Choking the Word?

[aangel]

I've really been struggling with spending time in God's word. I'm not consistent and I procrastinate with everything even eating meals and going to sleep. I've been trying to keep it simple. I have this daily devotional book and it has weekly scriptures to mediate on but I'm even failing at that. This week I managed to keep it going for three days. With the bible I was trying to find a small portion to read daily but it seems the more I try to make it a daily habit the worse off I end up. For example I read a couple chapters of the bible everyday for a week then go a month without opening it after that. It's the same way with a lot of things like exercising, practicing piano, combing my hair, and even reading books for leisure (I haven't finished a book in months). I can't seem to commit to simple daily tasks. I was trying to listen to sermons I have a lot of them on my computer, mp3 player, and some cds but that was triggering anxiety and more obsessions.

Even with encouraging messages, I was worrying more than I was listening. I can't stop ruminating. It' s getting bad enough that I end up day dreaming about tv shows I watch just to get away from the intrusive thoughts. This also frustrates me because I'm trying to focus on God's word and my mind is so exhausted that it's looking for a break and tv is it. I hate the day dream it's such a waste time. I already waste enough time because I get stuck in obsessions. I don't have a lot of shows I watch. Majority of the time it's on cartoons for background noise. I like superhero shows and hallmark movies. It's not perfect but I try to stay in the PG 13 TV 14 realm of things. When my anxiety got really bad I ditched all of the horror stuff. When I'm watching tv sometimes that where I get most of my breaks (though I have been triggered by tv shows too random phrases caused anxiety). I'm feeling so stressed out. I have a really bad headache and my neck hurts. I don' t know how be productive I guess I'm a unfruitful christian. I know the cares of this world can choke the word out of your life so that's why I've been making a habit of bringing scriptures up several times during the day even repeating them under my breath. My go to verses are Psalm 34:4-5, 2 Timothy 1:7, and Psalm 23.

 

[Stillicidia]

Have faith in God that he would remove your anxiety. You don't need that anxiety.

Then, when you read, have a light heart, have fun with it. Reading the Bible while considering God in all your ways can cause him to direct your reading, and it can be very fun and surprising like that.

 

[dshort]

For the last 3 years I have struggled reading the Word, doubting its power. I would pray and tell God I didn't want to feel that way but I had no desire at all to read it.

Finally I can say something "clicked". I have found a true desire and hunger to get as much scripture as possible. I listen to the word for 8 hours straight at work and while I eat dinner (Months ago this was music at work and TV during dinner).

As with many things in my walk with Christ (overcoming sin, defeating depression, etc) it took time and something just clicked for me.

I continued to pray, being real with God, admitting I didn't want to read it but believed in its importance and wanted a true desire to read scripture, finally prayers were answered and it has all come together.

As you said, I used to force myself to mutter a few verses.. today, after patience and faith that He would give me the same hunger everyone talks about, I have it myself!

PS: Your anxieties sound rough, a year ago my anxiety was terrible; a door closing would sound like a gunshot in my ear. I got heavily involved in a worship and prayer service at my church where of which I was prayed over for it and today I'm anxiety and depression free; of course personal prayer and time were critical in overcoming as well. I hope and pray you're able to escape that bondage as well!

 

[Greg J.]

aangel, I have been going through something like this for a very long time. It took a long time for me to recognize that I need to just chill out. From what you describe, God is not expecting you to read your Bible right now. Forcing yourself to do things like can hinder your recovery.

I recommend you start fasting twice a week, if health permits. It honors God, brings his blessings, and doesn't require you to do something; it is something you don't do. Worship when you feel like worshiping. Pray when you feel like praying. Stop when you don't feel like it anymore. Remember God accepts you as you are and he is in charge of everything. The reason we try to follow the spiritual disciplines is because it benefits us. If it is also hurting you, then something that is not from God is involved.

Talk to your psychiatrist about your physical issues. Ask him about making it a part of your lifestyle to go to sleep whenever you are tired.

 

[Jeshu]

See forcing Scripture into you can have very bad results. Like causing us to feel guilty, ashamed, more sinful rather than less and even that we don't belong to God because we don't read Scripture enough.

It is about love? Honest loving God's Word. Like when I was stuck and condemned in my dungeon with the wicked torturing me with hopelessness, guilt, fear, shame, and such like misery on the bottom of my pit.

And then to hear The Living Word speak;

Isaiah 61:1-3
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor.

This is when The Word is at His best! Comforting my lowly and contrite heart and shielding me from my tormentors. Even slaughtering the wicked and setting me free to suffer depression without their misery pressing down upon me.

So when you are hurting really bad then open the Word and see what He says, regardless of how you are feeling but keep that in mind when you read what God's says;

Sometimes arresting the wicked doing the hurting, sometimes giving us hidden manna to eat, sometimes giving us focus and purpose to go on, sometimes to set us free from our oppressors in that part of our lives and bring us Joy and Victory.

Malachi 4:1-3
“Surely the day is coming; it will burn like a furnace. All the arrogant and every evildoer will be stubble, and the day that is coming will set them on fire,” says the Lord Almighty. “Not a root or a branch will be left to them. But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its rays. And you will go out and frolic like well-fed calves. Then you will trample on the wicked; they will be ashes under the soles of your feet on the day when I act,” says the Lord Almighty.

The best is to know Scripture so well that Jesus can speak to you through your love for God and neighbour, for then you know that what you hear is faithful and true. However don't do this out of demand, never true to be, but because you need the Word of God as much as you need food and water, as much as you need air. Honest it is amazing what The Living Word can do in our hearts when we love God and our neighbour, (as well as ourselves.)

When I started I had nothing but confusing information, religious and social education had made sure of that, and I was stuck with deepest depression, yet Jesus used faith in His loving truth to get me out of the grip of depression and let me suffer my downs in a positive way instead. I'm very happy about that.

I don't read the bible literally much, a few times a day at best, but I listen to the Word sung all day long, especially when I'm depressed. I've collected a few very good biblical singers and let them keep me grounded in His loving truth when times are hard. Works like a charm!!!

 

[aangel]

Thanks the replies guys. I'm trying to be patient with myself. I know meditating on scripture is better than nothing but I just feeling like I'm wasting my life. I know there's life in God's word and I want the life that the word gives but the fact I struggle with spending time in it is so disappointing to me. I'm either worried or depressed sometimes both at the same time. There's no room for anything else. When I try to set goals or make plans for myself it gets overwhelming. And I think to myself, 'God, I don't know what I'm doing. What am I supposed to do on a day to day basis?' Life is just passing me by and I'm sitting here doing nothing of any significance. I'm here but at the same time I'm not. I'm stuck living in my head.

 

[Jeshu]

Thanks the replies guys. I'm trying to be patient with myself. I know meditating on scripture is better than nothing but I just feeling like I'm wasting my life. I know there's life in God's word and I want the life that the word gives but the fact I struggle with spending time in it is so disappointing to me. I'm either worried or depressed sometimes both at the same time. There's no room for anything else. When I try to set goals or make plans for myself it gets overwhelming. And I think to myself, 'God, I don't know what I'm doing. What am I supposed to do on a day to day basis?' Life is just passing me by and I'm sitting here doing nothing of any significance. I'm here but at the same time I'm not. I'm stuck living in my head.

Yeah I said the same thing sister, horrible when life is like that isn't it? However this is what The Word answered me;

Galatians 6:7
Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.

This was a bit of a shock at first. For as I pondered on the words I saw myself heeding and believing hopelessness, despair, fearful thoughts, regrets, accusations, the mockers, and other loveless inner realities for years on end, and I had certainly harvested misery and wretchedness galore.

Hosea 10:12
Sow righteousness for yourselves, reap the fruit of unfailing love, and break up your unplowed ground; for it is time to seek the Lord, until he comes and showers his righteousness on you.

This is why The Word is so good! The Word tells us which way to go. I've got a depressive illness, depression is always going to be a part of my life, however I didn't have to sow its misery but rather sow His good life in my times of depression and let it overcome my bad life.

So seeking The Lord became seeking and sowing good life in my heart and life. Sowing loving times, creative times, supportive times, hopeful times, cultivating kind, loving and caring abilities praying for other people who are hurting bad life. Genuinely learning to care about your own welfare, nurturing and caring for ourselves when unwell, for example, as well as loving God and neighbour.

Another realization that really helped this sowing good life along, was that the lies I believed about God killed Our Loving Heavenly Father and turned Him into a horrible fire spitting dragon instead. Only faith in Jesus Christ - God's eternal statement of love for us lost sinful people - brings us true and lasting hope. And hope in God will not disappoint us but rebuild what has long been desolate and in ruins.

So looking at myself and how useless and pathetic I was in my pit was no longer allowed. Instead the wicked bringing such bad life into me were exposed by The Word and I learned to fight such thoughts and feelings instead of heed them or worse agree with them.

All the lies hurting me I let the word expose inside of my heart and cut of communion with those 'forces' bringing bad life into my life. Instead I meditated on loving rightly and praying for such gifts of eternal life back in my heart to be. And so all the good things I lost I let Jesus build back into my life. Second by second, minute by minute, hour after hour, day after day, week after week, month after month, and year after year.

It took more than 3 years before I finally knew I had climbed out of my pit and was able to produce good life even as bad life was oppressing me.

Now it has been near 10 years that I have been building good life in my heart and I love the living word to help and guide me in my daily struggle with mental illness. No one has helped me more than The Word of God living in my heart, honestly true!

Be of very good courage.



Forsaking The Pit.
As I climb over the rim, I clearly see,
Involuntary I shudder the sight in me,
Down without a bottom the pit below,
Yes this fiery hole within me on show!

Hear voices of darkness pressing hard on must.
Those 'speaking guilt, shame, unbelief, and distrust,
All together pushing, yes, pressing me deep,
Resisting my climb to the top so steep.

See those guilty feelings still tug my feet,
I can feel flames searing, my toes they meet!
Electrifying my soul, no mercy on show.
Why ever did I take this hell-hole in tow?

Above me the Light, Jesus, the Truth so high!
How long before I will meet up with Him in the sky?
He knows I will come after Him without a doubt,
As true nourishing goodness He is all about.

My bloodied fingers scraped by rock,
For how many years did they mock?
Those hard places within my very being,
Those fiery stones of my own seeing!

I climbed after the Light right above me,
The only truth that truly leaves me be,
Never will I stop seeking after The Light.
As Jesus Christ is my very soul's delight!

Soon the 'resting place' of my enemy,
Bottomless pit shall forever be!
For the ones without Love or Grace.
Those who with their lies made this place.

 

[miss-a]

Yes, so like Jeshu said, it's not a rigid thing, reading the Bible. It's meant to be comforting. I went through a period of years doing indepth study. That was right for that season. Now I read a few verses a day and meditate on those throughout the day, talking to the Lord about them, asking Him their meaning, and so forth. And sometimes that process leads my thoughts and our conversation to things that are not relative to those verses at all. But that's okay, because it's all about seeking Him.

God is blessed that you want to read His Word. And He is saddened that you are distressed by standards that He's never put on you about Bible reading. He loves you. Ask Him to guide you to what His heart would have you do in terms of your relationship with Him and His Word, and then trust that in time you will get clear about that. And while you're waiting to be clear on it, know you can trust that He is blessed by you and your intent, happy you want to know Him more, and that He never intended anything about His relationship to cause you to condemn yourself. He does not condemn you for it.

Blessings and prayers,
a

 

[Far Side Of the Moon]

For the last 3 years I have struggled reading the Word, doubting its power. I would pray and tell God I didn't want to feel that way but I had no desire at all to read it.

Finally I can say something "clicked". I have found a true desire and hunger to get as much scripture as possible. I listen to the word for 8 hours straight at work and while I eat dinner (Months ago this was music at work and TV during dinner).

As with many things in my walk with Christ (overcoming sin, defeating depression, etc) it took time and something just clicked for me.

I continued to pray, being real with God, admitting I didn't want to read it but believed in its importance and wanted a true desire to read scripture, finally prayers were answered and it has all come together.

As you said, I used to force myself to mutter a few verses.. today, after patience and faith that He would give me the same hunger everyone talks about, I have it myself!

PS: Your anxieties sound rough, a year ago my anxiety was terrible; a door closing would sound like a gunshot in my ear. I got heavily involved in a worship and prayer service at my church where of which I was prayed over for it and today I'm anxiety and depression free; of course personal prayer and time were critical in overcoming as well. I hope and pray you're able to escape that bondage as well!

I think the major key was being involved in a worship and prayer service..a lot of people don't realize but a lot of protection from spiritual attacks comes from worship. To the OP I kinda struggle in the way that you do, I hope you can over come it, pray always tell God how you feel, that it sucks, you have doubts and you need help. He is here for all of it... And hopefully like th person I quoted , everything will click and you will be healed.