Cohabitation because of trauma

[Joyfuliness]

Last year I saw the bigger picture of my whole life because I finally moved out of my parents house, I got a better understanding of myself and I am thankful and terrified about it. I am glad that God open these doors at the right time it, I feel ready to face my struggles and grow stronger as a woman but at the same time I do feel helpless and feel very alone and I feel like I wasted time, like I wish I knew about this sooner.. (I am 30 years old)


I have CPSTD and PSTD, CPSTD from living with my narcissistic father for about 29 years and PSTD from being sexually molested twice from a male babysitter when I was about 7 years old. Through out my life I did lived around boys, I have two older brothers but ever since i was sexually molested I stopped interacting with boys/men, I became very awkward about men and my brothers do not interacting as much to this day(it might be because how my dad treated them). Then in my teens the true love waits movement/ purity movement came along, i think I took that and used it as crutch if that makes sense. And top of that I dealt with dissociation all my life. I just feel like I never really lived/owned my life. I feel like I am in a dream. Because of these situations I have never had a relationship. I guess I now I consider myself asexual because of what happen? but I still desire a relationship with a man but because of my past i feel like its impossible to have a relationship.

I feel like as I grew up, its been an oxymoron life. Like as I was dealing with life at home and what caused my CPSTD/PSTD, and also was "brainwashed" about men in today's society like how men are in movies/tv. I feel like my ideas of what a real relationship is, has became distorted. I dont know what a healthy relationship is like. I feel like the true love waits movement and what society taught me how men are....caused me idolized men in a way too? like you have to wait for the one and only to fulfill your life. God is the One, Not a man. There is no man out there that will fullfill my desires and no man is perfect...

Because of my past trauma and struggles of dissociation, I am not sure if I can get married to a man that I only know from the outside when I dont know how they live in the inside. I hope this makes sense. I have witness an unhealthy relationship between my father and mother(co dependent). I felt like that affected me too. And knowing that no man or woman is perfect, anything can happen, no cohabitation or cohabitation .... it would not make a difference about having a healthy relationship or not a healthy relationships during marriage... all it matters is the couple and how they proceed their own boundaries because every relationship is different. Both of my brothers lived with their girlfriends, they been in a cohabitation relationship for 7 years (one brother got married last year). I know a coworker who has an amazing relationship with her husband, she lived with him before marriage, she told me it was a lot work but now they are in great terms, I think they been together for 10 years.

It really frustrates me where I am because I do want a relationship... but I dont trust men(or woman) and I dont want to idolize either. My conflicting thoughts are.. I feel like I should live with a man before marriage.. because of what I went through and struggle with, I dont think I would be comfortable with a man that I never lived with before because of my trauma, I dont want put myself in that position.... I hope this makes sense...


What do you think, what are your thoughts about my situation? do you relate?

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

Last year I saw the bigger picture of my whole life because I finally moved out of my parents house, I got a better understanding of myself and I am thankful and terrified about it. I am glad that God open these doors at the right time it, I feel ready to face my struggles and grow stronger as a woman but at the same time I do feel helpless and feel very alone and I feel like I wasted time, like I wish I knew about this sooner.. (I am 30 years old)


I have CPSTD and PSTD, CPSTD from living with my narcissistic father for about 29 years and PSTD from being sexually molested twice from a male babysitter when I was about 7 years old. Through out my life I did lived around boys, I have two older brothers but ever since i was sexually molested I stopped interacting with boys/men, I became very awkward about men and my brothers do not interacting as much to this day(it might be because how my dad treated them). Then in my teens the true love waits movement/ purity movement came along, i think I took that and used it as crutch if that makes sense. And top of that I dealt with dissociation all my life. I just feel like I never really lived/owned my life. I feel like I am in a dream. Because of these situations I have never had a relationship. I guess I now I consider myself asexual because of what happen? but I still desire a relationship with a man but because of my past i feel like its impossible to have a relationship.

I feel like as I grew up, its been an oxymoron life. Like as I was dealing with life at home and what caused my CPSTD/PSTD, and also was "brainwashed" about men in today's society like how men are in movies/tv. I feel like my ideas of what a real relationship is, has became distorted. I dont know what a healthy relationship is like. I feel like the true love waits movement and what society taught me how men are....caused me idolized men in a way too? like you have to wait for the one and only to fulfill your life. God is the One, Not a man. There is no man out there that will fullfill my desires and no man is perfect...

Because of my past trauma and struggles of dissociation, I am not sure if I can get married to a man that I only know from the outside when I dont know how they live in the inside. I hope this makes sense. I have witness an unhealthy relationship between my father and mother(co dependent). I felt like that affected me too. And knowing that no man or woman is perfect, anything can happen, no cohabitation or cohabitation .... it would not make a difference about having a healthy relationship or not a healthy relationships during marriage... all it matters is the couple and how they proceed their own boundaries because every relationship is different. Both of my brothers lived with their girlfriends, they been in a cohabitation relationship for 7 years (one brother got married last year). I know a coworker who has an amazing relationship with her husband, she lived with him before marriage, she told me it was a lot work but now they are in great terms, I think they been together for 10 years.

It really frustrates me where I am because I do want a relationship... but I dont trust men(or woman) and I dont want to idolize either. My conflicting thoughts are.. I feel like I should live with a man before marriage.. because of what I went through and struggle with, I dont think I would be comfortable with a man that I never lived with before because of my trauma, I dont want put myself in that position.... I hope this makes sense...


What do you think, what are your thoughts about my situation? do you relate?

The first thing to consider is that Jesus is a complete Saviour. He doesn't only heal physical bodies, but He heals the emotional and mental results of trauma.

Jesus did not come to save those who think they have got it all together. He came to save and heal those whose lives are in a total mess. If we adapt the Scripture, "Where sin does abound, grace does much more abound", we can say where the effects of trauma and abuse abound, grace does much more abound. It is true that God told Paul, "My grace is sufficient for you" in response to his struggle with his thorn in the flesh. What if what you are going through is your "thorn in the flesh?" Then the grace of God is sufficient for you.

Your description of your mental and emotional state makes you a prime candidate for a full dose of God's grace and mercy, and it gives you a total free pass to God's throne of grace where you can boldly go and find mercy, and grace to help in your time of need. And this is your time of need!!

When you throw yourself upon Christ as your only hope for salvation, meaning, and happiness, then the way is open for Him to create a whole new future for you. If you are having difficulties relating to men, then there is a Man whom you can fully relate to you, and He will always be loving, gentle, kind, faithful, patient and good to you. Once you are assured of that, and it may take time through prayer, fellowship with Him, and reading of His Word, then you will have the discernment to recognise or not recognise Christ in any man who comes across your path.

This is because as you seek the Lord, He will make Himself real to you, and you will recognise Him as he reveals His nature and character to you. Then as you recognise that same nature and character in others whom you meet, you will know that you can have confidence in their presence as you have developed confidence in His presence.

You don't have to be in a hurry to find a life partner. Make Jesus your partner for now, and as you consolidate your fellowship and relationship with Him, He will create your future with you, and will open doors that you have no knowledge of now.

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart" (Psalm 37:4).

 

[nonaeroterraqueous]

Your chances of having a failed relationship will go way up if you live together, first. That's just a statistical observation. There's nothing terribly therapeutic about investing a lot of emotion, and even finances, into someone without the comfort of commitment. Committed people marry.

Honestly, I've been following your posts for a while, and I really don't think you're in a good position to get involved in a serious relationship right now. Your emotional state is terribly unstable, and that's not a recipe for a healthy relationship, no matter how you approach it.

 

[timewerx]

Sorry for your problems.

Gold nugget advice for parents: never get a guy to babysit a girl. Never, nu uh... No matter how much you trust a person even if the girls like the guy a lot. If it's a guy, DON'T!

I have babysitted girls before. Still do if the parent is desperate. Despite the fact, I have never wronged a woman (aside from naughty pranks when I was little), and I have below average testosterone levels. I did experience temptation. It's a task I've been trying to avoid.

 

[timewerx]

and also was "brainwashed" about men in today's society like how men are in movies/tv. I feel like my ideas of what a real relationship is, has became distorted. I dont know what a healthy relationship is like. I feel like the true love waits movement and what society taught me how men are....caused me idolized men in a way too?

You didn't have a good biological father. So you have no idea what good man is.

They do exist. And it's great to have one (in the context of having a good biological father). So sorry your fate wasn't so good.

 

[Joyfuliness]

The first thing to consider is that Jesus is a complete Saviour. He doesn't only heal physical bodies, but He heals the emotional and mental results of trauma.

Jesus did not come to save those who think they have got it all together. He came to save and heal those whose lives are in a total mess. If we adapt the Scripture, "Where sin does abound, grace does much more abound", we can say where the effects of trauma and abuse abound, grace does much more abound. It is true that God told Paul, "My grace is sufficient for you" in response to his struggle with his thorn in the flesh. What if what you are going through is your "thorn in the flesh?" Then the grace of God is sufficient for you.

Your description of your mental and emotional state makes you a prime candidate for a full dose of God's grace and mercy, and it gives you a total free pass to God's throne of grace where you can boldly go and find mercy, and grace to help in your time of need. And this is your time of need!!

When you throw yourself upon Christ as your only hope for salvation, meaning, and happiness, then the way is open for Him to create a whole new future for you. If you are having difficulties relating to men, then there is a Man whom you can fully relate to you, and He will always be loving, gentle, kind, faithful, patient and good to you. Once you are assured of that, and it may take time through prayer, fellowship with Him, and reading of His Word, then you will have the discernment to recognise or not recognise Christ in any man who comes across your path.

This is because as you seek the Lord, He will make Himself real to you, and you will recognise Him as he reveals His nature and character to you. Then as you recognise that same nature and character in others whom you meet, you will know that you can have confidence in their presence as you have developed confidence in His presence.

You don't have to be in a hurry to find a life partner. Make Jesus your partner for now, and as you consolidate your fellowship and relationship with Him, He will create your future with you, and will open doors that you have no knowledge of now.

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart" (Psalm 37:4).

Thank you so much for your input it means alot to me! I agree what you said. We all can't see the whole picture of our life, God knows all and everything about us, its best to put everything in his hands. I know that life might seem a mess, but I do know God is always there by our side.

 

[Joyfuliness]

Your chances of having a failed relationship will go way up if you live together, first. That's just a statistical observation. There's nothing terribly therapeutic about investing a lot of emotion, and even finances, into someone without the comfort of commitment. Committed people marry.

Honestly, I've been following your posts for a while, and I really don't think you're in a good position to get involved in a serious relationship right now. Your emotional state is terribly unstable, and that's not a recipe for a healthy relationship, no matter how you approach it.

I have heard of those statistics but I have witness various relationships in person that prove those statistics wrong which baffles me...

That is for God to judge

I dont know how you follow my posts when most of my posts are old I haven't posted in a long time.... .

 

[Joyfuliness]

Sorry for your problems.

Gold nugget advice for parents: never get a guy to babysit a girl. Never, nu uh... No matter how much you trust a person even if the girls like the guy a lot. If it's a guy, DON'T!

I have babysitted girls before. Still do if the parent is desperate. Despite the fact, I have never wronged a woman (aside from naughty pranks when I was little), and I have below average testosterone levels. I did experience temptation. It's a task I've been trying to avoid.

Thank you, I am glad you think so

 

[Joyfuliness]

You didn't have a good biological father. So you have no idea what good man is.

They do exist. And it's great to have one (in the context of having a good biological father). So sorry your fate wasn't so good.

Thank you for your input

 

[Petros2015]

What do you think, what are your thoughts about my situation? do you relate?

Possibly you might benefit from CODA, Co-Dependants Anonymous. They have a good program for healthy living and codependence has a wide range of behaviors and false assumptions behind it, some of which you may have encountered and others of which you may want to avoid. Keep idolization to Christ; that program encourages the independence you will want to have before choosing to engage in a healthy relationship and it will help to evaluate the relationships you are in as well as your own behaviors in them and expectations of them.

New to CoDA? - CoDA.org

 

[seekingmuch]

I feel like I should live with a man before marriage.. because of what I went through and struggle with, I dont think I would be comfortable with a man that I never lived with before because of my trauma, I dont want put myself in that position.... I hope this makes sense...


What do you think, what are your thoughts about my situation? do you relate?

The only problem with "living in sin" (cohabitation) is studies show those that do are 75% more likely to divorce. That's a sobering stat for Americans living together.

Why?

Cohabitation requires no actual commitment. Either are free to leave anytime it suits them. Also, women that cohabitate/sleep around due to the free love sixties and feminism's rise have been shown over the last 30 years to be markedly unhappier.

Before it was voted out due to new norms, cohabitation used to result in common law marriage after a year. But, after the sixties promoted free sex and living together, to the detriment of women along with feminism's rise saying women should do like men--sleep around, the laws were repealed.