Last year I saw the bigger picture of my whole life because I finally moved out of my parents house, I got a better understanding of myself and I am thankful and terrified about it. I am glad that God open these doors at the right time it, I feel ready to face my struggles and grow stronger as a woman but at the same time I do feel helpless and feel very alone and I feel like I wasted time, like I wish I knew about this sooner.. (I am 30 years old)
I have CPSTD and PSTD, CPSTD from living with my narcissistic father for about 29 years and PSTD from being sexually molested twice from a male babysitter when I was about 7 years old. Through out my life I did lived around boys, I have two older brothers but ever since i was sexually molested I stopped interacting with boys/men, I became very awkward about men and my brothers do not interacting as much to this day(it might be because how my dad treated them). Then in my teens the true love waits movement/ purity movement came along, i think I took that and used it as crutch if that makes sense. And top of that I dealt with dissociation all my life. I just feel like I never really lived/owned my life. I feel like I am in a dream. Because of these situations I have never had a relationship. I guess I now I consider myself asexual because of what happen? but I still desire a relationship with a man but because of my past i feel like its impossible to have a relationship.
I feel like as I grew up, its been an oxymoron life. Like as I was dealing with life at home and what caused my CPSTD/PSTD, and also was "brainwashed" about men in today's society like how men are in movies/tv. I feel like my ideas of what a real relationship is, has became distorted. I dont know what a healthy relationship is like. I feel like the true love waits movement and what society taught me how men are....caused me idolized men in a way too? like you have to wait for the one and only to fulfill your life. God is the One, Not a man. There is no man out there that will fullfill my desires and no man is perfect...
Because of my past trauma and struggles of dissociation, I am not sure if I can get married to a man that I only know from the outside when I dont know how they live in the inside. I hope this makes sense. I have witness an unhealthy relationship between my father and mother(co dependent). I felt like that affected me too. And knowing that no man or woman is perfect, anything can happen, no cohabitation or cohabitation .... it would not make a difference about having a healthy relationship or not a healthy relationships during marriage... all it matters is the couple and how they proceed their own boundaries because every relationship is different. Both of my brothers lived with their girlfriends, they been in a cohabitation relationship for 7 years (one brother got married last year). I know a coworker who has an amazing relationship with her husband, she lived with him before marriage, she told me it was a lot work but now they are in great terms, I think they been together for 10 years.
It really frustrates me where I am because I do want a relationship... but I dont trust men(or woman) and I dont want to idolize either. My conflicting thoughts are.. I feel like I should live with a man before marriage.. because of what I went through and struggle with, I dont think I would be comfortable with a man that I never lived with before because of my trauma, I dont want put myself in that position.... I hope this makes sense...
What do you think, what are your thoughts about my situation? do you relate?
I have CPSTD and PSTD, CPSTD from living with my narcissistic father for about 29 years and PSTD from being sexually molested twice from a male babysitter when I was about 7 years old. Through out my life I did lived around boys, I have two older brothers but ever since i was sexually molested I stopped interacting with boys/men, I became very awkward about men and my brothers do not interacting as much to this day(it might be because how my dad treated them). Then in my teens the true love waits movement/ purity movement came along, i think I took that and used it as crutch if that makes sense. And top of that I dealt with dissociation all my life. I just feel like I never really lived/owned my life. I feel like I am in a dream. Because of these situations I have never had a relationship. I guess I now I consider myself asexual because of what happen? but I still desire a relationship with a man but because of my past i feel like its impossible to have a relationship.
I feel like as I grew up, its been an oxymoron life. Like as I was dealing with life at home and what caused my CPSTD/PSTD, and also was "brainwashed" about men in today's society like how men are in movies/tv. I feel like my ideas of what a real relationship is, has became distorted. I dont know what a healthy relationship is like. I feel like the true love waits movement and what society taught me how men are....caused me idolized men in a way too? like you have to wait for the one and only to fulfill your life. God is the One, Not a man. There is no man out there that will fullfill my desires and no man is perfect...
Because of my past trauma and struggles of dissociation, I am not sure if I can get married to a man that I only know from the outside when I dont know how they live in the inside. I hope this makes sense. I have witness an unhealthy relationship between my father and mother(co dependent). I felt like that affected me too. And knowing that no man or woman is perfect, anything can happen, no cohabitation or cohabitation .... it would not make a difference about having a healthy relationship or not a healthy relationships during marriage... all it matters is the couple and how they proceed their own boundaries because every relationship is different. Both of my brothers lived with their girlfriends, they been in a cohabitation relationship for 7 years (one brother got married last year). I know a coworker who has an amazing relationship with her husband, she lived with him before marriage, she told me it was a lot work but now they are in great terms, I think they been together for 10 years.
It really frustrates me where I am because I do want a relationship... but I dont trust men(or woman) and I dont want to idolize either. My conflicting thoughts are.. I feel like I should live with a man before marriage.. because of what I went through and struggle with, I dont think I would be comfortable with a man that I never lived with before because of my trauma, I dont want put myself in that position.... I hope this makes sense...
What do you think, what are your thoughts about my situation? do you relate?