in the first place. But I'm trying to avoid the streets or something equally worse (like an apartment in a bad section of the city with strangers).

And, I know this sounds crazy, but this forum has had a big hand in my faith because of some of the amazing posts. I just wanted to know the general opinion. And see if I did have any other options...

First off I am a female not a male and you are over reacting to me not having any respect for you and thirdly, ask a priest and your folks, okay? Sometimes in life the right thing to do is not always the easiest or most convenient.